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Wednesday 25 May 2011

Another person needs your urgent advice

I am in a very terrible situation at the moment and I need advice cos I am going crazy. Could you please post my situation on your blog as I feel suicidal right now!

I met my fiance in 2009  through a mutual friend. We have had the best relationship in the world . We got on really well from the scratch and had absolutely no issues. My family loves him to bits and i get on with his family too.  In January 2011, he proposed to me and i accepted. We set a date for October 2011 and moved in together. Both of us together with our families have been planning our wedding. I have bought my dress, bridesmaids dresses, we have gotten the rings, venue has been booked, basically all has been set for October. I got the shock of my life when he told me last week that he had a confession to make! He told me his ex girlfriend just had a baby girl for him 2 weeks ago.

He apologized and said it was a mistake. he begged me to keep it a secret so as not to affect plans for october .My fiance and i were so close, he was my best friend.. the thought of him cheating on me has left me broken since he told me.. how , why , what, when ? the only time we were not together was when we were at work.we were that close!  My heart skipped when he told me.. i have since moved into my girlfriend's flat as i cannot even stand to look him in the face.... i trusted him so much , he was the first guy i ever slept with.. and this is what i get? I dont know how to tell my parents as this will break their hearts!
My question is, do i go on with the wedding, or call it off?
Please help.. I AM GOING NUTS!


Doyin said...

For now, i advise you call off the wedding. No amount is too much to throw away for peace of mind.

You really need sometime to think and iron out issues.

Anonymous said...

my dear, call it off until you're sure you want to go ahead with it.... No need to go into a lifetime commitment angry and untrusting... God be with you. I feel so sorry about your situation =(

innocent said...

What I will advice is that you take caution so as not to regret in the future.It is not as if he told you so to call off the wedding.You have to get the facts straight,how did it happened?was he in the knowing before the birth?Why did he keep it from you?He is your friend and friends can fuck up anytime but not the reason to throw them away.To err is human but to forgive is divine.May be you calling it off is to the other lady's advantage which is how I see it.She knowing that you two are together and still took in for him.

Di's District said...

oh my ! This is deep. Put yourself together,time & prayer will yield you the answer you are seeking before October. Personally, if the trust issue cannot be resolved before October, then consider opting out.

Also if you don't mind the child being part of your family for the rest of your married lives then go ahead.

Anonymous said...

I think you should put a hold on wedding plans for now.Tell your family about it coz they will help you get through this trying period.Don't worry about what other people will think/"money lost".This may be God's way of exposing the kind of guy he is before you marry.
You are lucky you found out before the wedding.Some guys would have kept silent about it until after the wedding.

Anonymous said...

broken relationship is better dan broken marriage,pls cancel d marriage cos its obvious he was still datin and havin sex with his supposed ex,if u decide to go on with d marriage,b sure 2 expect more kids 4m her,my aunt made d same mistake,her husband had 3 more kids 4m d supposed ex in deir 5yrs of marriage

Her Lioness said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

linda, on a serious note....

you should consider having a brand extention i.e to ttake on relationship, marriage, divorce and men bashing issues.

its a hot topic,and its timeless. you can seriously increase/diversify your income/revenue base.

dont' av to post this. l consider it a personal advise. but u can if you so wish. take care

Anonymous said...

Linda ur blog don turn to serious Love & Advise blog oh! Nne abeg carry ur two shoes they RUN/SARE/OSOR..anyhow that word fit come ur brain RUNNNNNN....Once a cheater cheats he will cheat forever oh! And d trust no dey dere! Ex: Arnold Schwaokpor(cant spell his full name abeg) dat one still dey vex me but u have nothing to loose my RUNNNNNNN if he like make him buy u everything u want and talk he go change na u go suffer at the end!

yehni djidji said...

Neither your parents, nor anybody, worth you living in regret, pain and in an unhappy marriage for the rest of your life.
Do call off the wedding for the moment and think.
You have to do a lot of thinking indeed:
-He could have wait after the wedding to tell you the truth. It would have been to late then.
-Maybe he told you just because he thought that you could not call off the ceremony at this point.
-Are your feelings for him strong enough to go beyond this situation?
Don't rush into anything. Money is nothing compared to your happiness. No matter what you will decide think about you and you alone.
May God assist you in your choice.

Anonymous said...

plz call off d wedding cos he cheated on u while you guys were courting and it even took him 9 freaking months to confess til after she put to bed,once a cheat foreva a cheat so fr ur own sake plz av a retink and dont marry someone u cnt trust anymore,simply tell him to go meet his ex since he went bck to her so ders sumtn abt her and he wld alwys go bck to her,dont wory dear u wld find a beta MAN,plus i would advice u tell ur folks now before its too late,neva help a guy kip a secret cos he wont do same fr ya...some guys r just ANIMALS period!!!!!!!!men cnt u jst kip ur dicks in ur trousers

Anonymous said...

Sad to hear your story. A similar thing happened to an aunt of mine, they were in there 20's when they married, they are still together after 30 years of marriage, but the marriage endured all sorts of confusion and commotion. At one point they never spoke for about 5 years, while he had numerous girlfriends, my aunt more than likely had her affairs too, it took the death of a son to bring them back together. This is unfortunately a decision you only can make, marrying this guy is a risk, also the issue of his 'first born child' will always torment you and will remain even after his death. What is important here is that you take time out, inform your family, they will be there for you no matter what. The risk is yours to take.

Anonymous said...

Please please put this thing on hold. Both of your parents,there is one that will hear u out, the fact that he kept it from u makes him a very wicked and selfish man. You know ur parents, i would say approach your father first, as mothers tend to be emotional. You have to open up so someone can help u. No one i repeat no one is going into this marriage with you.
I speak from a corner of experience, i broke off an engagement 4 weeks to the date of the traditional wedding. My father gave me a nugget of advice - no one will be in ur marriage with u, if the person isnt someone u can even trust at the slimest, then dont punish urself.
U wont be the first, and u wont be the last.
Trust me on one this though- whatever God says is for u is for u. Prayer is essential during ur time of seperation.
A pastor told me my miracle would come, and when i say i started dating my current bf 4 months after, and i cant be happier.
Please dont torture urself further.
Stay blessed.

muero_ebony said...

i really feel sorry about ur situation too.
lets be truthful to ourselves there is no "innocent" man out there and God forbid the next man might just be the same if not worse.I'd say you postpone the wedding,give yourself some time to heal its difficult but trust me with prayer you will get through this,search your heart if you really truly love him,
I will put you in my prayers it is well with you.

Her Lioness said...





Anonymous said...

I think you should tell your parents, keeping it a secret will not help because even if you decide to marry him, the issue of the child will surely come up.

Call off the wedding, give it a serious thought. Just know that if you marry him later, there is no way he will stop seeing his ex afterall he will surely go to visit his child.

Anonymous said...

For me, leopards dont change their colours. If he can have unprotected sex with his ex while you were both courting, the chances are that he will do worst when you are married. If you cherish peace of mind and happiness, stay off but if you cherish misery, go ahead. Follow what your inner heart tells you.

Anonymous said...

I will like to ask you if what happened, your would be husband did it intentionally, or some ladies out there felt he can be hooked with having baby for him. By now you should know if considering the past, and your relationship with him, who he truly his (a deceiver or a true lover). Right now all you need to do is to call off the October wedding; then ask your self if you can still share your life with him, seeing the challenges ahead, but most importantly, pray to God to divinely direct you, so that in marriage you shall be in His Will and you will not marry another person husband, or because of challenges you are facing before your wedding day, you will not leave who God has destined for you. Sorry, I know it is painful, but in your pain allow God to direct you.

Anonymous said...

dont be too hasty in calling off the wedding. all the people telling you to call it off are not you, don't love him for you and ultimately are not God.
see, even if you will continue with this wedding, there are certain steps you must take.
first, thank God your wedding is in October. second, thank God u didn't find out after the wedding.
it is wrong of him to just be telling you at this time, after the woman has delivered. secondly, it is irresponsible of him to ask you to keep it secret.
i know that it sounds archaic - similar to what my grandma might say but the solution is not always to leave a man. we are different from each other and our courses are charted differently. this guy might be your God-given husband and he might not be. Some people would rather leave and marry another man who doesn't cheat but who doesn't love them either. Some would rather stay and I tell you, not all are unhappy with this arrangement bcos to them, love is what matters. YOU AND GOD ARE THE ONLY ONES THAT CAN MAKE YOUR DECISION FOR YOU. dont listen to all these 17yr old girls firing up and telling you to leave. thank God they didnt tell you to scratch his car in the process.
my sister was in a similar situation. now her husband will be the first person to tell you about his foolishness & his regret. staying with him might not have worked for another woman.
the only way you will know whether to leave or stay is by turning to God. he has all answers. perhaps he is trying to save you from misery. perhaps it is the devil (stone me). pray to God, let peace be in your heart with whatever decision u make.
whatever you decide on, let your man fight for you. let him use his own mouth to go tell your parents what he has done. after all he is marrying their daughter. reduce your access to him. move out of his house, but not necessarily call off the relationship. If u move out and another woman moves in, cry cry cry but also kneel down and thank God.
Let me not lie to you, you will need to pray a lot to God. Commit your life to him and I'm telling you, he will direct it and you won't make a mistake.

Anonymous said...

and i will add - postpone the wedding - indefinitely is what u tell people but dont call it off just yet.
he has a lot of growing up to do if he will be your husband.

SOLA said...

Babes, take a chill pill!
He's your friend and he goofed; what next?! Behead yourself cos you've got a headache?
I know I'm not in your shoes so don't know how much it hurts; yeah yeah... Sorry about that.
I honestly don't think it's enough to call off the wedding! Are you not happy he told you himself? #noexcusesforwhathe'sdone
What if you had found out on your own? Walahi, your ghost would be sending this note cos wa ti paara e mehn..
There's so much at stake now and you really need to think through this...
At least going by recent marriage tales, we see not all of them are 100% happily ever afters, yeah.
If the dude is sorry (I'm guessing he is); then ask for a formal meeting with the Ex & child and just come to terms with it. If you would accept the child to live with you or not is another thing; yeah, you are going on with the marriage babes ;)
Honestly, this incident might just be all the rocky situation to experience with your boo..
I'm speaking from experience.... So don't go thinking "she doesn't understand"

Cry! Vent! Baraje! But take charge of your relationship.... Pele gf... O ba ni ko ti baje

Btw, EXs sha! They have issues o walahi!

Anonymous said...



and hold your heart

Slim said...

My dear call the wedding off.
A few things u need to knw

1. If the ex didnt get pregnant, your so called fiance would have kept the whole ish from you and you wouldnt have knwn that he cheated on u with his ex

2. He claims it was a mistake, yet he's telling u 2 weeks b4 the baby arrives? why couldnt he have confessed when it happened, ie when he slept with her.

3. If he can do something like this now, then hes not to be trusted.

4. Broken relationship is better than broken marriage

5. Call it off and engage in serious prayer and fasting...

Anonymous said...

What has happened has happened and you cant change it. Exes have been known to do stuff like this just so they can damage your chances and get the guy finally. However i advice you call off your wedding for now, talk to both your and his parents (cos they will know eventually) and take time out to reassess your relationship. Forget about whether or not hes the first person you slept with as that is not relevant right now. The important thing is that you need time to heal and know whether or not you would be willing to marry him with a child. Thats all i can say. for now......the wedding can wait while you decide which way your relationship (or whatever is left of it) will go. Good luck and hope you pull through this one.

Anonymous said...

You got engaged in Jan 2011, the baby was born in May 2011 (5 months after the engagement), the baby was conceived in mid 2010, before you were engaged.

The only fact here is he was sleeping with both of you at the same time, when both of you were merely dating and not engaged.

If you are comfortable marrying a man who has the capacity to do that, go ahead. If you don't , then don't.

Also, consider being the step mother to your husband's child, if you're ok with that, go for it.

Anonymous said...

You are an African, he is an African. As long as you can be the senior wife, and she can be the junior wife, you should not worry yourself.

Just make sure that you book him for Saturday night, as that's the fun night. She can have him for Friday night when he'll be too tired having worked all day at the office and what not.

It is the tradition of our people...

abi's muse said...

To be honest, I think he's quite a sincere person. What if he never told you? Anyways, I think both parents should be aware, and then, cool down & evaluate things. Do u really luv him & does he you? It might be a mistake that should be forgiven & if he's truly sorry about it, why not? Don't be too hasty, take ur time to think it out.

PS: Why do people generalise & say all men cheat? U've not been married to all men I pressume?
Might sound too good to be true, but my hubby for one doesn't cheat.

Anonymous said...

Very Sticky situation. I have learnt from a very tumultuous (Partly my fault because i could not control my emotions) relationship not to go with my first reaction. First take a deep breath and take some time off. Also, inform your family so that you can get their perspective on this issue. It would be best to inform your father and mother, or an older aunt who you respect. Because this issue cannot be hidden forever. It needs to be worked out, and you need your parents to put down their foot with the guy, and set boundaries that will protect you and your child from the ex girl friend, her family and his family using the ex girlfriend situation against you (this happens a lot). Some families try to use bastards to upset and destroy your home. This situation will need the grace of God to protect your family. Because your stupid Fiance, has opened the doors for all mannner of evil and trouble to come into your home. Dont try to be the good step mother, you can never do enough to satisfy human beings. Also, be wise about opening up yourself and family to people from this. This is if you intend to go ahead with the marriage of course. If you think it is too much for you, please call off the wedding, you will be thankful later. Personally, i can never marry a man that has had a child before. My mother went through it unknowingly and she went through a lot of unnecessary bullshit that was barely worth it. The bastard children really know how to push their limit. They forget they are illegitimate most times and will try to cause so much trouble because they wish they had both parents like your children do. My father was a bad ass, but when he married my mother, he turned his life around like you wont believe. The best man i ever knew till today. So, this experience can change him, or can be a reflection off the future. Take your time, and think about it well. Set your own laws and boundaries. Do not take up the responsibility of raising another woman's child.

Anonymous said...

Pls if I may ask,Have u guys been aving a marriage counselling section going on,if yes.Pls speak to your counsellor,and am sure ur counsellor won't advice u to keep it a secret.pls dnt keep silence you need to speak to someone you can trust fast,u cant carry this burden alone,dont make a mistake u will forever regret.PLEASE ACT FAST.

chichi said...

i think you should pray about it, tell both parents and take a proper decison, dont be too hasty. it is well!

Anonymous said...

First of all my heart goes out to you, this is something that is beyond heartbreaking. I really pray that you can hold it together for yourself. Please be strong.
Now, you asked for our opinion and we will give it to you. Your man is something else. Yes, people goof and yes we should forgive but we should not be careless in the process. There is a lot to be said about this situation. It does not matter whether she (new baby mama) trapped him or not, the issue is he was sleeping with her (and Lord knows who else) while you were together. You are not married yet so count this as a warning sign from God. Marriages go through trials and tribulations but we are given the opportunity to avoid certain trials before they start.

In my humble opinion, this is one of those avoidable trials. The issue is not the child, the main issue is the fact that he was sleeping around on you. Do not buy that nonsense that all men cheat and do xyz, that is a gross generalization. What he did might be normal to some people, but it was not right. He disrespected the relationship you had with him and he was deceitful. The only reason you are hearing about this is because there is evidence that he was cheating (i.e. the baby). If that girl did not get pregnant, who is to say this man would have come clean?

So my thoughts are this, tell your parents...he is quite selfish (I am sorry to keep calling him out like this) to ask you to tell no one. He is trying to make himself look good. He deserves to be shamed a bit, where you there when he was sweating out her sheets? The only person that needs protecting is you. You go and tell your parents, ask for sometime and do some soul searching. Now this is what I would do if it were me...only you really know what you can handle. Forget about what people will say, how much has been spent and the glitz and glamor of being married. Strip all that away and think about your happiness.

Can you deal with what he has done?
This girl and her child will FOREVER be in your lives...are you ready to deal with this?

If you can...then proceed.
Please know that things that are ordained by God are not chaotic...they are just not. This situation here...chaos.

NaijaScorpio said...

Ex? She obviously is not an ex if she just had a baby for him. You guys are so close, yet he could keep such a secret from you. A broken relationship is better than a broken marriage. No be to marry be the thing and i do not believe that ALL men cheat. That is such a stupid generalization and i'm the most realistic person you would ever meet.

Tell your family!!!!! Don't keep such a secret from them. You should not go through this by yourself. Marriage is not the end all and be all. Look around you, a lot of people are in unhappy marriages because they went in with low expectations (thinking all men cheat) or they married the wrong person.

Dem no dey know person finish. Believe people when they show you who they are. Forget all those best friend stuff, this is ur future we are talking about. Don't jeopardize it for a wedding day. Trust me, your problems will not go away because you are married. If you had problems before the marriage they will be there after the marriage.

God is trying to save you. RUN!!!

Anonymous said...

This is deep and painful.Like most people have said keeping quiet is a ''no''''no'' because it is no longer a secret cmon the ex,himself and probably the ex family knows the father of the child so why should you be the one keeping the secret to yourself and not telling your family and his too.
Calling off the wedding is one of the numerous steps you should take as well as informing your family at the very least.

Then ask yourself can you deal with having other children in your home that are not yours? Your children will always be counted after this child as he/she is the first child to you proposed hubby?
Can you bear him having a relationship with this child and by extension the mother too.
If it were the reverse would he still go ahead to marry you and keep your secret.
God help and strengthen you in this difficult time.Amen

Anonymous said...

Linda is it you???

Noteasy said...

Anon 4:19, that is the advice you would give to your sister. You would ask someone to condone a man (that she is not even married to) and his deceitful ways, plus a baby and ex to booth. You would ask her to go back to him and sort things out...sort what out? O, you had a child while we were dating but as long as you promise not to fool around again, let's get married. What won't this man do when they are married?

How do you think this story would have ended if she brought a child home, a child from her ex or any man for that matter? There would be no October wedding.

African women, please free yourselves from this way of thinking. How will you put up with the infidelity and selfishness of a man that you are not married to (even your husband should not be spared but that one na different ball game). A boyfriend/fiance cheating on you is him showing you what lies in store for you. It is showing you his eyes are still all over the place.
What does he bring to the table that you can not find elsewhere? You cry that men cheat but it seems you give the liberty for anyone to do as he pleases. As a man, what lesson would I have learned when I can pledge love to one and frolic with others without any repercussions.

I agree with those that said she just got her warning sign. It is very possible that this man has shown signs of infidelity but love makes us gloss over things (I am just as guilty).

Sister, wise up. You will hurt for a bit but you will be better for it. This is not the man for you. The man for you would at the least mess up and come clean because he has genuinely hurt you and feels sorry. He would not come clean after finding out his accomplice is pregnant. Unless the accomplice is a nice one, she is going to be a thorn in your side. She has his 1st born child, what makes you think she wants to be just a babymama, she might want wifey rights too. It takes a principled man to properly handle his BM and his wife. It is very easy to continue sleeping with her as a means of pacifying her.

Count your blessings, pick your heart up, you will be just fine. Take that honeymoon and go and give yourself some R&R. This is not the man for you. Like Doyin said, your peace of mind is worth more than any wedding.
It is easy for us to say because we are not in the situation but this is a clear case of red flag, do not pass go!

Anonymous said...

Firstly I just want to say hang in there. The pain you must be goin through is indescribable.
It is now YOU time! Don't feel pressured into anything and most of all don't worry about him.
I found out my fiancée was still seeking his ex 2 months to the wedding and called it off after I confronted both of them. Not to punish them or myself. But to get my head right and focus on God.
I told my parents cause they will be the most honest and you are not married yet so they have every right to know. My father especially reminded me that everyone has skeletons in their closet/has a past. People make stupid mistakes. What you need to focus on is character? Who is he truly, what are his attributes, strengths and weakness. What are his morals? Can you live and tolerate them. See him for him and not the him you want him to be. You can't change anyone esp an adult.
Pray to God to show you the way to go and I mean this sincerely - he can promise u that he will change until he goes blue in the face but only God gaurantees and sees all. Is this the man for you? Does he want you to run or start on a clean slate?
Talk to ur man and listen to his reasons. No reason will be good enough but hear him out. In my case u also spoke to the lady involved. As hurtful as it was, I wanted every detailed. Yes she loved him, yes she wanted a future etc so you don't deceive yourself.
Postponing the wedding was difficult. The bookings, what do you tell people etc but it's funny how everything falls into place when u stand firm and do it. You need to build this marriage on a strong Christian foundation. This is the rest of your life. Yes no man or woman is perfect, but you don't want to subject yourself to a lifetime of pain.

5 months later I am still with my fiancée, we are working this out and are in a much better place. Stronger in a lot of ways. My parents have also forgiven and 1 thing I appreciated was that when it all happened he humbled himself and begged my family. He realised the gra?vity of his actions. God bless u. X

Anonymous said...

hmmn my advise would be for you to call of the wedding. For him to be sleeping with his EX and get her pregnant is insulting! it is not like you were not sex-ing him(dont get me wrong i am all for no sex before marriage but the excuse most guys give for cheating on their spouse is that she was not giving him sex). Erm who knows maybe he told you because he had an ulterior motive(maybe his ex was going to tell you anyways but he wanted to beat her to it and use it to his advantage). my dear i am not you oh and i donot pray to be in your shoes but i am just telling you what i would advise anyone in your situation to do. Afterall said and done its your decision that counts so i pray you make the right decision plus pray to God about it and dont forget to inform your parents and his dare he tell you not to tell anyone about it? such effontery smh! anyways take it easy my dear. No Guy is worth stressing yourself for. May God strengthen you through it all. Take care *huggies*

Anonymous said...

wot eva mistake u made by moving in wit him cant be undone now but plssssssssssss move out, keep the engaged status on a hold(dats if u wont eventually leave him) and seek God's advice on this.

Mama OreOluwa said...

Nutin to pray about, Just thin line here.

1. Your Boo will still continue with the EX- And they might have another baby, especially if the EX is above 30, she will be so desperate to have his man back.

2. Do you know about his Ex before now and how and where do you meet him?

3.Is beta to face the pain of broken relationship than facing the agony that lies ahead.

4.Talk to your family and pastor about it, U just need someone that can give you a shoulder, go on holiday and get good numbers of tyler perry film to avoid suicide.

5.Dont arrange meeting with the EX and baby cos it might lead to brawl and quarrel, she is aware of you and she knew that the guy will be walkin down the aisle soon, si just some kind of revelation here to know the man you will be hanging out with for the rest of ur life.

6.Be in good shape sis and quit the relationship, God always have a good stock for his children, dont be too desperate to have him finally. The Guy is not yours from the foundation of the Earth.

7.The final conclusion, Close your eyes and try to figure it out this way, that if you marry him and down the lane, there is no issue (Children)between you guys, dont you think, the family will call you sort of names, that thier son is capable of fathering a baby and he has a proven result to show forth.
Dont get me wrong, God will definitely give you your own baby, but mostly, it is always the other way round and is one of the issues of life.
Brace up baby! Keep your head straight and quit and call it off.
Is not your man and there is no way he will be your man.

Myne said...

I think there's enough time to talk it out before Oct. He has been honest enough to open up to you, sit down and talk with him too. It may not be the end of the world as you feel right now.
All the best.

Anonymous said...

2 children with him, he had 2 others with her. This is my story. I have called strange women, asking them their connection to someone I thought was mine. Have a standing HIV/STD test appointment because I stayed and thought I could endure. This is my life. I will not project on you because everyone's story is different but weigh the pluses and minuses. Love does not carry me through the endless fights with him and her. I pray against bitterness everyday but sometimes I feel I was warned from the beginning. My story is eerily similar to yours and as you have seen from the lady that called off her engagement...these things happen but you have a choice.

Only you can make the decision at this point. I suspect that you know exactly what you want to do, you are only holding on because the date has been set. If the date wasn't set, what would you have done? The date is not the marriage certificate or the exchange of wine. You are still free to make the best decision for you.

All the best!!

Anonymous said...

These kind of things get me scared..but not to worry all things work together for good for those who love God!!!!..You really have to seek God's face and just talk to him..he will give you the best advice on what to if you have to..God never wants to see you hurt he knows just what to do to make you please i begg you to really seek his face and he will never let you down..God has you on this!!!!

B said...

So my quick 2cents is that u should take some time out and ask God for directions while also asking urself why u accepted the proposal in the 1st place......

True love is able to withstand whatever is thrown at it....this is a complicated issue but I'll advise you do not tell ur parents yet as they r not the ones in the relationship, draw the guy closer and find out how it happened..... Not an excuse but from ur letter, u met less than 24 months ago.... Had he finished with the ex or were u aware they still had feelings? Was it a case of a quick switchover which was when he messed up but still proposed to u....I think he was prob scared to tell u of his mistake and maybe he was considering other options with the pregnancy when time lapsed!

I'm not trying to do ur detective analysis for u but get to the bottom of it all n find out how and when it happened! No one is perfect, we'll all face temptations and many of us will fall but thank God for his grace! If u do decide to forgive, give yourselves some time, start afresh and rebuild the trust and friendship u once had! Trust is really key because without this you have yourself an unhealthy relationship

May God direct u!

Unknown said...

my opinion is dat u call off the wedding first and take time to think.if dat guy met u a virgin, possibly that was the only reason why he proposed marriage coz i dont understand why he went back to a woman he consciously and purposely left for u.although i dont think ur guy is worth a second chance, that decision is left for u.if u decide u can live forever with the proof of his betrayal, then u can go ahead.if not, his ex can have his unfaithful ass back!

100% Naija said...

Two words my dear.........Just Bounce!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Omo, sometimes God dey show human being signs...blatant signs but we ma, we are too stubborn to see.

The guy was messing around(he was prob doing this before he started dating you) with this girl.

He come confess at the last minute because he know say the girl go come confront you.

The guy ma get mouth, tell you say make you no tell your people.

Signs o girl, signs full ground. Dem no dey tell blind man say rain dey fall. Sorry to be harsh. Let other honest men come on here and tell you the truth. This guy did not want to miss out on cuffing a good girl. He was and is not done messing around, no deceive yourself.

Oluwalonile said...

sorry if i sound vulgar, my advise is get the fuck out of that relationship......ebay your wedding gown, if you have money pay your bridesmaid for their gown....shikena, a close friend of mine was in similar situation 4years ago, I told her to cut it off....she is happily married to a great guy...If he was cheating while you are dating, what makes you think he will stop when he stop.

Not only that, if you marry him child support go commot from your pay and his....WTF, girl you better get out fast fast, I know it will hurt, but you will laugh at the end. God is good to you, that is why this thing happen before you say I do.

Let me tell you something about baby daddy, when he go and visit his baby....he will keep sleeping with his baby mama....I've seen it here in U.S, please cut the wedding off, let him go. Anyone who is telling you to stay do not love you.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous 5:28, if you marry that man I can tell you along the road your marriage will are digging a hole for yourself, you better wise up. A man that cheat on you, will continue to do it....

Anonymous said...

My sister, RUN!!!
He waited until she had given birth before confessing, until the wedding was so close. Perhaps he thinks you're not strong enough to call off the wedding.
Am I dreaming or did I actually read that he had the guts to tell you to keep it a secret? Bloody hell! Tell your family right now! They are not in love like you; so they can see things more clearly.
Let me break it down for you. He was banging his ex and will keep on banging her after you get married.
Forget about his family. I know how two faced men's families turn in situations like this. The other woman has had a child for him, his first child. That changes things. He will be by her side as she raises that baby. He will feed that baby, clothe that baby, and when he goes to visit that baby he will fuck his baby mama again. Can you live with that? You deserve so much better.
I hear those saying you should seek God's counsel. Nigerians amuse me. God himself has helped you by revealing this before you made the mistake of marrying this man and you're still seeking counsel? What kind of counsel exactly? The hand of God to help you take off that ring and fling it in his face?
Marriage is not the be all end all. A broken engagement is better than a broken marriage. You're probably worried about what people will say. Nobody will be in that marriage with you. Spare yourself the heartache and move on. There are good men out there. One love my sister.

Anonymous said...

Mama Oreoluwa, I agreed with you...I don't know the kind of people on this blog eh...why will some people advise her to stay?? SMH, that is why you see a lot of people in marriages today living like roomates. Abeg, nothing to think about here, CALL OFF THE WEDDING, TELL HIM TO LEAVE U ALONE IT OVER. that baby is 5month old right, he was doing you at the same time doing his baby mama. when you get marry to him, he will keep doing the same thing....RUN FOR YA LIFE

please don't listen to anyone that will advise you that men are scarce, PAWN THAT WEDDING GOWN, AND MOVE ON.

sexy said...

Darling, there is no relationship or marriage dat do not have problems at one point in time. one thing dat would have been helpful and u never mentioned was, wat reason did he give for cheating on u? u only briefly said d why, when, how or something but did not state d reason, it would have been so helpful here. bt all d same, i would sincerely tell u not to call off d wedding, sola on dis comment list spoke my mind and i would advise u to do as she said. a guy cheating on u is not enough for u to call of a wedding cos we have a bunch of dem out there. ALL MEN ARE POLYGAMOUS IN NATURE! Take dat from me baby.

loudmouthed said...

Those people that said his ex would move in, let her move in. Marriage is not about the ceremony. There are lots of challendges ahead. If it was just that he cheated, maybe there should be a rethink. But do you really want to live with a first step child??? And the distrust. If you are a christian, there is something better. Don't think of the marriage ceremony. If it is something you can deal with for the rest of your life then continue. Life is too short to be unhappy

The thing is Nigeria's culture is different. If it is UK, straight breakup. Hot men full everywhere. It won't be up to 2months u would get something better. But 9ja d man market tough well well.

Think about your step well. Talk to your family. They would only tell u what is best for u. Good luck :)

Anonymous said...

I have seen alot of comments about.... He was sleeping with his ex.... It's disrespectful she clearly was not an ex.. Blah blah blah.....

Granted he was wrong but what if....

At that time she caught him at his moment of weakness?

A time you 2 probably had a fight and she played the role of the best. friend

Conception takes a few minutes... It could have been just the one time, but then her own way of trapping him....

He had time to think, weigh his options and in the end he chose you... He really did nit have to but he did.....

Granted he waited too long to tell you but I can only imagine how scared he was of losing you...... But because he has a conscience he also could not bear the thought of lying to you for so long...

Yes he was wrong for asking you to keep it a secret and that is understandable because he must be extremely ashamed of himself.....

Ask yourself does your love for him really conquer all?

He has betrayed you but then you say he is your best friend, friends work things out.

All relationships must stand the test of time..... Let's turn the table, if you really messed up and indeed you were truly sorry wouldn't you want him to give you avsecond chance?

The ex is the loser in this and not you..... She dulled herself majorly.....

Call of the wedding if that's what u feel will make this pain go away....

But what if God has put him through this to teach him the importance of being faithful.... It is a harsh experience but with the possibility of a life learnt lesson.....

Ask God to show you the blessing behind this major disappointment...

So sorry you have to go through....

Whatever you decide to do I wish you all the happiness in the world.

God Bless darling x

* sorry for any typos can't proof read with this bloody iPad *

Anonymous said...

Cont.... As for the child, he or she being the first child is inconsequential because that child is an illegitimate child...

He will not love his children with you any more or less.. But his children with you will be from a marriage ordained blessed and approved by God.....

That's precious...

Dee dee said...

Perhaps this is God's way of saving you from an unhappy marriage. Who knows how many other skeletons he has in his wardrobe??? I pray you find guidance from God.

Anonymous said...

Can we see:

a picture of you

a picture of him

a picture of his ex


This way we can take a look at all 3 of you and decide what role physical appearance had to do with the whole thing.

Don't worry, I promise we won't tell anyone.

CCL said...

Nne, tell your parents please! They have your best interest at heart and with experience by their side, their indepth knowledge of you as their child, they can give you some sound advice. Talk to your pastor and pray.

In my opinion, I feel that she would be selling herself short from the get go by accepting this man back into her life, that is just me; however, she is the one who has to live with her decisions and it's consequences. This is not like he just cheated but he has a LIVING evidence of the cheating. She has to figure out how to not only deal with being disrespected, hurt and lied to but now this woman and her innocent child. I hope her christian walk is mighty strong because the forgiveness it takes to get past this kind of betrayal will take Herculean effort.

Personally, I would not just postpone the wedding, I would be calling it all off because this is a clear indication of what the future holds.

A man sleeps with his ex without protection while he is sleeping with his fiancee, gets the EX pregnant, keeps it a secret until the baby is almost due even though he's supposed to be his woman's best friend; that kind of man is capable of murder. He looked at this woman everyday knowing that he is doing something that can kill her spirit and he didn't care so what else is he capable of doing?

I would rather lose the money than lose my mind in a marriage in which the trust and respect has gone out the window and those two things are very HARD to get back once it's gone.

I would take my lumps, start fresh with someone else and that is not the say that the next guy is infallible but there are just certain things that is hard to swallow. As long as I haven't signed any papers or taken any vows, I would be out! Again, that's just me o!

Anonymous said...

I feel sorry for people who say all men cheat. That is usually the lies women (especially African women)tell themselves to continue in pointless relationships.

Not all men cheat I can assure you! My advise is to dry your eyes and go and give thanks to God because he has intervened on your behalf.
For him to leave it until after the birth to tell you shows that you were about to hear it from another source (your guess is as good as mine). Also most people usually know when their partners are cheating, the fact that it came as a complete shock to you shows that this guy is very good at what he does.
Now the same God that has exposed this news to you is the same God that has also given you free will so you might decide like some people here have suggested to 'work things out' with him. But guess what? That baby and his/her mum will foreever be part of your life. If you can live with that then all the best.

Anonymous said...

Moral of this story, don't raw dawg...

Anonymous said...





Anonymous said...


This is my situation...

I'm about to get married, it's a huge society wedding and all, but when I was in University, I did some questionable things with a few big men.

I'm scared that some of them will be at the wedding as my hubby's family is very well connected.

Please help, I know he loves me but how do I tell him?

Anonymous said...

call off the wedding as you sound too broken hearted in May/june to get married to him in October.
but you must realise a couple of things;
There is no guarantee that you would marry a better man (all round).
Whatever you choose to do, you must tell your parents.After all,they will find out.What story can you cook up for the break up?
Even if you choose to stay with him (later, obviously not in October),if you don't forgive him completely,don't stay.There is nothing worse than half hearted forgiveness.If after forgiveness you can't love without holding back, then no need loving.Just pack and go now.
Will he cheat again?Only God knows.
All those telling you about Leopards are ignorant.Some of them are leaving with serial cheats presently and do not know it.Some men sinned once and are living in guilt of it for the rest of their lives.
There is no hard and fast rule about cheating.

loudmouthed said...

Anoynmous 7:53, u are just very (fill that blank space) person. Even typing with "ipad", y are u telling us, plus ur comment self. Just shows how lil' minded u r. Ipad is not expensive stop using it to make urself feel important, pshewwww... It is only women with low self esteem that would take this.

I trust UK women, only flirty text msgs is enough to break marriage here self.

Advice is simple, marriage is hardwork. If you can deal with the child and being a stepmum then go ahead.

diva said...

my dear, i'ld advice you to call off the marriage. why was he not honest with u from day one? is this all he has to confess? have you thought of the possibility that there could be more? u r even lucky he told you now.....better now than later

Anonymous said...

Not all men cheat.
However, it is just God's grace that keeps some from falling like the rest.
Their is no hidden formula to prevent a man from cheating.
Some that are standing will fall before down and those who are standing do not even know how they are standing.

Anonymous said...

For the first time in my life reading Linda's blog, I am actually proud of being a nigerian woman. i was so scared when i clicked comment thinking i would see people saying she should forgive the lying cheating man. of course we had the mandatory slaves of life who said all men cheat (fat lie) and forgive....all in all, it has been said. Call the wedding off and in the future, you will be glad you did. i'm in by no way saying it would be easy but you have taken the first steps by having the courage, strength and power by moing out. If you can do that then you have the will. Best of luck and lots of future happiness.

Anonymous said...


This is my situation...

I'm about to get married, it's a huge society wedding and all, but when I was in University, I did some questionable things with a few big men.

I'm scared that some of them will be at the wedding as my hubby's family is very well connected.

Please help, I know he loves me but how do I tell him?"

Hmmmmmmmmm... Are those 'big men' going to tell him? If not, why are you worried?

Anonymous said...

I totally agree with those who have said you should take time out to do an “audit” of your relationship and pray about it. On the other hand, never ever undermine the power of the ex it can be unbelievably strong.

In my case, a couple of weeks back my ex wanted to make a come back just weeks after he had proposed to his fiancee saying he had made a grave mistake and he just can’t get me out of his head. He went on and on about how he had come to the realization that I was his soul mate and had literally called off his engagement to come after me along with the help of his best friend(lest, I forget he had tried to make a come back several times before this while he was dating this girl). Anyway, I was foolishly going to accept his overture and take him back with open arms but after an audit of our 5 year relationship and serious praying from my end, not only did the scales fall off my eyes but God ended the relationship in the most amazing way that put a final end to it. Guess what? he has run back to his exfiancee who has gladly taken him back with open arms because well…….. she’s 32 and time is ticking

What am I saying, If I was the bad kind of ex you know what the repercursion would have been. You need to sit your fiancé down to have a clear cut of the kind of relationship he has with her because this will determine how many more times he’ll run back to her particularly now that he has an excuse to be at her place and a 2nd and even 3rd child can be birthed.

My 2 cents

Anonymous said...

call me old fashioned but it is for reasons like this that it is adviced not to have se outside of marriage let alone move in with a man before you are married... i say this because without moving in together and the whole 'first person i slept with' business... you will be heart broken but it will be easier to move on.

as the milk has now been spilt... truth is.. he confessed... he was honest about the whole situaiton... options are to leave him and carry on with your life with the hope of finding someone better... or to stay with him and realise you will share your husband for the rest of your life... i mean.. he is someone's elses baby father and a child that is not yours father....

last but not the least.. pray and make a decision. whatever you decide make sure you can live with the consequences. good luck.

Anonymous said...

1st of all i must say sorry to this lady. Next a man like this can slowly kill you and you would not even know he is killing you. He is a very wicked man and my dear lady DO NOT AND I REPEAT DO NOT GO AHEAD AND MARRY THIS MAN once a cheat he would always be a cheat.

What made him to cheat on you if he loved you that much? It is obvious he does not love you and if he told you now or after the marriage is not the point. The point is can you trust this man again knowing that he has an ex and a child to go with it from the ex do not waste your time with this man he is not worth it.

Open your eyes wide and do not let anyone and i repeat anyone talk you into marrying this cheating evil man otherwise you have laid your bed and however rough it becomes later you would lie on it. Life is too short to take any nonsense from any man useless evil man as you are not even married yet there is nothing to get out of it is a case of staying out well ahead of time!!!

Anonymous said...

Linda, You are the bomb..
you have to upgrade to a Huffington post-type of blog otherwise you will not make millions like Ms Huffington did.

God is your strength said...

My dear.. you are so.. lucky.. thank God you did not tie the knot..

Put the wedding off for now.. and if he wants you he should start dating you all over again if you will still be interest...

Read this in the morning and been thinking about it all day and i can only imagine the hurt..

Things you'll have to consider.
1. he will have to visit this kid and will meet baby mama and like someone said.. if it happened while you guys were dating it can happen again..

You dnt want to be in constant fear of what the next surprise will be.

Also.. trust me.. it takes a lot to build up trust! and this one is a big one.. no money spent on planning can be compared to the torture u will be in if you consider this marriage at this point.

it would have been a diff things if this child was b4 u guys dated.. but mehnn...
if he really loves you.. then at this point he should know he does not deserve you and love you enough to let you go and not be selfish!

This is so annoy...

I really pray God gives you the grace... there is a silver lining for sure my dear. Just look to God.

Ada said...

My dear, really all you need to consider is that still little voice within you as you answer some questions truthfully. Can you forgive and move on and still love this man? Can you love his child as you would yours. Can you stand by and hear him discuss with his ex, the mother of his child for as long as you both shall live? Can you take "HER" child being his first born well. If you can honestly answer yes to most, then you can go ahead with the plans...truthfully no one is above mistakes. However, if you do answer no to most. You need to try to move on...because as painful as it may be right now, it will be for the best in the long run. Marriage takes a lot of compromise, commitment and yes lots of love and in marriage, issues are real and you can't run anytime an issue is raised. He will have to talk to the mother of his child for as long as you both shall live, he will have to bring up his child the best way he knows(you don't even want to be with a man who runs away from his responsibilities because if he does, one day he might run from the responsibilities in the home). Pray and hold on to God as you make your decision. Wish you Gods blessings.

Damisola said...

It's amazing how some Nigerian women would tell d complainant to accept her lot. Giving silly excuses like: good men are hard to find; all men cheat; do u want to be kicked out of your matrimonial home? For crying out loud, what if the guy kicked her out? Would she still be helpless? You av a choice now. U av seen d signs. Pls don't be blinded by the marriage yoke that affects so many of our women. Pls it is better to be alone than to be miserable cos of some guy. You wld get married some day and you would get married to a good man. Forgiving him now makes it easier for him to cheat on you. I'm sure the only reason why he told you was so that he could av some sort of advantage, playing the honesty card. Think about it, would he have forgiven you if you slept with your ex talk less of getting pregnant for your ex? Just cos he is not carrying the physical evidence doesn't make it any better. I'm sure u av a good job, u wld meet more guys and there are lots of guys out there who do not cheat. Don't accept less than what you deserve. I wish the best.

Anonymous said...

Anon 9:38, I fear o. See some women talking about "why did he cheat"? "She trapped him". Jesu! The man is not her husband, Nigerian not be condoning infidelity from a man that you have not married. Not all men cheat, are all Nigerian women loose? ehen, so how can you paint all men with one brush. The people that have not dealt with infidelity unko? I know everyone has their vices but cheating is one of those vices that has lots of implications and should not be tolerated. In a bid to be married, we sit and condone a no good man just to say you are married.

Look, letter writer...God has given you a clear as day sign, what do you want again? It is painful, most of us on here have been put through the ringer by ex boyfriends and girlfriends but you have to be strong at some point and do what is best for YOU!! No one else dear, you. Don't take second best because the caterer has been paid half of the deposit. The only thing you need to do before the Most High is sit and thank Him for saving you from utter disrespect and greater embarrassment. Ask Him to give you strength to deal with this and move on. It is hard to move on from your first but count this as experience and just hope for better. I would usually say it is up to you, make your own decision but honey, this is crystal clear. Proceeding with this gentleman is at your own risk. He knew about this baby throughout the pregnancy didn't he? Look, a person that loves you would rather hurt you with honesty than keep such a life-altering thing from you. Don't block your own blessing by hanging on to this man. If God wants to teach him a lesson on faithfulness, he can learn it by forming a life with his babymums. Best of luck to you but please know that there is nothing good left in this relationship. Beaucoup men are out there (good ones). I am living proof that once you gather the strength to leave a cheat, you will find the one that is meant for you.

Ada said...

My dear, really all you need to consider is that still little voice within you as you answer some questions truthfully. Can you forgive and move on and still love this man? Can you love his child as you would yours. Can you stand by and hear him discuss with his ex, the mother of his child for as long as you both shall live? Can you take "HER" child being his first born well. If you can honestly answer yes to most, then you can go ahead with the plans...truthfully no one is above mistakes. However, if you do answer no to most. You need to try to move on...because as painful as it may be right now, it will be for the best in the long run. Marriage takes a lot of compromise, commitment and yes lots of love and in marriage, issues are real and you can't run anytime an issue is raised. He will have to talk to the mother of his child for as long as you both shall live, he will have to bring up his child the best way he knows(you don't even want to be with a man who runs away from his responsibilities because if he does, one day he might run from the responsibilities in the home). Pray and hold on to God as you make your decision. Wish you Gods blessings.

Anonymous said...

DO YOU LOVE HIM? DOES HE LOVE YOU OR HER (HIS EX)?. it all depends on your happiness and your future together if thats what you want...If you can deal with an outside baby cool...BUT...THAT SPEAKS VOLUMES...if you didnt find out now...yrs after the marriage you would have found out. Just take time and pray babe girl...I pray every thing works out for your greater good...*HUGS*

Anonymous said...

This is the oldest trick in the book used by some men to scare an 'araldite' girl away. The girl reacted just like the guy (player) expected her to. If she wants to surprise the guy, she should act like nothing happened, and still profess her love for him. Before October, he will come up with another story. Summary is that there is no ex-girl friend with no baby hanging around anywhere. Period!

Nenyenwa said...

My dear, the life changing decision is yours only to make. We can only give you our opinions but can never be in your shoes. My dear if he wants you to keep in from his and your family; he has not yet parted with his ways. You may also never have found out if there was no child involved. Which is sad because he may not have planned to tell you until he saw the baby face to face. If he is a guy not worth loosing, then you can postpone the wedding. My next advice is never make a man feel that it was too easy to get you. Moving with him was a big no no, he had a wife without having to do enough. If he was able to get away without you knowing, he will do it again. Good Luck!

Anonymous said...

Your story is soooo similar to my parents story, its scary. Ofcourse my mother went ahead and got married, (hence why i am alive). It has been FAR from happily ever after. I will not go into detail about that. Do you want your children to have a step brother or sister? It can work but it is not ideal.

Think about your own unborn kids. They deserve a stable home.

Snick said...

I know that right now this lady is probably thinking about the embarrassment involved in canceling the wedding plans and the whispering, having everyone come to their own conclusion as to why the wedding is off. Nevertheless, I still say like most above... cancel the wedding... at least for now... a week is not enough time to come to grips with that type of revelation and marriage is not the place to be figuring it out, especially when she's not yet there... unless of course she feels it is impossible, or that she is unworthy of better treatment and I hope that she possesses enough esteem and care for herself to know that even if another man does not come her way (I am exaggerating), she still deserves better or that which she is willing to accept. Either way cancel it. You can do badly all by yourself!

Anonymous said...

My dear, if your young and really love this guy pospone the wedding for now. It's hard to just cut it off because your emotions are involved. Continue to date him to see how the birth of his child impacts the relationship especially dealing the child's mother. Keep your options open as you continue to explore the possibility of having a future with him. If you're chasing the clock kick his ass to the curb ASAP!! Either young or older this is most likely the end. Above all pray for the Almighty's guidance and take heed the advice given by your parents. Best wishes!!!

Anonymous said...

Has he done a DNA test to make sure that the baby is really his?

YES or NO: You still need to call off the wedding because you guys are not married yet and he cheated, IMAGING marrying him! He said he cheated just once? Do not believe him!

CAN you live with his philandering ways?

The answer is up to YOU!

Please make the right choice as this is a lifetime commitment! Nothing is worth your SANITY.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

sigh! sigh!. A wise man said to me a long long time ago that once a man has been intimate with a woman AKA skin-to-skin, it takes very little to cross that barrier again and again. They will FOREVER be linked by their daughter, they will forever have opportunities for more skin-to-skin contact (whether he wants to or not, he will do it). He was actively 2-timing you for God knows how long and without protection, putting you at risk for HIV. Do you know how many more women? Can you be absolutely sure it was only this Ex?
Whatever you decide to do, please do not withold this life-changing information from your family as only they will pick you pick when you fall, except God. If you do decide to stay on with him, then it must not be in more lies and secrecy. Also know that you can never separate him from his daughter and her mother, so if you decide to marry him, get used to the fact that you will also be marrying both of them because they will be your "family" whether you like it or not. Can you handle it? Are you cunning enough to handle such a situation? Mind you, I said cunning, not wise. May God help you in your decision, but whatever you decide, it is not the end of the world. Please do not commit suicide oh, you will find a better man if you do decide to leave him. If you decide to stay, God grant you lots of patience, and please wear condoms with him so that you will not catch HIV / AIDS, for real.

Anonymous said...

This is tough, and i want to let you know that if you keep it a secret it is like hiding a thief in your own neighbourhood. Because there is no secret under the sun and one day it will hurt you more than this. My advice is to tell your parents especially your dad who can think first. Why dad? Because men think first before taking action. your Mother will only add fire and will over react. You know women are too emotional than men.

joshua said...

i think he made a mistake, exes can be very manipulative...he was man enough to tell you before u gt married infact very close to ur marriage date, that i feel shows a good guy n a bad situation...ok ok maybe nt really a good guy, but he is trying what he's gonna do for the period u nt talking that should make it easier for you to decide...but dont shut him out totally!!...n dont be in a hurry to throw away ur probably best future....who says the next guy would even tell u if he did somn like wise!!! not so many good men out there anymore...!!!

Anonymous said...

My dear, dont call it off. i can tell you the field is not greener across the fence. Marriage is all about endurance and patience. Men are all the same (i know some will not agree with me). if he doesnt love u, he will keep it secret until after ur wedding. Men will always cheat on women. forgive him and move on with your wedding plans. but ofcourse u can call it off if u plan to remain single for the rest of ur life, becos the next man might even do worst. the animal called MEN!

Anonymous said...

pls DO NOT call off the wedding until u re sure u want to do so,the fact that he told u someone is having a baby for him means he still loves u.wat if it wasnt his fault, may be it was his ex girlfriend that seduced him or even Jazzed him just to get him frm u.if he truely is sorry do forgive him nd move on with ur life pls.

Anonymous said...

We girls, when we see a man that approaches us for friendship we'll think he has no girl friend or serious date, We'll just rush to accept without taking time to find out the true person. The guy in question was into a relationship b4 u surface, he was hiding it from u cos u were new. He cannot abandon the girl that has suffered with him for years to u of yesterday.U did'nt no him very well, please allow him and his ex-friend if u call her that but wife to marry, pack out cos even if u go ahead to marry him u will become a second wife.

Anonymous said...

Na Wa for the story and all the comments sef

Chilling said...

Linda, you are now an Agony Aunt and we are all contributors! There’s nothing more to add from me. I will call it off and move on.....

Anonymous said...

You need to call the wedding off...if they didnt have the baby will he tell you? pLS YOU NEED TO RE-EVALUATE YOUR relationship

theyinx said...

your poor dear. i cannot begin to imagine what you're going through. it goes beyond whether to marry him or not. this is a man that you love and has betrayed you in the worst possible way.

at the end of the day, no one can tell u what to do. the wedding is in october so u still have a lot of time to think. if you know you love him enough to forgive him and you can deal with his excesses, then go ahead. if not, call off the wedding. however, marry him or no, i think its important that you try your best to forgive him. i kno0w it wont be easy, probably be the most difficult thing you will ever have to do, but if u dont u may just end up hating him and men.

i'm in no way supporting what he did, but i think he scores some points by telling you before the wedding. a selfish man would have waited for after when you wont have much of a choice. some will even wait for you to find out by yourself.

what i will not advise is for you to keep his secret. dont assist him in his betrayal. if he cared so much about what his family and yours have to think about him, perhaps he should have thought about that before he went to skinny dip with his ex. tell ur parents and his too. let his family know that their son has effed up and that he has a lot of work to do if at all the wedding will go on as planned.

you also have to give some though to what will become of the child if you marry him. will you be able to accept the child or will its presence be too painful a reminder. i hope for your sake the baby mama is not one of those troublesome women who probably did this to get the man to commit to her. if she is, you may have a serz battle on your hands.

All in all i will just advise that you think properly about this. most importantly PRAY and seek counsel from the wise and GODLY!!! let God lead you aright. He has good plans for you. as painful as this period may be for you, remember that God is there to share your burden. He wont let u bear more than you can carry. Trust in him and trust in urself too.

i wish you the best whatever your decision maybe.

skankmypeaceofmind said...

Sweetheart, before i saying anything else, i need for you to run to the nearest hospital and run a comprehensive test on every and any SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASE/INFECTION. You need to be aware of your health condition especially because he had unprotected sex with her and whoever else he might have been doing it with but didn't tell you because there are no offsprings from them. Secondly, I need you to leave everything (meaning postpone the wedding INDEFINITELY), pack your bags and off to somewhere you know he or any other person (even your parents) wouldn't find you. Switch off or better still forget your phone(s), laptop or any other means of communication. You need that time to yourself. Take as long as you want. There you can cry alone, think alone and pull yourself together because its your life and you need a clear head to make perfect or near perfect decisions in order to make your journey through life easy. Thirdly, when your head is clear and you are sure that you are ready to make your decision you go ahead and ask him and her the questions you are dying for them to be answered. From the answers and how they answered those questions, you make your decision.

Anonymous said...

I honestly feel ur pain dearie. i experienced something similar. i am married. met my hubby in march 2008. the relationship was an instant take off. in 2 months, it was like we had dated 2yrs and then in the 6th month of the relationship, he tells me his ex had a child for him in the month we met! well, i was hurt but my suituation differs from ur in dat he did it b4 he met me bu tthe hurt is the same. we are married now and NOONE IN MY FAMILY KNOWS ABOUT HIS ILLEGITIMATE CHILD!!!! i told noone. thing is, please, please, find out EXCATLY what happened. there is no excuse for what he did cos u didnt do it him (not lilke u didnt have temptations as well) but it is something u can pull through.he told u, give him kudos for that cos u might never have found out.sit and think real hard. leave sentiments aside and really think - did u ever have any doubt about this guy? even if u dismissed it at the time.the october wedding will DEFINETALY be postponed but work with him and see if something can be salvaged. its a 2 way thing though - he might just keep on doing like he did after marriage or he will never ever forget you for forgiving him and treat u like a princess. but pls, thrash out teh issue - discuss how you 2 will go about taking care of the baby,what his relationship will be with the mother and stuff like that. when u discuss, dont see him as the man u love but hurt u.see him as a regular guy talking to u about his f**k up (leave ur bag of sentiments under the bed at home!)take care sister

Nenyenwa said...

Also you can mess with him and tell him you have a child or you cheated to see if he is willing to forgive. That way you can truly justify your actions for leaving him. (This is my husband's advice) He truly believes no man will tolerate a cheating wife, so why should women. Your marriage will begin with dishonesty and distrust, which is a big no no for us. Good luck again.

Angel said...

i just want u to be urself from dis moment, put urself together, i pray God to comfort u.

now, i want to tell u dat i av been in same situation some years back, but thank God i am happily married to a man who cares so much for me. i was almost killing my self like u, just go to God in prayer so dat u will nt miss ur way, he might be the one or he might not be the one. for now relax ur self, stop crying, the devil uses people to decieve people, for now stay apart from him, don't tell him nomore nor yes but keep praying and see what God will do.

Your prayer point should be "God give me my own home of happiness, a man designed by u to give me joy".

And u must be sincere to urself and to God. don't think about him and dn't go out with other people's husband so dat God will answer ur prayer, dis is notthing but the fact i'm telling u. just stay alone for a couple of some months and see what God will do. If he is the one for you, you'll see it, if he is not the one, u'll still notice it. God be with you.

Anonymous said...

Oh Girl, I can totally feel u right now. It happened to me 7yrs ago, 3 wks to my wedding. Was as confused as you are but deep in my heart even though i loved him, i knew I could not live with it. I called it off. It was like the end of relatioships for me cos ours was a celebrated one.
To cut a long story short, I got married 4yrs later and i couldnt have wished for a better husband.
Please take time reflec and seek the wisdom of God to make the right decision with the support of your family and loved ones.
You surely will be happy again

EJ said...

The devil u know is better than the angel u don't know, the question is, WHO is the BEST man in this world? What if u were the one dat had a child before marrage, will u not wish a man to marry you? common my dear, i'm a woman like u, am not married yet and i don't have a child yet. just chil!!!!!! pray, look back is there love between both of u? dn't let the child cause u miss ur glory. who knows if the child is his own or he just want to tempt u.

men are thesame everywhere.

Anonymous said...

I'll advice u leave him, u said d only time u guys were apart was if he was working? Then what time did he have to sneak behind your back n get his ex pregnant? He is a smart guy that know's his way around, the only reason he told you was maybe the baby mama is threatening to come and spill the beans if he goes along with the marriage plans or he know's you'l get to find out someday, thats why he ratted, if youre as pretty as i am and guys don't allow you rest, then bounce, but if youre fugly n youre a matured citizen, you fit manage the cheat sha, but take it from me, he will still cheat again with the baby mama and be rest assured they'll have more kids together, pere!
Nb: calling off the wedding u no losse cos na d guy spend money pass for wedding preparations, spoil d money for am n sell all items in your possesion, at least that will give me lil joy if it were me sha

Anonymous said...

I'll advice u leave him, u said d only time u guys were apart was if he was working? Then what time did he have to sneak behind your back n get his ex pregnant? He is a smart guy that know's his way around, the only reason he told you was maybe the baby mama is threatening to come and spill the beans if he goes along with the marriage plans or he know's you'l get to find out someday, thats why he ratted, if youre as pretty as i am and guys don't allow you rest, then bounce, but if youre fugly n youre a matured citizen, you fit manage the cheat sha, but take it from me, he will still cheat again with the baby mama and be rest assured they'll have more kids together, pere!
Nb: calling off the wedding u no losse cos na d guy spend money pass for wedding preparations, spoil d money for am n sell all items in your possesion, at least that will give me lil joy if it were me sha

~Sirius~ said...

Marriage, sex, cheating, side chics, secret children.....always a hot topic. Linda better create a 2nd blog strictly for that and link it to this one.

Every woman has a breaking point.

Shame or no shame........this situation I, ~Sirius~ CAN NOT.....I will return, sell, and give out everything that has to do with the wedding preparation.

She should bless God for allowing the man to tell her BEFORE the is a Sign from God to FLEE!!!!

A broken engagement is waaaaaaaaay better than a broken marriage.

She will never really get over this.

I've had a cheating boyfriend before, and I know how that felt! But a cheat fiancé??!!!! Lai Lai....

Unless she want's to be tossing and turning in her matrimonial bed every other night, thinking but why?, I wish he did't , if only things were different, blah blah blah....I'm sure that is not her idea of a marriage.

good move........moving out, she should just stay out.

That man has a seed by another woman, he not going to totally ignore for for the rest of his life.

Ebere said...


After reading your story and taken my time to go tru peoples' responses,i must say,i am impressed with majority of the responses.Honestly,i feel your pain cos have also experienced heartbreak too but i know you will come out strong.My dear,u should count yourself lucky that God loves u,why i said so is that the cheating, the pregnancy,and the confession is all God's way of showing you that he is not your husband cos whatever God gives his children adds no sorrow but happiness.On no account should u marry him,no matter what is involved.Look,ask God for His grace to be able to know what to do in this situation.may God help u.

Anonymous said...

Sweetheart, please call of the wedding and tell your parents immediately, you need release from the pressure. You'll be surprised about how many people he has discussed this your 'secret' with. I have been in the same situation before, though I was married then, I kept the secret and I was so humiliated both by my then husband and the baby mama. I took care of the baby (uhmmmmmm) but it didn't stop them from having sex, while I was babysitting. He kept on sleeping around, believing all it takes is to say "I'm sorry" and life goes on. I went into depression and my self esteem went underground, it was only the grace of God that brought me out of that trap called marriage.

Seek the face of God not to be able to go ahead with this marriage but for you to be able to move on, thank Him for allowing this to happen NOW. His so called sincerity is a facade, why didn't he tell you when he realised his ex was pregnant, pregnancies takes nine months or thereabout, so why wait until the baby has been named and the secret will get out to you somehow.

Let him live with his mistake, you were no part of it and you don't deserve to be punished for his mistake - yeah sure, you will be suffer BIG time.

Forget about all the monies spent, what if he has died (God forbid). Life will still go on. Talk, talk and talk more, it will help the healing process, because my dear you are hurting really bad now.

It is well with you and God will give you a man that will give you peace of mind and not make you suicidal.

Shegreeny said...

Sis, take it that you are blessed he told you, that means something abi, cos if you had found out after the wedding am sure you would have died. one advice i would give you would be talk to the guy like friend that you claim to be and YOU would see the answer you seek. Asking for advise in matters of love only TWO of you feel for each other is hard and could be misleading. Chic sit this guy down and talk to him believe me you would know what to do cos if you wanted to leave him you would post this here.

BTW, Linda nice one.

Ibifiri Kamson said...

wow its sad but I think she should just put the wedding on a hold for now and think of what she wants to do. I know one thing for sure if she was the one that had the baby for her ex, there will definitely not be an october wedding for his parents will not want a lose girl for their daughter in law.
And lastly she should pray about it, for God is the only one that can help her right now.

tunex2010 said...


Sincerely speaking, your situation is difficult but to every problem there is a solution and the solution is for you to humbly walk out of the relationship in respective of your preparation towards October wedding and never mind whatever people are going to say about your disappointment. If they mock you today, they will surely praise and congratulate you tomorrow because people don't praise loser but winner. Determine to become a winner in this emotional battle.

Anonymous said...

Decision is your's to make. The best advise we can give you here is for you to speak with your family about this. They are the best people to help you get through this. The painful part in thought is, he should have told you when she got pregnant and not waited till this 11th hour!!! WTH is even wrong with naija guys these days?? I don't get it!!! hissss.... Sorry love, seek counsel from your parents. Most importantly pray about it. The answer lies in your heart and head, follow it.

Anonymous said...

i wish my situation was like yours, i wouldn't be tied down in a deceitful marriage right now and there wont be any need to pay a lawyer to represent me for the divorce. my dear, run, run, run and run. he doesn't deserve u at all, most likely u earn more than him and he sees u as a money bag, that is the reason he prefers to marry u instead of his baby mama as u are the one providing the money to cater for their needs. dear, God will provide a better man that will appreciate u very soon. a canceled engagement is far better off that a divorce. think of the child u might have before he shows u that he never loved u really but your moneyyyyyy. run dearie run.

Anonymous said...

1. Speak to your parents, do not help this man cover up his shame.

2. DO not buy into that "at least he was honest", the baby was in her belly for 9 months and he knew.

3. He is not the last man on earth. Men are not that hard to find. DO NOT LET the people that want you to join their unhappily married camp tell you otherwise.

4. ((Hugs)), You must be going through a lot right now but some of us are standing in prayers with you and you can pull through.

5. You deserve more than a boyfriend that will cheat on you. Bump whether he was jazzed, tripped and fell in, seduced etc.
I left a 5 year relationship with a man that absolutely deceived me. The child's mother beat him to revealing his secret. I wasted no time and girl God has blessed me with a wonderful man (he is not perfect) but I am so grateful and I wish the old guy showed his true colors earlier :)

You are going to be just fine. Please do not commit suicide, you have so much to live for. Some men are despicable but honey there are some honest ones out there, I promise you. Unfortunately, some of the commenters are in marriages with men that they knew had the tendency to go elsewhere, do not let them convince you that all men are like that. Take heart.

Anonymous said...

This is trouble...and yes what the baby mama thinks about this whole thing must also be factored in...she might also be gunning for the man.

Dont envy you at all. Just might be in for a turmultuous young marriage if proper decisions aint taken now.

Everyone, should be on the table now.

Anonymous said...

Get out now before it is too late. I know that the only thing keeping you in the relationship is the fact that you lost your virginity to him. Forget about virginity and embrace peace of mind and love elsewhere. Of course, it is going to be painful in the short term but time heals all wounds!

From Doctor of HEARTS!

DOCTOR said...

Get out now before it is too late. I know that the only thing keeping you in the relationship is the fact that you lost your virginity to him. Forget about virginity and embrace peace of mind and love elsewhere. Of course, it is going to be painful in the short term but time heals all wounds!

Anonymous said...

please pack ur stuffs and leave coz his telling u is a strategy he is using to hold u down and then he comes to tell u another shocker. marriage is ment to be enjoyed not endured. dont be surprised his parents alredy knows about it so dont be FOOLED. all the best

Anonymous said...

Switheart! U re d reason i will be posting a comment on Linda’s blog since i became a big fan few months ago....i only enjoy reading her post nd laughing at sm of d comments...Buh this story caught my attention....i want to do four things here i will scold, ask questions, give my opinion(an advice), and recommend..

I will scold u for: moving in with him before marriage and the pre-marital sex issue(ladies watch out giving a man ur virginity does nt guarantee security or his being faithful to u) and i’m saying this bcos she said “he was the first guy i ever slept with.. and this is what i get? I dont know how to tell my parents as this will break their hearts!” ,,Pls dnt convince a guy with ur body...I m saying dis incase u decide to move on and find sm1 else dnt make d same mistake... A man his supposed to find a woman in her parents house and take her to his own house.....Even Linda still stays
wit her mum(abi Linda babay)...

My Questions for u: Did u ever know about dis EX nd did he tell u abt d past relationship wit her when u met nd started dating....He said it was a mistake...How did he say d mistake happened? Did he ever ask u to get pregnant nd u refused? since he was hving unprotected sex with his EX nd sleeping with u too.

My advice 4 u: This issue is very clumpsy bcos there are so many things involved, u re obviously in love wit this guy nd he is one person u trusted nd u cherished ur relationship....the first thing i will like you to do his to take him to his own mother and tell him to confess it to her in your presence(it’s even possible she knows)...then u call a meeting in ur own house wit ur dad nd mum nd tell them(let them knw his mother knws)....ur dad will then schedule a meeting wit his parents jst like they did 4 d introduction nd let him be in d middle...nd i m saying this bcos she said.. “i have since moved into my girlfriend's flat as i cannot even stand to look him in the face.... i trusted him so much”..Whtever he says at d meeting will then inform ur decisions bcos it will be difficult 4 him to hide anything again bcos thr is no more is possible d girl his threatening him....dnt talk to him in secret or based on emotions bcos he will lie nd he his protectin himself dats y he wants u to keep it a secret...IT’S ABOUT U NOW BABE....

My recommendation: You need to talk to God...nobody can giv u a perfect answer..i will not say call off d wedding or suspend d ceremony but i believe God can help u nd giv u direction nd d wisdom to handle d situation.....BTW if u re a Christian talk to ur pastor...nd LASTLY GET DAT SUICIDAL TOT OFF UR MIND....IF U KILL URSELF GUESS WAT BABYMAMA IS STILL AROUND!!!

And for all of u ladies dat think its another womans thing u like...i dnt ve ur time today..we go dey talk...LINDA BABAY u re fantastic jare..kip d flag up babe....

Anonymous said...

Hey darling,

I'm so sad to hear your situation. Let go and let God. Submit it to him.

1. He told you two weeks after the baby arrived. What about during the 9 months or pregnancy and when he slept with her? He didn't even mention anything. If not, for the child, only God knows if he would have ever told you.

One shouldn't keep secrets from their spouses. It is very obvious that this man can not be trusted. I mean, this secret of them sleeping together and the pregnancy were held for several months. Please, don't subject yourself to this.

Also, if you marry him, remember that you have also married the ex girl friend and child. Those are two other people now involved in your marriage. You will have to live with this for the rest of your life and you won't enjoy it at all. When you get married, time should be spent getting to know one another and enjoying yourselves. This is before you begin to have kids. But, in this situation, right off the boat, before you even wed, there's a child and a baby mama. It will be difficult to cope. You won't enjoy your marriage as much as you hope. A lot of money would be spent on this woman and child. And he will keep a lot of matters from you.

This man is very wicked. Believe me. Financial matters and all other things would be kept a secret from you. I'm sure he only told you because he knew you would find out sooner or later. He is heartless for cheating on you and not revealing it till the lady gave birth for him. How are you sure it was even a mistake? What if it was an on-going thing? Do not believe a word he says, if you want happiness.

Like, Pastor Paul Adefarati said, it is better to have a broken engagement than a broken marriage. Tell your parent's the situation and do not leave any details out and also inform his own parents. Let him be shamed. You must inform everyone and then decide what you want. However, you can move on dear. Other men and women will respect you even more for this decision. And you will find another man soon. A good man this time and when they know that you broke off a marriage already in the works because of a lying cheat, they will not try such nonsense with you again. And the ones that like rubbish won't approach you again. AMEN

Goodluck sweetie and let us know what you decide please. PRAY PRAY PRAY and i will also be praying for you.

x x x

Dee dee said...

The poor innocent baby that has been born into this unfortunate situation also has to be considered. I know you're hurting and this is not your major concern right now but If you end up marrying this man then that child might grow up in an unstable home through no fault of his/hers. As I wrote in my previous post maybe this is God's way of telling you that this is not your husband. Listen to your gut and what it is telling you.

shaun said...

oh, darling...
these things happen, and it is so painful being a victim.
it is possible that the ex seduced him/blablabla like some people have said, but the bitter truth is, most Nigerian men have the bad habit of having a "fiancee" and an "ex" that they are stringing along at the same time, dangling the "promise of marriage" to both.

Briefly consider the things he has told the "ex" about you. That she is an ex, do you KNOW that for sure? or is it just because he told you this? the only person's heart you know for sure is yours. Not your best friend, not your fiancee, and not even a fiancee who still sleeps around.

Know that she will be a part of your life forever, greater is the possibility that she will be a thorn in your side as long as you live- if you marry him. The possibility that she will be a sweet-loving babymama, (who will stay out of your way and treat you with respect and honour, that she will not desire your man sexually, psychologically, emotionally or financially) is very very VERYYYYY small. Less than tiny.

Everynight that he is "working late", you will wonder if he truly is. Every business trip, you will question... you can lie to the world, buy beautiful clothes and paste a smile on your face, but you cannot lie to yourself. Most likely you will lead yourself to a path of bitterness and self-doubt and heartache and crying.

Also consider that she might not have been the only one he had unprotected sex with. This is coming to light just because she got pregnant. He should have known better. He put his needs before yours, as a person and as a union. Now you need to do the same for yourself as a person BEFORE you enter a union. He probably will cheat again...after you are married. Most likely she will birth another one. He will play her and he is playing you. Women in love...keep giving more and more of themselves.

my advice,

1. go for a medical checkup to be sure he hasn't passed on any diseases to you)

2. call off the wedding for now.

3. tell your parents, his saying you should tell NO ONE confirms that he is selfish, and is using emotional blackmail (your love of him) to his advantage to make himself look good. most likely he told you because you were close to finding out by someone else.

4. Pray a lot. Limit your circle of friends. You need to meditate on God's Word. Be careful of the people you let advise you, keep your sanctuary clean. Forget about his friends. They all probably know.

5. Forget his family for now. People are fickle. God forbid after marriage you have only female children and she gives birth to a boy, and another? Or for some reason you don't get along so well with his family then? they will be the first to frustrate you out of that home and pit her against you. forever comparing, forever judging and forever complaining. And once you are married... SMH... the emotional trauma of getting out after all that sacrifice is way worse than cancelling this wedding now. And, his family probably ALREADY KNOW. he is their son, they WILL protect him over you. FACT.

it is easy for the world to say endure, forgive and forget.

i say, enjoy, forgive and remember that you have a choice to be spared a life of endurance, anxiety, sorrow and pain. God is your strength. You are the source of your happiness, not a man/ a woman. Married is not always happy, and single is not always lonely. Odds are, you will get a much better man, one who honors and respects you and loves you like you deserve to be loved.

Anonymous said...

My dear,
Your fiancee did not tell you the truth so that you leave him, he simply left himself at your mercy trusting that sometime after your anger, your love for him will triumph. This is a test of love. If you pass it, it might be your last before a life of complete joy.

Please stay, and think of how God forgives our biggest goof-ups.

Stay for love sake only. That alone is reason enough.

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