Doing this is not easy for me, i had to go through this over and over in my mind. I finally decided to let this steam out, so i could have some sanity.
I am a born again christain, married for close to a decade with three children. I have what could be termed a 'peaceful marriage'. Peaceful beacuse despite all the issues we have, we hardly have any ground breaking auguments, we just flow with the tide, is this healthy? NO, have i tried to change it YES. What response do I get- silence.
When we have issues, I am always trying to call my husband, so we could at least communicate our grievances and try to resolve them. My husband will listen while i make all my compliants and when i ask him to respond, he would always say, he has nothing to say. Let me say that he has something like a dual personality, he is very nice to outsiders but can be very nasty to members of his household. This however is not my reason for this mail. I have a recent issue on my hands, and while seeking for answers, i also want to be counselled.
I gave birth in the last quarter of last year, shorthly before this I had noticed that my husband had changed towards me for no reason i could lay my hands on. I called him and asked him what the issue is but he says it is nothing. He tried to change to his former ways and told me about a lady he met and how he grew to like the person, he had met the person three months before he told me and till a week before she didn't know he was married. I had a heart to heart talk with him about coming clean on his marital status anytime he tries to establish a relationship with anyone,just so anyone knows and the boundary is set. I have noticed that he sometimes deliberating hides his marital status. He however tells me about the lady from time to time, he says they are just friends and that she is currently dating someone. She travelled recently and my husband wanted her to buy some things for him, so he started communicating with her via email. He told me about a mail he sent to her and said he was going to show me the mail, when i later asked him about it, his response is that he had already showm me the mail, i kept quiet, and i grew suspicious, because he did not show me the mail and it was intentional.
We both have access to our emails. I decided to check his mail the next day and i discovered why he smartly hid the mail from me. I read through all their correspondes. In fairness to the lady, she tried to keep the communication formal, while my husband was very informal, he even referred to her as 'dearest 'and 'darling' in the body of the mails, terminologies he has not used for me in the past 8 years, i was alarmed. I waited till he got back from work, no fight, no augument, while we were in bed,Í decided to bring up the issue with him, his response- SILENCE. I married my husband as a virgin, i have made a vow that no man whether my husband is alive or dead will have access to my heart. However, I am pushed to channel all the love i have for my husband to my children, which is what happens when the men starts to misbehave. I am not enjoying this marriage anymore and DIVORCE is not an option for me personally. What do you think?
25 comments:
vey soon there will be 'pls LIB readers, what type of style l need to employ in bed with my husband, next week friday...
linda, u2 pls some stories are just not worth puting out here. tell some people to handle their issues themselves.
Silence
My Dear Lady,i empathise with your situation.The Chemistry of physical attraction is not an exact science.We are not immune to mistakes,dullness or boredom.Neither are we,be we born again,to physical attraction to one other than ours.How we deal with it is what matters.
Not saying your Marriage is boring.But a lack of excitement can causr/create extra curricular cravings.See the human that we are always crave things.Be it new adventure or reaction.For instance a reaction you might say feel......... when you sight the opposing gender whom perhaps,tickled you pink or giddy or to the point of arousal.
Something you once felt for one you LOVE.Your Husband could have changed his password if its to late to bring him back.He Didnt.I implore to please take it cool.And stop fretting about the said Lady.A Lady who it might just be saw what you saw in your Husband and appreciates him,for she might already know about his Marital inclination.Hence,the formality.
Why dont you take it back to him.As in try to rejuvenate the missing Zing in your Marriage.Change certain routines.Look after yourself.Dress Sexy.Manicure/Pedicure/Fragrances/Lingerie etc.
And when you do all of that,dont be out for a reaction.Do it like you are just feeling Good about yourself.
And if he brings her up again.....get him to invite her over for Dinner.Albeit nonchallantly.Give her a chance to rethink after seeing what she is about to interfere in.Were she to be a willing party to the Shenanigans aperpetrating.
BEST OF LUCK.
It is very easy to take the "channel all my love into my children" approach. All hope is not lost in your situation. You say divorce is not an option, well missy you have your work cut out for you.
There is a woman that your husband is entertaining as a friend (in an inappropriate manner). You want to nip this habit in the bud before it becomes a case of different women.
How is your marriage life? I know the work of a mother is very tasking and it can eat up all your time. It is easy for us all to sit down and start saying he should do this, that and the other but he is not here to listen to that advice and it will honestly get you no where. So I am not going to even go into, o that man is selfish yada yada...we all know that. You want to change this situation so here are some suggestions I have:
-When you have your heart to heart, are you talking to your spouse or at your spouse. People tend to shut down when they feel they are being attacked. This might explain the silence (he is there but his zones out). Try a different approach with communicating with this man. You know him better than we do, what do you do to get him to listen to you other times? Try using those tactics. Avoid the words/phrases..."you always do, you never do"
-How is your everyday life? Have you guys become Papa and Mama XYZ? Do you still do fun things together? Can you try to make that happen? Give the kids to a sibling, relative, someone for a day (heck an afternoon) for a little you and him couple time. That time can be spent doing stuff other than bringing up issues in the house and in your marriage. What are some fun things you guys did when you were dating? What are some mutual interests, heck what does he really like to do? Both of you go out and spend a day having fun...just you and him.
-Like I said, I know it is really hard being a mother and wife. Sometimes, we women neglect our appearance when dealing with all the stresses that come with juggling a household. If you haven't done this in a while...take a day and pretty yourself up, not for him but for you. That added confidence will get him to turn his head and think "woah, who is this?"
-How is your love life in the bedroom? This question is self explanatory. If it is non-existent, make a pass at him, seduce him, make love to your husband.
-Keep him in your prayers. Put your marriage in prayers. There are so many devices out there and all that needs to happen in a marriage is for one partner to become weak and careless and BAM...nonsense begins to sip into your home. So get on your knees and pray for God to help your husband, for God to open his eyes to be more loving.
I know you will see comments bashing him etc, all those comments are good and fine and the rah rah sisterhood-ness of it all is empowering, but you have said you want a solution (at least that is what I get from your message). We are not dealing with bf/gf stuff so it might seem like you have to put in some initial work to put some steam back in your marriage. Once he sees your initiative, he will follow suit.
I pray you and your husband get back to loving each other. I also hope you guys can work on your communication skills. Both of you are lacking things in your marriage. All the best dear.
For this Man to have Loved you b4, still stays with you and can still even mention some stupid things to u; PRAYER IS UR KEY, PRAYER IS UR KEY...
Well you leftsome important stuff out:
Firstly your size and weight when you got married and your size and weight now.
Men are visual creatures, and if he married a slim goody who has now turned into a baby hippo, well that's a problem right there.
Secondly your sexual hubris, if you were once a 3 course fancy meal and are now an appetizer or a plate of eba with one small meat, then wahala
Thirdly, and you may have let yourself go mentally, the man is in 2011, you are still in 2001.
Fourthly, he may be having a mid-life crisis, and and its not about you, but him.
Lastly, and your marriage may hav run its course and its time to move on.
Well you leftsome important stuff out:
Firstly your size and weight when you got married and your size and weight now.
Men are visual creatures, and if he married a slim goody who has now turned into a baby hippo, well that's a problem right there.
Secondly your sexual hubris, if you were once a 3 course fancy meal and are now an appetizer or a plate of eba with one small meat, then wahala
Thirdly, and you may have let yourself go mentally, the man is in 2011, you are still in 2001.
Fourthly, he may be having a mid-life crisis, and and its not about you, but him.
Lastly, and your marriage may hav run its course and its time to move on.
Anon-Oma, u are the bomb!! You slam ducked the issue. Linda, i think u should make Anon-Oma ur personal blog counsellor cos he/she has got some words!
Anonymous 2.26pm, if u dont have any reasonable contribution or help to render,it will do every one some good for u to zip it!Someone comes to u for help and all the good u can muster is to talk rubbish.Ibo's have an adage that says "when another man's corpse is carried past,it feels like its a log of wood".u wouldnt be sympathetic until u have felt what it feels like.
May God be this woman to direct her paths
@anon,2.26pm,why dont u just shut up and move ur trash elsewhere.person get problem u say make linda no post am?selfish idiot.if she wasnt desperate wld she ask for help?
ehen,madam,as a born again christian,the answer is simple.the bible tells us that a wise woman builds her home and the foolish one plucks it with her own hands.dat means u can shape your marriage,my advise to you is 2 take some time with God,fast if u can,i assume you are breastfeedin,and hear God.He will give you wisdom and show u wat to do.songs of solomon,talks about how ur husband will get entranced with your garden.song of solomon,4v16.pray with the word of God it wrks.im a testimony.God bless you
*Linda, sorry for the long epistle I forgot to add somethings*
Dear, your husband seems to be a bit open with you. I gather that he is the kind of person that takes a bit to respond/or has to do the responding/telling on his own time. You guys have a communication pattern going on and it is a bit faulty because you both did not take the time to understand your individual communication styles.
This incidence is a wake up call for the both of you. He is enjoying the camaraderie that this lady provides. Of all the things he tells you about her, have you picked up on why he enjoys her company so much?
It is really frustrating when one spouse neglects the 80% they have at home for the 20% outside, but this is a common occurrence with men and women.
You feel neglected and unloved and this man is either a cheat or (unless there is more to the story) he is just plain bored. Being bored is not an excuse to seek thrills outside but this is the solution that most people take when faced with boredom in marriage. Both of you are seeking solutions in other avenues instead of facing the issue head-on. You know your marriage and how things got to this point (cause I am sure you guys were happy as pie at some point), both of you need to get back to the good times and get stronger.
I have a story Linda, I have this wedding I am going to attend in September, and I am confused on what to wear. Please Help!!!.. ye, this one na problem too.
my advise for the writer is to pray. Talking to people lifts the burden a bit, but it is only God that can revive the love and bring you close together. Pray and try to be modern. Not every man would give you his password, at least u can see.
Another problem. I didn't read the post...but I can smell issues.
Please am I the only one starting to get irritated by this "Dear LIB" nonsense. You people don't need advice you need a good therapist or better yet a more exciting life cos half of these ppl are just suffering from boredom as in seriously....bloody waste of time.
If you already label your husband as nasty how else would he act to you; Nasty duhhh....abeg waka jor.
I must say you are a good and loyal women that simply wants her marriage to work just like everyone else. You need to start worrying and taking care of yourself (hair done, nails did, everything did) and stop chasing your husband around. Your husband is used to you always having some sort of complaint and quite frankly men don't like that. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying don't talk but their is a way you talk and things you talk about that will get you husbands attention and the conversation going. Oh and your relationship with your husband seems ultra dry..... some sparks would be nice. And if you don't have a job, please find one so at least you'll have something doing.
Your case does not sound pathetic like some people have commented.
Its a case of man needs attention and the man in him seeks it fom outside, maybe cause he has being ignored a couple of times, or some activity in the past has left him to think otherwise.
I must say you have also done well by using the best tool in marriage which is commnunication.
My encouragement is thus; do not stop communicating. Somethings are resolved on the knees (with effectuall and fervent prayer) and thereafter left in the hands of God.
Finally and i would say most importantly a woman's character molds (build) a home. You will need to take a step back to find out what would have caused the change in him. Do i give him enough time as i used to? Have i not actually moved my love to the kids neglecting my husband (a case that normally happens after ladies start given birth)which amount to why vunerable men (even with all the annointing) will fall for advances from other ladies no mater how cheap or difficult they come.
In summary i will say this is not the time to distant yourself from him, this is the time to show more love and attention. The best time to go to the cinema alone, eat out, go to functions alone and all that... God help us all.
My dear friend. Honestly, from your articles , it is obvious that this man really cares about you.He is open enough to tell you things about his friend. From your statement, i suspect 2 things
i. He is getting Bored.
ii. The Complaints/nagging is getting to him.
It is one thing to pray, it is another thing to act on the prayers you are making. I would advise you to do the following...
* Arrange a getway weekend somewhere. And shower love around him. Do something you normally dont do. Handle the expenses...
* Anytime, you have something to complain or nag about. Start with phrases that show warmth and affection. Phrases like "Sweetheart , you know you mean more to me than anyone else. " "Am so blessed to have an handsome man like this in my life ."
Remember, you can complain about things but the TONE really matters. Immediately the tone sounds rude or aggressive, men would creep into "SILENT MODE"
And honestly, the silent mode hurts women.
Don't let anyone deceive, just like any other thing in life. Laws of diminishing returns set in . What i think is going on is just boredom. You have to do somethings to SPARK your relationship up. And please it is not everything you have to complain about o.
Everyone is suggesting prayer...I agree, but as human you have to work while praying. The bible says "Faith without deeds(actions)is dead" I agree with Anon-Oma (thank you so much dear)...you have to go back and rekindle your love life with your husband because what he is looking for outside is not @ home. Take caree of you (first) then ur husband and kids...God bless you darling and goodluck..
Pray and act!
Well the case might not be that serious to be posted on dis blog,but seriously,some people are so dumb in commenting on questions, this blog is for fun n sometimes, something serious. if you cant give a reasonable help comment in this situation, then back off, please dont need to comment.people are getting out of hand on this blog with there comment.Geeezzzzz
i am in a marriage that my husband is very boring in every way except his job , he is very intelligent ,loves his job with a passion , fine bobo But what do we have in common????? apart from reading, small small gist and our daughter , when ever he is home na so so sleep , he hates chinese or continental food , na so so eba, akara ,rice while am opposite i enjoy going out with him he'd rather give me the money and stay indoors , he gives us money to travel on vacation but sees it as a waste of money using his own money to pay for a flight ticket so we all can go on a vacation when he is in abuja where he is stationed , we talk about five times on the phone in a day, as for the sex hmmmm once in a long while , BUT i love him , he is very straight.
Please tell me this is not a problem , i tried talking about it But he says he is okay , is this a mid life crisis .
Hello dear,
1. If Jesus is fully "Lord" over every aspect of your life, then you should indeed know that these issues are strictly between you, your Lord and your Husband...and if ever you were to seek counselling or spiritual guidance, not on a public blog.
2. Lay your complaints at the feet of your Lord, give your husband a little space (from checking emails, snooping on him and I might say generally making mountains out of mole hills) and He'll open up to you >>> If He opened up to you on his fleshly weakness and affinity towards another lady, he can open up to you on anything. Instead of panicking, find that atmosphere and spark that brought such openness and honesty in your marriage.
3. Marriage can work and thrive without cheating, because the Creator of marriage already knows it's ups and downs while creating it, He wouldn't give us impossible standards to live by, and He's already laid down certain principles through which we can fully enjoy marriage on earth....
Go Dig deep into His Word.
EVERYTHING He made is GOOD.
Actually the entire mail is suspicious to me, certain "facts" seem quite stressed almost as if to discourage a certain group of people with certain beliefs, but then I may be wrong...Hope we can all be as wise as serpents.
Anyhow, woman you are blessed!
Cheers.
Why would anyone say this is not worth publishing?? I don't think this lady intended to publish a noble prize worthy story so please let'sespect the fact that although this might not sound like a serious matter to you, or maybe the "gist is not hot enough for you", it is a cause for corcern to this lady. Give your 2 cents or back off!
My thoughts have already been shared by other commentators. God help you.
@miss jay,
you didnt have to read d post...u know?
if it bores u, skip it!
selfish brat!...stick to d posts where u comment on pple's long weaves or bleached skin or wharreva!...
Dear lady, I have been exactly where you are. Except my husband only confessed after I saw his text messages. Oh how many times did I hear "I have nothing to say?" you are not alone. It's not easy I know. God is working trust me. He will vindicate you. Just keep trying your best to keep your home together. God will help you suddenly. But not without humbling him. I've been where you are. When his humbling begins you"ll be the one to pity him and be there for him.
It's ok for people to keep on saying pray. But prayer is ineffective when the person praying does nothing about his or her situation. The writer has hinted that the only time she tries to communicate with her husband is when she wants to sort out "issues" i.e nagging. I am female and I know how annoying a man can get if he nags talk less of hearing that everyday.
Stop pointing fingers at him and take a good, critical look at yourself. Do you still look good? Do you dress to please him? Do you sugggest nights out? Have you read any books on how to make your sexlife better (there's an editorial every saturday in the Punch magazine). You need to stop living for just your children and realise your husband is your companion for life.
Next time you want to talk to him, talk abot something of interest. For him to tell you about the other woman he must either love you or he wants to spite you.
If known of this works then it's time to move on. There is no need to be stuck in a loveless marriage.
Yeah! i heard a friend who got married 31st December 2010. Before then i decided not to call each other often, it worked but b4 i know it, he was already running away from home to spend time with me so we could gist. 3weeks later the marriage crashed.
Don't give your husband that space to go back to someone he must have forgotten.Draw him back Prayerfully, Romantically and don't complain over everything.
I am not married but am talking from experience.
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