'I was a victim of domestic abuse' - Laila St Matthew Daniel | Welcome to Linda Ikeji's Blog

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Wednesday, 24 October 2012

'I was a victim of domestic abuse' - Laila St Matthew Daniel

Laila Saint Matthew Daniel is a life coach, psychologist, executive director of ACTS Generation (an NGO that guards against domestic violence and abuse) and the mother of Funke Kuti. ACTS Generation's annual walk against Domestic Violence and Abuse will hold tomorrow Thursday October 25 2012. They will walk from Ojuelegba through Western Avenue to Teslim Balogun Stadium. Mrs St Matthew Daniel said she started this organization to help victims of domestic violence because she was once a victim.
I was once a victim of domestic abuse. I was involved in an abusive relationship once with my late husband. It’s a situation you never knew or imagined would happen but happened. It actually started with a hot dirty slap.
When it happens, you are shocked, surprised. You don't believe its happening. Apologies are made and you keep hoping things would change. As you're hoping, your self esteem is reducing and people keep asking, why can't she leave? No, it's like a demonic stronghold because it's not that easy. People who batter are charmers. They are very good with words.

You see there is a circle called a circle of violence, the first time, you are shocked and surprised and you keep hoping that he or she would change and as you are hoping your self esteem keeps eroding and going down because you begin to ask yourself questions and wonder if it was you or your fault and when people say you should leave, you say it’s not that easy and I can tell you that the people who are batterers are charmers. They are very good with their mouth and when they beg, you would just forgive them and it’s funny that they actually felt sorry at that time because they seem to be seeing their lifelines in boosting up their self esteem wanting to walk out on them, they would do anything to hold you down.

So, I kept trying for a long time and after a while, I lost myself esteem and literary became a mess. When you begin to look for things that would take your mind off it and if you are lucky, something happens and you begin to reject this abuse and all the begging and apologies don’t work anymore.

But I have healed. I didn’t know but I started healing when I started having a reconciliation with myself and I knew that I’m wonderfully, beautifully and intricately made by God almighty and nobody has the right to violate and abuse me.

59 comments:

Anonymous said...

Well said ma'am. I keep telling people that (men and women).
Once it starts it never stops. Maybe therapy might help but it is really tough and people have to stand up for themselves.

Unknown said...

Thank God you made it through.

Anonymous said...

Liar, liar pants on fire. If only the man can reply her.

Anonymous said...

She married a battering charm (er);)

Anonymous said...

Wow this woman just said my mind. I was once involved in an abusive relationship too but thank God for bringing me through.. Please ladies if they do it once they will do it again! these people like she said are charmers when they've done something bad and they are begging you and crying you just take them back because it is surprising to see a strong man crying for you... Please ladies do not fall victims even before the first incident/ altercation a lot of times there are signs to know that a partner might be abusive..

Unknown said...

Thank GOD she made it amidst all odds.....One more reason we should all stand to defend Africa.

NO MORE YOUTH VICTIMIZATION
NO TO GENDER INEQUALITIES

Every Nigerian Dream(END) is near!

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OYIN said...

WORD!!! Nobody has the right to physically or verbally abuse anyone, we are all equal. I swear if a guy tries hitting me or bringing me down with his words na die oh. I don't even pray for that type of person to come my way. Women should please speak out and fight against it most men are turning into beast. May God help us all...

Anonymous said...

I love dis line.......I’m wonderfully, beautifully and intricately
made by God almighty and nobody has the
right to violate and abuse me.

Unknown said...

Just as I read this the name Frank Edoho kept popping up in my mind...abusers are really charmers and good with words and at showing serious remorse... Girls do not be deceived.

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Anonymous said...

It's could b a terrifying experience! As she rightly said....it starts with a slap****(A HOT DIRTY SLAP)
Linda....pls avail us the contact details of the NGO....plenty people need their help!

Anonymous said...

Shes right,u rily need God to change ur spouse or know when to break free especially if u already have kids... Most women cant even talk about it cos of t'he shame they feel and people who dont understand will just be giving all sorts on advice which they wont necessarily take if t'he tables were turned

Temmy said...

Abusers are real charmers, my ex boyfrd was a charmer, he could do anything for me but when he gave me the 1st slap! Oh boy I saw stars, I cudnt even remember if it was a slap or blow all I knew was I felt blinding pain, I cudnt speak for like one hour I was too shocked, I picked up my bag in the d middle of the night and left...... End of relationship. His mother,sister, brother cousin, inlaws called to beg. Oh he cried, bought wonderful things but I said no people including my own mother thought I was just stubborn but I was not going to ever risk my fine face for one guy to disfigure cos he is prince charming. Fast forward to 3 months i heard he beat his domestic staff silly and she ran away, I fell on my knees and gave God thanks for giving the strength to run away 4rm him. 3-4months later he gets married to a girl he just met some months before in my head I was like hope this girl knows what she has bargained for. As much as we like short dating quick advice 3-6 months is never enough time to know someone.

finest-in-internet said...

Domestic violence is a problem in the African, which we have to face! For this we need victims who have the courage to talk about it. Therefore I think it is good that more women dare to speak out. Thumbs up!

http://www.finest-in-internet.com/

Anonymous said...

God bless you for this, there are so many women that are abused daily both verbal, emotional/psychological abuses trauma are worse because no one sees the marks, and the scars run deep. It goes on , and on and they do not know how to go about it. The self esteem issue is the worst aspect of this. I wish more of these issues will be discussed for people to air their thoughts.

Anonymous said...

Linda, thanks for this, but pls give us her website or blog so that we can visit and get more info; this is because sometimes your LIBers get carried away.

Anonymous said...

Pastor Jean! thank God for your life.please lets try and support the walk!

Anonymous said...

Charmers!!!.They hit u.beg and buy flowers and stuff.Within a week,hit u again
Only u know.forget people he has charmed.Get out as fast as u can.I DID.

Anonymous said...

Linda #Godiswatchinyew#....#Jade Said#

Anonymous said...

Na she sabi.... Why did she not tell us why she ws always battered? Some women are devils dat even d most gentle of men Can't help but beat d hell out of them!

Warri Girl said...

Domestic violence is a terrible thing and the fact is our society doesn't allow most women to come out and share their experience for fear of being stigmatized with having a broken home.

OLA said...

linda you are doing great job

Anonymous said...

Ignoramus,may your wife beat you blue black for not giving her shopping money.

Anonymous said...

Shuttup idiot it obvious ure one of them!

lizzy1270 said...

Am happy that you find a way out of the abuse. its really not a good to thing to be abused by your own man, the father of your children, and i can imagine what will be going on in the mind of your children when such thing is happeing. I have bn abused too, but its takes the grace of GOD before i left the relationship and i thank GOD for my life today.... So many women are going through the same thing these days and most do not know what to do or how to get out of the relationship due to one reason or the other. i live in London and women are bn battered and abused by their men but most of them can get help easily but they are not talking or ready to get help because they were brought to the UK by these men so they tend to tolarate and allow the abuse go on and on until they are killed. i will be happy if a group like this is organized here in london so women can be aware and get help... Linda Ikeji pls help in getting my message across to Laila St Mattew Daniel. i will be happy about it. Many women needs help and we can organized something like dis in UK. You can email me on(marruzr@yahoo.co.uk). i remember a day a have oppotunity to speak to a lady police, she came around to my flat asking me questions about another neighbour that was bitten to coma by the husband, if i heard the woman scream for help. The police said she came asking neighbours because the woman said is not her husband that beat her to coma.she explained to me that so many nigerian women are bn abused and they tend to denied it. she said nigerian women needs help and she hopes that we get the help before it too late.

IGBO GAL said...

Hmmmm,I was a victim...it actually started with verbal abuses,there is nothing my ex doesn't call me,d last of it was dat he suspected I was cheating...these guy beat me silly I almost lost my sight,he said he was going to kill me and kill himself,well after all he knelt in the beach begged and cried,as a Charmer lol!!!kick against domestic violence,african women go thru dis everyday!

Doggy Casino said...

I wonder why men beat women, there are other ways to deal with them like leaving them, ignoring the situation or making all her feminine friends, sister's and cousin's all fair game. If a woman is giving you issues, do the right thing and leave her ASAP. Statistics show that there are 12 women to every men. So, if one is messing up...Just move on and NEVER look back.
A woman that pushes a man to the limit of beating her is a dog and dog's don't change. To all men out there, once you see the signs off a dog in a woman....Please leave ASAP. Only animals result to violence.

Anonymous said...

Exactly dey r always charmers.After hitting you ԃεγ do everything possibble to get u back either with beggin,gifts or hot romance..ThankGod i left on time even till now people still say *you guys lookd so compatible*but ԃεγ werent the ones goin thru the pains,battering,abuse nd molestation..Never take heed to peoples advice wen it comes to takin decisions in situations lyk dat..always remember its your life&YOLO!

Anonymous said...

@anon10.45 thank u so much 4 dis comment.So many women esp d nigerian species dey so stubborn & disrespectful dey need 2 b re-trained thru heavy beating since deir parents no train dem.As 4 me I no dey take shi shi from any woman o

Nomsy said...


Dear Anonymous 10:45am,

Only an ANIMAL in the form of a man would think its right (for whatever reason) to "beat the hell out of" his woman. #EnoughSaid

Anonymous said...

Abeg go smwhere and advertise urself abeggg

Unknown said...

That's a very stupid thing to say! No matter how annoying a woman gets a sensible man never raises his hand on a woman! think of how many times you annoy God; how many times did he choose to destroy you for your unrepentant sins? Didn't he say in his holy book that husbands should love their wives as christ loved the church that he gave his life for her.it goes further to say a man should love his wife like his own skin that he tends,feed and nourish.if a man finds it difficult to batter his own skin why then should he batter his wife? Moreso,if your skin is acne prone would you rather slice it off or would you keep researching and buying latest remedies to cure the acne?if you can be patient with an acne skin why can't you then be patient with the wonderful and fearfully made woman you are blessed to call a wife?

Anonymous said...

Ode oshi! U̶̲̥̅̊ stayed wiv dem, shey?

Anonymous said...

It was Nietzsche, a German philosopher who said ''When dealing with a woman, bring your whip''. Women sometimes are like children, stubborn and misconceiving.

Anonymous said...

U̶̲̥̅̊ r a goat! A man should be able to walk away, he shud ve that self control. So no mata wot she did, there's no reason for beating her. I'm sure U̶̲̥̅̊ a woman beater cuz U̶̲̥̅̊ can't fight ur own mates #tongueout#

Anonymous said...

I know that some women can behave in the most provocative way and at that moment, physical retaliation can seem as the best. Beat her and teach her a lesson she will never forget! But then a cycle of abuse sets in and we can only thank God when we live to tell our stories. Some have not been so lucky. Anybody who dares to support abuse is only doin it cos they are alive and take life for granted. Men, when next she provokes you, try to walk away or even run if u have to. But pls, don't ever hit her! This is a message to all the men out there who aspire to be real men.Thank you!

Anonymous said...

Am so happy there r gals like u who can stand their ground wen dey know sometin's wrong, even saying no to ur mother. Kudos

Anonymous said...

You're just a very big fool! Dat's how dey'll kip on battering u and ur children, oloshi

Anonymous said...

It is true...I was in an abusive relationship too... my wife used to beat me and it eroded my self esteem...She was a charmer too...I finally ran away because these abusers, they never change...Linda abeg tell them!!!

danexd said...

Linda is so obsessed with domestic abuse.
Pls what happens when ur lady has issues with u and u are very angry. Then to avoid the violence, you want to leave to cool off but she locks the door and blocks the way.....what is she inviting? what is she asking for? as a man what are u supposed to do?......am asking all this perfect ladies and linda inclusive

Blogtoto said...

You read my mind,all these women forming innocent n battered.While i do not condone violence esp towards women,as a female myself i think it's important to note that some of us women drive our men crazy beyond reprieve i.e by cheating on our spouses.Pls when we talk about being battered by our significant other let us also speak the whole truth about what we did that led to being hit or slapped.Not all men that lay a finger on females're animals,some of them're just human with sensitivity.

Anonymous said...

You must be very dumb!!!








Anonymous said...

Aunty with this ur kind english u for no put ur face now.Anyway it shows u've liver n can shoot any man down with ur gbagauns

Blogtoto said...

You read my mind,all these women forming innocent n battered.While i do not condone violence esp towards women,as a female myself i think it's important to note that some of us women drive our men crazy beyond reprieve i.e by cheating on our spouses.Pls when we talk about being battered by our significant other let us also speak the whole truth about what we did that led to being hit or slapped.Not all men that lay a finger on females're animals,some of them're just human with sensitivity.

Jungle Justice said...

A lot of d comments here are so on point especially anonymous 9.03. Most pple who turn up to give all sorts of advice to d victim(especially if she is married) really don't care as much as they pretend to and most of them will never take dsame advice they so readily dish out if the tables were turned. Pls ladies remember u have to be alive 1st to remain in a marriage!

Anonymous said...

Oh! You must be a fool..

Angeleyez said...

Most women don't even realise they are in abusive relationships because their mothers, sisters and aunties went through similar experiences, condoned it and tagged it as "normal" or "marriage is not a bed of roses". While I agree that it takes God's grace, patience, endurance, a very short memory to make a marriage work, we as women should realise that there's a thin line between "normal" and "abnormal". No man nor woman has the right to abuse another be it physical, emotional, verbal or otherwise. More emphasis are laid on physical abuse(as it should be) but sometimes words hit harder than punches. A wrong word said can scar a person for life! It is never ok! Even when the silly excuse of "it was only a joke" is raised. Most "jokes" carry some element of seriousness. I pray God gives all those in abusive relationships the grace and courage to speak out and seek help.

Anonymous said...

53% of Domestic abuse victims in the United States are men. I'm certain the statistic is similar around the world. Why do women like feeling like they're the only ones that can be abused? Is it an unconscious acknowledgment of their weakness?

Furthermore, this shameless woman is making this statement when it's impossible for the husband to defend himself. He must be turning in his grave.

Anonymous said...

Good thing you left!

However girl knows what she's getting herself into. He might not have slapped her yet, but there are ALWAYS signs.

3 months is sufficient time to know a person. You can never fully know your spouse, but you would know the basics about them already.

Anonymous said...

Oh shut up! I pray you're a lady and you get your ass slapped around and face punched.

Otherwise, maybe your daughter being used as a punching bag would suffice?

Regardless of the situation, resorting to beating up a fellow human is not the way out. (Man or Woman)

Anonymous said...

Go and tell dat to the mother dat gave birth to u. Stupid man/boy

Anonymous said...

Loooooooooooooool

Anonymous said...

Hahahahahahahaha!

Anonymous said...

I have been a victim of domestic violence myself from a previous relationship. You loose every bit of self esteem as a woman and you begin to accept that it is really your fault why he hits you.
It started with a very hot slap and it carried on for long time with treats on my life. He abused me physically, verbally and emotionally. He apologised, cried and begged on his kness every time it happened.
The first day i stood up to him after 4 years the beatings stopped and i was brave enough to walk out of the relationship after 5 years.
Abuse scars for life, it never stops when it starts the first time. My advise is to get out as fast as you can.

Anonymous said...

Well I'm sure no man will ever stand and watch his father beat his mother. So wat u can't take kindly don't give out.

Anonymous said...

I get appalled when people think that domestic violence has only women as victims. I know a friend who was slapped by his girlfriend when they were dating & he never retaliated. She begged him, he overlooked her shortcomings becos he loved her regardless & they eventually got married. During the union she threatened him with a knife & he still didn't do anything. Then he started discovering some spooky, fetish artifacts she kept in the house & he lost it and they had a fight. He left the marriage and now she's claiming to have been abused domestically. I think it's an insult to people passing through real domestic violence for women who are callous, wicked and fetish to claim that they were abused. Before you attend an "abused" woman's pity party, make sure you get the facts right. By the way, Men who abuse women, should be castrated. Personally, if i see a woman being abused, i would protect her by clobbering the idiot. But what should happen to women who lie about it?

Anonymous said...

I didn't no jean was funke kuti's mum.

Anonymous said...

Abeg tell dem; one binch is using my brodas head and all we can do as a family is pray for him. She is so charming it is Sickening at the same time running round d town sleeping with other men. It breaks my heart not knowing how to help him but God is not asleep

Anonymous said...

Blog toto, u are an eeediot! So when men cheat onus nko?

Anyway you Naija men, get ready. We have been watching CI and snapped. We don dey ready for una.

Touch us naa and see if we no go butcher unaa.

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