The beautiful actress spoke with Stella Dimoko Korkus about her recent marriage break-up
Quite an interesting read...
Tell us why your marriage crashed and what you didn’t do right
Firstly I didn’t plan for what happened to me. Secondly, marriage is a beautiful thing and I have always loved the marriage institution. Right from when I was 18yrs old, I had always wanted to get married; unfortunately I ended up with someone I thought was the right person. I tried all my best to make sure that I stayed put in my marriage even when all the odds were against me. I wanted to stay put in my marriage, carry my shoulders high and act like everything was normal but things went from bad to worse. It was all constant misunderstanding and quarrelling which is normal in every marriage but not being able to sort it out as two mature people, it was just the kind of issues most marriages have but ours just got out of hand and that’s why I am where I am today. You ran out of your marriage. At what point did you decide you couldn’t take it anymore?
Let me tell you the truth, there were signs of violence when we were courting. You know when you fall in love with someone you just met and feel he is the one you want to be with, regardless of both our shortcomings, women we have this tendency of not facing the truth and the harsh reality that this thing can remain and become a problem if you remain with this person. I am a woman who sticks to something once i make up my mind to do it no matter what, which is not very good because you have to place yourself in a place of reason so that when your mother or older ones tell you, something is not good for you, you listen but I didn’t listen saw a bright future with him. i didn’t want to be concerned with his short comings, especially when he gets angry and wants to get violent, I just thought that the maturity that marriage brings would change him but he didn’t change. At a point I wanted to leave 2yrs after we got married but i thought about my family thought about my friends, especially as I was warned to look before leaping, I thought about that and then I thought about myself. I kept thinking how people would look at me if I left the marriage, people were already saying actresses could not keep their marriages considered a lot of things and so I stayed and prayed he would change but it got worse instead, so I began to pray, I wanted God to bless me with a child that would give me joy and maybe bring back some sanity into the marriage. I wanted a child to give me hope and make me stop thinking about the things I could no longer bear. when my baby arrived felt things would change for the better, I thought the cry of a baby in our home would make things better, I thought we would become more mature and concentrate on the baby but this didn’t happen, he didn’t change and I knew deep within me that if things didn’t change I would leave him. Six months ago after we had a very serious altercation I decided to leave.
We hear he was giving your money to other girls.that you both shared a joint account and his girlfriends were enjoying your hardwork and that was part of the problem.
Point of correction, we never shared a joint account. I need to make that clear. The bible says we should be submissive to our husband and that was what I did. His money was my money and mine was his. If he was giving it to his women I didn’t think that was the problem. I didn’t think that was an issue, if there was basic understanding between us, I wouldn’t even know that these were the things he was doing, yes he was paying for girls I heard but if there was love, he wouldn’t even do these things, love covers a multitude of sins my sister. I would have forgiven him and just let it go.Why do you think Segun was beating you so much? Was there something you were doing that made him loose his grip on sanity and beat you?
There are issues he could not deal with and I guess he got his release from beating. At first it used to shock me but later I used to run for cover and I used my child as a shield to stop him but he would beat me and the child mercilessly as well. I never used to talk back at him or provoke him because I knew that would amount to my being beaten and I used to avoid that. Segun got his kicks from beating me and the baby, maybe it was a normal thing to do for him. anyway like I said, it got worse and I ran!
You are now officially single again, how does that make you feel?
Mixed feelings. I am happy that I came out of that marriage with my whole body intact. I didn’t loose an eye, a leg or a hand and my baby is intact as well and nothing happened to her physically or mentally. There are challenges as a single woman, you and I know that. I am satisfied with where I am right now. I am happy with where God has brought me and I am happy I had the strength to walk away from what was happening to me before it was too late to do so.
Now that you are out from this marriage without loosing any body part, how would you want to help people who are going through the same thing you went through but cannot break free because they are not financially or emotionally strong?
Marriage is a very sensitive thing, it is only you, on your own you will just get up and ask God what is this? What happened to me? I used to look at myself in the mirror and say God I am better than this, take me out of this misery, I used to talk to the mirror. I wasn’t myself anymore, I was beginning to believe in the lies the marriage told me. I was telling myself that maybe I wasn’t normal, maybe I was useless, maybe I was mad. So many maybes. I didn’t listen to my mum, my brothers and sisters or my uncle. They allowed me to go in and be happy and make it right but it didn’t turn out right. So on my own nobody told me, I just carry my pikin and run! I cant tell the next person what to do because no marriage is the same. If you are being beaten, molested or whatever just talk to God and apply wisdom. I really want to do something later, maybe a talk show or an NGO, I want to go out there and fight for women who are being molested in their marriages but right now I want to get my act together first.
***
Of everything Monalisa said, what stood out for me the most was - 'There were signs of violence when we were courting'
Signs in courtship! I think a lot of us women live in denial. We see these signs but because of our desperation to marry or maybe because of our 'deep' love for the man, we lie to ourselves. We think marriage or children will change him. You can't change a man. He is what he is. Take it or leave it.
I was in a relationship that was pretty awful and I used to tell myself once we get married everything will change. Then one day my mum said to me - 'If the relationship is bad, marriage will be worse'.
This is something we women need to understand. If he's cheating on you when you are dating, the number of women will increase when you are married! If he's slapping you when you are dating, he will punch you in the face when you are married. Marriage doesn't solve anything. It doesn't necessarily have to get worse, but it doesn't get better either. The 'man' you are dating, is the 'man' you will be married to. You just have to decide whether you can deal with 'who he is' for the rest of your life - or not!
What do you ladies think of what I wrote?
PS. To buttress Monalisa's point... if you are being beaten or molested or whatever, talk to God - on your way out of the door...:-)
17 comments:
Wow. I needed this. I recently ended it with a man I was seeing-just a few days ago actually. MonaLisa's state about how she questioned what was wrong with herself really hit me. I spent several hours last night crying and asking myself the same questions. I am a bit afraid that he will try to convince me to go back. I am really praying to God for the strength to say no and to know that I am never lonely when I have God by my side.
Linda, you are so right! Why stay with someone who is putting you through several things (I have not been molested or beaten) however I have been experiencing things in my relationhip that have lowered my esteem and made me miserable. Where there is smoke there is fire! I see smoke so I chose to run! I just need the strength to stay away!
ok enough rant sha! Wish MonaLisa and her child the best!
Ladies keep faith!
Its quite unfortunate, Monalisa is one of the few actresses that I love, she has managed to stay off scandals for a long while. I hope she gets a man that deserves her.
Domestic violence is definitely unacceptable and you're right Linda. The man will not change after marriage, anything that started from courtship will not change.
First there are two sides to every story. Second, something is fundamentally off about her story.
The part that starts out and troubles me, "At first it used to shock me but later I used to run for cover and I used my child as a shield to stop him but he would beat me and the child mercilessly as well."
I have had the privilege of representing clients in the criminal realm including in criminal juvenile dependency courts which is what Mona Lisa's situation falls under. Even when parents are on crack or there are serious domestic violence issues, once the children start getting physically hit, most call the police or leave.
Here she is sane and yet claims her baby, A BABY, HER BABY was beat mercilessly by her husband and she stayed? In addition, she used the baby as a shield to avoid getting hit, putting the baby in harm's way for her husband to allegedly beat mercilessly?
Something is very off and fishy about her story. A woman would not watch a man beat her baby mercilessly and still be trying to stay it with him. It is one thing to beat her mercilessly but her baby? Also, wouldn't the baby be pretty bruised and even suffer health issues if that happened? I never hear in her interview of having to rush the baby to the hospital for medical treatment as a result of her husband beating her baby mercilessly.
Her story just doesn't add up! It didn't work out. Unfortunately, it is what it is. We move on, learn from the past and make better choices and we definitely do not want to stay when a man as women put our child in harm's way or inflict injuries on our babies.
I just left a physically abusive marriage. He began hitting 3 years ago...I stayed because of what people will say. I took my daughter and left the country 2 months ago. I've never been so free and happy.
Monalisa, use your fame to help women stuck in abusive marriages.
You will get a man who will treat you right.
It is well...just focus on healing yourself and your daughter.
What stuck out to me was she used her baby as a shield. To me if it gets to that point when you start to use your TO LEAVE!!!!
I just read the comments and I completely agree with ladybrille.com. I was feeling for her until I got to the part about using her baby as a shield and I cringed. I have 2 boys and I even protect them from hearing me and husband argue (in fact they have never heard us I save any issues for the night when they are asleep).
Its really disturbing that she said that and says her baby is mentally ok. Domestic violence is a very bad thing and I sympathise with her but her concern should have been about her daughter. i feel she has used that girl to try and solve her marital issues right from conceiving her to help the bad union to using her as a SHIELD. My thinking is if the relation was bad at the start why bring a child into it?
This is heart wrenching, I pray Mona and the child get help and peace and I also pray for her husband too. We don't know the real story so I will leave it alone. I am glad she openly admitted she saw signs during her courtship. That is KEY. Ladies, a child nor marriage will fix a faulty relationship. The dating phase is the dress rehearsal to marriage.
Kudos to you LovinglyLady, don't become a "I saw the signs dur courtship" statistic (as most oingf us women tend to be, when we really look deep down). God will give you the strength not to go back to a nasty situation. Get on with your life, pick up the pieces...get yourself together and better for the gentleman out there for you.
It's so easy to ask why? where? or how?, until you are in her shoes. I cringed when she said she uses her baby as a cover, but there's a possibility. I'm sure she thought maybe he won't hit her if she uses the baby as a cover, unfortunately he still did. When it's happening, the beater is not thinking, and the person receiving it is not thinking either. It's after the situation that, you start coming to your right sense.
There's always two sides to a story. Sometimes, women exaggerate to make themselves look like a victim, so people can feel sorry for them. Bottom line is, she's out, and that's all I care about.
Monalisa made many mistakes in the course of trying to stand up for this man and prove everybody wrong. First, was marrying him. The second was staying on when the beating began. The third was bringing a child into the equation. The fourth was not getting the h*ll out the first time he hit the child.
But somehow, i believe her story. She didn't go "mouthing off" to gain sympathy when her divorce came to light. There is no reason for her to lie or seek attention now. She doesn't strike me as such a person. My dears, marriage is deep and distinct. Only the person in it knows how enjoyable or painful it is. People make poor judgements and act in insane ways when they struggle "alone" to understand and hold on to a failing marriage. She doesn't need/deserve any more beatings - physical or verbal. May it be well with her and us all.
I cant believe the reporter asked if there was something she was doing to make him beat her? Was that reporter serious????????????
No, seriously?????
Something is just NOT right about this lady's story. There were several times when I had to stop and re-read the question she was asked and the answer she gave. I think there needs to be an investigation into this!
@ Ladybrille - I am a counsellor and yes motherly instincts will say 'protect your child' but some women are so low that they will expose their children to horrible crimes.
In some cases, I have seen the abuser end up in prison only because of harm done to the child (the woman will protect the man to the very end but the child is a state's ward) and guess what, when they're released - the mother brings abuser and child back together because of their need for the affection or whatever it is that the man represents in their life.
Money, Immigration, Family - there are too many cases out there but unfortunately not all women will leave when their children are been hit.
God help Monalisa to be strong
She was very candid in her remarks. I too was also disturbed to hear that she used her baby as a sheild. It sounds hard to believe but as she stated during courtship, the warning signs and actions were present. The cycle of violence is one in which the victims are psychologically conditioned over a period of time. So, I'd much rather side with the victim; although there's two sides to every story. This is a sad story and I'm glad she and her baby are safe. May God's peace be with her as she heals during this difficult time.
@ Ladybrille i think she meant that at first she thot the husband wouldnt hit her if she used the baby...thinking he was sane and wouldnt hit his own little girl...at least that is the meaning i derived from that sentence
@all, at the end of the day I am glad she is out of that situation and she and her daughter are safe.
Those who say she was strong to leave are indeed right. Regardless of the facts and however murky it might seem, the fact is, it was an unhealthy relationship and environment for Mona Lisa and especially for her child.
~Uduak
I think that when Monalisa said that she used her baby has a shield she meant, that she used her as an excuse to get away from her husband (such as I have to attend to the baby, or do let our child see what is happening will stop him). She spoke briefly about her experience and could not tell all and my guess is that when one day she did mention one excuse about the child and follow her beat her before her child or even try to touch the child she started asking herself deep questions and ened-up leving. I was in this situation myself and sometimes you think that because your child is around the man will restrained himself (because as you know little children talk frankly)
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