I've never been in an abusive relationship so I really can't say I understand it. You know they say experience is the best teacher and you can't really understand what someone is going through or has been through except you are or have been in their shoes.
I don't understand abuse at all but I try to make sense of it.
I know someone who's in an abusive relationship. Her husband beat her up so bad recently (in public) that I had to call my dad to come intervene. He was hitting her with everything he could find. I couldn't believe what I was watching.
She left his house that day, but about a week later she was back with him. And now, everytime I look at her, I ask myself; why did she come back? Why is she still with him? How do women forgive battery so easily? I wasn't the one battered but everytime I see him, I can't even open my mouth to greet him. I avoid him so much now you'd think he's the devil himself.
But she obviously forgave him. I understand forgiveness but why go back? Especially when he's done it over and over and over again.
No woman enjoys being beat up (except she's sick in the head) so that can't be it. So why do women stay in abusive relationships?
I've been talking to a lot of people about this and a particular writer sent this to me via email...as some of the reasons why women stay in abusive relationships.
1. SURVIVAL: Fear about her own and her children’s safety if she leaves.
2. ECONOMIC DEPENDENCE: Can she survive on one income?
3. FEAR: Of being alone, fear that she cannot cope with home and children by herself.
4. PARENTING: Wanting a father for the children.
5. RELIGION: Pressure to keep the family together.
6. FAMILY: Extended family pressure to keep the family together.
7. LOYALTY: If he had cancer, she’d stick by him.
8. RESCUE: If she stays, she can “save” him and help him “get better.”
9. FEAR OF HIS SUICIDE: He says he’ll kill himself if she leaves.
10. DENIAL: “It’s really not so bad.”
11. LOVE: She loves him, and he is quite often loving and lovable when he’s not being abusive.
12. IDENTITY: Many women feel that they need a man in order to be complete.
13. SHAME, EMBARRASSMENT AND HUMILIATION: She doesn’t want anyone to know.
14. LOW SELF-ESTEEM: After years of being criticized by her abuser, she believes that it must be her fault, she must deserve it, she’ll never find anyone better, “a little love is better than no love at all.”
15 SEX ROLE: “That’s just the way men are.”
2. ECONOMIC DEPENDENCE: Can she survive on one income?
3. FEAR: Of being alone, fear that she cannot cope with home and children by herself.
4. PARENTING: Wanting a father for the children.
5. RELIGION: Pressure to keep the family together.
6. FAMILY: Extended family pressure to keep the family together.
7. LOYALTY: If he had cancer, she’d stick by him.
8. RESCUE: If she stays, she can “save” him and help him “get better.”
9. FEAR OF HIS SUICIDE: He says he’ll kill himself if she leaves.
10. DENIAL: “It’s really not so bad.”
11. LOVE: She loves him, and he is quite often loving and lovable when he’s not being abusive.
12. IDENTITY: Many women feel that they need a man in order to be complete.
13. SHAME, EMBARRASSMENT AND HUMILIATION: She doesn’t want anyone to know.
14. LOW SELF-ESTEEM: After years of being criticized by her abuser, she believes that it must be her fault, she must deserve it, she’ll never find anyone better, “a little love is better than no love at all.”
15 SEX ROLE: “That’s just the way men are.”
What do you guys think? Do you agree with some of these reasons? Why do women tolerate abuse? For those who leave, where do they find the courage? But most important for me is; why do batterers assume they have the right to abuse?
Very intense subject huh?
Let's lighten things up a bit with pictures from new artiste, Mawobe's Video Shoot
Enjoy...
Lexzy Doo in the house
Pix thanks to Mordi Mod!
Let's know what you think about abuse and why women stay.
Cheers.
18 comments:
1st!
Hmm I don't understand the 'Abusive relationshp' thing so i will not comment.
As for the video can see a lot of common faces!
Theodora , Miss Nollywood Uk and some models I met.
why do girls dance sexy with eachother like that ? Sorry not complaining, but I could never do that in a music video I think it would make a female look 'cheap' please everyone else share your opinions.
oooo....never thot i would be first on this blog eve..since this is my first time stopping by..
But oh welll about the abusiveness, hmm i think its demonic o!...A demon of anger is worrying anybody who lays a finger on a woman.
Anyways ur talking of marriage, that one is even better...the one that baffles me the most is when he isnt ur husband, nor fiancee....nothin o...just mere boifrend!
Oh please....unacceptable, for me o...once beaten twice shy..ladies flee from such men o!lol
ahah I cant find my comment:((
Hello Linda, I've been a silent follower of ur blog for a while now but I decided to comment on this topic.
I think the primary reason is FEAR. Fear that she can't do it on her own or that she's nothing without him even though she is financially able to take care of herself.
We humans under-estimate ourselves soooooooo much. If we will just believe in who we are in GOD. That we are not shame, fear, sickness, negativity etc; But that we are Love, peace, joy, health, beauty, positivity, divine abundance and more than conquerors through HIM that loves us, this world would be a better place and we wouldn't have incidences like this occuring.
So many people are prisoners of fear, I once was but I totally set myself free and I thank God.
May God help us make an informed and relevant decisions in our lives.
I was trying to counsel a woman that gets beating up all the tim by her husband to try and seperate for a while, while she tries to get this matter resolved but she wont hear of it cuz she doesnt want to leave her kids.
That's her reason but may God forbid if she dies trying, the kids will move on wont they?
Staying in an abusive relationship for whatever reason appears like sucides to me
being a married woman whose husband doesnt hit her ...i think really the #1 reason women stay is that of neediness...if a man hits u there is such a sense of worthlessness and hopelessness..that u lose anything in u to take any kind of action and u just totally cower in a corner (figuratively)..it is so shameful and so emotionally violating, that u just hang in there hoping u can remedy the situation somehow and bring some semblance of dignity to urself and the situation..
nice post. please visit my blog!
I hope you all atend the V Monologues if ur in Lagos.
It raises awareness about such issues thru theatre and the proceeds go to projects that protect women and girls from abuse.
Linda its not just women. Imagine a mother that would not even leave if her daughter was suffering abuse.
For more details pls check out my blog. www.pdbraide.blogspot.com
Linda I should have given you the poster to put up on ur blog but no be small illness done catch me recently.
Keep up the great work.
Pam
people STAY IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS BECAUSE THEY ARE AFRAID.
FEAR.
1. afraid that THEY DON'T DESERVE BETTER.
2. Afraid that THEY DON'T HAVE AN OPTION.
3. Afraid to believe that LOVE should be better than what they're getting
it is FEAR that cripples THEM from MOVING and thus they STAY.
it is a MENTAL battle that regardless of what outsiders say? THEY (the abused) have to feel it in the inside to WAKE UP.
and sadly enough, not alot of them do. Some stay till they DIE.
that is why it is important for us to educate our gurls, raise their self esteem so they know their worth.
esp. since our african society encourages men to carry on with their abusive tendencies.
Linda, the other reason you did not mention was fear of BLACKMAIL.
In the case of R v CB, a US publication Star Magazine claims the singer fears her estranged boyfriend CHRIS BROWN could release a steamy home video the couple allegedly made together.
A source said: “They’ve had tons of crazy nights in bed, and Chris has recorded many of them...They both have very kinky sides.”
It's also claimed that Rihanna enjoys role-playing and dressing up as a dominatrix and that she is allegedly worried Chris could put the footage out there for the world to see.
The source went on to say: "Rihanna has no issues with her sexuality. But she'd be mortified if her friends and family found this out!
"This whole beating incident is terribly humiliating for her. She's already traumatized and will do anything to make it all go away as quickly as possible.
“The last thing in the world Rihanna wants is to see herself in the sex videos all over the Internet! She’s an intensely private person.”
You she what people can do in the name of love, as if the experience of people like Britney is not enough to teach her some lessons.
-Spora.
Nice read. Good to see you back to what you're best at - insightful articles; not all tose loads of boring pictures that have been dominating your blog recently
Hey y'all,
I'm going to throw in my fifty-cents on the "abusive relationship" thingy...from the point of view of an abused person.
Why do we stay or go back when we manage to leave?Well,all of the above reasons are correct.But most importantly,there is NO support group for such women.A woman gets the courage to leave with her kids and what does she get?Ridicule,contempt and and blame for the failure of her marriage.The Nigerian police refuse to get involved if she comes to them saying it is a family matter.No lawyer will take her case(aside from FIDA).She faces the loss of her kids because "they" say that the kids belong to the man.Is it any wonder then,that with all the odds against her,she has to go back?Afterall,half-bread is better than chin chin,abi?
But the loss of any sense of self-worth is the main reason why she will stay because the abuser has demoralzed and dehumanised her to the point where she ACTUALLY believes that she deserves to be treated like filth.
Guess what,people!This situation is not going to change.Not now,not ever!!Because,we live in a society that not only condones but even encourages men to hit their women.All we can do is to raise our children right..our sons to respect and revere women and our daughter to not accept this as a way of life.In the meantime,like the judge would say to one condenmed to death,"May God have mercy on our souls!!!"
I am doing research for my university paper, thanks for your excellent points, now I am acting on a sudden impulse.
- Laura
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Your just there for d sake of your children . .it happened to me.
Its a pity wht we women hv to go thru. I m in for my kids nd for fear of d world's ridicule. I knw i wont b allowed to leave with d kids nd i cnt imagine life without them. I v bn physically abusd twice in 6 yrs bt d verbal abuse is a constant thing. I begin to empathasize with dos poor women who r driven to extreme acts of depravity like murder.May God help us.
Hello linda
Hello Linda
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