Very interesting! A Letter To My Future Husband - by LIB reader | Welcome to Linda Ikeji's Blog

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Thursday, 26 February 2015

Very interesting! A Letter To My Future Husband - by LIB reader

Whoever will be this lady's future husband, you better read this letter...lol. It's titled - Letter to my Future Husband; Suicide, Not Murder - by Joy Oforka. Quite interesting & alarming. Read below...
Dear Future Husband, There is something about me you must never forget: I am not in any way irresponsible. As a daughter, my parents never worried when they left me alone with my younger siblings. As a girl, the windows were never dusty, dirty plates did not sit in the kitchen till the next meal and I didn't burn my chicken or plantain. As a student, I never blamed a C grade on the lecturer without asking myself if I truly deserved it.
As a graduate, I never blamed my unemployment on the economy knowing that same economy had royalties who were not so by blood. As a friend, I don't transfer the blame for any quarrel without humbly accepting my own fault in it. As a lady, I make my own money, spend on well-defined priorities and never wake up in a random man's room at noon hungover.

And so you will see, dear husband, that I am very meticulous and do well to take responsibility for my actions and inactions. You may not have sensed that tinge of an extremist but I am very sorry to inform you that I fear that I could be, not always, mind you, an extremist and it is that extremist me I write to explain to you. I will go out of my way to please you. I could become a partner when you need a helpmate, a nanny for a mother, a loyalist for a friend, a servant for a housewife, a whore for a lover.

I could choke you with the love I have harboured in my heart for years (even without knowing you) but be rest assured that I would always give you mouth-to-mouth kisses to resuscitate you if you be overwhelmed. I would be such a good wife that even hell will attest I deserve a good husband. A good husband...that would only be fair. I do not demand you be an extremist husband. Oh no. Just be a good husband. Simple. In case you think "good husband" too ambiguous a description, do consider the following illustration. You can get angry and yap and yell at me - I'm human, not perfect - but never you raise a finger to hit me.

We can go to the zoo or game reserves as much as you please to see wild animals but we don't need one at home. You can chivalrously compliment beautiful ladies - I don't kid myself to be Miss World - but don't you ever, in the slightest way, defy our conjugal bond. You can raise our children with laws and acts or even flexible decrees you deem fit - they'll be yours as they'll be mine - but never let the devil put ideas of any form of harassment in your nice big head. You can have your carefully chosen flaws - "My angel" is your pet name but your nature is still human - but, I pray you, choose them well. There are many hazards of a bad husband but I hope these ones mentioned illustrate a perfect picture.

The thing is, dearest husband, if you do any of those things I pray and have begged against, the responsible me would weep in search of my fault in it. Should she find none (as is likely), my extremist alter ego will respond promptly. On a good day, she will put an ingredient in your tea that will make you sleep deeply for her to carry you to our matrimonial bed. By the time you wake, you will be so weak that even your loudest scream would be no more audible than the faintest whisper. Because she is my alter ego, I cannot say what would happen after you wake.

What I can say is she will not fail to teach you that there are certain punishments worse than death. I hope it never comes to that. I deeply pray it doesn't come to that. But if you ever see my alter ego and her extremism hastens your death, then it means you were all at once blind, dumb and deaf to this prayerful letter. Such death, my dearest, cannot be termed murder but suicide.

With love, Your Future Wife.

168 comments:

www.glowyshoes.com said...

Nice

www.glowyshoe.blogspot.com

Davido's driver said...

You get work oo


@lwkmd_naija

AbokiDaWarriBoy said...

Lol... ladies HelpYourSelf

DATSHAPIBOBOY said...

The 1st initial of God is G same with that of Goodluck. Also the 1st initial of Jesus is J same with that of Jonathan/Jumouke. Again, the 1st Initial of Emmanuel is E same with Ebele. This does not in any way equal GEJ with God as He is Almighty and his glory will He not share with any. 

The 1st initial of Mohammed is M same with that of Muhamadu. Also, the 1st initial of Boko Haram is B same with Buhari. 

Davido's driver said...

Why dint she drop her contact tho miss desperate

@lwkmd_naija

Anonymous said...

DS KNDA PIX SEF DEY FUTURE HUSBY WILL SURELY FIND ITS SQUARE ROOT B4 TYM....TOMJERRYSWIT

obiora said...

Seen.

WizzyEsq said...

seen





commenting 4rm d
TEMPLE OF JUSTICE EQUITY N GOOD CONSCIENCE

Unknown said...

Well composed letter...
Thumbs up to dis LIB reader.

WizzyEsq said...

seen





commenting 4rm d
TEMPLE OF JUSTICE EQUITY N GOOD CONSCIENCE

Unknown said...

Akuko uwa

Unknown said...

Really "quite interesting & alarming"...
I love d write up.

BONARIO NNAGS said...

"I will go out of my way to please you" that's all I'm about dear.

~BONARIO~says so via NOKIA LUMIA

Anonymous said...

I so can't get married to such lady after dis letter cos death is close then...looolzz


Akp21

gbemi said...

shege! be very afraid!

Unknown said...

The Imagination of a future wife! Nice write up. Keep it up.

DATSHAPIBOBOY said...

The 1st initial of God is G same with that of Goodluck. Also the 1st initial of Jesus is J same with that of Jonathan/Jumouke. Again, the 1st Initial of Emmanuel is E same with Ebele. This does not in any way equal GEJ with God as He is Almighty and his glory will He not share with any. 

The 1st initial of Mohammed is M same with that of Muhamadu. Also, the 1st initial of Boko Haram is B same with Buhari. 

Unknown said...

Wow cool stuff, all the future husband's this is for you. Listen to wise words

Anonymous said...

see me here na, come take me
.wao datz lovely

Unknown said...

The imagination of a future wife! Nice write up.. keep it up.

Anonymous said...

This is a Beyoncé kinda person...

Anonymous said...

Earn a income as a youth click http://onlineyouthjob.com/?user=20087 to register

Anonymous said...

Wow.......
Duchess_gloria

NMaa said...

Hahahahahaha.

Anonymous said...

Wow....... Dts al i can say
Duchess_gloria

Unknown said...

That's an interesting write up. Future hubby now over to you to meet the vicious woman......good luck lady in your search for the good husband


::::::::::::::::::::::::::::QUEENMAYA::::::::::::::::::::

ELENA (HER MAJESTY) said...

Hahaha this cracked me up

A good piece and nicely written

Anonymous said...

Ok my future wife i don hear and i'll be back to reply you.

Unknown said...

I can't start reading this long story
Since am not your future husband

Unknown said...

Lol.cool letter

Bonita Bislam said...

Wow! I'm enthralled by her commandments.Not even the one Moses gave was as sweet & bitter as this.Your alter ego is one hell of a nutcase lol

Unknown said...

Lord God! Ds is mad. Me lyky jare

Unknown said...

Very alarming

Anonymous said...

Creepy AF

Unknown said...

Oh God! Give us (single ladies) a husband that has the your grace of not cheating..amen.
Future wife,pray this prayer cos cheating is a way of life for Nigerian men,it doesn't mean dey love their wife less.

Unknown said...

Nice one

Anonymous said...

Beautiful Piece

Anonymous said...

Lindaaaa wow I love this! This guy's need to be reminded.

Anonymous said...

well written piece.....love it....but not the hibernating psycho behind the article. Nice write up lady whoever you are.

Unknown said...

Linda pls who"s dis future wife?I hope ur not the one?but most Naija men deserve a taste of her alter ego venom

opustjkwrites.blogspot.com said...

rotfl... u wnt aboki to come n heap insults under ur comment abi? lol


NIGHT TIME
She woke up with a lurch. It was dark, pitch black. Her head ached and there was a buzz in her ears. She tried to sit up, and banged her head against something really hard, right in front of her face. Her head ached even harder. Using her hands, she felt around her and concluded that she was in a wodden box of some sort. She felt the pockets on her shorts , that was when she realized that she was naked. She struggled to breathe, it was so hot in the coffin. “NO, not coffin,box” she couldn’t bear to think that she had been buried alive. She was weak… Then she remembered Manny. The last thing she remembered was walking many at the park. Manny is her aunt’s lhasa dog. She remembered being dragged from behind, and a foul tasting cloth stuck inside her mouth. That was all she remembered. She needed to get out of here. She raised her knee, and hit the lid of the box, until her knee bled.
She could feel it giving way, after about fifteen minutes of trying. The wood was obviously rotting. She hit harder until she created a hole. No sand pouring in, was a good sign. She wasn’t under the ground….YET. Thirty minutes later, she had pulled her way out of the rotting box, and found herself in the middle of nowhere. She slowly got to her feet, and all her joints cried out in pain. She had scraped her knees so badly, and she could feel the stickiness of blood beginning to clot on her knees and elbows. She needed to get as far away as she could, before her abductors returned. It was very dark, and a repulsive stench assaulted her nostrils. She took a step forward, tripped and fell to the ground. Her hand came in contact with something soft and she felt decaying flesh. She shrieked when she realized that it was a rotting corpse she had tripped on. She crawled away and from it, and felt yet another. So she stood up and ran away in no particular direction. She saw a glimmer ahead of her, and she ran towards it, she came out of the cave, and could see the sky. There was hardly any stars and so it was still very dark. continue reading


Anonymous said...

Wow! I love this! Such a good read. She's indeed a scholar and very creative.so future husband be careful not to provoke her alter ego...joy oforka keep doing what u do coz u r good!

***DOPE_DIVA***

Anonymous said...

hahahaha eeee, d most sensible letter ve ever read. pls future husband beware, u dnt want to be cut up in a womans web

NaijaDeltaBabe said...

Kaabo. Next biko

Unknown said...

a.k.a EDWIN CHINEDU AZUBUKO said...
.
Is obvious that this babe has been serching for me though....
.
.
***CURRENTLY IN JUPITER***

ebonyz... said...

Cool write up. I hope her future husband gets to read this

yawanow said...

wow. An applaud.
Simply depicts "hell has no fury than a woman's scorned".
Love the write up.

Unknown said...

O my God. Is my twin out there???? This letter is like something I would write. It's perfect. Break my heart and you won't bleed when I kill you.

Unknown said...

well composed
nice write up, just a write up anyway...easier said than done




#Commenting thru Glo 4G LTE

Miss Port Harcourt said...

Wawu! What a write up....am glad you wrote that yourself. I love this letter, it's applicable to my future hubby. I also love "Letter From Abraham Lincoln To His Son's Teacher".

Unknown said...

But you might learn something. After all a fellow woman wrote it.

Unknown said...

I cnt help masef buh read n re-read dis letter.To be forewarned is 2 be forearmed.Suicide nt murda.lolz!

Anonymous said...

And this perfectly describes me especially the animal part...I don't know what I have against animals... Anything other than a goldfish is a no-no.

Zamani said...

Cool. You will find your mate soon. Please visit rellaidiovo.blogspot.com

Unknown said...

She's not serious, make she keep the letter for the future hubby & hope it won't scare him away. Linda take note!

Unknown said...

Am impressed, so impressed that i have to drop a comment for the first time. Please i dont mind being her future husband. lol

Unknown said...

She's not serious, make she keep the letter for the future hubby & hope it won't scare him away. Linda take note!

juliet said...

I love dis..lol..beware all u cheaters...

Unknown said...

She's not serious, make she keep the letter for the future hubby & hope it won't scare him away. Linda take note!

Unknown said...

She's not serious, make she keep the letter for the future hubby & hope it won't scare him away. Linda take note!

Unknown said...

Hehehehe k o!

Unknown said...

Ermmmmmm....OK,goodluck finding d man u desire *side eyes*

Anonymous said...

#SEBEE BY SOSSI DROPS 1st of March #undull

Anonymous Personified said...

Well spelt out.
Future hubby, pls keep off if you are Mike Tyson.
Lol

Unknown said...

Eeeeeiii!!! future hubby, u must be on alert oooo. Makes sense tho, witty n great write up.

Funmi said...

This is so funny! I could literally not help LOL'ing! At work!

Unknown said...

Nyc 1

PRAYER said...

Hehehehehehehehehehehehehe........... I totally concurr.



The picture though..... Scary. Let me also add that i see a nipple. Isn't that a wardrobe malfunction? If that's the real picture of the writer, believe me when i say she will die lonely. hahahahaha

Anonymous said...

Take it easy madam! Lindz, are you sure this isn't you?!

Juleslouis said...

Lmao! Wow. So if he frustrates her, he's a goner. Nice!

Kponskii said...

I was almost loving u until the part where u introduced ur alter ego. May our paths never cross.lol!

Unknown said...

Hehehehe The question is, do you intend to get married to a Nigerian guy, if yes sorry bae by d time u av taken half of Nigerian guys to ur alter ego and extremism, only you will come back and re- write this letter. (nice write up tho)

Anonymous said...

You are not a wife, but a would be killer, no wonder you wrote anonymously. Guys run.

Unknown said...

Well Articulated. Hope she is what she claim in the Letter. Wouldn't mind becoming Best of Friends with her. Bae is Intelligent.

Anonymous said...

You are not a wife, but a would be killer, no wonder you wrote anonymously. Guys run.

Subomi said...

sick sick sick lady

Jossy said...

Surprisingly, I love this write up...scary tho!

Unknown said...

Well written, future husband pls take note

Unknown said...

Well written, future husband pls take note

Unknown said...

Best article I've read so far from an LIB reader! Very well written, unlike those jargons some people send to Linda like that attention-seeking-article "I'm in love with Davido but I'm engaged to someone else" trash!
Whoever wrote this should consider writing a book seriously.

Unknown said...

Well written, future husband pls take note

Anonymous said...

Men that cheat do not love their wives enough my dear, it also goes for cheating women. I will marry a faithful man and be a faithful wife ----C21

Jayque said...

Ur simply gud future wife. Am so glad dt u already kw wat u want so whoever dt ll choose to d future husband can start adjusting immediately. I will find wat u r looking for

Unknown said...

Just as I will go out of my way to pls lily. Lily abeg take french kiss.

Anonymous said...

she is not ready to marry. she is not african

Sonatey said...

This is gangster,Totally interesting! I feel what she feels. Being really good all your life, keeping yourself for one amazing man....One sure deserves a 'good man'

4nkylization said...

Next pls

Anonymous said...

Damn.... that's deep "there are punishment worse than death"

ary said...

PSYCHO ALERT!!!! She'd better be kidding with this letter cos this bordering on the psychotic!!!! No pets? Alter egos and drugging?!! Jeez woman, after reading this, only a brave man will propose!

Anonymous said...

Proud of you oforka Joy
You wrote well
Joyoforka@gmail.com

Unknown said...

Amvery interested in this lady linda ikeji please try to hook us up abeg

Anonymous said...

Ummmm! Ok,we'll see about that.

Damola Gbadegesin said...

Ha! This write up get as e be ooo. Nice and scary. Am not in support of this deadly alter ego and extremism pls.God forbid!

Unknown said...

LMAOoooo

Anonymous said...

Yes

Anonymous said...

I am proud to say she is ma girl and I love her. Joy gal, you are simply gifted and amazing and a big part of ma inspiration. Kudos girl...DOS...lol

Anonymous said...

This is pretty funny and hilarious!! Nice letter. Writing mine

Unknown said...

wow!!!what a poetic message,a lady with such a heart deserve the best.

prettiyz said...

Oh am also praying for this man not to commit any of the things mentioned above bcos I hate burial

Theophilus Elamah said...

Nivce piece though. I'm expecting the male version of 'A LETTER TO MY FUTURE WIFE'. Linda pls give us that one o.

Anonymous said...

PLEASE CONVERT THIS YOUR LETTER TO YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND INTO AN MOU. A GOOD LAWYER WILL HELP YOU PERFECT IT, SO YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND WOULD SIGN ON YOUR WEDDING DAY.

Unknown said...

Boring letter

Unknown said...

Nicely written.
I hope when you enter into marriage, it doesn't change you!

Baby P said...

Lol

Unknown said...

very funny..goodluck..ur husband is not in our planet maybe u search pluto...............................#6God

Unknown said...

Correct Girl!!!! "...this death cannot be termed murder but suicide" she kelt it there!!!!

Unknown said...

A woman with her mind and nature deserves a husband like me. But can our path cross one day before I find 'Mrs me'?That is left for fate to decide.

Unknown said...

That's an interesting write up. Future hubby now over to you to meet the vicious woman......good luck lady in your search for the good husband all good things come to those who desire them!!!!JC

Tochini Beads and Bridals,Lagos said...

Ok na..

Unknown said...

bravo!!!

NDIDIAMAKA said...

HUMMMMMMM NICE LETTER

Unknown said...

It seems this lady did literature in school. Nice work lady I hope ur feature husbands reads it. But wait, he is only human. U or him can make mistakes.

Unknown said...

it's art, it's poetry its a beautiful flow of words. She doesn't obviously mean she will kill a bad husband if she happens to marry one. Sometimes we think things we can never do, and that makes for the best composition ever. I love this..


visit www.naijalike.com for laughs!!

Unknown said...

Interesting

Order for your beautiful bedspread @ 79AEFD3B. Delivery available nationwide.

Unknown said...

Wawu! That's a new coinage. Thumbs up.

Unknown said...

Nice writeup

Mosiwomeka said...

Next

Ebere said...

nicely said.i enjoyed reading

Chioma said...

lol, melone.chioma.blogspot.com

@MEETD®EALEVANS™ said...

Okay we don read am, item 7 pls...

Unknown said...

Lol

GALORE said...

This kind man who can find?


Even this kind woman who can find?



Let God choose for us all...by giving us our bone



Marriage ds days... With the thing wen person dey read and hear dey fear person.....


Baba God na ur hand I dey o




Nice write up tho.






@Galore

GALORE said...

Ur head dey dear


U too sharp






@Galore

LA' SUNSHINE said...

Wish u all the best in finding that perfect man..

Unknown said...

Aunty Linda, I Hail Thee!! Na Your Way!!

Anonymous said...

very nice. Brilliant and she sound truthful.

Anonymous said...

@DATSHAPIBOBOY stop this blasphemy... How can you compare your clueless, directionless GEJ with God and Jesus?

#ISpeakYourConscience said...

Long hiss.. Dear Joy Oforka, 1st get the husband before u talk marriage or what u ll do or won't, k? Miss perfect or extremist as she puts it. Hiss. Best of luck in your search for Mr right.

uwa said...

Is not her fault, she've enough time on her hands . siddon there dey rant because your V V is made of gold.

Cherilyn said...

well said, i concour and agree with you so help you God

Anonymous said...

Every woman knows that nothing is as painful to a woman than to end up with a wife- beating/cheating husband. Research has shown that most wife beaters are serial cheaters. But this alter ego though...

Anonymous said...

hmmmm nice 1

Unknown said...

Nice write up, I love....

Cherilyn said...

well said, i concour and agree with you so help you God

Anonymous said...

Thank God say I don marry better woman. I pity most single guys and ladies too. See hassle!!! She's already wound up and he doesn't know what he's getting into.

Anonymous said...

wow!!!!! very well written!!! amazing write up. kudos to the writer. people take note, she did not say she will deal with him, if he frustrates her. However, there are some core things, such as cheating, that if she catches him doing, death would be a much sweeter punishment. Honestly Nigerian men need wives like this. Cheating has become the status quo and we Nigerian women have learnt to accept this plight even before we marry (sadly). we need more women to speak against cheating.

Unknown said...

Na murder letter be this one ooo....lol

Ma Fla said...

Me like it!

Unknown said...

Wow! Pls click.
http://payfunda.biz/usrlink/?share=victorial

Donald said...

Our very own "Gone girl" you seem to have everything pretty much planned out. Oh well..

Unknown said...

Very well written

Sonipinky said...

U sabi book jare...n dat letter is on point!

Anonymous said...

Am so in love with this write up and this is so me. The Phrase "Alter Ego" killed it for me. Like I will always say "See no Evil, Hear no Evil" that keeps you going.

Anonymous said...

How are we so sure dis is nt ur letter linda.... Lol

abujakenneth said...

The lady is a Calabar girl

abujakenneth said...

If you show all these love and threatened me with death, all the love has neutralised,

Anonymous said...

Y wld u, cos u plan to cheat n ur wife to b docile abt it....mumu

Anonymous said...

Bcos d only thing ur eye cn c is d label of red super mirelle weave

True talk said...

Is this why the guy hasn't shown up all these while??

Anonymous said...

I simply love this.....future husband take note!

Anonymous said...

Scorpio girl.

Anonymous said...

Even her natural person is not very healthy. You can't bring this much rules to marriage and expect it to succeed, marriage is a learning institution for both parties. Future husband needs Usain Bolts legs to carry him as fast as possible.

Lucky Lu said...

Okay so you have officially told us you saw the Gone Girl movie.
You go girl
carry go.


***Doing da shmoney dance***

Anonymous said...

My favourite piece ... "Such death, my dearest, cannot be termed murder but suicide".

Good write up. Well done.

Unknown said...

Cool..i read everytin.nice one

thegirlyouwant said...

A little creepy...... Love it

Anonymous said...

girl this is nice

Botto said...

She's Crazy...... Reminds me of "Gone Girl"

Unknown said...

Very nice one

Anonymous said...

A good write up for a future husband, what is the probability that the future hubby is a LIB reader???

Anonymous said...

Wonderful prose. Plagiarism, perhaps?

Anonymous said...

I love d write up. Love d use of words n d fact that d future husband just can't try shit

Unknown said...

Choke you with love... I was enjoying that part till the the alter ego soprice me... well said bae

Unknown said...

Well.... I know what my mum did to my dad so I understand and agree.
I pray you find a man that will treat you right.
Your wishes, likes and dislikes are understandable and very moderate.
Do not fail to enjoy your life weather with man or no man and practice what you preach.
Peace... Much Love and I hope to be your Future Husband.
Kelvin.

Unknown said...

Very hilarious...... But again, very doable....

Anonymous said...

Loooool, so hilarious!!!!!!

Nicely put.... Future husband be warned!!!

Anonymous said...

I love this

Unknown said...

So who is d lucky man?

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