Joan Rivers funeral wish - Valentino, Beyonce's hair, Meryl Streep crying | Welcome to Linda Ikeji's Blog

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Thursday, 4 September 2014

Joan Rivers funeral wish - Valentino, Beyonce's hair, Meryl Streep crying

Above is Joan River's funeral requests written in her 2012 book, I Hate Everyone...Starting With Me. Meanwhile it's been revealed that her funeral will take place on Sunday September 7th at the Temple Emanu-El in New York. See some more memorable quotes from the book after the cut...

  
On what she wants for her own funeral
"When I die, I want my funeral to be a huge showbiz affair with lights, cameras, action...I want Craft services, I want paparazzi and I want publicists making a scene! I want it to be Hollywood all the way. I don't want some rabbi rambling on;

I want Meryl Streep crying, in five different accents. I don't want a eulogy; I want Bobby Vinton to pick up my head and sing "Mr. Lonely." I want to look gorgeous, better dead than I do alive. I want to be buried in a Valentino gown and I want Harry Winston to make me a toe tag. And I want a wind machine so that even in the casket my hair is blowing just like Beyoncé's."

On obituaries

"I love the obituaries. To me, obituaries are just wedding announcements without the pictures. I read the obituaries carefully, the way Lindsay Lohan reads her Miranda rights."

On people who die of natural causes

"I hate people who die of natural causes; they just don't understand the moment. It's the grand finale, act three, the eleven o'clock number — make it count. If you're going to die, die interesting! Is there anything worse than a boring death? I think not. When my time comes I'm going to go out in highs type. I have no intention of being sick or lingering or dragging on and on and boring everyone I know. I have no intention of coughing and wheezing for months on end. One morning you'll wake up and read a headline: Joan Rivers Found Dead...On George Clooney's Face. Clooney Was So Bereft All He Could Say Was, 'Xjfhfyrnem.'"

On funerals

"I love funerals! To me a funeral is just a red carpet show for dead people. It's a chance for mourners from all walks of life to accessorize basic black, and to make a fashion statement that is bold enough to draw attention away from the bereaved but subtle enough so that no one knows that it's happening. And, it's a great way to have quiet fun."

On people who offer condolences

"I hate people who try to make you feel better. Like the neighbor who says, 'Don't forget, the first part of 'funeral' is 'fun!' Or the minister who says, 'He's in a better place now.' I'm tempted to yell out, 'No he's not. He had a house in the Hamptons. What's wrong with you?""

On the pick-up scene at funerals

"As I get older, I'm going to a lot more funerals, and let me tell you something, it's a great pick-up scene. A graveside funeral is live eHarmony for the bereaved."

192 comments:

Olaronke kristiane said...

RIP mama Joan

olubukola luro said...

Hmmmm na wa oooo.....wud surely miss her bad mouth and yabbings

Alloy Chikezie said...

May his soul rest in peace


Your comment will be visible after approval

BONARIO NNAGS said...

She said many stuffs, wonder how the people of Gaza will remember her.
As for me I will try to remember her for the times she made me laugh.
Continue to rest Joan.

~BONARIO~says so via NOKIA LUMIA

Gbemi Orims said...

even in her death she continues to make us laugh. RIP to the most big mouthed, sarcastic, funniest 81 yr Old ever!

Anonymous said...

Life z a mystery!!! The more we try to understand it the more it complicated!!!


Breezy_p via MTN

Anonymous said...

well i hope dey grant her her dying wishes.. RIP joan, d world would miss ur horrible mouth

viola obiajulu said...

Hmm RiIP J

halliday said...

Ohhhh noooo!!*sadface*

Gloria Essien said...

Yeah, she didn't die boring.

chukukere chikaodi said...

She must have died a happy woman. *i guess.

N and N said...

Rip my icon

Mo said...

She was just amazing. She lived a great life filled with fun and laughter. I hope they grant most of her wishes

g-gal said...

She got her wish. Be careful what u wish for people.

Anonymous said...

she got to that age when it becomes comfortable to talk and discuss death

viola obiajulu said...

Was born in 1933, queen bae 33, bae born in 1981 Joan dies at 81, queen bday is today wants her hair like queen bae, last tweet about queen bae. what a great coincidence. R.I.P. Tho

Jerry said...

Ehya. R.I.P

Bonita Bislam said...

I couldn't help laughing out loud at her wishes.She was really a comedian.She. Understood the mystery of death lolz.I hope she'll be there to supervise and see this epic burial as it unfolds.Rest on ma'am!

T~Beauty Brush said...

What a strong woman she was. Very energetic and vibrant in spite her Age. You live on Joan...I'll miss you and your show terribly!

faith albert said...

Rip joan

ed DREAMZ said...

a.k.a EDWIN CHINEDU AZUBUKO said...
.
This lady must really love beyonce..... May her soul R.I.P....
.
.
***CURRENTLY IN JUPITER***

Anonymous said...

RIP Joan we will miss you. Fashion police will never be same again.

#Thatenuguchick

Anonymous said...

R.I.P

Anonymous said...

LLike seriously?!! Just too mch writeup about death in one book. Was she lookin forward to it...N.K.O

emeraldchic said...

I just love this woman. Even in death,no dull moment for her.She lived a glamorous life and wanted a glamorous death/burial as well. Life is too short for one to be dulling.Live everyday like it is your life.Find that one thing that makes you happy and try to do and make sure you accomplish something very significant before you die so people will always remember you for that. Above all,make people around you laugh and happy-This is just the way i see life

Shoutozone said...

Dat woman is sure one hell of a being. Why wuld som1 write like dis abt her funeral?

Anonymous said...

She ws a sick ass bitch!she aint gat an idea wht she gon' meet there!trust me is no joke.H3ych

Anonymous said...

Beyonce shares cute photo from her childhood as she celebrates her 33rd birthday

Anonymous said...

Omg''' awwwww''' your just one piece of a human'.......love u always ''

PAVOUR said...

Life. Imagine. Pray she is well buried

breal said...

wow! this is so hilarious. I'm so gonna miss her. RIP #@joanrivers

christie benjamin said...

I don't if I shld cry or scream or shout..#tearsdrop# she's d reason I always smile on fashion police show. May her soul R.I.P. #####QUEENMAYA#####

helle russel said...

Hmmmmmn!i comment my reserve.

ella john said...

Even before her death she's has prepared herself waiting for the moment when it comes.she's brave.
Face of lib

Anonymous said...

Joan is hilarious even in death. Ironically today is Beyonce's birthday and she died on her day. So I guess Beyonce will honor her wish by giving up her hair stylist to style her as she wished.

jessimor said...

Hmmmmmm what a wish,may greatest wish when am gone is to be seated in God's presence and heaven,my home at least,fame will take me nowhere and may her soul rest in peace.

Anonymous said...

Crazy woman!!!

Anonymous said...

r.i.p Joan.....i pray u will also meet hollywood in the land of the dead #smh

lade said...

Lol even if she's mean I still love joan rivers..I just stop watching fashion police..it will be dead boring now

celine nkechi said...

Na woah, this woman is really a comedian.

Bella said...

This just made me laugh so hard with tears running down my face.
Mixed feeling
Tears of ...I don't knw jst tears.
Am so sad I need bereavement leave

Anonymous said...

#RIP# she was a natural.....so much talent...comedy lived in her...she will def b missed.

Anonymous said...

It's very unfortunate you died without christ. I am sure if she could change her wish, she would have. Joan it's a different thing to be dead.

Bianca BRUNO said...

Hmmmnn
Am happy she lived her life fully.
Now it's judgement.

Andrew gracy charlie said...

Her wish though

Anonymous said...

Joan Rivers is a great lady.life is as simple and as easy as it gets with Joan. Life is really fun and laughs with Joan

Anonymous said...

Msheww

Debbie Chelsea said...

Awwwww...hope u gave ur live 2 Jesus Christ b4 diein? Sleep on

arinze egbuna said...

I was gonna insult this sacastic woman until I checked her on Wikipedia (she got levels).. I guess I wud b reserving any negative statement.. RIP Joan rivers.. But looking at it on the bright side.. I wont b having incessant interpution while watching supersport cos fp wont b the same without her on E..

Anonymous said...

Lool Joan was something else... Rip Joan. So many people will miss you.

nwandoe said...

EVen i death, she is still funny and alive

Shina Shine said...

NO COMMENT








BORN TO SHINE!!!!!

osa daniels said...

She was a Diva. I would miss her so much

Anonymous said...

goodnight joan rivers

rolex said...

May God help Joan Rivers and I hope her soul finds rest indeed!

Anonymous said...

RIP Joan. She was terribly funny. Does anyone help with a download link to any or all of her books? Been unsuccesful in my tries.

Anonymous said...

Hehehehhehe. JOAN u were a bitch but we lovd u anyways! Dats d kind of condolence she wud aprec8. Rest on lady. #so sad

Anonymous said...

Crazy old toad, she has no human feelings... 99percent plastic,1percent human.... Hopefully she would have a nicer mouth wherever she is now than she had on earth.....The woman was funny @ the expense of other peoples emotion!!! Wht about tupperware?#cheEzyjayne

NaNcY DreW said...

Mama joan neva nided d surgeries, we luved and luv her d way she is 2 think she died 4rm a throat surgery sumtin different tk her she hated being old. Ha all dose wu wished her death ur wish has been granted. Mama joan RIP

Omoge Manchester said...

May her soul rest in peace.

#king said...

R.I.P.."With all the surgery I've had I'm worried that when I die , God wont recognise me"- Joan Rivers..................................#KingOfKings

calvin nnaegbo said...

I just wish she gave her life 2 Christ,dats d most important tin,cos me no wan go to he'll o..i always knew dis woman won't survive,feared 4 her sha...RIP Ma'am

mercy macauley said...

Chei Joan!! Rip

Oge said...

She always makes me laugh in fashion police, will miss her alot......RIP Joan

Anonymous said...

Chikezie, accept my condolences because you evidently don't know who died here, but you want to make sure you grab Linda's next gift by posting comment, hence your tribute: "May his soul rest in peace ". Ndo Nwannem.

Anonymous said...

So sad!Rest in peace Ma'am...#Vanchizzy

Anonymous said...

RIP . Visit www. Hiddenmanner.com for your guide in marriage and relationships.

Cagey Berry said...

Now hollywood celebs can dress a bit off without thinking twice of her badmouthing. Rest well Joan.

Anonymous said...

LOL@ Anon11:57.

Anonymous said...

RIP JOAN RIVERS , YOU WILL BE MISSED!!

SunnyBriggs. said...

I can't help but laugh. Lol.

Anonymous said...

Rip mama joan rivers.i will personally miss u gan for fashion police.sun re ooo

Anonymous said...

WOW, I WAS WISHING NOT TO HEAR THIS O...........SO SAD.

LEEZ said...

RIP Joan!

ify onyekwelu said...

Wow!!! What a great coincidence indeed!! R.I.P. JR

Anonymous said...

Have U been dead b4? She believed what she wrote as you believed what you were told

Precious Ada said...

Lmao...mehn! That was evoooool...and I just felt for the poor chikezie dude...

dj fx said...

Hehe...

Anonymous said...

1 million likes

Anonymous said...

How do you know? Stop sounding sanctimonious!!!!! You are just shallow minded. Leave the judgement to God! Smh

Anonymous said...

Wishing you the one thing I wished my dad when he died #the GRACE of our lord JESUS be with u# joan.

Fatungase Idris said...

Please kindly check out Dreezb.blogspot.com. May she Rip tho

Anonymous said...

Hahaha...funny write up..*better place* hilarious...and btw you,it wasn't a death wish per say

Anonymous said...

Exactly Bonario. I used to idolise her until I watched her ranting claiming the children in Gaza deserved to die. Even as I wish BH death, I can never wish that to their children because no one chose were to be born.

Anonymous said...

even in death this lady is full of drama

peace gabice said...

Eyyah,will miss her bad. Mouth.Rip Joan

Chima Ejiofor said...

Lol, she makes jokes even bout death. RIP Joan Rivers

ClintonStunning said...

I sincerely didn't know her before now, buh reading a few of her quotes there even in death I can't help buh smile... RIP ma'am

ukwumaka theophilus said...

I remembered an episode in the year she featured in Donald Trump's celebrity apprentice alongside Holly Robinson. She was a tough nut to crack. When others are going right she's going left, when they are on the left, she's on the right. I remembered asking: who is this trouble personified? She had a mind of her own, so unique, so different. She was trouble in our eyes, but I hope the Almighty think differently of her.

Justina Michael said...

R.I.P to her. Very funny old mama.

Anonymous said...

Chai death . My most loved American woman .

joy Egbunu said...

Oh! Joan Rivers ooooo. Itz obvious this woman lived a fulfilled life. I,m soo gon miss d punches u throw @ peeps. R.I.P

CHINEDU EZEOMA DIKE said...

Rip mama J

Amami said...

Oh my fashion police....RIP

Anonymous said...

RIP the dead.

I WONDER WHAT IS WRONG WITH OUR LISTENERS – HIP HOP SINGER GIMBA GALADIMA CHEEKUH

Jessica law said...

Rip Joan Rivers.... there is no fashion police without you.

Omotayo Alli-Hakeem said...

This woman is a big jester

tgirl said...

This woman is more than a comedian. I hope they grant her wish. Rest on Joan Rivers.

Anonymous said...

Seriously?!!! You need a job.

Eniolufe said...

R.I.P

hilary obiorah said...

She is witty, I must give her that. Seems some of her wishes came true! Well she is in a better place now. LOL.

Anonymous said...

Stuff never has plural. There's nothing like stuffs my dear.

moh haffy said...

I am not a fan of her personla life even if she had 739 surgeries, but I love and adore her humour n sarcasm the best ever!

Anonymous said...

because you've been there. she lived well more than you will ever dream of. talking trash.

Emi2la said...

Lol..funny guy

♥ ȊƦȋƺȟ ƘƦȋϻ ♥ said...

D@s y she wil b surely missed,cos she does'nt care wat u tink or dnt tink abt her,wat u sai or dnt sai abt her,she says it d way she wants,anywhch way it is...RIP Joan rivers E entertainment wil surely miss u,d world @ large wil surely miss u...

Emi2la said...

RIP,.funny write ups though..M so looking forward to sseeing d casket and everything she wants in it...

Anonymous said...

LOL!!!

Reading this makes me laugh hard. She's got that effect even in death.

Yetunde A.S.

Soul said...

You died before kneecar?!

Anonymous said...

Honestly, Joan Rivers was NOT a nice person. She joked at the expense of others self esteem and feeling. And she was not a godly role model neither did she positively influence humanity.

shollymama said...

Rip joan ,d fashion police crew wil miss u nd kelly osborn wil miss u more

shollymama said...

Sharap ur dirty mouth who are u 2judge she died wiff out christ?where u der

eby said...

Rip mama, so Sad

lilian igwe said...

we miss you so much already. RIP ma. we love you

Bizzybabe said...

R.I.P Joan,u live on

Okoro said...

May her soul rest in peace..amen

Williams said...

LOL, funny and full of sarcasm till death! RIP Joan!!

ogechukwu ugwuanyi said...

i can swear fashion police wont be the same without you.... will miss you tremendously

Anonymous said...

@viola obiajulu, u didn't add that beyonce was a year old yesterday nd she died yesterday too so much of a coincidence.......

Anonymous said...

'If u don't have anytn nice to say,try acting it out'.will miss you on fashion police

Anonymous said...

I luv u Joan rip Joan Rivers

Anonymous said...

I luv u Joan rip Joan Rivers

Anonymous said...

i really dont know why I'm happy she's dead. Honestly, I'm trying to be sad for her

Anonymous said...

Funny tin is dat even d haterz have changed their mouth now dat she'z dead

Anonymous said...

@ least respect the dead, some are just crazy with their mouth.

Anonymous said...

@ least respect the dead, some people are just crazy with their mouth.

Anonymous said...

RIP Joan, great Fashion sense & funny...

Anonymous said...

RIP joan

Anonymous said...

RIP Joan

Marki Daniel said...

Am crying and laughing reading this,, she was so funny. will miss her, fashion police will never be the same.....RIP Joan

Neroxides said...

Wud sure miss her, may her gentle soul rest in peace...

Neroxides said...

Wud sure miss her on fashion police show, may her soul rest in peace.

Anonymous said...

Oh Joan.... Will miss ur mouth... RIP.


cherrykoko

Floetry In Motion said...

RIP Joan River. unapologetic wit... she doesn't take herself serious (why should you). started watch fashion police in my secondary school years, the ' 90s. then terms like "fined, Arrested ,sentenced" were used unlike the ones used in the recent (worst and best dressed) and even give awards, a golden hanger for best dressed and plaque for worst dressed. some celebs do collect it....
Fashion Police will not be fun without her! the last FP, when, Jessie J came on, she was almost losing her voice... she was as strong woman despite her. age, you need watch the Halloween episode, when she dressed as miley Cyrus; very energetic.

Kathy Griffin or Chelsea Adler or one black lady like the with dread, cant remember her name(She appeared one time on Wolrd's dumbest)would be a good replacement..

LAZY READER said...

Her show is one of the shows i love on E! Rest in peace joan

Anonymous said...

Lwkmd. Follow follow

Charles Anumnu said...

Even in d face of death u are still funny RIP Joan

Scholar Ibhagbe said...

Joan Rivers made me laugh every time I watch fashion police. Her funny words,and how she jokingly insults celebrities and always get away with it. Ooh Joan I know where ever you are the people there will never go a day without laughing.

Uju Phil said...

RIP Rivers,age should have been considered before the surgery.I'll miss your comedy Joan. #WannaBeYoungForever.

KWEEN said...

What is this?

wilheminna moses said...

Anon 11:57 u are an idiot! A big okpo @ dat.....u too shud pls rest in peaces for me. He made a mistake! Why wud. U wish him dead? Dis. Is how u anonfools and idiots go abt attacking pple under anony. Attack him wit ur name naa. Cowardly dog. Rest. In pieces again!

Anonymous said...

Hey Bonario it's stuff and not stuffs ok? They don't pluralize such. Don't worry keep the thanks. :)

Anonymous said...

Tribute To Joan Rivers!!!

Rekiya Okhade said...

Joan,I am not ready to miss you,not so soon.

Anonymous said...

she had no idea of life after death.....

mbuba amaka said...

A lot of folks where happy over her death.

Dee said...

R.I.P. Joan Rivers, we love you but God loves you more. Sleep on in the bossom of the Lord till we meet to part no more

Anonymous said...

Seriously? *surprised face* Most Retarded comment ever. Mschewww!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

RIP Joan Rivers, fashion police will never be d same again, that's if it'll still exist afterwards.I'll miss ur jokes.

xoxotop said...

everyone wishing she had given her life to Christ before she died how do you know she didn't? and you, and you, and you, have you given your own lives to Christ before wishing someone else had? don't judge so you'd not be judges too. she has ended her sojourn here on earth think about how yours will end. RIP Joan, you'd be greatly missed.

Hadiza Ibrahim said...

RIP JOAN RIVERS, fashion police will be nothing without you. Yes you died the way you wished for, I'll never forget how well you made me ,laughed, you were never afraid to say anything and you didn't care who it was you were referring to.
I hope they grant you all you wished for in death. Rest on.

Anonymous said...

will surely miss u and ur bad mouth on fashion police. rest in peace joan.

Anonymous said...

Rip great woman but like seriously, i couldn't stop laughing at anonymous 11.57pm yarns about Chikezie, leave the man alone please,he wishes d woman well and could be typographical error or sleeping eyes. So .......lol

Anonymous said...

I absolutely adore this woman, love her or hate her, Joan Rivers was a legend. Even reading this excerpt, i'm laughing so hard. Even in death she is still making me laugh. She doesn't give a f**k. She lived her life... i think we should really all live enjoyable and worthwhile lives...Some people i.e. me are so boring, always overthinknig things and thinking what will people say... i should be more carefree.
Goodbye Joan, I hope you make teh angels laugh. i'm sure it will be a ball, you and Rob Williams up there having a ball.

sade alao said...

R.I.P Joan Rivers.

jaybeyblu said...

D great decoder, yes! U caught us Bey killed Joan, u know na? Illuminati things. In awe of ur sharpness, we didn't think anyone will figure it out. U should become a detective....true detective.

chemmywalata walata said...

Anon 11:57pm lmao oh u noticed that hahaha this alloy na real mugu lol ppl are so desperate to comment "may his soul rest in peace indeed" smh.

Beeteewhy said...

U don't have any idea to what life and death is..so stfu..when a person dies,he/she looses consciousness of everything. Including your memory. u don't even know that u are dead. there is no hell or heaven to go to, as that is a myth written to scare and guide people to follow some law written in the bible or quran as the case may be. So when the day finally come that u take your last breath,be rest assured that u will be gone and that will be it..nothing to gain or lose.

peace Ngozi said...

lord forgive me i like her but she is always yabing people sometimes i see it as she always being sentimental she never liked the KARDASHIANS my fav so when ever is see coming up fashion police i press the next botton but at the same thiNG RIP

Anonymous said...

I knw she died a happy woman..but wil tht her daughter do all ds things 4 her??.. Lindyway will keep us posted!!
Twit @successralu

Anonymous said...

I knw she died a happy woman..but wil tht her daughter do all ds things 4 her??.. Lindyway will keep us posted!!
Twit @successralu

Anonymous said...

Nice one viola.

Anonymous said...

WHAT A WISH! ALMOST MAKING DEATH GLAM. I HOPE YOU HAVE A GRAND WELCOME YONDER TOO. REST IN PEACE HAMMER.

Koffklint said...

RIP Diva of life.

Koffklint said...

RIP Diva of life.

Rubylicious said...

"Stuff"

Koffklint said...

RIP Diva of life.

CHIDINMA said...

RIP RIVERS,FASHION POLICE WILL NOT BE THE SAME WITHOUT U....

Anonymous said...

Nancy Drew- she went in for an endoscopic procedure, which is a fancy camera shoved down ones throat to check for things like cancer and peptic ulcer disease, she never had surgery: it's a 'boom in and boom out ' event and quite strange for her to have passed on. RIP to her

Anonymous said...

Dem no dey retire for US? At 81 still working as police woman, na wao. No wonder she needed the surgery to able to keep fit and arrest people. #LIBsidechic.

Anonymous said...

Comedy this year has lost 2 of its greats.. first Robbie now Joan, so sad! really

Anonymous said...

A life without Christ. After death judgement ,where you will give an account of your life.

yemi Dynamyte said...

she is so cocky as ever...

yemi Dynamyte said...

So funny

lauraauj kahi said...

Funny write up. it will be smile and tears of grieve. May her soul rest in peace.

janelicious said...

LOL
@anonymous 11:23 are u serious by that your comment,where did u get the news that she is police woman. Na wa ooooooooo
Hehe!

janelicious said...

@ moses did you read n understand the anonymous post before commenting and insuiting the person for know just cause.

mary prynce said...

she died in laughter...

Anonymous said...

RIP Joan Rivers. by dobis112@gmail.com

APPLE said...

R.I.P

Anonymous said...

http://WeeklyYouthPay.com/?ref=296803

Mercy Paul said...

Fashion police will never be the same again.

Anonymous said...

Stop talking what you don't know . Joan had a big heart, she contributed to a lot of charities .

Anonymous said...

Rip

Jaye said...

LMAO in five different accents. Dis woman is cray!! Omgosh.

Anonymous said...

RIP2 an ageless #HUMORMONGER

Amarachukwu. said...

Rip...sad.

Anonymous said...

@ Moses, you're even more daft than the alloy person. All i see there is humour, not death wish. @ anonymous 11:57pm, you got me rolling in laughter.

liberty said...

Na wa for this woman sef. She should sometimes be careful with her words. These days old people don't think before they talk or act anymore. they're worse babies. Well as she wishes sha wetin be my own for Inside RIP to her from now.

liberty said...

Na wa for this woman sef. She should sometimes be careful with her words. These days old people don't think before they talk or act anymore. they're worse babies. Well as she wishes sha wetin be my own for Inside RIP to her from now.

Anonymous said...

It feels like she knew she was going to die..its really sad though
R.I.P Joan

Anonymous said...

Dat 1 concern u..

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