'A loved one gone forever. How it feels!' late Toba Falode's sister Tolu shares experience | Welcome to Linda Ikeji's Blog

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Friday, 8 May 2015

'A loved one gone forever. How it feels!' late Toba Falode's sister Tolu shares experience

Toba Falode would have been 21 years old this month if he hadn't been murdered mysteriously in Dubai last year. Tolu, his only sister writes to share her feelings since his demise. Read below...
It’s been over a year and I can scarcely remember Toba’s voice. Sometimes if I stand still enough and think, I can hear his whisper before it fades away into the mist of time.
In that process I have become acquainted with the pain. It has stopped tugging at my heart and clogging my eyes with tears. Instead, it has become a still awareness in my spirit. It lingers there whenever I search for my brother’s face.
In those moments I search my memories for his smile, in those seconds I feel a glimpse of his eyes focused on my spirit. But then pain answers.

It answers with a stern voice of certainty: he’s not here. It pouts its lips in confidence and gives me a cold smile filled with the sting of death.
But now, I anticipate its presence and so I watch it as well. Stubbornly staring at it as I try and probe, scrutinizing its shadows, searching for my brother’s face. I refuse to let the trickle of his presence leave my spirit finally as I move forward.

I fight it even as I know it is a battle I have lost. Still I want to remember so I stubbornly sit in front of it demanding for my memories.

I look for the feeling I miss the most. When I would anger Toba with my voice, or even my shouts of irritation at his stubbornness. I look for those moments we fought like true blood siblings. I look for the times we laughed so hard we nearly felt pain from the force of happiness that lifted our spirits.
I look for his snigger of amusement as he tried to scare me into screaming. I look for that feeling of love that flooded my soul whenever I looked into his eyes.

And I feel it fade away into the distance. I tug at it determined not to let it leave. I fight the pain that has replaced his presence.
I search for Toba everyday. How? I think it happens when I try to remember the feeling of a sibling. I feel the absence of his presence burden my soul.

It haunts me in different ways. 

When I look for his voice that would always answer my thoughts with confident reassurance, I seek his face.
When I remember his beautiful smile, I try and remember the sound of his laughter.
And other times, when I face challenges that somehow have become heavier in his absence, I long for his thoughts and words of wisdom.

And so I converse with the pain trying to coax it into giving me back my memories.
I ask the sorrow for his smile. I question the silence for his voice. I watch the pain for a glimpse of his presence.
And I find I have begun to forget and that is the sharpest truth of all; that time has stretched past my memories and replaced them with a fog filled with emptiness.

That his time on Earth is done and my steps have moved forward; hence I cannot find my way back.
Back to our childhood memories of laughter, anger, pain and joy. I cannot find my way back to those moments I watched him so intensely as he told me about his dreams. I cannot find my way back to his laughter-that beautiful melody of hope that always sang in my spirit-yes, I miss that the most. 
No, I cannot find my way back to that sibling feeling-you know right? That feeling you get from annoying your brother/sister just because of the unique joy it births in your spirit. That feeling of just being. The feeling of a sibling bond.

Pain reminds me I have begun to forget.
Stubbornly I refuse to listen to the truth in that fact. Stubbornly I still sit and try and feel his voice in my spirit. 

And though he is gone, I feel a whiff of reassurance that he is present. 
He is present because I am his sister. He is present because he is my brother. He is present because we are family.

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74 comments:

Abraham Ndu said...

May his soul continue to rest in peace...

Engr. Daniel said...

Its a feeling that can't be expressed. We can only move on and live a life that they would have been proud off

ed DREAMZ said...

a.k.a EDWIN CHINEDU AZUBUKO said...
.
May his soul RIP.....
.
.
***CURRENTLY IN JUPITER***

Daniel Abiaziem said...

Life z????

Anonymous said...

May his soul continue to rest in peace.

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Zenki Moye Brown said...

The pain of lossing a loved one neva fades away......
Time dey say heals all wounds....but the pain of loosing a loved one can neva be healed..

Rest on dear one....


Moye says so via BB Passport...Courtesy LIB....

Oluchi Lambert said...

Rest on Toba

cynthia chukwu said...

Is not easy to let go of those who matters a lot to us so quick their memory still remains fresh! May god give them the heart to bear it all Amen

Zenki Moye Brown said...

The pain of lossing a loved one neva fades away......
Time dey say heals all wounds....but the pain of loosing a loved one can neva be healed..

Rest on dear one....


Moye says so via BB Passport...Courtesy LIB....

ONYX linda ikeji first son GODWIN said...

Death... The only thing that should never never happen.. Whatever made Adam and eve eat that apple.. Soo sad..

Anonymous said...

SAD DEAR.....TOMJERRYSWIT

Mayreeh Chioma said...

Eyaaaaah! RIP to him

Anonymous said...

Eeeyya

Anonymous said...

Eeeyya

BONARIO NNAGS said...

Phew! Quite heart rendering.
May God comfort you dear.

~BONARIO~says so via NOKIA LUMIA

Amaechi's Girl said...

Using your brother's death as a stepping stone to fame. Nigerians. Always opportunists.

Amaechi's Girl said...

Using your brother's death as a stepping stone to fame. Nigerians. Always opportunists.

Debbie Chelsea said...

May he continue to sleep on.....

@lwkmd_naija - follow on instagram/twitter said...

Amen

Juliet Iwuno said...

So touching! The feeling of losing a loved one is not something anyone should wish for but it is inevitable. God help us all. Linda take note!

Davido's driver said...

What a loss

ROYAL PRIESTHOOD said...

RIP. Its well.

post free advert said...

Its painful and heart breaking indeed.I also had the same experience.my dear live goes on.just have it at the back of your mind that your brother is resting in the blossom of the lord and that one day you will meet to part no more.take heart dear.sell your products for free,click here

kaosara Ariyo said...

Whao,dis makes me remember a loved one dat I lost

Ifeanyi Obi said...

@Amaechi's girl, you are so redundant and simple. what kind of comment is that? insensitive doesn't do justice to the rubbish you just typed! fool!

Deola Naom said...

Ohh dear!! Dz is so touching!!! Rest on Toba

Olufunmi Jeje said...

I can feel your pain, I just lost my sister at 49 and I tell you, I doubt if I can ever recover.

Please take solace in Christ, He is the only comforter.

May his soul rest in peace.

dekamz said...

@ amaechi girl.....u are very stupid,a monster,idiot,better idiot

Mayreeh Chioma said...

What are u even saying? Do u know what it means to lose a loved one? Just pray not to see such.

STUCH Bedpread said...

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Omotola said...

@Ameachis Girl... You could help been stupid right??? How could you even give such short sighted remark??? i am wowed at the level of your ignorance. The kinda mentality you have is the cancer killing this country

Ogochukwu Anyanwu said...

Such is life!!!

Obianuju Amalochi said...

So touching, May his soul continue to rest in d bossom of d lord
.

becky said...

U are very silly n stupid 4 diz comment @amaechi's girl, silly twat

Omotola said...

*could not

Aliona marshall said...

Sometimes I wonder why bad things happen and why good people die! But I can't question God bcs I grew up to believe that he has a reason for everything. Continue to rest in peace Toba while we continue to pray for those responsible for your untimely death.

hoyehbee said...

Linda!!! Where do u always get this ur news? The guy would have been 21 (1994-2014) not 24. Continue to rest in the Lord Oluwatoba Hendrix Falode (Tyler Fray) #justicefortoba

Anonymous said...

@Amaechi's girl..God ll punish u..may u lose ur love ones and see aw painful it is..useless girl with horrible name..goshhhh u r sooo irritating with that ur senseless comment..animal,boko haram pikin

Glamorous Rose said...

This piece brought tears to my eyes.I sure know the sibling feeling.May he rest in peace

opeyemi Ibrahim said...

May Toba Rest in perfect peace.Death is cruel....It cuts short our plans and dreams. To Tolu and her mum ....my prayers are with you...May yall find peace and may God answer all your prayers...... Stay Strong

christie benjamin said...

Continue resting in peace.

Bimposhvilla oluwaseun said...

So sad

Eniola Oladipo said...

@Amaechi's girl that was very insensitive and cruel. You have to understand that people deal with pains differently, some post pictures on social media, so talk to friends on the fone, some read books, some take a walk, some cry, some shout, some are silent, some prefer to write, go and ask any good writer you are best when you are emotional, either pain or joy. Have you heard of a woman called Tia Itomi, she lost her whole family (her husband and 2 children) to an accident caused by a drunk driver. She said writing helped her heal. Her book Ashes for Riches (cant really remember now) was a bestseller. so don't underplay people's pain and agony for cheap publicity, its not fair to her. Even in her write up you could feel her pain so what fame are you talking about here?

Anonymous said...

OLODO OSHI.....Hw is 1994-2014 24 years????

Gorgeous Diva said...

You won't understand if you haven't lost a close one before. Take heart,and may God continue to strengthen you. May he continue to rest on...

Opeyemi Ojomu said...

Nothing feels like losing your sibling.Its pains, pains , pains.
You remember sweet childhood days, you feel pains. You hear old music u danced/listened to being played, you feel pains again. You hear your late sibling's namesake being called, the pains come back again!
I still await time to heal mine. I pray time heals yours too and everyone out there who has lost a loved one. I really feel you. Keep resting Toba. Keep resting my sister Maureen!

Nana smooth said...

Such is life

Anonymous said...

@Amaechi Girl.
You must be mad for such comment.If you ain't get nothing to comment,why dont you just keep your stinking mouth shot ?
I prayed you meet such a tragic death Toba had in your family.
Oloshi !!
Aku ku ibi sanse radarada.

ifeoluwa adewoye said...

so sowi, rest in perfect peace

NaijaDeltaBabe said...

Lol at olodo oshi...easy on him/her na

uche Ezinne said...

My dear,take heart..God gives and God takes..

Anonymous said...

May his gentle soul RIP. May his murderers know no rest till they confess and repent.

Shina Shine said...

Painful



#Commenting thru Glo 4G LTE

uju said...

Eya! Continue to RIP

Subomi said...

continue to RIP

Nkay said...

@Amaechi's girl...are u really this stupid or are you pretending to be? I pray that God should have mercy on ur thinking faculty , so u reason properly..may u not lose ur bro or sis...

Amaechi's Girl said...

Bla bla bla bla

Amaechi's Girl said...

Bla bla bla bla

Amaechi's Girl said...

Bla bla bla bla

Amaechi's Girl said...

Bla bla bla bla

Amaechi's Girl said...

Bla bla bla bla

Amaechi's Girl said...

Bla bla bla bla.

Amaechi's Girl said...

Bla bla bla bla

Anonymous said...

tears don't allow me finish the reading RIP.

Anonymous said...

RIP Toba...
I saw the light die in Aisha Falode's eyes. This is the worst thing that can happen to a mother or sibling....

May God console you guys in Jesus name amen.

hoyehbee said...

@nameless and faceless anonymous, open your eyes and brain and read well before u come after me
@naijadeltababe u shd too

hoyehbee said...

Linda got the gist and has corrected herself, so what's ur issue? Just back off Ok?! Thank you

Amaka Ngenegbo said...

And its one year already; how time flies. Continue to rest in the LORD Toba.



#TeamBlessed#

Oluchi sampson said...

RIP Toba

Anonymous said...

RIP Toba and oyams.....God will be the judge...forever in our hearts.

Chidinma Okereh said...

Rip

kaosara Ariyo said...

@ amaechi's girl u're a fool,juz as ur man

kaosara Ariyo said...

@ amaechi's girl I don't think u're alright

prettiyz said...

Chai, I feel her pain,sorry dear and RIP to her brother's soul

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