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Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Dear LIB readers: Should I tell my husband that my sister is actually my daughter?

From a LIB reader. Quite long...enjoy...:-)
I currently live in the UK and I am married to the most loving guy that I can ever think of, trust me I have been around so I know the attribute of the word "most loving guy" though all is not perfect at the moment but the dilemma now is that I am stuck between my mother, myself, my husband and our four months old baby and I really think I have made a very serious mistake courtesy of mother and all her advice.
I have known my husband for close to 12 years and of which have been married now for 2yrs. Unknowingly to my husband I had a baby for my secondary school love just after I finish my SS3 exams in Nigeria, and with the help of my mother we were able hide this from everyone apart from my immediate family because my then boyfriend denied the pregnancy and my mother did not want word to get out the her most precious teenage child has become pregnant. 
 
To cut the long story short, I gave birth to my first baby girl in a very small town in one of my mothers numerous friend's village, and my mother flew me abroad shortly after, and my baby was given to an Orphanage home near Port Harcourt run by again one of my mother numerous friends.

Anyway, that was such a long time ago now cos I am now a hard working girl living in the United Kingdom with a very good job at a blue chip company, and my baby girl Uju who is almost 13yrs old was brought up at the orphanage until she was six years old, then my mother who had moved to Lagos return to PH, and adopted my little girl and even till today my little girl doesn't know her mother she think my mother is the God sent woman who rescued her from the Orphanage and she is a good girl, she lives with my mum in PH as my  junior sister and she calls me her elder sister.

I forgot to add that a childhood history is very similar to this, through my childhood I think my mum had at least four husband or live in partners, I have four siblings and only the two eldest are apparently from the same father, and all our fathers abandoned us and do not want any thing to do with us even to this day after establishing contacts with them when we grew into adults, my mum says they were all bad men but now that I am much older I am beginning to doubt, she has always told us that our father absconded when they was no money but that was until she started telling us who our real father is, I only knew mine two years ago and I have made contacts but my real father is not interested at all, even to meet me or talk on the phone talkless of my mum, but my mum said that he has always been a bad man and that it is because she loved all of us that made her bring us up all alone by herself when all the men in her life left for dead.

As I was saying, in my early childhood I also was sent to the orphanage till about the age of four years before I was brought to a new house with my mum and siblings and we were calling my mum "aunty" because she had told her current boyfriend/partner that we were her own younger siblings and she had lost her own parents and was charged with the responsibility of looking after all five of her younger brothers and sisters (three girls and two boys).  Things became OK for a while until my mum's boyfriend found out and accused also her infidelity, my mother's boyfriend who we used to call Uncle threw all of us in the street in the full glare and jeers of the whole neighborhood, that day remains one of the most embarrassing days of life till date. 

My eldest brother once told me that they have had to deal a lot more than myself in regards to my mum lies being found out that my own father whom I never really knew also threw all of us out the house because our mum was found out of the same lies and that was why I was sent to the orphanage because they were homeless at some time, and that half of the people I called my uncles then were actually our mum's sleeping partners and they (my elder sibblings, I am the last btw) used to hear when they were having sex with mum, and if they tried to confront her that mum used to beat the hell out of them and send them out to look for food and not return until they have money for food and school fees.

The funny thing is that I have sat down and looked at my mother life and I do not want to have that kind of life, today my mother can be said to be very comfortable but I do not think she is very happy, I think she is very lonely and unhappy though knowing my mum she will never admit and its the same with all her numerous friends, they are all sad and unhappy with their current situation, some have been accused of their husband's death to take over properties, the others either their husbands have left and never returned or nonchalant to their well being, then with all their children being totally disrespectful to them, all having problems in their own lives, its either one is in jail in a faraway country or the other one has been jobless for ages or still no husband after countless suitors would come, have numerous failed marriages or its either one thing or the other and out of all my mothers children I am the only that seems to doing OK, and this is mainly because of my husband, he has always been there for me  from when I arrived in the UK every other person including my siblings agrees except my mum and she has always been trying to cause trouble between myself and my husband saying he is not good for me and that he is using me even after having a baby for him who is just four months old now, my mum is indirectly telling me to leave my husband of two years that me and my four months daughter will be better off without him and that I will have grave consequences in the future if I do not leave him on time that I will always find someone else that will love me more.

Please readers tell what I should do, should I tell my husband that the little girl that I told him was my younger sister in Nigeria is my daughter or should I keep mute, please don't forget the first daughter does not yet know that I am her real mother. I know my husband very well and I think he will never forgive me nor will he forget and the way he acts sometimes makes me think he may already have had heard some of these stories about my mum because he has always been a very respectful person but now he doesn't have any single respect for mum and sometimes extends to myself, I know his trust for me has greatly diminished that makes me think he is still in this marriage only because of our four months old daughter, I am beginning to think he may be suspecting some things especially with my mum's background because its like he can see through my mum and I am also beginning to think that is the reason that my mum is trying to break us up before the truth comes out to save me from the kind of embarrassment she received the numerous times that she was found out. My mum may be a lot of things but I still love her dearly and I think I will still always love her.

I know telling my husband  this will greatly hurt him, but I don't want to hurt him that much also I don't want to lose him if he finds out or should I just enjoy while it lasts, last time I have similar situation like this was when I was in the university  but then we were just lovers, I cheated on him numerous times though he never caught me red handed but sometimes out of the blue he starts throwing hints here and there that only if he knew of my affairs that he would know of such things and I could not help but confessed to him, this damaged our relationship for a very long time and he was out of my life for a while then things returned to normal, he forgave me because he thought I told the whole truth and no secrets, he made me swear that I am not hiding anything else from him, the way he said it was almost like he knew about my past but I took a gamble and did not spill, he just smiled and said I love u then we got married shortly afterwards. He loves our baby girl so much that I am afraid the truth will deprive this young baby the enviable love of her father when the truth comes out, just like I myself lost out on my fathers affection due actions of my mother and I do not want this to continue to my daughter. Please honestly what should I do.

243 comments:

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TAX COLLECTOR said...

Likewise me.it may network problem.we do av secrets bt d one like dis is sometin u cnt keep.pray n ask God for forgiveness n direction.there is notin bigger than God.all d best.

***Lush said...

Like you said yourself, you married a GREAT man. In the first place, not many men will marry a woman AFTER she admits to cheating on him.

I think the main issue here is your mother. She is JEALOUS of the relationship you have -- the man you have in your life loves you and is willing to support you through thick and thin.

You need to put the relationship with your mom on the brakes. Meaning, she should not be the first person you go to when you've got problems because that woman is determined to ruin your relationship. Open up and talk to your husband. It's called COMMUNICATION!!!

That being said, your husband has the right to know that she is your child. If you want a long-lasting and successful marriage, you have to tell your husband that she is yours.

Make sure you 'butter' him up well well and apologize profusely. DO NOT ADMIT TO LYING. Just tell him over and over that you were not fully honest because you were scared. It was important that you and him (your husband) work on your relationship before bringing your first daughter into the mix. You also wanted to discuss with him (your husband) how to approach your daughter with the truth because it is not something you can handle alone.

Be open. Be honest. Be contrite. Remember: APOLOGIZE PROFUSELY.




***Lush

Anonymous said...

THIS IS SUPER-STORY A LIFE OF STRIVE AND SORROW...THIS IS SUPER-STORY,SUPER-STORY, SUPEER-STOOORYYY....

Ada jesus said...

That book PRAYER RAIN by Dr.DK olukya has really done wonders in my life! Seriously I advice you get one

Advisor said...

First, let me commiserate with you on the sadness you have been through all these years and the impending one!

As complicated as this matter is, the soluton is simple; actually very simple!

The issue is not whether you should tell him (your husband) or not. Not at all. There is no choice about that. YOU HAVE TO TELL HIM!!!

The issue is HOW to tell him. This leads to another issue of WHEN to tell him. The issue of WHERE to tell him is a non-issue really. At home, of course!

On HOW to tell him: You have to do it in bits; in little doses. You don't have to dump all the rot on him at a go. That is most likely to KILL your marriage, if not one or both of you. So, how do you go about it? One night, just tell him that you have a burden in your heart that has been weighing you down. That it is your pain, your cross. That you are convinced that if you told him, he will kick you out of his house and life. Then, tell him how much you love him and how you will continue to love him for the rest of your miserable life. Tell him also how scared you are of losing him. DO NOT REVEAL ANYTHING ABOUT THE SECRETS ON THIS FIRST ENCOUNTER! He would press, he would push, he would pressure. DO NOT SUCCUMB. If the pressure becomes too much, re-assure him that you love him and that no matter whatever happens to you, you will never forget him for his love, kindness and friendship. Then sob, cry, grief... and go to sleep! The first day...

P.S.: Remember this matter is not a day's job. You MUST administer the doses in small measures!

Anonymous said...

i hope you are attending a bible believing Church,Pls and pls see your pastor.Finally Prayer is the Key

Anonymous said...

After you pray for strength, You need to do 2 difficult things: 1. tell him . 2. Stay far away from your mum. Both tough but both essential for your long term happiness and peace of mind.

Anonymous said...

My dear why are you bothering yourself whether to tell him or not. He just might be an LIB reader. hehehe

Anonymous said...

Linda, it will be nice for you to ask these people who seek advice from Your blog to give us update as in what advice did they take and what was the outcome.

Charles Mastermind said...

Like mother like daughter :/

really disheartening... Hopefully he doesn't throw you to the street where you belong how your sane father did your insane mother #smh

Anonymous said...

this is clearly spiritual. frm wat u ave just described there is a generational curse in your family or ur mother is a kind of society. pls i would advice you to pray and buy pastor olukoya's book dealing with satanic technology. you should pray seriously. and pls let ur husband know about your daughter. may God help you.

Anonymous said...

A unionn that is meant to be will always stand whatever test comes..why did yu not tell him in d first place?? Take ur chances nd tell him nd pray sincerely that he forgives yu first so yu dnt end up lik ur mom

young said...

well, tell the truth.. it will ruin things for you tho, face the consequence,be ashamed for a while but this time with the feeling that you have told the whole truth with no skeleton in your cupboard.. God will intervene and you will win everything back..if you Don't tell the truth, u will be on another blog in some years writing a more fucked up part 2 story of your life with part 3 in the making. stay blessed.

Anonymous said...

You were having sex in secondary school, why? The only thing I picked up from the entire narrative.#next

Anonymous said...

Go ahead and tell him and just have it as a backup that after the story you are going to an unknow destination unless ur man is understandable and redy to put bye gone behind.



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Unknown said...

Dnt buy d advice LIBers give u º°˚ rememba d adage wch says; "show me ur mum and i will tell you who you are"..listen 2 ur mum,she knws wotz best 4 u..#if ur mum made it 4men---u can make it 5men#--leave ur husy..#get anoda,and anoda, and anoda and anoda.u are stil young u knw.....#iranu!#--

Anonymous said...

W can u say No help.yes itz complicated but don't talk lyk dat coz u're not perfect too. There's help 4her in d Lord. So don't condemn her coz u don't knw urs? Mtcheeeewwwww

Anonymous said...

Its better u tell him d truth now cos if he finds out later on, its gonna be d worst nightmare of ur life. The truth is always bitter buh remember dat even wen u eat bitter-leaf nd drink water ur mouth becomes sweet. So pls tell him d truth cos he'll understand now. Wish u luck......

Anonymous said...

No doubt, it is important you tell him because if he gets to know in future, it may create an irrepairable damage in your marriage relationship. However before you tell your husband, you need to do the followings:
1. Pray seriously for God mercy and divine favour when you open up to your husband.
2. You must find appropriate time to tell him particular at his happiest time. Ask him whether he true loves you and set the ground for your story. After your story, explain why you have nor told him till now and demostrate that you are really sorry for not letting him know all this while. Remember, there are fine ways of saying dirty things. Good luck

MY TURN said...

Took me 2 days to read this ....this is a script from jerry springer jare.anyway i wish you all the best whatever you choose to do.

206 COMMENTS WON'T HELP YOU CHOOSE...YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO JUST DO IT AND ITS EITHER YOU KEEP IT TO YOURSELF OR TELL HIM.

Anonymous said...

My dear pls tell him and expect the worst. make sure you have a good job to take care of your children and bring your daugther to live with you. Just free your sprit and go closer to God.

Anonymous said...

I usually never comment, but i need to say this to you. You cannot continue to live with all this mistakes. You should have told him everything before the wedding. But now that you are married, my advice is that you start praying about this situation, if you are a Christian, see your marriage counsellor and tell them the situation. Nothing is impossible with GOD, only him can hold your relationship together through this shaky times. I wish i could get in contact with you,so we can talk/ walk through this.

Anonymous said...

On a serz note I think u guys r in some serious family collective captivity. U need to visit a church, I'll recommend MFM. Beta take it serz cos I'll pass ir down to ur daughter if u don't deal with it.

Matty said...

Well, its quite pathetic the way you grew up, what you went through and the likes. Birds of the same feather truly folks together. I would advise that you take the bull by the horn and let the cat out of the bag. Sit your husband down and tell him everything he needs to know. First you open your heart to God and ask Him to touch your husband's heart. If you want the best for your daughter and yourself then you would do this. No situation is too complicated for God to handle. Don't listen to your mom's advice even if you love her less you end up worst than her. Hope this helps.

Matty said...

Well, its quite pathetic the way you grew up, what you went through and the likes. Birds of the same feather truly folks together. I would advise that you take the bull by the horn and let the cat out of the bag. Sit your husband down and tell him everything he needs to know. First you open your heart to God and ask Him to touch your husband's heart. If you want the best for your daughter and yourself then you would do this. No situation is too complicated for God to handle. Don't listen to your mom's advice even if you love her less you end up worst than her. Hope this helps.

Anonymous said...

pray b4 u tell him, God will give you grace to find favour when u tell him truth.

Anonymous said...

travel to nigeria,tell your little girl the story and apologise to her,beg for her forgiveness.visit mfm prayer city for prayers,go back uk and confess to your husband,explain the circumstances and ask his forgiveness.if he refuses,then life goes on,you have your daughter's love and then who knows abetter man who will understand you will come and love you and your kids

Unknown said...

sincerely this is pathetic but what i know is that there is always light at the end of a tunnel . tell him the truth and face the consequences. is better you tell him ur self than to discover form anoda sources

Anonymous said...

My dear, pray about it then confess to ur hubby. yes! the truth is bitter but he deserves to know or he'll eventually find out and throw u out like ur mum bfs did to her.

wish u the best and may God see u through. Amen!

Anonymous said...

Pray first. When your husband is in a good mood, ask for his forgiveness. Apologizing for all that has happened, tell him everything just the way you it was typed out here. Everything would be fine. I'll be praying for you

Anonymous said...

nice story line with too many flaws for reality....i dont believe this happened live. There were too many unconnecting facts (like afterthoughts)

Anonymous said...

Exactly

Anonymous said...

Only you, your mum and probably those who helped know much about your daughter-sister. Confessed not for in the beginning the sin has already been covered. your mum is envying you or wait until he finds out himself. If he does, then confess.

Anonymous said...

u want pple to tell u all is well, while u lied for good 12 years.
the worst case, the man might leave u after saying d truth. take ur first child to UK with u. let her have family love with u and ur new baby. dont marry any man again to make u different from ur mother. accept ur children as ur husband. work hard for them so dat dey will not have bad story about you.
always pray for your mum. she still loves u.
let God intervene.

Tosin

Anonymous said...

Would you want your husband to tell you?

Once you commit yourself to God with all your heart, God will tell you what to do :-)

Anonymous said...

No one can direct you as to what it is you have to do but "God" :-)

>>>I have a feeling you already know what you need to do though - just my two cents?

WOWWWWW... Is my first and last reaction. For the sake of your daughters - break this cycle :) before it becomes to late or you'll really begin to see a curse from God.














Anthony Damian said...

The truth, the say is ALWAYs bitter. In this life we all take risks ( even living is a risk!) But that no withstanding, I suggest u take the bull by the horn, nd face this issue. The best way to solve a problem is by facing it head on and that u have done. Tell ur husband the truth nd nothing but the TRUTH. PRAY he doesn't over react. Make him see reason with why u didn't tell him earlier in the relationship. This does not guarantee that things would return to normal immediately, u'd have to give him time. But in the long run he would understand. . .

Anonymous said...

this is absolutely crap story and i dont believe a word of it. for someone who works in a blue chip company in the UK, the english is utterly depressing and the write up is sooo disjointed.

Linda, u can do better than this.

Anonymous said...

My dear, please tell ur pastor if you have one, let him come and beg ur husband.

dont tell the man first, because this story is not a good one, and dont tell him all abt ur mum, just discuss ur baby with him.

if he really love u, he will forgive u, see i tell my husband everything abt me, and i dont think i cld hide a word from him, he does nt get offended at me just because he loves me.

mrolajyde@gmail.com said...

I doubt it has crossed your mind that if u feel for this child then why not bring it to the wonderful U.K. as yr sister,so that she too can enjoy from your BLUE-CHIP lifestyle.
OH no god forbid.That wouldnt sit right with your selfish,greedy,dishonest,me me me nijah brain,would it? BITCH buy her a ticket and stop acting.U aint fooling nobody.Not even yourself and u kno it.

Zinwa ogb said...

Looool you should post your mothers picture,.,she should be banned from orphanage homes in nigeria,.,wat a G,.,I bet she has kids u lot don't know of, nd ur family seems cursed #nooffence

Anonymous said...

you should tell your husband. you said it yourself that he is very loving and caring. If he really loves and cares for you he would be able to overlook the situation. Besides, he wouldn't want to jeopardize the future of your baby girl

Hp android murah said...

linda get an editor looong story .....my eyes are hurting i beg*angry face*

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