Lekki husbands (I) - By Etcetera

Another article from singer turned columnist, Etcetera. This one is interesting. Enjoy...

Hey Alfred’

‘Yes! Who be this?’

‘Ahan, you no get my number again? Na Frank dey talk.’

‘Hey Franko my guy.’

‘Alfred nawa oo, I don call you taya. Wetin happen wey you no gree pick my calls?’

‘Frank abeg no vex, I been dey inside one shop for “The Palms.”

‘Shuoo, person wey dey inside shop no dey pick calls again? Abi you dey with babe? Talk true.’

‘Frank abeg free me. No be babe mata dey do me now.’

‘Wetin happen Alfred? Why are you sounding like this today?’

‘Frank mehn, my wife don start her madness again. As I dey talk to you so, I wan leave her. I don taya I swear.’

‘Take am easy Alfred. Na the same wahala all of us wey marry celeb dey face. I even dey with Femi and Gbenga for here. If you hear their complaints, you sef go taya. Wait for us for “The Palms.” We go reach there in 30 minutes time.’

‘Hey Alfredoski my guy!’

‘Femi how far? Hey Gbenga, where you buy this nice shirt?’

‘O’boy na my wife buy am for me oo. How your beautiful wife naa Alfred? Frank yarn us as we dey come say una wahala don start again.’

‘Gbenga I swear, I don taya for that girl.’ ‘Mehn, this sun na die. Abeg make we find somewhere to chill and take some bottles.’

‘Oya Alfred, gist us wetin happen between you and your wife this time around? But wait first Alfred, before you talk about you and your wife mata, are you not supposed to be at work at this time of the day?’

‘Why are you sounding like this Frank? Haven’t I told you that I don’t go to work whenever my wife is having menstrual pains?’

‘So wetin you come dey do for “The Palms”?’

‘Bros, she sent me to buy her sanitary pads and some chocolate.’

‘Shuoo your wife don turn you to houseboy finish ooo. So you no go work today because your wife wan eat chocolate and wear pad? Wonders shall never end. Na so she send you the other day go collect her purse wey she forget for another man house for Ikoyi.’

‘Gbenga abeg leave Alfred alone make him gist us wetin really happen between him and his wife this morning. That is why we stopped over.’

‘Ok, guys I was enjoying my sleep jeje this early morning, wey my wife come back from God knows where and woke me up to go and bathe her daughter. Before I say make I open my eyes, she don sprinkle water for my face.’

‘WHAT!!! So wetin you come do am?’ ‘Nothing na! Abi una want make I beat her? The water wey she pour for my face no even vex me like that. Na the insult wey follow the water make me vex. Na small thing remain I for slap her I swear.’

‘Mehn Alfred you messed up big time. If na my wife, I for use slap shave her eyebrows.’

‘Frank abeg make I hear word. Ok, make I slap her so that she go use me do publicity abi? Make she tell the world say I be wife beater abi? You know that our yeye press men won’t even bother asking my side of the story before writing their usual nonsense.’

‘Alfred, you and your wife mata na comedy I swear.’

‘Femi, wetin make you dey laugh? Shebi you sef dey plan to marry celeb? No worry, we dey wait. Don’t forget you already told me the reason you want to marry your celebrity girlfriend is because you loved the way she acted in the movie called “Jennifa.” You told Frank just two days ago that you are not very sure if her divorce went through the legal process of annulment or if it was just a case of her ex husband telling her to get out of the house and never come back again. Better find out the true reason for her divorce and if it was legally done so you don’t go to jail for bigamy.’

‘It’s ok Alfred.’

‘No Frank, let me finish what I am saying. After all we are all going through the same mess married to female celebs who have several divorces under their belt.’ ‘From what we all have seen of our celebrity wives and colleagues, none of us can vouch for our wives. Most female celebs are serial-cheaters and polyandrous. Some of them have married so many times that if they had a certificate for each divorce, the walls of their living rooms would be covered with frames like the office of the vice chancellor of UNILAG. Gbenga, why are you so quiet? How’s your wife?’

‘Frank, she’s fine jare.’

‘Is she back from Enugu? I taya oo. I wonder how long they will take to shoot a movie. Hope she calls sha?’

‘She called yesterday asking me to help her wash the pants she soaked in the laundry room two weeks ago before she travelled?’

‘My God, Gbenga please tell us you didn’t wash them. Did you?’

‘Yes I did, but before I did, I told her it would be the last time I’d ever wash her pants.’

‘Abegii, make we hear word. Who you dey lie for? Mehn, we don suffer for our wives hands sha. Frank, we heard your ex wife spent 24,000 dollars on a yacht trip in Dubai a couple of days ago.’

‘Abeg make una let me hear word. She no fit afford such extravagance. Maybe she don catch another maga.’

‘Frank don’t tell us you are jealous. What makes you so sure that she can’t afford it? Didn’t you see my wife’s friend who just got divorced the other day in her brand new G-wagon and they say she has also bought a house for herself here in lekki?’

‘Gbenga you be mumu if you believe say na her money she take buy house and G-wagon. How much she dey collect per movie and how many movies she dey act?’

‘Abeg na dem sabi jare. Make I begin dey go. My wife go soon call to ask whether I don pick her daughter from school. I still get to cook for her and her friends this evening.’

‘Guys, me sef don waka oo, I no dey for my wife trouble. Femi, are you not going home? You wey go soon become the latest Lekki husband. But please make sure her previous marriage was legally annulled by a court of competent jurisdiction ok?’

‘You be our guy and we don’t want you to be like Gbenga whose marriage is illegal.’

‘Frank, better keep quiet there.’

‘Guys we go see later. Hey Alfredoski, take am easy with your wife oo.’