Dear Linda, I am writing from Malawi and I need your readers advice. I got married about 10 years ago to a man i dated for almost 4 years. All was well before we got married. While dating, we used to stay some 400KM apart and he was working and I had also a teaching job in my city. After the death of my mother (while still dating) I had a responsibility of looking after my siblings and my orphaned nieces and nephews who were staying with my mother before she died. After a year we had our traditional marriage and I fell pregnant a month later. While I was 3 months pregnant, one day I was looking at our wedding photos where I saw a little boy on one of the photos, who was looking just exactly as my husband. When I asked my hubby about the parents of the boy, he told me he was his son. When I asked him further questions, he told me he had 6 children.
It was also discovered that 2 of the kids were born while we were still dating and before we were married. (Mind you I was that time pregnant, lost my mum and left my teaching job to stay with him). I was very much divastated and almost ran mad. I met some counsellors but all what was said was for me to stay with my hubby so as he could be looking after me for my unborn baby's sake. I stayed with him and on top of his 6 kids we were staying with his brothers, sisters and nieces too. It was a very trying time for me. My baby was born (very cute) and things worsed.
He was siding with his relatives to abuse me in many ways like (not providing for the baby's needs, not regarding me as the wife, prioritising his siblings' problems, beating me up and not allowing me to contribute as to how to run our family, seeking advice from his parents before doing anything etc). I was praying to God always to set me free but you know our God is always faithfull and will never dissapoint us. I got a very good job, my salary was x5 his salary, a company car, with school fees for my little one to a very good school in town and other alot of previledges.
Things changed instantly, his siblings moved out of the house one by one because they were ashamed looking at how they used to treat me before I got a job and my husband was always on my knees begging for forgiveness. Li, even though I have managed to stay with this man for 9/10 years now, it was because I had no where to go and I coudnt manage to raise my kid without any job.
Now that I have a job of my own I am suggesting of moving out and rent an apartment for myself and my son. Its been 3 years since I got the job and It was a very busy one at first and I couldnt think of moving out. Since those 3 years he has been acting so innocent, committed, obedient (he has been showing lots of care) but i dont know if its because of my job or love or if he has come back to his senses. I am very much confused and needs help
Note: He took advantage of my situation to abuse me and our own son.
He was there when I lost my mother and he funded for the funeral.
He did all what a loving man could do to serve the life of my mother and supported us when we had no one to assist.
But also the betrayal is just too much for me and I cant stand it.(am not doing this because i have been blessed with a good job but i do not have peace of mind)
40 comments:
Take a walk sweetie. You know a mans true self when he has power and money. Something's never change. Be smart
Rent the house and move on with your life... It is God's blessing that you overcame but he can still be part of your child's life. But you have to be happy again!
Walk away babe. Six freaking kids??? And you didn't even know about it??!! He showed his true colors when he thought you were nothing. That's when you know If someone loves you or not, when you are in distress. God forbid, you lose your job, you would see how he would turn against you again. Once bitten, twice shy. That guy doesn't deserve you. You even tried staying with him for those 3 years. I would've been gone.
Liz
Damn Lady, Damn!!
I have no idea how to handle this. But being the mischievous cow that I am, I would find out if this is about the money or the love. I would find a way to pretend I had lost my job, maybe during my holiday or leave times or pretend I go out to look for a job (when in fact i am going to work). This is a Juvenal attempt but, off the top of my head.
But lady, 6 kids. Damn!! Then extra useless relatives that send their children to be nuisances in someone else's home. Damn. Good luck eh
walk away while u can now cos wit dt kinda man in ur life,he wld def slow u down and not let u tink straight...d truth is dis he doesnt regard u,he is jst respecting ur money and position now,if tins turn arnd den u wld see his oda side again...tho he can be part of child's life cos growing up witout fatherly love aint gud...
Nigeria is very bad, and our men are bad, but this can NEVER happen in Nigeria, except maybe Rural Nigeria. That aside, I think you shouldn't be an hypocrite. Before God you took a vow, and God also blessed your family not you. Yes, the foundation is based on lies, and it'll be unfortunate for you to go broke and get back to the same messy situation. So, I will advise you make sure you have loads of reserves and pray to God to give you guidance.
Leave! The true test of love is how you treat each other when you are at your lowest point ie in terms of health, financial situations etc. Its so easy to be caring and loving when things are going well!He showed you his true colours by LYING to you throughout your courtship and subsequent marriage (6 FREAKING KIDS? WTF?) and continued with his ill treatment and PHYSICAL ABUSE! Please leave Honey! You will never have peace of mind with a man like this and you deserve better, and your son does also- he deserves a mother who is happy. Rest assure if you lost that job, your hubby would revert back to his old ways.....LEAVE!
err not sure but i dont think you should leave BECAUSE you have stayed through the bad times...girl u've stayed for 10 BIIIGG years AFTER knowing he has 6 kids so why do you want to leave now? besides his evil family have left you and he is acting "good"...the thing i would suggest is to test his trust if he is only being nice/caring because of the good life you have now? if yes then take a walk girl.. also do you still love him?
get moving baby, he doesnt love u he's sober cause of ur new status, if u lose ur joday, which i dont pray for, d beast in him wl rear its hugly head again....take ur child and let him care for his football team and God wl give u a perfect man...u have more than enough on ur plate wt ur siblings and acquitances....let him take care for his too..goodluck
Okay, my advice might seem strange, but this is what i would do.
you need to have a reason for leaving, if you did not leave 3 years ago, the reason needs to be strong and concrete, so let us start a small story here.
apply for a long leave at work, before you commence the leave, tell your husband you have issues at work, something went wrong and they are blaming you blah blah (assuming he has no friends there)when the leave has been approved by your office, drive your car to a friend's house, someone you can trust, and way far away from where you guys resides, then come home crying that you have been sacked and all privileges taken away from you, and you will have to go to court! make it convincing! commence your leave.
you see men will always say things, and most times when we play the fool and want to stay in the relationship, they think they are your MASTER! but when we have the strength to leave, they say you are shagging someone else and they had given you the world!.
Mr 6 children will show you his colour within 2 weeks TOPS! of no car and pocket money (you didn't mention you give him money, but i can bet my life on it that you do!!!) when this happen, he will be frustrated, he will beat you at slightest provocation because his 'MEAL TICKET' has been taken away from him. the moment he lays his finger on you, pack your bags and leave!!! .... Hey and one more thing, I hope you know that he has already fathered another child or two after yours... that's the way it is girl.. act sensible, he will not have the nerves to crawl back to you, hey and mind you, he will say things to you too when you have your fights, you might want to get a voice recorder handy and ready ;)
Good luck to you!
Recently, I went for a wedding and the pastor that conducted e service said ti the couple that ifnthey habve any problems in their home, they should seek advice from their pastor and not friends or relatives. Y am I telling u this? The man of God in the church u believe in is ur spiritual leader and he will be in the best position to advice u..especially if u and ur nubby have been under his care fir a while. We on this site do not know u and the story u have told is purely from ur point of view. Telling u to leave mag not be the best thing for u....what if u loose ur job? WhaT will happen to u? What if u meet someone who is a greater pretender than ur present hubby?....all I can say is that u should speak to ur pastor and pray with him...the picture u have painted of ur hubby to us shows that he is a terrible man...but that is just From ur side if the story...I believe ur pastor will know him better....both of u should seek counseling and try to work it out under the guidance of ur pastor and hopefully God will lead u both in the right path....I pray u find peace in th end...but the advice u will get from us LIB readers may not be the best because it is based on subjective information...good luck in whatever u decide in the end tho.
Sorry bout the typos...I couldn't preview the comment cos I'm using a small pc and it doesn't ve all the proper features...xx
@ANON 10:32, did I just read you writing that this can NEVER happen in Nigeria except rural Nigeria? You even put the 'NEVER' in capital letters to really emphasize that it is impossible. Please, do you know that Tuface Dibia has 5 children (please correct me if I am wrong) from different women? We all got to know this because he is a public figure. Is he a rural Nigerian? Dear, Shit really happens everywhere, rural or urban Nigeria or even other countries. Nothing is new under the sun. The heart of man is truly wicked. As for the lady, your story is touching and ever since I read it, I have been wondering how to advice you. I will not say stay or leave, my question is, what does your heart say? If we all tell you to leave and your heart tells you to stay then you eventually leave because we all say so, then there is every possibility that if he comes begging, you will go back. But if your heart tells you to leave......please follow your heart. It is very important
God turned your situation around and now you are blessed thus considering leaving, is it because of the job you are leaving or the betrayal of the past.
Imagine, you lost your job and all that came with it would you consider leaving????????????
The God that turned your finances around for the better tell HIM to turn your relationship around for the best. You have shown proof that prayer works.
Best wishes
NA WAAAAAAAAA
Three letters:
H.I.V
enough said...
in my opinion, i think u shouldn't even think about it.
Its obvious ur husband is all over u now because of your money.
Make sure you get yourself tested for STDs.
Then leave. Marriage should not be a bondage.
my award goes to anon 3.09pm for the best comment/advice on this unfortunate issue.
God can change anything within a snap of his hand!
I hope that's the advice you take in the end. I pray God give's u the grace and strength to let go of every resentment and betrayal you feel.
Good luck Mrs Malawi.
PS no matter what you do let your child be your next of kin in every single document/account/property etc.
You can help the other 6 kids and in laws if you feel like but as for inheritance it's all for your child.
black women and their advice!...No wonder only whites watched Oprah...(reason, maybe because she made sense)...let's go trick the man and base our relationship on that deceit! why do you have to pretend you have no job and no money to see if he wants you! without a doubt you'd know if he really loves you, pure instincts. Just don't let your emotions overcome those basic instincts!
What dumbasses you are: anon 9.47am and Ms J
Like you prayed for God's help and He gave you your job. Pray again concerning your marriage. Nothing is too small or to big for God and with him the impossible is possible. All you really need is God!
He fathered 6 children while you were together. How long do you think it would be before he brings another woman home?
You got this job because God blessed and answered your prayers due to your husband abuse and to take care of your child. So do just that, take care of yourself and child and most importantly keep your money for yourself and child for anything that can happen in the future. You should stay with him because you've stayed for those 3 yrs and been together 10. If your mind is unsettled ask him questions that have been bothering you all theses years because leaving will still leave your mind unanswered. Allow your husband provide and care like he should and enjoy your life.
So @Anon 3:09 and anon 6:03, it makes more sense to stay in an abusive marriage because she might lose her job abi? What is it with some people and placing marriage above all else? Her husband is abusive, a serial cheat and seems to change colours like a chameleon and you want her to stay with him in case she loses her job? What if he loses his job? Stop talking like humans can not pick themselves up and continue. What if he kicks her out instead.
And stop saying pray like God would come down from heaven and give an answer. You have your brains, use it, THINK. That is why God created it, to help us out.
My dear, since you have financial independence, walk out. It is obviously something you have been considering for a while now. Just be sure to save or start a small business by the side. You are much more than a Mrs. Your happiness and well-being are important. Do not let some one drown you in misery.
if i were you, i would have moved on a long time ago. he doesnt deserve a second chance. he has been deceitful and abusive. the only reason why he is a bit more respectful is because of your status. now why wud u think the love would just come back all of a sudden? have u ever thought of the fact that he would have still been treating you like shit if you hadn't gotten this current job? be wise. it's not worth you staying behind
seriously i think you should call it quits. the fact that he was there for u does not mean... PLSSSSSS call it quits
mehnn that is one FERTILE man! how can you date someone for 4 years and not know he has kids.. not 1 or 2, 6 kids! did it just never come up in the conversation.. but that kind of man can kill some body. hmmm....
if you are feeling bad because he was there for you... move out with your son and be sending ur husband pocket money or whatevr to support him too, but he is HEARTLESS full stop.
I highly suggest you leave him ASAP! Those annonymous people telling you to stay are Nigerian men! They are known to cheat alot and pass on STDS to their wives! Do not listen to them. If it was you that had done what your husband did, the same men will scream for your head and tell your husband to throw you out. But when it is a husband who messed up, they begin to talk rubbish asking you to pray and stay in an abusive relationship. Don't listen to that rubbish. Do you know how many African women die of HIV/AIDS each year which they contracted from their cheating, promiscuous husbands? Did they not pray?
Ms. Malawi, your marraige to him was not meant to be. Every good and perfect gift comes from God. The God I serve will never give a woman a husband that will physically and emotionally abuse her and put her life and overall well being at risk. My mom raised 4very successful kids all by herself with God on her side (while my father left her and was busy chasing women). Today, my mom has a successful career, properties and residential buildings including a school which she built with her own money. If my mom can raise 4 successful kids who are now adults are are all married with kids and have excellent careers, then you can raise your son too and focus on yourself and on your career. We are no longer in the 18th century. Today, women are making strides the world over. You do not need an awful man for a husband who can give you AIDS at any given point in time. Leave that relationship!
@ annoym 8:40. Ur comment is so silly...so she should not pray because God cannot come down and answer her?...wasn't she the one that prayed and God gave her a nu job? Did He come down and hand her the job offer Himself?...abeg don't yarn balls...2ndly...I personally dont no y she is posting such personal info here...cos no one knows the ril situation here and even if everyone tells her to go...how do we know we r telling her the right thing when the info we have is one sided...lady, I think u need to speak wiv people that r close to u and know the WHOLE situation...and pray also...because God gave u the job...if u dint have it..will u be considering leaving him?...also..u
knew he had six kids and it wasn't too much of an issue for u when u were broke because u stayed with him even after
u knew it...so y is it suddenly giving u sleepless nights
now?...my dear seek advise from ur pastor and pray more
that God will help u reach the right decision..because no
one on this blog knows the full situation which is y most people r shouting leave leave leave because most of them
r either unmarried, or do not fully comprehend the gravity of a divorce (based on what the bible says since it is clear thzt u r a christian) and what it will mean for ur child as
well...please make sure ur decision in the end is reached
after consideration has been given to ur child.. Goodluck.
1) Secure your child's future. Put some money in a bank available to only your child at maybe 18. our husband does not need to know.
2) Make sure you save such that if anything happens, you will not be reliant on your husband in the future.
3) For now, I would advise that you stay with your husband. You can pray to God to help you. It's not like you are in an abusive situation at the moment. Stay, pray, protect yourself. Maybe you can do a HIV test as well, it might be tough but do it for your child. Communicate with your husband and try to sow seeds of change in his life. Don't listen to anyone that tells you to pack out. He didn't marry you for your money (teaching job you gave up and from which you couldn't have saved much because you were supporting your siblings etc). Appeal to that thing he saw in you that made him decide to marry you.
All the best.
Chineke!oooo. What! in the world were you doing while dating that you could not find all these out and couldn't get anybody to tell you? He probably is married to some other women legally. Babe, Please God will strengthen you, but take a walk for now and get your acts together. Have your baby and move on to better things. The guy is a creep and a coward. Whatever he plans to achieve by treating you this way is not what finding out. Get the hell outta his smelly life!
SHE CAN'T BE SERIOUSLY ASKING IF SHE SHOULD LEAVE? IS SHE FOR REAL? THE "....beating me up and not allowing me to contribute as to how to run our family, seeking advice from his parents before doing anything" WASN'T ENOUGH FOR YOU, ON TOP OF 6 KIDS WITH OTHER WOMEN? YOU STILL NEED HELP FIGURING IT OUT? SMFH!!! SOME QUESTIONS HAVE VERY SIMPLE ANSWERS. AND YES I UNDERSTAND I HAVEN'T ANSWERED YOUR QUESTION, THATS BECAUSE I KNOW YOU KNOW THE ANSWER TO YOUR OWN QUESTION. GOOD LUCK!
@ Anon 6:48pm, read the story properly and try to at least understand it, and give your advice if you have any, rather than criticize the advice of other people. if knowing that this guy has fathered 6 kids after she has married him, he is most definitely a smooth talker/operator.
The relationship on the man's part is deceitful(duuuh, you should know that)and it is not a test to see if he wants her or not,it is the means to a clean END! therefore, it is not a test like you concluded, it is a way to an escape that is glaring to both parties!this is Africa where lots of mediators are involved, she needs to have a clean exit and not give room for any reconciliation! so mr or mrs smart ass,why not give her your own two cents? afterall she asked for 'our advice/suggestions'
take a long walk my dear and don't look back, you and your son deserve some happiness. he is still the father of your son so he can come looking for him when need be. you need to be happy!!
Look very well before you leap O!
As for me i cant stand it o! Tomorrow you see some grown up children fighting for what is not their father's.
ma dear, am not a relationship expert but i wont suggest you leave. you said yourself that dis man was caring to you while you had nothing meaning he loved you. while i dont know why he changed a sure deres a logical reason /or not to the change in his behaviour. if you had stayed with him for 10 bad years,i dont see why you shouldnt stay with him for the good times.
please involve God in this. only him can show you the way.
Lady, you stayed put when you knew he had 6 kids, you stayed put when there was abuse going on. I know some people can be deceitful but a man with 6 (say it with me, SIX) children, you dated him for 4 years and you had no idea...none?? He became a ruthless, abusive man overnight? It is too late to do the "you should have done xyz".
Your letter is confusing to me because after going through the bad times, you now want to leave. You say it is based on the fact that you do not have peace of mind. Ok, ask yourself...what will it take to get peace of mind? I will tell you...you are the only one that knows the answer. Peace of mind is relative, it is an individual thing. For once, take some steps and own up to them. You have gone everywhere to seek advise for this relationship but it seems you have not looked within to get the answer. You are a Christian right? Sometimes when we ask God for answers, He puts the solution in our hearts. It takes good listening ears and faith to take the step. You are cluttering your mind will answers from everywhere else and not paying attention to what you really want to do. My definition of peace of mind in such a situation is way different from yours. If this was a situation of "I just married him 2 months ago and found out about his 70 other children", then we could all butt in and scream "get out of dodge". 10yrs is too much to put up with nonsense like this but only you know why you stayed. If you feel this is the right time to up and leave and you feel God has blessed your decision and you feel peace with your decision...ngwanu, find your way out of the house.
I apologize if I sound harsh but you cast blame on this man while you sat there for 14yrs and allowed yourself to be treated badly. Once again, I do not know the full story so I am coming at it from the bits you have given us.
I guess I am glad you have woken up now but as I said earlier the answer lies in YOU!! Wishing you all the best with your decision.
my dear please leave o, as i was reading ur story, i was expecting a horrible end and nxt thing bam! u got a job and things turned around. please run o, get a life with your son, six kids????? i am sooo sure he is not done.
you need a man that will appreciate you and please he was never there 4 u b4 marriage, he was busy making babies with oda women, immediately he "accquired" you his true colours surfaced.
please think about the option of Ms J i think it may help and pray about this fervently the Almighty God will intervene in this situation...
Yet another reason why I always tell my lil sister to make her millions before packing into any yeye man's house. Lack of money always ends in I have to stay put or suffer.
What a load of rubbish!
DUMB HIS BROKE ASS AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR FREAKING LIFE! THIS ONE DON'T DESERVE NO FREAKING SECOND OR THIRD CHANCE!
Punto en boca!
What God has put together, let no man put asunder. Me, I will not tell you to leave your husband and I will not tell you to stay. You are the one wearing the shoes, you alone know where it pinches you.
The people telling you to trick him into showing you his true colors must not have read your story very well because I think my man has been true to himself from get go: from having children without telling you to allowing his relatives treat you badly. You tried to give a fair picture by saying that he helped you during your mother's passing by paying for the cost and supporting you while you took care of all the children that your mom was caring for So he is not ENTIRELY bad.
This is NOT an easy decision to make, you should think carefully through it and ask yourself if his current actions are GENUINE because that switch around was too timed too conveniently! Was he being mean to you out of frustration because times were hard for you and now that things are better, he's realized the errors of his ways? Is this man a good example for your son? If you son grew up to do what his father has done to his wife, would you be happy as a mother? Did you ever think about leaving BEFORE you got this great job?
Think long, think hard and in the meantime, save your money to help support whatever decision you make concerning you and especially your child!
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