Dear LIB Readers: He Wants Children, I Don't. | Welcome to Linda Ikeji's Blog

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Friday, 29 July 2011

Dear LIB Readers: He Wants Children, I Don't.

I am a divorced mother of three. I have been dating this wonderful guy since last year and now he wants us to get married. He has no children of his own and he says he wants at least two.The problem is, I don't want any more children, besides I just turned forty. I don't want to lose him because he loves me, he's good to my children, and he's a good man. Good men are so hard to find these days, but I can't give him what he wants. What do I do? Please share my dilemma with your readers. I need advice.

66 comments:

Anonymous said...

It best to speak to him, so that you both can arrive at a compromise.Try not to make any decision that will be detremental to both of you.

Anonymous said...

I understand your situation but you dont seem like you really love this man. You seem to be considering only what is good for you How can you explain this?
now put yourself in his shoes, if the reverse is the case, i mean if you are in his shoes would you be happy if He tells you he does not want children?

If you really love him, then you must make him happy!
Give him his children or you release him to go and marry and have his Children. May be you would be better off with gigilos or guys looking for sugar mummy.

Anonymous said...

I really feel u but please for d sake of love,agree to his terms.Stop being selfish,remember he doesn't have any child at all,both of u could at least agree to having one more child so he will at least taste fatherhood.If u hadn't any child,u for agree sharp sharp,now prove ur love for him and go down dat ''lane'' one more time.

Anonymous said...

Have children for him or he will get from outside which would be more hurtful. marriage is love, wisdom and compromise!

Smart kid said...

uhmm...except ur middle name is beyonce?...i really don't see why you don't want kids..P

Anonymous said...

If the tables were turned am sure you'd leave him in a hearbeat. If you don't want to have children then my advice is to date men that already have kids.

But as for your current relationship, you need to submit to your man's authority. If he wants kids, then you must have kids.

Sugabelly said...

Get a surrogate and have her implanted with embryos from your eggs and his sperm.

End of story. I don't know why people don't just think.

kofy said...

omo.....its best to give him kids..even if its one.....try to be considerate

Anonymous said...

I'm not married yet but I can use common sense for this question. Its better u tell him now cos u can't except him nt to have kids at all, that will be so selfish of u cos u have urs. Even if he agrees, do u think u'll have an easy ride wit ur in-laws? They won't like the whole idea. If u really love him, u'll tell him n let him go if u can't have his kids.

Anonymous said...

Angelina jolly dey take orther country children and still dey born her own, love who love u, or call your village meeting.

NaijaBelle said...

In my opinion, it is selfish of you to deny the guy children but still want to stay with him. Let him go so he can find someone else who can give him what he wants. Either that or give him a baby and hope for twins the first time around. You can always sweeten the deal by negotiating a tummy tuck and boob lift when it's all said and done. Your body will be good as new. See, it's easy!

Anonymous said...

it's a tine line between love and hate, so get belle quick, are u suppose to be asking questions, my friend swallow belle quick quick,

just saying said...

this wicked woman release jor see single men being wasted on people like u . hisssss Imagine a man never having kids of his own.

Cannime said...

It all about compromise.. i dnt think anyone here can help.. Both of you have to talk about it and decide what you really want. True love always finds ways to compromise. All the best.

Anonymous said...

pls my frnd give him children or leave him alone to search someoneelse

Anonymous said...

Give him one and tie your womb!!!!

Anonymous said...

Shut and born the pikin.

Anonymous said...

The key point is that if he really love you and your kids, he should take them as his full stop. Why is he considering a woman of 40yrs to have kids for him. I actually question his reason for asking u to have kids for him. Is he suggesting he does not totally accept your kids as his?

Anonymous said...

A woman of forty and a divorcee fining a single guy without children and wanting to marry him. What do you think? That he will marry you and just adopt your children as his own without seeking his? If you were both merging families then i understand. As an African woman, if the shoe was on the other foot will you agree? Most men will not even want to see your children in their house. But this one is willing to take all you baggage and love you, but you dont want to give him his hearts desire. Please abeg, just pack to the other side and leave him alone. A lot of women are looking for good men out there. Especiallt the ones without baggage and you are complaining. It is good to know what you want when you are getting into a relationship, and communicate with your partner. At least he would have known and left you alone if he knew your plans. You should just stick to dating casually and not seek marriage except you and your partner are on the same page. You and this guy are simply not compatible.

Loudmouthed said...

@just saying, you cracked me up man. lol.. Just like my boss says, "some people are marrying their third husbands, others are begging for one"..lol..

I think relationship is all about compromise, you have to meet him at the middle. Even if it is only one.

Anonymous said...

You're selfish, he's not. Your letter is filled with ME, ME, ME. Since you only want to do what you want without any compromise, then you should go look for somebody else after all you don't love him...you only thing he's good for you but not good enough.

*ajalahtravel*

Anonymous said...

Wow at all you people telling her she is selfish. You are all products of BACKWARD society where you think men come first. She just said she already has THREE kids. And she is FORTY. Meaning there is a higher likelihood of problems.
It is your body. Tell him how you feel. But you dont have to make him 'happy' by having kids. You dont owe him anything. Love does not mean upsetting yourself. If he goes then he isnt for you. Dont do what you arent happy with.

Anonymous said...

You need to ask yourself what is the real reason, "Why you don't want kids with your boyfriend?" Your a women with baggage and you found a good and lovely man to you and your kids. Which speaks volume at the kind of love he has for u & your kids and it shows the type of man he is. Please sit down and speak with him about maybe one child and if your age (if that is a factor). Otherwise, let me go there's a scarcity of men and good men in Naija and worldwide. : )

Madame Sting said...

@Sugabelly: Those things cost a lot of money. It's not as easy as u think.

Relationships are all about compromise. Find one that works for both of you.

Anonymous said...

I think you are been selfish,i read someone talking of she having 3kids and been forty, then what was she thinking dating a guy without kids, esp in Africa,this one is not about pleasing or not pleasing, he wants his own kids doesn't mean he does not love hers, afterall he accepted her and her kids, pls give him at least one or let him go, cos truly this will just be the beginning of ur troubles.

Anonymous said...

its not a dilemma....she is selfish period! unless she is unable to have kids anymore....The man deserves atleast 1 child!!! and this woman will want this guy to play daddy with hers ? she is absolutely joking! if she cannot sacrifice....i doubt the guy is for her for keeps......

my advise...get married to him and bear him a child..(if he is lucky..it can be twins sef!!!)

if she insists...abeg make she free the man o...let him go born his own pickins......
Anyway unless d man be mumu....he no need advise....

Enuf said

Anonymous said...

If you can't give him children; tell him, let him decide what he wants to do. Remember that part of his happiness depends on having his own kids- so don't expect him to stay with you after you tell him. Be prepared to lose him because you can't give him what he wants and needs. I think it would be selfish of you to marry him and not give him children(what he wants). You have your own. Think a little selfless here.

buukey96 said...

There is no case here, birds of the same feather should flock together, go and look for your own guy with 5 kids that needs a companion. Can you kindly release the man for me am single and searching and able to give him all the kids he want, thank you.

Anonymous said...

the guy is dumb; what is he doing with a 40 year old woman if he seriously want children. I think he is just screwing her and promising her marriage but will eventually bail. No be guy like me?
--Gbenga

Anonymous said...

To born pikin is NOT BY FORCE. Stop bullying the woman.
And you woman, tell your man how you feel and let the chips fall where they may. After all if you die tomorrow having another child, he will quickly marry someone else.

Jolade said...

I am sorry to say but you are a very selfish woman. Didnt you know he will want kids of his own before you decided to date him? You are even blessed to have a single man with no extra bags. Please wake up and smell the coffee. So many single ladies out there with no man and you found yourself a good man and you misbehaving. The best thing is to let him go if you dont want more kids and look for someone else that already has kids and doesnt want more as well. Wait till the man's mum finds out that you dont want anymore kids. she will swear for you. Put one of your children in this gentleman's shoes.

Anonymous said...

to those saying he doesn't love this dude...do you guys even consider the fact that when all ths is said and done, the chic will have 5 kids, and the dude only 2. is that fair?

Anonymous said...

backward folks on this site...it's pathetic...you lot are sounding as if those 3 kids from the prior marriage don't count. she should have never dated a single guy w/o kids. i blame her for that. omo 3 kids is a lot of work, then belle at 40 for a guy that only God knows if he will stick around for the long haul...i tell her to bounce o.

Sapele Babe in Lagos said...

Why don't you want to have any morter kids? Did your doctor advise you against it or yoi just think 3 is too much already. My dear,if at 40 you just got married,you go born abi you no go born? Have you reached menoPause? If the answer is no,abeg my sister,even if you do not love him,just to say Thank You for all he has been to you and your kids,Rush 2 sharp sharp for the guy.There are capable gynae in this country who can handle any complications that may arise as a result of old age but hey! Who says 40 is old these days?there are so many 40ish still believing God for their husbands,dem no go born? How old was Sarah again when she had Isaac? So dearie,like I said before,Quick rush 2 for d guy.

Anonymous said...

Abeg give am pikin

Anonymous said...

Abegi Free the maga

Anonymous said...

Go and look 4 fathers and not boyz.cos ur love for him is cos he is takein care of ur kids.

Anonymous said...

The responses on this post have made me lost all hope for Nigerians. Its so sad. We need a new way of thinking or that country will just continue to go down. Hypocrites, one and all!!

Anonymous said...

na you buy market.

Anonymous said...

It's so easy to understand why men disrespect women. "Baggage"? Why do you refer to her Children as baggage? Does having Children make her deficient in anyway?

Anonymous said...

Putting it plain and simple: Just put yourself in his shoes for 2 seconds then honestly answer your letter.
A single young woman would not be so happy to succumb to the wishes of a divorcee because he has his own children (unless she does not want any of her own or she can not have any of her own).

Be realistic, I wish you all the best.

Kemiismyrealname said...

Naija people! No-one has bothered to ask why she is refusing to have more children. Selfish this, selfish that! Jesus. Why do people always jump to strange conclusions?

The mouth speaks what the heart thinks.

Anonymous said...

Girl You better go to the gym and start working out in preparation of popping them kids out !!! It is only two he is asking for. Just make sure he can take care of his own kids and show love and care to yours. Age is but a number and you will be fine in the end.

Anonymous said...

How is she selfish? Why isn't he selfish for wanting her to have more babies? Its not like he has to carry or put to bed himself. And we all know mothers dey do most of the child-rearing. She doesn't want to have another baby. She already don born 3 and she is 40. I don't even want to have kids in Naija's ill equipped hospitals and im only 26. I can't imagine putting to bed when i am of age of high risk pregnancy. mscheeeeeewwww

And is it by force that the guy have kids. Abeg, let them discuss the matter before we start calling people names.

As for pleasing the husband...if it pleased your husband for you to leap from Aso Rock does that mean you should do it????? Marriage is a partnership not an "i finally got a husband now let me bend down and kiss his feet because he is a man and head of the house". Nonsense

Anonymous said...

Leave HIM alone!!!! People need to stop being selfish and start knowing what they want! We can't always eat our cake and have it! I guarantee you marry the dude and there will definitely be serious problems in that marriage in future!

Anonymous said...

Gbenga 10:52 pm Gbam!
I know of a lady in a similar situation.Immediately the woman got pregnant, the guy bailed leaving her with an extra mouth to feed in addition to her other kids.The guy might be looking for excuses not to marry her knowing how much she doesn't want more kids but doesn't want to lose the shagging.
Ladies shine your eye o!Naija guys no dey carry last!

Anonymous said...

Funny comments! @Sugarbelly, a British surrogate refused to hand over the baby to the parents after she was paid.

If this woman gave birth thrice by caesarian section, would anybody tell her to have another one in a country without modern hospital equipment?

Can the man produce? She should be diplomatic with him because he may have a low sperm count anyway.

Courtship is a game sometimes, what if she finds out he does have children that he refused to claim during pregnancy?

She should enjoy the game till it last. He should be the one to end the affair unless he is under a love charm. Mugu!

Anonymous said...

@anon 7:18 AM, u are saying it from d womens side, just imagine the guy was ur brother, think again. as for giving birth in nigeria or wherever, woman have, and will still give birth withstanding of location. its God that protect. u need to watch a show called "i did not know i was pregnant" and see women givin birth without any help, whereas pple that have know forever, gone to the best hospital still lose their babies. my dear its God. Also there are very good hospitals in Nigeria.

Anonymous said...

Something must be wrong with all of you calling her selfish, she does not want to born pickin again na by force?
And so what if she is selfish? her husband whom she married in her youth has just abandoned her, so if you ask me she has every right to be selfish now. Right now she should think about HER,AND HER KIDS.

Her husband left her with 3 kids what makes u think this guy wont leave her again?
@ her age she is more at risk during pregnancy, if she gives birth to an autistic kid can u guarantee the man will be there with her?
MADAM LEAVE THE GUY AND LOOK FOR SOMEONE ELSE WHO IS ALSO DIVORCED AND HAS KIDS, THAT WAY U WONT BE UNDER UNNECESSARY PRESSURE.

Galore said...

Sorry Mrs,,,,i feel you,,you are afraid of bein pregnant,,cus you are 40,,,it does nt matter if you go to a good hospital......bcos this Man too wants to feel like a Daddy,,agreed that he loves your kids,,but he needs his own too..,that would make him feel like a Man....and you know We Nigerians,,with extended family crap,,they would come and disturb him,,that may be you have given him "Efo Riro" to eat

Anonymous said...

Dear Writer,
I can empathise with you. Have a full and honest discussion with your man but bear in mind that it might result in an ending of the relationship
Do not build a relationship on deceit; if you don't want children anymore, you don't. If he does, then 'two cannot walk together except they agree'.
If you both cannot agree on this then as harsh as this might sound, you shouldn't be together.
Most importantly, what does God want? What is He saying to you...be honest to yourself and bear in mind that if you build on a false foundation, you're setting yourself and your children up for future failure.
Finally, marriage is not the end of all things, God is. Put Him first and every other thing will fall into place.
God bless

Anonymous said...

For those of us who feel the need to be abusive, cruel, sarcastic and mean when giving advice...check yourself.
One day it might be you who needs a kind word and all you will get will be the daggers that you've thrown at others.
Think - what if God treated us the way we treat others even in our speech? We ask for His help and He throws a lightning bolt at your head before He replies, how many of us will still be living?
Let us season our speech before we speak. You can disagree with someone without curses, sarcasm or abuse except you have no kindness in you because no one ever showed any.
Then learn, learn how to disagree, advice, give your opinion constructively...it will go a longer way than your negative words.
Remember, you will reap what you sow...it might not be WHERE you sow it but you will definitely reap it. So those of you who love to throw negativity around without thought, get ready, it's coming right back at you when you most need love

j said...

For you guys crying blue murder are you aware that birth defects in older women increases with age?
At age 40, 1 in 100
At 45, 1 in 30
At 49, 1 in 10

Pls she has a right not to want another child at her age its her body
after going through 3 pregnancies myself ,thunder fire the man who will want another kid from me
simple,see una mouth as if carrying a baby for 9 months is easy,then being in labor and pushing and then nursing again for almost 2 years,you think is dodo
dont get me started on childrens school fees almost reaching 1m per anum per child.


I have a friend who had her baby at 36,today the daughter has cerebral palsy and lets just say its taking the grace of God to keep her happy,the time,effort ,money and attention and traveling around for medical help is draining her spiritually ,mentally etc

pls shes not being selfish
If the child has downs syndrome na for your hose them go come drop the pikin
puhlease

Keke said...

Why the drama...if u dont want anymore children be forthcoming and say so to him..doesnt he know u are 40 and is demanding 2 kids???..well this day and age at 40 you can still bear more children....just be upfront about ur concerns!!!

Ada said...

I'll keep reading for d comments...
I am of d opinion dat she has to consider his needs for fathering a child too. n @Anon 8.40 u just blew me away wit ur total ignorance...i can almost hear u shouting dose words out:
'...The key point is that if he really love you and your kids, he should take them as his full stop...'
Seriously??? u forget he is human too. As someone who was raised by a Step-parent along wit one biological parent, I sure as hell bless God very dearly for allowing both my parents to feel biological parental connections in their lifetime especially since it was what they both wanted. There were two of us b4 d second marriage n two more after, n no one felt rejected...dere was a long wait b4 d other 2 additions n certainly no feeling of rejection. maybe occasionally, Yes, ur mind plays tricks on u esp when dere's a disagreement in d house, but as u grow u can certainly tell who truly loves u or not...so ur point bout him not loving her simply cos he wants to have his own kids is just total ignorance as far as i'm concerned....

P.S, One parent is dead n we're left wit d Step parent n life has been as good as God has not let us crumble...we're going strong...Her children need a father, n she a husband, n all dat should matter is whether dis man is good enough for d job...Capish! God bless us all.

Ceejay said...

Please ma'am if you have decided not to have children, then so be it. But you can't have it both ways.

Hotnigerianews said...

Don't know what to say, just going to ask both of you to sort it out. I know love can do un-imaginable things.

Anonymous said...

Please vote for Number 3 his name is Mattijs.

http://www.brunottisummertour.com/

Lets do this for our 9ja boy.


God Bless...
Thanks

CHARLES said...

PLEASE LET HIM KNOW YOUR MIND AND IF HE DON'T WANT THEN YOU LEAVE HIM ALONE AND FORGET ABOUT THE LOVE.
AS A MAN, I WILL NOT MARRY A LADY WHO WILL PERSONALLY TELL ME THAT SHE WILL NOT GIVE ME MY OWN CHILD, NO IS NOT FOR ME AND THINK IF YOU ARE THE ONE IN HIS POSSESSION.

CHARLES.

Anonymous said...

Dear Lady, it is better you are alive to look after the children GOD gave you, rather than put your live to risk because he wants more children. Guess he is younger and that is what you get for dating a younger boy. If he is older at over 40 and not yet married before, then check him well before you make decisions.

Just some points for you to take away.

Disdvantages:
**** Chances of loosing your life is high.

**** Chances of having a deformed child is high.

**** Chances are that the relationship may hit the rock again and leave you with more children.

Advantage:
you both love each other. He loves your children.

********* sweetheart, you are not being selfish by considering the pros and cons, the cons are farrrrr to much more than the pro which is only because of love. Have you heard this before? "there is a thin line between love and hate" My dear haven't you heard of the bestest marriage based on love packing up and what makes you think you are an exception? Marriage is good if both parties can manage the challenges without putting their lives to risk.


**** most of you who called her selfish are the dumb ones who did not put her into consideration and the possible risks associated with more births.

Marriage is half way dearies, never put you life in life for anyone! I am happily married and know what it takes to nurture a marriage of almost 10yrs without a child yet.

Final verdict! let him get someone else to have children for him and you look for a man not wanting more kids. I know a couple like that my dear it is bliss because they are best friends spending their money on the god side of life.

Anonymous said...

First of all might be a way of letting the woman go. Secondly the woman should let him have kids, his own kids. Plssssssssss!!!

14ME said...

I UNDERSTAND UR POINT BUT IT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE GETTING MARRIED TO HIM WITHOUT GIVING HIM A CHILD AT LEAST.SO THINK WELL

Nonye said...

Everyone is saying have children, have children!! what about the health implications for the woman?? can she carry at 40?? there are lots of risks o! thats medically sha..... besides she didnt set out for marriage, she started out just dating the guy and now he wants to marry and hv kids... well I say, risk it or leave it!

wivesroundtable said...

We get to a point in life when we NEED to sit down, really think of what we want, look at the scenerios in questions, imagine the outcome of each path we might choose and then make choices. Truth is, no one can make this choice for you, noone can tell u what to do. We can only help u lay all the cards on the table.

Lets look at scene one:
You dont give him any kid(s), he grows incontent and walks away. will you be able to carry on ur life with your 3 kids as u were doing b4 he came in2 your life? Would u say 'oh i should have given him what he wants cos i am so lonely now'? Would u feel terrible when u see him later hapilly married to someone else and with kids?

Scene 2:
You compromise and give him at least 1 child. You talk with him and tell him that it is risky, medically, for you to have another and he should understand that u sacrificed so much to give him the one you did. you guys go on with life happily and normally

Someone might say 'what if he leaves you after u have compromised?' nothing in life is certain. life itself is a risk, we take risks everyday.you husband with whm u had 3 kids left u, but i guess u would do it all over to have those ur 3 kids again.
Truth is,we have to make sacrifices in every form of relationship we find ourselves.these sacrifices dont always come as easy. so my dear, sacrifice for him (if he is as wonderful as u say he is then i am sure u dont want to lose him)

Read of another woman's plight who dosent want to have kids YET cos she wants to advance her career to a level but her husband does.

http://www.wivesroundtable.net/topic6-should-i-get-pregnant-cos-he-wants-me-to.aspx

Good luck girl

mariamah said...

You are being selfish, u want to eat your cake and have it.You better leave him alone, so he can meet some one else who will fulfill his heart desires. What you are looking for is a care taker, OLE.

Anonymous said...

Wow, the comments on this are absolutely unbelievable. It's not selfish of him to want children of his own, and it's not selfish of her to not want anymore children. It's up to them, both free agents and masters of their destiny, to decide whether or not there's room for compromise.

Calling her a "woman with baggage," as if she should just be pitifully grateful for any love anyone bestows upon her, and should have no self-respect and consideration for her own needs... is absurd. The idea she MUST give him children is absurd.

You can love someone and still not be compatible with them. Two people can love each other and have completely divergent needs that make it so that they can't be together.

My advice: Tell him how you feel. Let him process it and decide what he wants to do. Be firm about your needs. He should do the same.

I've gotta add... at 40 it's possible you may not be able to have children without fertility treatment. Just because some people are able to have children at that age, doesn't mean that everyone can. It's funny that people who respond and act like having a baby at 40 is "no big deal." It can be difficult, and it's riskier than having them younger. Your boyfriend should be made aware of this if he isn't already. Sometimes people want things in a romantic, thinking-about-the-future sense, and when they realize it's not as practical as they thought, they reconsider.

But if he really, really, knows what he wants, be prepared to let him go. It's understandable that he'd want children of his own, and he has a right to pursue the future that he wants. I'm sorry that there isn't an easy answer.

Best of luck.

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