Hi Linda, my name is Titi, this is my story and i would like you to publish it so i can get advice. I am a 19 year old student currently studying law in one of the top universities in the United kingdom. Although 19 i look like im in my 20's. My friends describe me as 'an extremely nice generous person' I come from a well to do family and i have never lacked anything in life. Im writing this in tears because im ashamed of myself but at the same time cant stop it.
Right from a very young age i was molested by several men and some of these men i still see till today and some i even have to call 'uncle'. When people ask me if im a virgin i dont know what answer to give them say no im not a virgin i lost my virginity when i was 5 or i truly lost my virginity right when i was 16 because i honestly dont know the answer to that question myself.
Right from age 13 i started dating older men find it very difficult to date guys my age. When i do find guys my age something always goes wrong and i always end up messing up and pushing them away. My friends make fun of the fact that i date only older guys but they dont know that it hurts me that i do date older guys. they dont know just how old these guys are because i even lie to them about it. I have to keep secrets and lie to my best friends, my family because im not proud of who I am.
My life makes me cry and sad because i know i smile everyday but im dying slowly inside. i have 3 major problems. My friends boyfriend seem to always want to get with me and it makes me sad because im like why do the try this with me is it the way i carry myself or portray myself. Second problem is i find it very difficult to say no to men and it makes me wonder if its related to the harassment i have suffered in the past. yes im only 19 but i have had sex with at least 20 different men and its not that i do it because i get pleasure from it because i actually hate sex.
Thirdly i am a hypocrite because i abuse girls when im talking with my friends of doing the exact same thing i do. I accuse them and abuse them of sleeping with men old enough to be their fathers for money and material things. i try to convince myself that im not with these men because of material things or anything but because i genuinely like them as i dont ever ask these men for money or any thing. I am currently dating a 48year old man who i honestly and genuinely love not because of money or anything even though he is a billionaire. I decided to write this because on my train back to birmingham from spending the week with him in london. it hit me that although I honestly love him he probably doesn't care about me at all and is only with me because of sex and it made me wake up and ask my self questions. I have no reason to be with him because sex is not amazing with him, i dont ask him for money or things as im not a materialistic person at all. So why do i do it? Do i look at these men as my father as my father is dead?
I am honestly and genuinely scared that im never going to find true love or go for a guy my age or that if i eventually do fall in love with a guy my age my past will catch up with me. This deeply worries me as im scared that i'll drag my family's name in the mud as i love my family so much and would never do anything to hurt them. I have tried my best to stop this. Please help me .
I know this story is not well written as i rushed to do it but please publish it.