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Thursday, 2 December 2010

"Like your man, but don't love him" Christy Essien Igbokwe

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"I will say to them that it is a woman that can keep her home because no man is perfect. But the secret is this, don’t love your man o, but like him very much so that you can tolerate and accommodate his naughtiness and for the children’s sake. Don’t love in order not to be disappointed. Love deals with the heart but liking with the head. Above all, God’s divine hand is essential." Legendary singer, Christy Essien Igbokwe said when asked to advise young women looking to get married.

She's been married for 29 years, so I'm sure she knows what she's talking about. Only I can't marry a man I like very much...I have to love him toh bad! :-)

Is this sound advice really? Don't love your man so you don't get disappointed?

31 Comments:

  • At 3 December 2010 at 01:42 , Anonymous tplusf said...

    yes... na fact be that oo

    the moment you fall in love and love a man... you get disappointed because you will not understand him but you have to be forgiving and tolerant!

    so, like alot and love a little... the relationship will definitely withstand the chaos that follows!!!

     
  • At 3 December 2010 at 02:00 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Hmmm

     
  • At 3 December 2010 at 03:45 , Blogger Nigerian Film and TV Addict said...

    i agree...but it's hard for women not to love...we r more emotional, but if i had my way i wud like a man very much and not love to much and hope for the worst so if anything happens i don't end up in a bad state..but like i said it's really hard

     
  • At 3 December 2010 at 08:31 , Blogger doll said...

    i dont know about this one o!

     
  • At 3 December 2010 at 09:41 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Well said ma'am!....but the TRUTH always is bitter!

     
  • At 3 December 2010 at 10:35 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    According to the bible she is sort of right. the bible says men LOVE ur wife as christ LOVES the church and wife RESPECT ur husband (NO WER IN THE BIBLE DOES IT SAY WIFE LOVE UR HUSBAND). i am not saying that u sldnt love ur husband but let him love u more and u respect him.

     
  • At 3 December 2010 at 10:36 , Anonymous JUST BEING HONEST said...

    I agree totally with her..LINDAAAA be WISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

     
  • At 3 December 2010 at 11:54 , Anonymous 9jaLife said...

    Lol @ she knows what she's talking about.

    Is it the quantity of years a person has been married or the quality of their marriage that qualifies them as being able to give advice?

    Everyone is different, but if a woman agrees to settle for her man being engaged in bed hopping, more power to her.

     
  • At 3 December 2010 at 13:23 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Love him please, but don't totally trust him. I think it's when you completely trust a man that you are prone to being disappointed. Love helps to sustain all those irritating things he does!

     
  • At 3 December 2010 at 14:50 , Anonymous Olanrewaju David Mayowa said...

    Often times when this kind of advice is given, it is usually based on one's experience(s). I believe she said, "Do not love your husband but like him so you wont be disappointed" based on her experience and that should not be taken as a general rule. The best and most formidable advice to take heed to is that given by the progenitor of marriage himself - God, which is contained in the holy scriptures called The Bible.

     
  • At 3 December 2010 at 15:11 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    i have been married over 10 yrs and i love my husband. the key to a happy marriage is both parties have to work and commit to the relationship.also ladies marry a man that truly love and cherish u. marriage is a beautiful thing

     
  • At 3 December 2010 at 16:22 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    a word is enuff for d wise

     
  • At 3 December 2010 at 16:33 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    I guess what she was trying to say is that love can make you lose you head and do things you would not normally do. I think her advice is sound- it is better to think with your head than with your heart! Love is important but it is not the most important quality in a relationship- respect, honesty and communication are very very important; you may find that you love someone but can't communicate with the person; what is the point if you love your man but don't respect him?

     
  • At 3 December 2010 at 17:10 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    being married for 29 yrs means nothing.Some marriages are rotten despite their age.
    This advice is crap.
    marry the man/woman you love but it is no guarantee.
    All dey God hand.

     
  • At 3 December 2010 at 17:14 , Anonymous Domkatbali said...

    Like ur Woman but make u no Luv her!

     
  • At 3 December 2010 at 17:17 , Anonymous ChiChiLuv said...

    Well, what works for auntie Christy can not work for everyone! I MUST love AND like my husband. You can love someone but not like them and vice versa. I think the point she is trying to get across is that you should not LOSE yourself to a man so completely that you turn into a door mat. I think that it is important to love, respect and adore your husband with all your heart BUT your head must still be in control especially when it comes to making important decisions concerning your life and your children.

    My two rusty shillings

     
  • At 3 December 2010 at 19:15 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Who knows what she has endured....Our Naija women sacrificed their feelings for the 'security' of marriage. These days, unless you are nearing 40 and are desperate, Some women just don't have the patience to stay put while their men get 'naughty' and come home with infections which they pass on to their wives and household.
    Each to her own family...nothing is impossible for God

     
  • At 3 December 2010 at 19:29 , Blogger *the* chatter*box* said...

    i think she means friendship...and she is right you do need to like your other half in as much you love them.

     
  • At 3 December 2010 at 20:03 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    I HAVE SO MUCH RESPECT FOR MRS ESSIEN IGBOKWE THAT IT HURTS ME TO A COMMENT SHE MADE IN ALL SINCERITY TO BE DISSECTED THIS WAY.

    SHE COULD HAD SAID WHAT PEOPLE WOULD LIKE TO HEAR AND NO ONE WOULD HAD BEEN THE WISER, FOR THOSE THAT WANT TO HEED HER ADVICE, GOOD FOR YOU.

    29YEARS OF MARRIAGE IN NIGERIA IS NO BEANS O! THE RATE OF DIVORCE IS ON THE INCREASE EVERYDAY BECAUSE MANY WERE EXPECTING A FAIRY TALE MARRIAGE...'AND THEY LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER'....WHICH IN THIS COUNTRY IS A MIRAGE! SO MANY FACTORS WORK AGAINST THE INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE IN THIS COUNTRY; IN-LAWS TROUBLE, FINANCIAL CONSTRAINTS AND GOD FORBIDS IF THERE IS NO PATTER OF FEET YET IN A MARRIAGE AFTER SOME YEARS AND SEE IF THE LOVE WE ARE TALKING SO MUCH ABOUT WOULD KEEP THE MARRIAGE INTACT!

    OUR FOREFATHERS MARRIED WITHOUT LOVE, BUT OUT OF MUTUAL RESPECT BETWEEN FAMILIES, AND SUCH MARRIAGES LAST LONGER THAN OUR PRESENT DAY MARRIAGES.

    IF COUPLES CLAIM TO LOVE EACH OTHER, WHY WOULD THE MEN CHEAT WITH ANOTHER WOMAN? OR THE WOMAN DO LIKEWISE? TO ME, IT'S BETTER TO THINK WITH ONE'S HEAD THAN HEART.

    AND WITH MY MANY YEARS OF INTERACTION WITH COUPLES, I FOUND OUT THAT MARRIAGES WHERE THE MAN LOVES THE WOMAN MOST, LAST LONGER! UNLIKE WHERE THE WOMAN LOVES THE MAN MOST BECAUSE SHE WOULD DEFINITELY BE TAKEN FOR A DOORMAT!
    THANK YOU MA, FOR SAYING IT AS IT IS. GOD WOULD CONTINUE TO STRENGTHEN YOU IN YOUR MARRIAGE AND SHALL ENJOY THE FRUIT OF YOUR LABOR...AMEN.

     
  • At 3 December 2010 at 20:31 , Blogger Ade_Cool said...

    @anonymous 8.03PM
    mmmhhhh and a man cannot be taken for a doormat abi??..sometimes u think men are zombies..we just bottle up our emotions 'cos that's what society expects of us all that machismo..and women love that sh.it..u women do a lot of double speak tho..they would say one thing but then secretly crave a bad boy/man...
    It's in the hormones dear..in the water..yet to meet a woman who wasn't in love with her man unless she was just using him to pass time..lonely and things..even iron lady m.tatcher loved her man!!..
    Been in situation been straight up that I just need the company..hang out..and things..mmhh a month or so down the line..the ques come flying out..she says..mmhh I've been thinking..we need to re-evaluate our relationship ..relationship??..didn't know we had one!!..

     
  • At 3 December 2010 at 20:47 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    you women in naija have serious issues. stop defining yourself by marriage. it is not the be all and end all.

     
  • At 3 December 2010 at 21:49 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    She is right. My parents were married for more than 43+ years before my dad passed away. My mother has always told me that marrying for love, love fades away but if you marry for friendship it last as long as you are together.

    I can say that she is spot on with her comment!!!

     
  • At 3 December 2010 at 23:09 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Mma Nwanyi bu diya - An Ibo saying which means a woman's complete beuaty is wih the 'covering' of being married. Only problem is some of the men are not 'mature' enough for the commitements of marriage or adapt the 'its a man's world attitude towards fidelity and treating the woman with respect. Below is a story from a friend of mine;

    My 'omata' brothers will say Respect ko' just give us children, cook our meals, pick up after us, run the home, and make sure you keep looking sexy at least until you are in your sixties, then you can let yourself go if you want. Besides we are allowed the occasional 'side dish' to keep us still interested in looking at your face without make-up at night and filled with all sorts of crazy ointments, and your weavons/braids are itchy and sweaty and i have to keep up with all the craziness. Ocassionally we need some extra 'deserts' to keep us interested in the next meal.
    Any man without a vice is obsessing with something else - low self esteem, no finance, no job or holding out until an opportunity creeps in for 'downtown' business.


    I did not dignify that with an answer. I kinda thought she was hanging out with the boyz too much and listening to too much 'crap'.

    'ting'

     
  • At 4 December 2010 at 00:02 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    I actually tot she ws s'posed to be a bible believing christian, den she shld knw dat it is Love, not extremely liking someone that covers a multitude of sins! 1 Cor. 13:4-6. The issue of sayin the Bible only tells husbands to love their wives is laughable, d same scripture only tells fathers no to provoke their children to anger, does that mean that mothers may provoke their children?(eph 3:18-21) I ask is the church not meant to love christ back as He loves the church. If so, then why shouldnt the wife love her husband as the church loves her husband Christ. Don't sell ursef short!

     
  • At 4 December 2010 at 11:09 , Anonymous ella said...

    i agree with her

     
  • At 4 December 2010 at 14:32 , Blogger Naijalines said...

    I agree with Anon 8.03pm:

    Marriages where the man loves the woman more, last longer. That's the truth right there.

     
  • At 4 December 2010 at 22:50 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    I'm a naija man and yes i read your blog..but this by far has got to be the dumbest statement i've ever heard. The US has a 50% divorce rate, naija's own would be like 80% if cheating on your wife was enough grounds for divorce (we all know naija women let that stuff slide)...but we will never be good as a country when grown ass women are telling younger women to like their husbands and not love them..the new school of thought is that liking is not enough, because when the money pafukas - like will make you run away..it is love that makes you stay!..kai!(naija people and their backwards thinking and this are the same thoughts running our country)

     
  • At 5 December 2010 at 13:07 , Blogger oscar said...

    Love is sweet but it hurts too. One Man's meat is another's poison . what works well for you may not work for me so I think Christy is entitled to her own opinion. For me love is good but love should not becloud your sense of judgement . In marriage love is indispensable but it cant survive alone.It needs trust, communication, finance, deep respect and maturity to excel.... .. So many Women fall out of love due to the Man's attitude not that they did not love abinitio..... The love women have for their new born baby shows that Women are lovers too.

     
  • At 9 December 2010 at 17:44 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    we all use the word "love" like it means the same to everyone....the question i ask is what is the difference between loving your man verus liking him? let us understand the definition of both before we sstart giving our younger generation not to "love" their men but like them. because wwhat i might think to be love might be what another think to be like. thank you
    by felix uhegbu usa

     
  • At 3 January 2011 at 02:12 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    i totally agree with this woman. have been married for 4 years with 2 kid
    s now.believe me there is no love but i really adore him so much because he loves me more than i love him.i know we are going to be together for a very longtime.ladies she is telling you the truth. dont love your husband like him so much like ice-cream

     
  • At 3 January 2011 at 02:24 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    i totally agree with this woman. have been married for 4 years with 2 kid
    s now.believe me there is no love but i really adore him so much because he loves me more than i love him.i know we are going to be together for a very longtime.ladies she is telling you the truth. dont love your husband like him so much like ice-cream

     

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