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Thursday, 7 June 2007

The right age for marriage

What's the right age for marriage?

I'm asking this question because I had a conversation with a guy yesterday who said if he was the president of this country, he would establish a law mandating women to wait till they are at least 30 years old before getting married. I asked him why he felt that way and he said people need to be clear about where they want to go in life before making a commitment as critical and as all-encompassing as marriage. And most girls in their 20's haven't figured out where they want to go in life. So when they get married, in ignorance, take their husbands and their marriages for granted.

He said girls in their 20's don't take marriage seriously, they feel they are still young so can afford to still play around and are always of the opinion that they can easily find someone else if the marriage doesn't work out, so don't put much of an effort in making it work.

He said he has found that women who marry young are seldom prepared for marital roles. These young girls don't know the first thing about taking care of a home and most times aren't ready to learn, thus most men married to them aren't happy. Because they give more than they get from their wives....

He also said most girls who marry in their 20's always marry for the wrong reasons. Either under the illusion of being inlove (when they don't know the first thing about love), or to show off to their friends or just for material gains/security.

But according to him, a woman in her thirties isn't looking to show off, show off to who when all her mates are married. And they always get married for the right reasons (whatever they are). He said if we observe carefully, most of the rich men getting married nowadays are marrying very young girls. If you check the husbands of women who got married in their 30's, they are usually average guys because these women have gone past caring about wealth, all they want now is to be a wife and a mother...they feel time is longer on their side.

He said a woman makes a marriage and the chances for a stable marriage increase when the woman has reached the age of 30. He said women over 30 are more mature and ready to shoulder the responsibilities that come with marriage. Their maturity make the marriage bearable.

He also said a woman who has waited till in her thirties without finding a man, and feels time is running out for her will be humble and submissive to her husband when she eventually finds one, because she knows how long it took to search and find so would appreciate what she has and will do everything to make it work.

I don't know if I agree with this school of thought, but when you really think about it, maybe this guy has a point?

For me, I think the right time for marriage is after taking seriously into consideration the need to wait until you have personally developed yourself and life goals. After you have established this, your selection of a life partner and readiness for marriage will be based on the grown up you. Now you are mature, educated, earning a living etc...

If you have reached this level at 25, 26, 27 years of age, then you are ready for marriage. Some people are over 30 and are still lost, immature, selfish and not ready for marriage. So I don't think it's about age, it's about the maturity of the mind, experiences, defined goals and needs, independence, discovering yourself and willingness to learn...Marriage is not about age, it's about the mind!

So what do you guys think? When is the right age for a woman to marry?

By the way, my younger sis thinks the right age for a woman to marry is the age when she finds a man who wants to marry her...lol. she's been slapped, dont worry...

Send me your thoughts.

32 Comments:

  • At 7 June 2007 at 15:27 , Blogger snazzy said...

    I don't want to arbitrality dismiss your reporting of his comments as the standard reaction of believers in patriarchy to the empowerment of women, but it sure reads that way. The whole "strict gender roles" the "humble and submissive" wife, the wife focused soley on "husband and child" are all the hallmarks of strict patriarchy. A wife who subscribes to those notions isn't for me, but u don't see me trying to legislate that everybody fit my taste like your friend is.

    In the nitpicky sense there is a logical fallacy in his argument. If the legal age is 30, no one will marry before the age of thirty and so there will be no eager 30 year olds that are desperate to get married cos their friends are years married. Everyone will be unmarried then.

     
  • At 7 June 2007 at 16:00 , Blogger Iron Lady said...

    I think your friend is very narrow-minded to generalise like that and I find his views rather amusing....so women in their 20s dont know how to take care of a home and are not interested in learning??? And their husbands as a result are unhappy?? Interesting news…I wonder how he became spokesman for ‘Husbands of 20-sumthin year-olds Association’

    Your friend says that women in their 20s ALWAYS marry for the wrong reasons such as the believing their inluv or to show off to their friends! If one doesn’t believe their inlove, whats the point taking a vow to spend the rest of ur life with this other person come what may??? To use the word ALWAYS is rather silly…and didn’t know women got married to show off to their friends…that’s a new one as I thot that was a man thing; y’know, having the trophy wife?


    Women in their 30s get married for the right reasons??? Really??? I would have thought otherwise as most unmarried women in their 30s become rather desperate to settle down because as he rightly stated ‘all their friends are married’! As he put it ‘If you check the husbands of women who got married in their 30's, they are usually average guys because these women have gone past caring about wealth, all they want now is to be a wife and a mother...they feel time is longer on their side.’ Are these the right reasons your friend speaks about???

    Your friend also says that ‘women over 30 are more mature and ready to shoulder the responsibilities that come with marriage’….whilst agree that sometimes maturity comes with age/experience, I also know that many times as well, age has nothing to do with maturity, as it is the depth of life’s experiences that shapes a person’s personality, mature or otherwise….I suppose what ur friend meant to say is that women over 30 are more accepting of whatever rubbish their husbands dish out as they feel he ‘rescued’ them from dying a spinster (this of course will also be a gross generalisation)….

    Then you say ‘don't know if I agree with this school of thought, but when you really think about it, this guy has a point...’

    Sorry Linda, but your friend has absolutely no point and needs to get over the 20-sumthin year old that dealt with him so, to give him such a negative/bias/uninformed and parochial view of the age-group….as a 24 yr old woman, I feel insulted by this ur friend’s assertions….

    and no, I don’t think there is a ‘right’ age for marriage…there is a right time though and this has nothing to do with age….it will be tremendously silly for one to impose a base age one must attain to get married as humans develop at different paces and the right age for one may not be the right age for another…but the right time for most ppl is similar….it is when one has fully discovered whom they are and is ready to settle down i.e. commit/share their lives with this one person for better & for worse with mutual respect and love and is willing to give as well as receive…and this is attainable regardless of age


    That’s my 2 cents


    Formerly Kiki in London

     
  • At 7 June 2007 at 16:34 , Blogger Ugo Daniels said...

    In a nutshell, my eldest sista got married when she was in her ver early twenties. Have been living with her husband for more than 10 years now, blessed with 4 lovely kids...go figure!

     
  • At 7 June 2007 at 16:39 , Blogger ~Mimi~ said...

    LOL @ ur sister! she's funny jare abeg leave her.

    meanwhile i have a question for your friend 'the guy'
    In the UK especially, women often finish education on time sometimes as early as 21, get a job, and are stable even before they are 25. I have a lot of mature friends who are already financially stable, some with their own houses (and no my friends DONT do aristos) who arent even 25 yet and I know if they find a good man, they will get married..so what does he have to say to these group of people?

    He needs to meet ladies in their 20s and even early twenties who are mature and focused and driven...he hasnt met any yet and thats a shame!

     
  • At 7 June 2007 at 16:40 , Blogger ~Mimi~ said...

    i know of a lady who got married at 20 and she is in her 40s now, her marriage is still going strong and it is not one of those drama filled marriages with her husband chasing skirts! NO!

     
  • At 7 June 2007 at 16:41 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    I married at 29 and i know if I had done it earlier it would have been a disaster cos I spent my 20s discovering myself.From my experience I wouldn't recommend early marriage but having said that people mature at different rates so maybe one can't really put an appropriate age limit

     
  • At 7 June 2007 at 16:47 , Blogger Refinedone said...

    Hmmm Interesting, I think the best time for anyone male/ or female is when they feel and know they are ready, that differ for everyone.
    I can only confidently speak for myself… I was married at 21... Not for the wrong reason, and not just because I was in (poppy love) but cos I was in love …I was ready (sorry but was not in the school of trying out many guys, before I “settle”) I knew what I wanted in a husband and he fit. At that age, there was opposition from family… so you had better be sure about that decision.

    Maturity is not always about age… experience and exposure comes into play too and lets not forget (at least in my case) Gods wisdom and direction.

    My younger brother got married at 20yrs; they recently celebrated 10yrs of marriage. He has three kids, a master’s degree, in full time employment and is a pastor …. So what was it your friend said about age?

    I must add… I and my brother are in the UK… and we had a lot of responsibility from an early age, we put ourselves through school and worked…were as in Nigeria most girls in there 20’s are still very much the responsibility of there parents, never lived on there own or been self sufficient , then he may (may) have a point …

     
  • At 7 June 2007 at 17:18 , Blogger dolly said...

    what more can I say?? Iron lady said it all

     
  • At 7 June 2007 at 19:25 , Blogger Bosa said...

    Hi Linda,

    Just came across your blog (nice one). I agree, its about maturity of the person, not age.. age aint nothing but a number! And btw , i think marriage can be overrated at times, especially in Nigeria and when you reach a certain age the pressure is so much.

     
  • At 7 June 2007 at 23:29 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    It's irrational and varies depending on whom....our mothers afterall got married in their teens and their mothers in their pre-teens....some women in their twenties are well and ready for marriage while some women in their thirties might not be...it all depends on the person and the connection they have with their partner.

    BTW, IS WIERD MC GAY???

     
  • At 8 June 2007 at 00:58 , Blogger My 2 cents said...

    Marriage is only for adults. Be it whatever age they choose. it could be 15 or 45.

     
  • At 8 June 2007 at 02:19 , Blogger pamelastitch said...

    Personally, i believe there is no right age for marriage. I think it is much more important that both genders are fully aware of who they are, their strengths and their weaknesses before embarking on a marriage because this will be the person that they will be waking up next to for a long time.

    I do not feel that many women in their early twenties are aware of the realities of marriage but i do not feel that it takes entering the 30's range to make anyone mature enough to deal with such a committed relationship.

    Know thyself and to thyself be true. If you feel that you are not quite ready to tie that knot, do not use the stupid excuse, of ovaries crying to get into that marriage. Take your time!!

    pammy

     
  • At 8 June 2007 at 06:57 , Blogger catwalq said...

    I think your friend is chauvanistic and patriachal.
    I am assuming that the reason why 30 year old women easy for men like me would be that in a society such as ours that is unbearable towards women who have not shackled themselves to a man and thus society's dictates, they would be desperate to accept any male attention that comes their way whether or not the man looks like a thumb and thinks like a tool.
    Supposedly, wisdom comes with age. Not too much so. I am 23 years old and I can say that I have a more educated and enlightened look on life than many fifty year old women. So, if I wanted to marry at this age, his law will prevent me from doing so?
    If all he needs is someone who will cook and clean, rear and raise his children and welcome him home after a day's work with legs spread wide open, then I am sure he can purchase such a machine online. Thoughts, emotions and intellectual maturity do not seem to be much of a requirement but rather the complacency to accept whatever comes to you in marriage.
    Your friend is a sad man and what is even sadder is that the majority of men think the same way

     
  • At 8 June 2007 at 10:11 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    "If you have reached this level at 25, 26, 27 years of age, then you are ready for marriage. Some people are over 30 and are still lost, immature, selfish and not ready for marriage. So I don't think it's about age, it's about the maturity of the mind, experiences, defined goals and needs, independence, discovering yourself and willingness to learn...Marriage is not about age, it's about the mind!"

    I second you!

     
  • At 8 June 2007 at 10:24 , Blogger classybabe said...

    There is really no right age for marriage,as we know maturity has nothing to do with age.If u find the person that you know you can grow with and grow old with,then the time is right.

     
  • At 8 June 2007 at 10:25 , Blogger Lola said...

    Not knowing who your friend is, i'm very insulted and disgusted at his comments. There are a few things he needs to learn as he crawls out of his cave. One, marriage works when BOTH partners are matured, committed, dedicated, and in love with each other. Marriage is not something the man just does nonchalantly and then the woman carries the entire thing on her head for the rest of both their lives. That is the way to a loveless, lifeless, miserable, dreary, uninspiring, unfulfilling "marriage".

    If your friend wants to impose a marriage age, he should be thinking of it for both genders? When's the right marrying age for men?

    Really, this is the kind of mentality that I'm dedicated in my own little way of fighting whenever I come across Nigerian with this view. Women are not chattels, they are not breeding machines, and they are not furniture for decoration. Your friend shows a huge lack of respect for the value of a woman, he sounds chauvinist, he sounds simple-minded, he sounds egotistical and i'm afraid with all those characteristics, he has no business even thinking about marriage and how it should work.

     
  • At 8 June 2007 at 12:26 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    i think this guy just contradicted himself when he said women in their 30's are ready for marriage because they are not doing it to show off. you don't need a genius to tell you this,of course they are not doing it to show off because they are just grateful for getting maarried at their age which doesn't make it the right reason for getting married. if a 23 year old has figured out herself to some extent in terms of her life's goals and every other expect, why then does she have to wait to 30 to get married.I'm sure the dude is just looking for a made woman to get married to,because most women in their 30's these days are somewhat successful. besides my parents got married when they were 23 and it's their 30th anniversary this year. So to the dude, you need to review your perceptions.

     
  • At 8 June 2007 at 15:07 , Blogger Refinedone said...

    Would like to ask your friend, if 30 is the best age for a woman to marry...I guess 50 would be the best age for a man?

    ... if we are to go by his reasoning.

     
  • At 8 June 2007 at 22:50 , Blogger Funmi Iyanda said...

    The right time for a woman to marry is when she finds a single, sane, intelligent, working, non anal, non ego doping, non neandethal, preferably only child orphan with good personal hygiene and the good sense to know that his wife is always right :-).Your friend must have been the financier of the good hosekeeping magazine circa 1956.
    BTW Weird MC is FAB and there are loads of over 30s who are not panting for marriage.

     
  • At 9 June 2007 at 01:18 , Blogger Favoured Girl said...

    I agree with what lola said. It seems to me that your friend has been burnt by a girl in her 20s, so he has concluded that we are all "ignorant" and "immature". Yet from the stuff you wrote, it doesn't sound like he has got it all figured out either. How dare he say that girls in their 20s don't take marriage seriously and don't put much effort into making it work? I thought it takes two committed people to make a marriage work? Why is the failure of a marriage blamed on the girl or her age? Now if he wants women to be at least 30 before they get married, what about the guys? When should they get married?

    He said: "a woman who has waited till her thirties without finding a man, and feels time is running out for her will be humble and submissive to her husband when she eventually finds one, because she knows how long it took to search and find so would appreciate what she has and will do everything to make it work".

    That sounds to me like he wants a fairly successful but desperate 30-something woman to marry. One that will be so insecure in herself that she will settle for anything and take any crap from a guy because she wants to hang on to him. Now is that a "good" reason to get married? Rubbish.

    People can't make generalisations on age when it comes to marriage. I got married at the ripe old age of 22 and I know that I am far more mature than some of my friends who are in their 30s now. I went into it with wisdom and I was well prepared. Please tell your friend to get over his biases and stop making silly generalisations like that.

     
  • At 9 June 2007 at 06:50 , Blogger Nanya said...

    IMHO The "right age" for marriage is when you meet someone who you are excited about *not just ready to committing* spending the rest of ur life with and all that good stuff. Maturity varies from individual to individual male or female so I dont think there is a magic number.

    Anyways I like ur blog, kudos on keeping it up to date; must be time consuming but you do a great job.

     
  • At 9 June 2007 at 08:21 , Blogger ibiluv said...

    it doesnt matter what age one gets married
    what matters is if the couple is mature enuff for marriage
    all marriages need work to turn out great so when u make a vow to God and a person to be the other person's better half
    it will work if u both work at it
    dont matter if u take that vow at 15 or 40
    its all in the mind.
    ciao

     
  • At 9 June 2007 at 13:27 , Anonymous Vera said...

    I don't think there should be any age restriction on marriage. One can get married whenever they are ready. One could get married at 18 if one is ready or 25 or 30 or 40 or 50 or whatever age. It depends on an individual. There's no right age for marriage.

     
  • At 9 June 2007 at 15:15 , Blogger yankeenaijachick said...

    I think the right age for marriage is 28yrs. For me, l want to marrry at 28 on the dot. My mum married at 28 yrs. She said then you have had ur fun of dating, your mindset is ready to settle down and have a baby. Yeah!!!Marriage is not to be rushed into according to my mama.

     
  • At 9 June 2007 at 23:26 , Anonymous Abi said...

    I am sorry but that friend of urs need flogging...what an ignorant statement to make...how dare he generalize every woman in her 20s? I am quite pissed at those words. I am in my 20s and I definitely know what I want and I'm very focused....anyways all I can say is thank God he is not the president.Plus they are so many 30yr olds that are still confused..

     
  • At 12 June 2007 at 16:18 , Blogger chidi said...

    i think the guy is wrong. you do not need to be up to 30 to know what your heart is telling you. An 18 yr old can get married & her marriage will work perfectly compared to a woman who married because she was getting older (i mean those who arre 30 or above). I think women in 9ja marry for the wrong resons. They do not marry because they love the guy but because they are being pressured by society to get married or because they want the guys money. Women in Nigeria are made to believe that they are not complete without a man by their side. I read about an interview Genevieve Nnaji did (i think here on your blog. not sure) and she was going on about everything in her life was ok apart from the fact she was missing a man. I found it sad, that the women do not feel complete without men. Don't get me wrong. We do need men. Thats why God created them in the 1st place but you should not rush into a marriage because you are getting older or family & freinds/ people from outside are putting pressure on you. My point is there is no right age for marriage. As long as the woman feels she is ready to accept that role, then yes. As long as the person is not under 18. Women should not be forced into a marriage or feel that without a husband, their life is over.

     
  • At 12 June 2007 at 22:17 , Blogger Icy said...

    hahah you know what I see here. Most women 30 and over would probably appreciate this post more than us 20 somethings. Minus the submissive wife part. It's pretty much a pat on the back for anyone over 29. Your friends analysis is skewed... If a grown man can think this way.. I really fear for the kind of men "THESE 30 and up" will be exposed to.

    Point it case.. You will WITHOUT A DOUBT know when it feels right to spend the rest of your life with a partner.

     
  • At 13 June 2007 at 06:58 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    It definitely is of the mind.
    But I must admit maturity of the mind comes usually with advancing age.
    By the way, why didn't your friend talk about the right age for a man to marry? Men have responsibilities and roles in marriage,too. Believe me, some men do not know or understand this at a certain age (or ever!) and they get married expecting women to slave for them & often treat women in a sub-human fashion.
    Immediately, one understands that marriage is about love, Christ-like love, and treating another human with dignity, the way one wants to be treated, then it's a green light to go into it.
    I see something in Linda Ikeji's sister's comment - ladies, marry a guy who wants to marry you; who is thirsting for you - he will love you always! (most likely)

     
  • At 14 June 2007 at 09:28 , Blogger boorish male said...

    I must say that your friend does not come across as especially intelligent.

     
  • At 15 June 2007 at 00:16 , Blogger Meadows j. said...

    WHATS ALL THIS MARRIAGE TALK? EVERYONE IS MAKING IT SOUND LIKE HARDWORK. AM BUDDY WITH MY HUBBY AND TOGETHER FOR FIVE YEARS WITH THREE KIDS WE FIND SO LITTLE TIME TO "ROMANCE" BUT THE FRIENDSHIP AND RESPECT WE HAVE FOR EACH OTHER $ GOD, KEEPS US HAPPY.

    I AM STRONG AND OUT SPOKEN BUT I SOMETIMES FIND IT SEXY TO BE NAIVE AND SUBMISSIVE TO MY HUSBAND AND HE ENJOYS IT, AT LEAST I GET EVERY THING I WANT FROM HIM JUST FOR BEING SOFT.

    THE ONLY THING A WOMAN SHOULD BE WORRIED ABOUT IS THE BIOLOGICAL CLOCK, ITS BEST TO START HAVING KIDS IN YOUR 20S RATHER THAN LATE 30S UP TO 40S BECAUSE OF COMPLICATIONS ASSOCIATED WITH PREGNANCY OR INFERTILITY AT ITS WORST. TRUST ME AM A NURSE.

     
  • At 2 July 2007 at 18:56 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Hey, all I wanna ask is what your male friend meant by "men giving more in marriages than young women in their twenties" What exactly is the "more" they give in the marriages??

    PS do you actually respond to any of the questions raised?

     
  • At 6 November 2009 at 14:36 , Anonymous HELEN said...

    TALKING OF INDEPENDENCE IN MARRIAGE, DOES IT MEAN IF YOU MARRY A MAN WHO DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOUR UP-KEEP, YOU SHOULDN'T BOTHER YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU'RE JUST BEING INDEPENDENT?

     

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