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Tuesday, 5 June 2007

Dating two guys at the same time.

On my Friday night outing, I saw someone I hadn't seen in a while. She was at Fashion Cafe with a guy whom she later introduced to me as her boyfriend. For some weird reason, every time I see a man and a woman together, especially if they seem intimate or something seems 'off' about them, I look at their fingers to see if I'll spot a wedding ring. This guy was wearing a ring quite alright, but the girl isn't married.

I have met a few girls who have introduced married men to me as their boyfriends. Maybe it's me but I find it very odd.

I don't condone but I understand the need for some girls to date married men...for money. What I don't understand is being in a serious relationship with a man who has a wife and kids. Especially when you've reached marriageable age yourself. Why would any woman in her right thinking mind be in a very serious relationship with a married man who has no intention of taking another wife?

This girl is at least 2 years older than me and I just couldn't understand why she was at a night club, kissing and introducing the guy as the love of her life...it still puzzles me sha!

If he's married, why take him serious? Why not something casual, get what you want and leave as fast as you can, instead of being in a 2/3/4 year relationship with a man whose wife has had two kids for him since you came into his life...I don't understand how some women can let themselves be used that way...

Anyway, that's really not what I want to talk about, just thought to chip that in. What I want to talk about is dating two guys at the same time. During my brief talk with this girl, I asked after a guy I used to know her with, to my surprise, she told me she was still dating the guy but is also dating the married man. She has TWO boyfriends.

I know alot of women who are dating two men at the same time. When you ask them why, their reasons range from, I love him but he can't take care of my needs, so I got myself an aristo. Some say you can't put all your eggs in one basket. Another set of women say they don't believe that God made one woman for one man. Others just like the variety, while some need more than one person to satisfy them completely.

Whatever their reasons, I'm thinking it must be very stressful keeping two men...and being serious with both. It's hard enough having sex with one man, how do you do two? How do you explain your whereabouts to one while with the other guy? All the lies you have to tell, the excuses you have to make, the cover ups.

I know alot of men keep more than one woman in Naija. You'll hardly find a married man who doesn't have a girlfriend, sad story! I guess it's easier for a man to keep more than one woman, just like lawyers, they know how to tell lies...and they almost always get away with it...

But women aren't built that way. God gave us more compassion, honesty, loyalty and made us more monogamous...imagine if all married women conducted themselves in the same manner with their husbands, marriage will cease to make sense.

Contrary to many beliefs, I don't think that many married women cheat. It's just something some men want to belief to justify their own infidelities. God didn't build women like that, that's why it puzzles me when a woman has more than one man in her life...I just don't understand how a girl can handle it. What if she gets pregnant? ok maybe that's lame but what about sharing your emotions, heart, body, mind and soul with two or more men, isn't that a hard life to put yourself in?

I so much believe in one at a time, maybe because I've never been heartbroken, so don't understand the need to cheat or 'not put all my eggs in one basket'.

I'm totally for one woman/one man. If it doesn't work out with the guy, move on and find someone else, or maybe it's just not that easy? Some women have been through hell in the hands of men and have vowed never to give themselves to only one man, in case of disappointment, they have someone else to fall back on...

I don't think you can have peace by dating two people. What about birthdays, Valentine, public outings, mutual friends, how do you deal with those?
Well, I guess it's every man for himself. Whatever brings you happiness and peace of mind is what you should do. If dating two guys or MORE does that, then do it!
I just think that's a difficult life to live.
Anyone has anything to contribute, please feel free.


  • At 5 June 2007 at 13:53 , Blogger chidi said...

    i know. Its sad to see woman in relationships with married men. I always ask "how would you feel if your husband did the same to you?" I don't get it. As for dating 2 guyz at the same time, i wonder how the girls manage it. It would be very tiring. I know someone who was going out with 3 guys at the same time. But heres the funny thing. When i asked her, she said since she met me, she changed. That before, she used to go out with 5 guyz at the same time!!! I couldn't believe my ears. As for the guyz, they do the same as well, so maybe what the girls are doing to them is good in a way.

  • At 5 June 2007 at 14:22 , Blogger Ugo Daniels said...

    Awwww, Linda, you beat me to it. I was lpanning on doing a similar post this weekend on why men cheat. All da same, i'll still give it a shot.

    You see, cheating is a cankerworm that ahs eaten deep into the entire moral fabric of 'humans' It gets worse and worse. You hear stories of uni gals in naija posing nude for white men so they'll be paid some money. Meanwhile, they have a boyfirend in school texting them, I LOve Yu.

    MArried men these days are equally guilty. My question, if you wanna cheat, why get married in the first place. I mean you can remain a professional bachelor for life. Nobody cares.

    For a girl that dates two guys at same time, she definitely doesnt play by the love rule. She's out for something, mostly material. And you know what, one can never be sure these days. Your gf can call you and say she's going to the mountain side with her parents, not for her to take off to another state with another lover. It suxxx!

  • At 5 June 2007 at 14:45 , Blogger Nyemoni said...

    It's the way of the world these days, but I still don't get it myself! People who date multiple partners are definitely not in it for love, they usually do it for something else although I've heard the term "I'm in love with two women!"

    As Ugo would say, It suxxx big tym!

  • At 5 June 2007 at 14:53 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    some women just love dating married guys...i wonder why!
    having one boyfriend is wahala talkless of two ...as in all d lies,explanation,dodging and stuff is too much stress jare!

  • At 5 June 2007 at 15:55 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    very interesting topic...so, this ur friend, introduced the married man to you as her boyfriend?? and the guy probably smiled and offered a handshake right?? when he is blatantly married, probably in that same lagos! wonders shall never cease...so u mean ppl dont do it under wraps anymore??? its absolutely shameful not only for the woman but for the man who wearing his wedding ring, allows himself to be introduced as someone's boyfriend!

    on the other hand, permit me to inject a bit of double standards here, but any woman seeing(i.e.sleeping) with more than one man at any given period of time is what is commonly known as ashawo/ho. women should carry themselves (and indeed their kini) with alot more pride/respect and must realise that 'donating'/passing their goods between 2 or more men- like an offering bowl in church- doesnt make them maradonna bcos the only person being dribbled/played is them!

    disappointed girl in london

  • At 5 June 2007 at 17:39 , Blogger LurLar said...

    I was having a conversation with a friend....nd he was like it's not just possible for most naija men not too keep a mistress(if not more than one). I was like ok that agreed even though it's barbaric. Most Naija ladies that go into these kinda of messy life have lost self respect for themselves.......all in the name of money,u no get hand to work? (their mouth don wide)sex wise: na which kain yeye satisfaction u dem dey find? If you know ur bf/fiancee can't satisfy u,simple: dump him and find the one that has 32inches long dik(xcuse my lang). These same men are still not satisified with 1 mistress.....they still go about finding younger girls.*sigh* Lots things i wanna say.....but lemme stop here, so the next person can have enuff space.lol.

  • At 5 June 2007 at 18:21 , Blogger classybabe said...

    I have a friend who had two boyfriends,she used to insist she would choose based on the one talking more about the future and marriage.Right now she has let the other one go and is getting married in September,i still ask her how she was able to juggle two guys.She says it's easy if u want to.............

  • At 5 June 2007 at 21:46 , Blogger TJ The Actor said...

    Bills, bills, bills..$$$$..Naira!!! Pounds Sterlings!!!!1 Some chicks have got to pay their bills hence they go out with married men and in d process cheating and killing their poor boyfriends softly....in our society especially naija, it is normal for men to have harem of girlfriends but abomination if a woman is going out with tow guys at d same time.. our people (Hypocrites) frown at such behaviour calling such girlz ashewos...but come to think of it..i think it's not right it sucks! for a woman keeping two men at d same time! any woman that respects herself wouldn't do that ..cos the pride of every woman is that something, that very sacred stuff in btw her legs ( sorry guys for my language) that thing is her POWER and highly cherised Weapon of Men Distruction! WMD!!!...any woman that respects herself will not resort to opening her pussy for every dick and harry cos at d end of d day men will use and dump her !cos personally, i believe that all men or let me say 98% of men are dogs! ...we can't keep our zippers tight!Sometimes, we leave our partner because we think he/ she truly sucks isn’t right for us. Sometimes, we just leave because we think we don’t deserve him/her.
    As I went to a catholic high school when I was a teenager, I met a lot of the saint category (who never turned into sluts years after). Usually, these are those girls who want to wait after the wedding to lose their virginity. I still remember this incredibly naive girl in my class, whose boyfriend was making badges for her (he was 21 at the time, yep) when he had some spare time in College. Of course, her aim was to stay a virgin until the day she married. And for what I heard about her recently, she achieved her goal, and is now happily married to her badge maker husband with three kids. I know she would never go off the rails, because she’s such a saint. Yeah, I find her incredibly annoying.Among the other girls who didn’t fit into the saint category, there were the self -proclaimed sluts who were collecting boys as a principal hobby. One of them once confessed to me she couldn’t stay single, so she had to have a heavy turnover of male to fill her loneliness. Now, she’s still officially single, and is dating two guys at the same time, a married man and a guy just escaped from puberty. She told me she doesn’t want to get married, because she thinks marriage is a contract between two persons and believes she couldn’t respect the terms of the contract.

    Then we had the sinners turned saints and the saints turned sinners. One of the self-proclaimed slut in my high school is now married AND faithful to her husband. They’ve been together for 5 years now and nobody thought it would have lasted for so long. On the other side, one of the little not- before- the- wedding turned into a real slut when she started her professional career as a lawyer. Her actual “love life” would make jealous the allergic- to- wedding mentioned above.Some women do like to date married men due to the risk and excitement. It is sad. Most of the time they often don't realize just how much damage is being done. They often just care about sex only.
    Sometimes though one person does end up having feelings for another. It isn't fair to the wife in a marriage when another woman is taking her husband away. The wife is the innocent person in the entire affair that her husband is doing.
    The wife doesn't deserve to go through a ton of emotional hurt through deception by the husband and his new lover. When woman get involved with a married man it is cause of bad intentions and she doesn't care how much damage it will cause on the wife and husband. The women doesn't care about them being married since she does wreck his marriage even more and doesn't care about the wife. The woman will usually try to justify her actions to destroy the marriage of husband and wife by cheating.

    Most women who cheat with someone that is married only does it because it is about power. Power that she can take him away from the wife. Sometimes it doesn't work though. It happens often that the man won't divorce his wife. Sometimes he decides to go back to his wife and will try to improve his marriage. In certain cases the women that is cheating with the man sometimes she doesn't even know that he is married. Some married men do lie about being married sometimes.

    Guilt will usually catch up to one of them either the woman or the man who cheats. One of them will usually put an end to the cheating if they truly really feel guilty about it. Certain men can only cheat so long because they just can't handle living a double lifestyle. The guilt starts to bug them from day to day. Some other men don't feel guilty and have no desire to improve their marriage. Men will sometimes get divorced and then end up getting married to the partner that they cheated on their ex wife with. Sometimes divorce is the best option when there is no hope left in the marriage.

    The wife may feel anger, sad, and often does feel that is her fault that her husband cheated on her. She may often wonder what she did wrong to cause her husband to cheat on her. The truth is that the wife did nothing wrong. Cheating happens because the husband wanted to cheat on her. A husband who cheats will do it despite what his wife may have said or did.
    The wife may feel anger, sad, and often does feel that is her fault that her husband cheated on her. She may often wonder what she did wrong to cause her husband to cheat on her. The truth is that the wife did nothing wrong. Cheating happens because the husband wanted to cheat on her. A husband who cheats will do it despite what his wife may have said or did.

    There is something wrong with the husband since he didn't file for divorce if he was so unhappy in his marriage, but instead he cheated on his wife. It is sad that some men take marriage not serious.

    It is the even more hurtful when the husband gets the wife or the other woman pregnant. It makes things twenty time as difficult when an pregnancy occurs. It is very tough for people to deal with and especially when cheating is going on. There is absolute no excuse for a woman to date a married man or for a man to date a married woman or whatt ever! The guy is married for crying out loud! Ok, what if your woman was going out with another guy while you guys are still on? I mean that is absolutely and totally wrong! And one would not find it funny then.

    Dating a married man or woman will finally bring chaos to the family, and it is going to break up the family, and the kids are usually the once that have to bear the consequencies. What happened to "till death do us part?" I mean, if you ain't going to keep to that you might as well save everyone from all the drama!Linda my Sista, sorry about my long story...am just in a state of dilema who's to blame but i have to say this candidly that ...every right thinking young single women especially should think twice b4 hooking up with a married man...am from a ploygamous family and i know what d heck am talking about! ... i love women and always will respect them cos they are our momas!. i rest my case 4 now...peace and love to all my decent african queens:))))))

  • At 5 June 2007 at 23:38 , Blogger TJ The Actor said...

    For those Chicks keeping 2 men at d same time....

    making babies is big responsibilty
    you go feed dem, give them food,give them love too
    If you never ready to carry all this load
    why put am for anoda pesin head o

    Onyeka Onwenu & KSA!
    Plenti children dem say
    be assurance of good health
    na dem say make we marry
    na dem say make we born o
    plenti children dem say
    be assurance of good health
    This world o na so so wahala
    wahala, if you love me
    you go wait for me
    wait for me
    make we plan am well.

  • At 6 June 2007 at 11:04 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Quote by Linda: ""Why not something casual, get what you want and leave as fast as you can"". Hey Linda, are you advising the girls to get it on with the married men and leave as soon as they get the cash??? Elaborate pls!

  • At 6 June 2007 at 11:30 , Blogger Linda Ikeji said...

    @anon.dating a married man is very wrong but if you must, which alot of people are doing, dont prolong it, dont make another womans husband ur boyfriend.its wrong.thats all im saying.u understand now?

  • At 6 June 2007 at 18:46 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    I for one, am always surprised by the blatant sexism that exists in our Naija culture and which we continue to perpetuate. First, I must say that I don't believe ANYONE should dating/sleep with two ppl at the same time. It is unhealthy and emotionally crippling for all involved, period. Most men in Naija do it because they know they will get away with it. It generally boils down to a way for the men to assert their power and dominance in society and we let them get a way with it. We as a society should start shaming the married men that cheat (and the girls that follow them)...once during a visit to Naija, i saw a high school friend of mine who introduced me to her "boyfriend". As soon as I saw the ring on his finger, I went into a diatribe about how mad i was that i didn't get an invite to their wedding and how all these "yeye married men" simply use women for sex and how glad i am that she no longer had to do that....suffice it to say, there was an uncomfortable silence after which, both the girl and her man left. Good riddance!!! Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but it sent the message...

    As to the actor going on about a woman's pride is the thing between her legs, please!!!! I am a 32 year old professional unmarried Naija woman (yes, living in america)who lost her virginity at 30 to my ex. I certainly KNOW that my pride is NOT my punani and that it is in the entire package. Abeg, virginity has nothing to do with whether or not a person remains faithful, so please let not get things twisted.

  • At 10 June 2007 at 13:07 , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Hi, I just stumbled across your blogg and I likes.

    However, I find it amazing that no one is talking about health risks, in particular AIDS!!! Isn't this the most significant risk to the individuals concerned, and by virtue, the wider society in Nigeria?

    Comments invited.

    London, UK.

  • At 14 June 2007 at 03:57 , Anonymous I can't believe my eyes! said...

    Who said you have to go all the way just because you are seeing someone. It is possible to date and only date two men at one time.


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