The Miraculous Deliverance Of Oga Jona by Chimamanda Adichie | Welcome to Linda Ikeji's Blog

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Friday, 18 July 2014

The Miraculous Deliverance Of Oga Jona by Chimamanda Adichie

Article written by award winning writer, Chimamanda Adichie. Please read and share your thoughts..
As soon as he opened his eyes, he felt it. A strange peace, a calm clarity. He stretched.  Even his limbs were stronger and surer. He looked at his phone. Thirty-seven new text messages – and all while he was asleep. With one click, he deleted them. The empty screen buoyed him. Then he got up to bathe, determined to fold the day into the exact shape that he wanted.
Those Levick people had to go. No more foreign PR firms. They should have made that article in the American newspaper sound like him, they should have known better. They had to go. And he would not pay their balance; they had not fulfilled the purpose of the contract after all. Continue...
He pressed the intercom. Man Friday came in, face set in a placidly praise-singing smile.
“Good morning, Your Excellency!”
“Good morning,” Oga Jona said. “I had a revelation from God.”
Man Friday stared at him with bulging eyes.
“I said I had a revelation from God,” he repeated. “Find me new Public Relations people. Here in Nigeria. Is this country not full of mass communication departments and graduates?”
“Yes, Your Excellency.” Man Friday’s eyes narrowed; he was already thinking of whom he would bring, of how he would benefit.
 “I want a shortlist on my table on Wednesday,” Oga Jona said. “I don’t want any of the usual suspects. I want fresh blood. Like that student who asked that frank question during the economic summit.”
“Your Excellency… the procurement rules…we need somebody who is licensed by the agency licensed by the agency that licenses PR consultants…”
Oga Jona snorted. Man Friday used civil service restrictions as a weapon to fight off competition. Anybody who might push him out of his privileged position was suddenly not licensed, not approved, not registered. “I don’t want you to bring your own candidates, do you hear me? I said I want fresh blood, I’m not joking.”
“Yes, Your Excellency,” Man Friday said, voice now high-pitched with alarmed confusion.
“Put that DVD for me before you go,” Oga Jona said.

He watched the recording on the widescreen television, unhappy with his appearance in the footage. His trousers seemed too big and why had nobody adjusted his hat? Next to The Girl from Pakistan, he looked timid, scrunched into his seat. She was inspiring, that young girl, and he wished her well. But he saw now how bad this made him appear: he had ignored all the Nigerians asking him to go to Chibok, and now The Girl From Pakistan was telling the world that he promised her he would go. He promised me, she said. As if the abducted Nigerian girls did not truly matter until this girl said they did. As if what mattered to him was a photo-op with this girl made famous by surviving a gunshot wound. It made him look small. It made him look unpresidential. It made him look like a leader without a rudder.  Why had they advised him to do this? He pressed a button on his desk and waited.
Violence was unfamiliar to Oga Jona. Yet when Man Monday came in, his belly rounded and his shirt a size too tight as usual, Oga Jona fought the urge to hit and punch and slap. Instead, he settled for less: he threw a teacup at Man Monday.
“Why have you people been advising me not to go to Chibok? Why have you people been telling me that my enemies will exploit it?”
“Sah?” Man Monday had dodged the teacup and now stood flustered.
“I am going to Chibok tomorrow. I should have gone a long time ago. Now it will look as if I am going only because a foreigner, a small girl at that, told me to go. But I will still go. Nigerians have to see that this thing is troubling me too.”
“But Sah, you know…”
“Don’t ‘Sah you know’ me!” This was how his people always started. “Sah, you know…” Then they would bring up conspiracies, plots, enemies, evil spirits. No wonder giant snakes were always chasing him in his dreams: he had listened to too much of their nonsense. He remembered a quote from a teacher in his secondary school:  ‘The best answer to give your enemies is continued excellence.’ What he needed, he saw now, was an adviser like that teacher.
“Sah, the security situation…”
“Have you not seen Obama appear in Afghanistan or Iraq in the middle of the night to greet American troops? Is Chibok more dangerous than the war the Americans are always fighting up and down? Arrange it immediately. Keep it quiet. I want to meet the parents of the girls. Make gifts and provisions available to the families, as a small token of goodwill from the federal government.” He knew how much people liked such things. A tin of vegetable oil would soften some bitter hearts.
“Sah…”
“From Borno we go to Yobe. I want to meet the families of the boys who were killed. I want to visit the school. Fifty-nine boys! They shot those innocent boys and burnt them to ashes! Chai! There is evil in the world o!”
“Yes Sah.”

“These people are evil. That man Yusuf was evil. The policemen who killed him, we have to arrest them and parade them before the press. Make sure the world knows we are handling the case. But it is even more important that we tell the true story about Yusuf himself. Yes, the police should not have killed him. But does that mean his followers should now start shedding blood all over this country? Is there any Nigerian who does not have a bad story about the police? Was it not last year that my own cousin was nearly killed in police detention? Let us tell people why the Army caught him in the first place. He was evil. Remember that pastor in Maiduguri that he beheaded. Find that pastor’s wife. Let her tell her story. Let the world hear it. Show pictures of the pastor. Why have we not been telling the full story? Why didn’t we fight back when The Man From Borno was running around abroad, blaming me for everything when he too failed in his own responsibilities?” Oga Jona was getting angrier as he spoke, angry with his people, angry with himself. How could he have remained, for so long, in that darkness, that demon possession of ineptitude?
“Yes Sah!”
 “You can go.”

He picked up the iphone and spoke slowly. “I want to expand that Terror Victims Support Committee. Add one woman. Add two people personally affected by terrorism. How can you have a committee on terrorism victims with no diversity?”
On the other end of the phone, the voice was stilled by surprise. “Yes Sah!” Finally emerged, in a croak.
He put down the phone. There would be no more committees. At least until he was re-elected. And no more unending consultations. He picked up the Galaxy, scrolled through the list of contacts. He called two Big Men in the Armed Forces, the ones stealing most of the money meant for the soldiers.
“I want your resignation by Friday,” He said simply.
Their shock blistered down the phone.
“But Your Excellency…”
“Or you want me to announce that I am sacking you? At least resignation will save you embarrassment.”
If those left knew he was now serious as commander-in-chief, serious about punishing misdeed and demanding performance, they would sit up. He ate some roasted groundnuts before making the next call. To another Big Man in the Armed Forces. They had to stop arresting Northerners just like that. He remembered his former gateman in Port Harcourt. Mohammed, pleasant Mohammed with his buck teeth and his radio pressed to his ear. Mohammed would not even have the liver to support any terrorist.  He told the Big Man in the Armed Forces, “You need to carry people along. Win hearts and minds. Make Nigerians feel that you are fighting for them, not against them… And when you talk to the press and say that Nigerians should do their part to fight terrorism, stop sounding as if you are accusing them. After all, let us tell the truth, what can an ordinary person do? Nothing! Even those people who check cars, if they open a boot and see a big bomb, what will they do? Will they try to subdue an armed suicide bomber? Will they pour water on the bomb to defuse it? Will they not turn and run as fast as their legs can carry them? Let’s start a mass education campaign. Get proposals on how best to do it without scaring people. When we tell Nigerians to report suspicious behavior, let’s give them examples. Suspicious behavior does not mean anybody wearing a jellabiya. After all, was the one in Lagos not done by a woman?” He paused.
“Yes, Your Excellency!”
“As for the girls, we have to go back to negotiation. Move in immediately.”
“Yes, Your Excellency.”
“I should not have listened to what they told me in that Paris summit. Why did I even agree to follow them and go to Paris, all of us looking like colonised goats?”
From the other end, came a complete and lip-sealed silence. The Big Man in the Armed Forces dared not make a sound, lest it be mistaken as agreement on the word ‘goat.’ Besides, he had been part of the entourage for that trip and had collected even more than the normal fat juicy estacode.
“I don’t want to hear about any other mutiny,” Oga Jona continued. “You will get the funds. But I want real results! Improve the conditions of your boys. I want to see results!”
The Big Man in the Armed Forces started saying something about the Americans.
Oga Jona cut him short. “Shut up! If somebody shits inside your father’s house, is it a foreigner that will come and clean the house for you? Is Sambisa on Google Maps? How much local intelligence have you gathered? Before you ask for help, you first do your best!”
“Yes Your Excellency.”
“And why is it that nobody interviewed the girls who escaped?”
There was a pause.
“By tomorrow night I want a report on the local intelligence gathered so far!”
“Yes, Your Excellency.”
Oga Jona turned on the television and briefly watched a local channel. Who even designed those ugly studio backgrounds? There was a knock on the door. It had to be Man Thursday. Nobody else could come in anyhow.
“Good afternoon, My President,” Man Thursday said.
Short and stocky, Man Thursday was the soother who always came cradling bottles of liquid peace.
This time, Oga Jona pushed away the bottle. “Not now!’
“My President, I hope you’re feeling fine.”
“I received a revelation from God. From now on, I will stop giving interviews to foreign journalists while ignoring our own journalists.”
“But My President, you know how useless our journalists are…”
“Will Obama give an interview to AIT and ignore CBS?”
“No, Your Excellency.”
“I know some of our journalists support Bourdillon, but we also have others on our side. I will beat them at their game! I want to do interviews with two journalists that support us and one journalist that supports Bourdillon. Find one that will be easy to intimidate.”
“But…”
“I want names in the next hour.”
“Yes, Your Excellency.” Man Thursday now stood still, lips parted in the slack expression of a person no longer sure what day it was.
 “Tell the Supporters Club to change their television advertisements. They should stop mentioning ‘those who are against me.’ I will no longer give power to my enemies. They should mention only the things that I am doing. I like that one with the almajiri boy. It shows Nigerians that I have helped with education in the North. They should make more advertisements like that.”
In response, Man Thursday could only nod vigorously but mutely.

Later, after eating vegetable soup with periwinkle and a plate of sliced fruits – he was determined to keep himself from looking like Man Monday – he asked Sharp Woman to meet him in the residence. Not in the main living room, but in the smaller relaxing white parlor. Sharp Woman was the only one he fully trusted. He had sometimes allowed himself to sideline her, when he had felt blown this way and that way by the small-minded pettiness of other people. She was the only one who had not allowed him to dwell too much on his own victimhood. Once, she had told him quietly, “You have real enemies. There are people in this country who do not think you should be president simply because of where you come from. Did they not say they would make the country ungovernable for you? But not everything is the fault of your enemies. If we keep on blaming the enemies then we are making them powerful. The Bourdillon people are disorganized. They don’t have a real platform. Their platform is just anti-you. They don’t even have a credible person they can field, the only major candidate they have is the one they will not select. So stop mentioning them. Face your work.”
He should have listened then, despite the many choruses that drowned her voice.

It was she who, a few days later, and after the four rubbish candidates stage-managed by Man Friday, brought the new PR people, Kikelola Obi, Bola Usman and Chinwe Adeniyi – when he first saw their names, he thought: and some crazy people are saying we should divide Nigeria. They were in their early thirties, with rough faces and no make up; they looked too serious, as if they attended Deeper Life church and disapproved of laughter. They started their presentation, all three taking turns to speak. They stood straight and fearless. Their directness and confidence unnerved him.
“Sir, we voted for you the first time. We felt that you would do well if you had the mandate of the people instead of just an inherited throne. We liked you because you had no shoes. We really liked you. We had hope in you. You seemed humble and different. But with all due respect sir, we will not vote for you again unless something changes.”

He nearly jumped up from his seat. Small girls of nowadays! They had no respect! As if to make it worse, one of them added that if the election were held today, the only person she could vote for was The Man From Lagos. Oga Jona bristled. That annoying man. Even if a mosquito bit him in his state, he would find a way to blame the president for it. Still, Oga Jona could see why these foolish small girls were saying they would vote for him. The man had tried in Lagos. But their mentioning The Man From Lagos was now a challenge. He would rise to the challenge.

“Sir, the good news is that Nigerians forgive easily and Nigerians forget even more easily. You have to change strategy. Be more visible. Stop politicizing everything. Stop blaming your enemies for everything. You have to be, and seem to be, a strong, uniting leader. Make sure to keep repeating that this is not a Muslim vs. Christian thing.”
Oga Jona cut in, pleased to be able to challenge these over-sabi girls. “You think Nigerians don’t know that it is mostly Christian areas that they are targeting in Borno? And what about all those church bombings?”
The three shook their heads, uniformly, like robots. They were sipping water; they had declined everything else.

“With all due respect sir, if you look at the names of bombing victims, they are Muslims and Christians. If God forbid another terror attack occurs, you have to come out yourself and talk to Nigerians. Stop releasing wooden statements saying you condemn the attacks. We will prep you before each public appearance. You have a tendency to ramble. That’s the most important thing to watch out for. Be alert when you answer each question. Keep your answers short. You don’t have to elaborate if there is nothing to elaborate. Stick to the point. If they ask you something negative, be willing to admit past mistakes but always give the answer a positive spin. Something like ‘yes, I could have handled it better and I regret that but I am now doing better, and am determined to do even more because Nigerians want and deserve results.’ You have to start reaching out beyond your comfort zone. Nigeria has talent. Look for the best Nigerians on any subject at hand, wherever they may be, and persuade them to come and contribute on their area of expertise. Especially the ones who have no interest in government work. Even one or two who don’t completely agree with you. Think of Lincoln’s Team of Rivals.”

“What?”

“Don’t worry, sir. The important thing is to reach out beyond your circle. Oga Segi was not a calm person like you. He even used to threaten to flog people. But he had a good network. Jimmy Carter is his friend. If he needed expertise from a university in Zaria or Edinburgh or Boston, he would pick up his phone and know somebody who knew or somebody who knew somebody who knew. But with all due respect, sir, you don’t have that. Bayelsa is a small place.”
These girls really had no respect o! He glared at Sharp Woman, who shrugged and muttered, “You said you wanted people who would tell you the truth.”
But he listened.

In his first interview, the words rolled off his tongue. Those girls had made him repeat himself so many times. “I want to apologize to the Nigerian people for some actions of my government. We could have done better. No country fighting terrorism can let everything be open. But we owe our country men and women honest, clear assurance that we are taking decisive action, with enough details to be convincing. I ask for your prayers and support. I have directed the security services to set up a website that will give Nigerians accurate and up-to-date information about our war against terrorism. I have also hired specialists to manage the flow and presentation of the information.”
And the words came easily when he shook hands with the parents in Chibok, simple polite people who clutched his hand with both of theirs. He should have done this much earlier; it was so touching. “Sorry,” he said, over and over again. “Sorry. Please keep strong. We will rescue them.”
The words were more reluctant when he wore a red shirt and asked to be taken to the gathering of The People in Red at the park. But he cleared his throat and urged himself to speak, particularly because, as he emerged from within his circle of security men, the People in Red all stopped and stared. Silence reigned.

“I came to salute you,” Oga Jona started. “We are on the same side. My government has made mistakes. We are learning from them and correcting them. Please work with us. Together, we will defeat this evil.”

They were still silent and still staring; they were disarmed. He thanked them and, before they could marshal their old distrust, he turned and left. That night, as he sank to his knees in prayer, he heard the muted singing of angels.

Chimamanda Adichie is an award winning writer and author of bestsellers including Purple Hibiscus, Half of a Yellow Sun, The Thing Around Your Neck and Americanah.

217 comments:

1 – 200 of 217   Newer›   Newest»
Anonymous said...

Linda, I also want to believe u didn't read this!!!
Too long abeg, off to bed!

Anonymous said...

To God be the glory, gr8 things He has done. Pretex4luv@yahoo.com

Anonymous said...

Hmmm!

Anonymous said...

“I am going to Chibok tomorrow. I should have
gone a long time ago. Now it will look as if I am
going only because a foreigner, a small girl at that,
told me to go. But I will still go. Nigerians have to
see that this thing is troubling me too.”
Touching!!
Cooldavoe@yahoo.com

Eugenia Ekeji said...

Hmmm. This madam is Just too much.

Unknown said...

AV READ HALF, WILL CONTINUE TOMORO...... FUNNY BUT TRUE
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Moye B

Unknown said...

Omo see story...I can't read this finish.make sense sha



You Won’t Believe what this Snake Girl is Doing with Her Body. So Flexible!
Here

See how this two girls entertained the crowd
Here

What this Ghanaians are doing during a pool party will surely amaze you
Here

Yinka said...

This is great but with bias. She's talented no doubt. She can do better with more objectivity.

Anonymous said...

Its all good...But if only pigs could fly, and cows could bark...

BONARIO NNAGS said...

Everybody writes, anybody can write, but when poets/intellectuals write, they appeal to the conscience.
It will take only someone who has been following the trend in the polity over the few weeks to grasp what Chimamanda was trying to portray here.
She just passed a very pertinent and sincere message to our president. There is no amount of work that a Levick or any PR in the world can do to salvage the already dented image of the presidency, than our dear president being responsible for some actions instead of trading blames.
No need paying foreign PR consultants millions,when what you are looking in Sokoto is ur Shokoto.
Chimamandas short story re-echoes the stand of Catholic Archbishop of Abuja, John Cardinal Onaiyekan,in the interview he granted Rockcity 101.9 fm in Abeokuta, where he told the presidency to stop living in denial.
For us to win this battle against boko haram, we must all see it as a,common enemy, our govt should shun every blame game, and this newly employed tactics of labeling anyone with divergent political view a boko haram member or sympathizer.
Its not always easy to gather after scattering.

~BONARIO~says so via NOKIA LUMIA

Unknown said...

a.k.a EDWIN CHINEDU AZUBUKO said...
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Pay me b4 i read it....
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***CURRENTLY IN JUPITER***

Her Excellency said...

Your Excellency all these are for u o. Infact u r d main character here. U have an assignment to perform @ chibok. Nice work Chima!

Unknown said...

With the right team of advisers, GEJ can take Nigeria places...
Linda, I see this is what you've been reading that made no posts and comments, forthcoming, for a while.
*Now, I want a roasted groundnut*...
Kudos to Mrs Adichie; she's a talent..


* My R1.50c comment *

Cute G said...

The illustration fits the material.But my heart bleeds to realise that all transcends to being a Pseudo President that we never had and a pseudo situation that never existed.

Unknown said...

Mehn. .... linda . This article or story is too long ooo... I couldn't finish it

@MEETD®EALEVANS™ said...

Whao dat was long... Xo whts d moral?

Unknown said...

Chimamanda spins out a moment of clarity for the president. A bit daring with some parts but overall impressive.
Message passed.

Anonymous said...

She's right, I would actually vote Jonathan if he had balls, was assertive and actually cared about his people. But now I'm for the "man from Lagos". Ahmed

««« THE ONE AND ONLY JOAN911 »»» said...

I admire her a lot, she's so talented...

Unknown said...

I read every word and wished it didn't end..moro am going to get her books..wow!! This should be shown to d president

Anonymous said...

Chai! Dis woman is too much,hope Jona reads this

Unknown said...

My Mentor never disappoints... She always hit home with her writings... God bless you plenty Chimamanda, I love and Celebrate you.
I pray Oga Jona actually reads this and gets some new insight on possible noble course of action and better stewardship to the Nigerian people. God Bless Nigeria

Alexy Shehu said...

Don't know wot.they call this kind of write up in the literary world. But, pray tell, 'its jona' sud read this. Nd plz, Bodyguard Ruben.A sudnt dear release any press statement o.

Amarachukwu. said...

Haha..not talking.

Unknown said...

So true and I just wish he will listen

Unknown said...

Please LIB visitors, anyone with chimamanda's direct email address? I'd very much appreciate it.

Anonymous said...

Best article on this blog so far

Anonymous said...

Subtle, always designs her writing with trope. A humourously crafted story cajoling the present poor security situation in the country; dished out from the palatable menu of the African Duchess of words.

Anonymous said...

Wow!!!!'

Ese said...

One word......BRILLIANT!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Pls find another way to express ur expertise and leave our dear president alone, what is happening in this country is beyond u and ur write ups

Anonymous said...

Nicely written.

BRIGHTINO said...

Short of words

DOBY DOBY said...

Nice write up only if oga jona wil read it.. he shld terminate som of his advisers esp doyin.. chimamanda I salute u.. iv always knw oga jona has a good heart its jus d pple surrounding him

mz naikey said...

Wow!! Inspiring,I hope "oga jona" gets to read this.

Anonymous said...

What a brilliant mind, I wish it didn't end so soon. Like evry oda Nigerian youth I do not enjoy reading Bt with this piece I think I have 2 start searching for this lady's books. Only if jona cld have sense like dis. My take on dis issue has always been dat even if dame patience is d sponsor of boko haram,jona as the president of d country shld be able 2 quell it, rather Dan always attributing d menace 2 his enemies.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm..... It will be so nice to see Jona delivered. I've always liked Chimamanda

BRIGHTINO said...

Some mumu people will not read this yet they will comment

Unknown said...

This is hoping that our Oga Jona will rily see the light!! I share in your dream dear Chimamanda!!!!

Anonymous said...

Nigerians steadily losing the reading culture.all these illiterates complaining about the length of this article. Be ashamed.

Anonymous said...

Chimamanda, if you know so much, why don't you present yourself in Aso rock and talk to your president. What does this your long epistle mean because I read it? With your standing in the society, I believe Mr president won't hesitate in granting you an audience.

Anonymous said...

God bless this Madam!! Now LINDAAA can this thing get to presido? LINDAA (shouting) u hear wetin I talk soo?

Unknown said...

Chimamandaaaaa! very apt and nicely written. I salute you on your intellect and writing skills

Anonymous said...

Stroke of genius

chinyere said...

Shut d fuck up.. Her literary abilities pass ur level of comprehension. .

Anonymous said...

It's very easy to sit on the fence and talk thrash.....Nigeria problem didn't start with Jonathan,carry your long irrelevant epistle to Borno...and why is no one talking about the governors who only knows how to embezzle funds..shit story.

Anonymous said...

wow! Seriously this woman is everything, excellently written, subtle but very to the point.
But lets be honest Jonathan is a joke of a president, he ridicules this country more than anyone else has ever done

Anonymous said...

Who the fuck are you to criticise chimamanda ...

Anonymous said...

After watching MBGN finale, I carefully read through this. Mehn!! Chima,u sabi, no worry! Now Linda, this should get to Mr Jona biko, I dey beg. After reading this, he will be sober for a week and thereafter we will see boku results

Chidinma said...

I pray our president reads this

Anonymous said...

Oga jona u really nid to read dis

BRIGHTINO said...

If na blue film u will watch it from beginning to end without complaining

Anonymous said...

thanks mate @BONARIO NNAGS,your comment beat mine.

Anonymous said...

Very 9ce n interesting ......Aldou

Anonymous said...

She captures my thoughts. How I wish our President would read this and stop fighting nonexistent battles which he already has the authority over.

Anonymous said...

Spot on piece! Fantastic! #Lala

Mo said...

As in Chimamanda i fit dye on top ur matter eehh (literary work) cos i'm a lady and i am your number 1 fan. Reading this and imagining it happen will really change my opinion about oga jona. She is always amazing. U made my night

Shyla said...

Nice write up. But like someone said above, a little bit biased. Granted Jona is a nice man surrounded by sycophants and his team of bad advisers. But sitting on the fence and writing these will not get us anywhere. The only person I admire is the Malala girl that risked everything to even come face to face with Jona. I agree she was granted the audience due to her international recognition but still, the problems we are facing in this country is deeply rooted. If international bodies have failed to cure our problems, I wonder if this writeup, politically motivated (ladies in their their 30s part as advisers; a self campaign) or otherwise will get us there.

Anonymous said...

Like the fact that she is still abreast of everything going on in Nigeria. I thought the veiled reference to Tinubu as Bourdillon was classic.

Mo said...

There is no bias here at all. She spoke the truth. If you are neutral n apartisan u will agree but if u support a party opposed to the person running for office you would not agree. I believe u belong to the latter.

Mo said...

Well said Bonario

Mo said...

Loved the description of Doyin Okupe

Anonymous said...

PDP rat. You cannot even appreciate the literature. Hiss. Sychophant oshi

Anonymous said...

Chimamanda is an amazing writer. This just sums up GEJs problem and solution. Get up and act like the president we elected, drop all the yes men around you, hire a proper team. I wish the man could read this.

Her Excellency said...

Go 2 (mail@whylieagency.co.uk).

Anonymous said...

Amazing message from a clear thinking messenger. Fabulously delivered it would be wonderful if Reuben Abati in particular found the courage to present this to the President.

Anonymous said...

Oga Jona's advisers have finished him!!!

Why would they all tell a lie to a 17 year old Pakistani?? I still find that puzzling!

Why promise to 'see the Chibok parents' in 24 hours when there was no real plan to do so?

And then the wuruwuru meeting did not take place! And Okups nailed it by claiming it was the fault of BBOGG.

Nasty. Terrible!! Total desecration of the office. What kind of advisers does the President have?

I dont know for him!

Unknown said...

U must be very sick. U talking as if u read it urself. U jst came here to form... f**k u

Unknown said...

Well said dear... Stop blaming your enemies stop politicising, face the problems of the nation and find a way to solve them completely. We need a change in This country

Anonymous said...

Who the fuck are you to criticize him for criticizing Chimamanda?? Is she God?? STFU biko!

ary said...

I wish Jona will read this, this is a ready solution to all Nigeria's problem past and present! I love this piece! Once I started reading it, I couldn't put it down, mostly because Chimamanda is a great storyteller, it was as if I was tell the story! It just rolled off the tongue with such ease. Great piece, I tell ya!!!

Ichie Arigwogwo said...

This lady is just irressistible with words..
Subtle, yet punchy. A word is enough for the wise.
I agree with her completely

Unknown said...

So interesting..... I read it all but this is an illusion cos the system is never about oga jona rather PDP otherwise they will unseat him. so 4get it..

Anonymous said...

God bless u my dear cuz chi chi...... Now back to work...,, tanks for giving d govt light on how to think deep bout dis B.H members.

Unknown said...

I totally agree wiv yu Mo. I fit die ontop ur matter Chimamanda. This woman is a story teller,and she even teaches in her story telling. Oga Jonaa,dis is a lecture,Change101,take it serious!!!!

Anonymous said...

Yes Yinka,where is ur work!
***Yeancah***

s2heddy steamz said...

Make sense article.ur views have bn echoed tho in a cunning but clear way..d truth is, we re in denial.everyone is suggesting no one wants to be suggested..na who ready kpuff 4 Nigeria

Anonymous said...

satire at its best! if funmi iyanda wrote this,half of LIB wud condemn the messager. they wud reason it with igbotic mind,thank God it was from adichie

Unknown said...

I already have two of her books and aiming for the rest. Her writing is something extraordinary. Nothing like it! Chimamanda you are genius. Btw love her natural looks.

Unknown said...

I already have two of her books and aiming for the rest. Her writing is something extraordinary. Nothing like it! Chimamanda you are genius. Btw love her natural looks.

Fify said...

This is amazing!!! A lot of insight!! If Jona had approach the matter this way!! A lot of things would have been solved! But it's not too late!

Anonymous said...

This is called cluing somebody in. Chimamanda wants GEJ to succeed, and she's drawn him a blueprint.

Anonymous said...

Its amazing to me that some people think this is too long. True reflection of how dead the reading culture is among the youths

Anonymous said...

Bonario from where did you copy this elucid comment you pasted here? You are usually the 'Baba God will...' or 'government should...'. type.

Unknown said...

That's to say that oga jona doesn't have good PR's in terms of advising him on the affairs and security of the state.nice write up Adichie

Anonymous said...

Kudos. You are stupid and proud of it.

Anonymous said...

The moral is that the money spent on your education was wasted.

Anonymous said...

And they lived happily ever after. Switching to reality, quite achievable though but really difficult with the president forever suffocated by sycophants and hopeless mediocre who always believe they love Oga Jona more than we the electorates that voted for him. I personally believe he loves and wants Good for Nigeria but his team is always bereft of good ideas, I prefer him to Bourdillon though, they are too annoying, and their media propaganda is obnoxious. I really hope he pastes his name in gold in the sands of time when he finally bows out (2015/2019). #StayBlessed. From the Chronicles of Izegbu (Ndokwa Nation)

Anonymous said...

Miss Linda
No time to read all that



BORN TO SHINE!!!!

Anonymous said...

I hopes He read dis........bt i cant finished it,its too long..........Our own Oga jona will neva reason like dat cos HE IS A THIEF

Anonymous said...

Well written Chimamanda. Reuben Abati is reading this, abi? Hopefully the President sees and reads this piece. Well done girl.

Oy

Unknown said...

And who d shit are u to talk on chimamanda's behalf? Does she know u? Taa getaaat!!! Eye service.....

Anonymous said...

Lmao

Peejay said...

Seriously, Jona needs to read this brilliant and illuminating piece. Its a call for him to grow a pair (pardon my french), admit his past errors and then make amends going forward.
I think his PR team should be fired, no past president has had it this bad with cartoons, puppets and videos all mimicking and insulting him.
I wish there was a real life Olivia Pope who could help him get his acts right so we can move this nation forward together (emphasis on the word "together").
On a lighter note though, lol @ liquid peace and ugly studio backgrounds.
@ Chimamanda, pls when are you releasing your next book? I've read my collection of your books over and over again. Keep it up.

Anonymous said...

Mr/Mrs anonymous, is she like an idol u worship? She is good no doubt, but wat yinka says is true

Unknown said...

Thank u ooooh jare! Her own too much......she'll just perch on a tree Somewhere in america writing such long long shit but won't. Come back n fix d damn proob herself! Agwo tugbukwaa gi there chimamanda. Insult me and die!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Impressive, never expected less from such a distinguished Nigerian.
First off, I wish every girl, lady and woman will aspire to be like you. You are simply sensational and a great asset for this generation Mrs Chimamanda. I'm very proud of you.
As for Oga Jona, he might never hear these wise words again. Linda, endeavor that he gets this message as the content can actually begin to turn the tide of this great nation. Not just for us
here now, but generations yet unborn.
May God Bless us all and may God bless Nigeria!

Unknown said...

Lollll! Chai there is evil in this world o hahahah. I love Chimamanda

Anonymous said...

Me Too..........nd Man Friday, Thursday lol.. She is good

Anonymous said...

Somebody makes a move in the right direction, something u can never think of and you sit back nd call it a shit story!! ..........You are one of the Damned

Qurzim said...

Every word is worth its ink

sunny said...

Hmmm? I know u don't read it at all ,

see coding 'mam from lagos' and 'oga segi'.

Anonymous said...

Bonario,this is your best post yet. God bless you. And God bless Chimamanda too for having' wisdom beyond her years'.

Anonymous said...

Sardonic,..laced with mild polemics..well done to my unsual satirical Adichie. @Fortunedexcel

Anonymous said...

Chimamanda Adichie, you are the best.

Anonymous said...

Really brilliant piece from Chimamanda. I pray it somehow gets to the Presidency. God bless Chimamanda. And Bonario, I always look forward to your comments and stops scrolling after yours, you have a sharp mind, kudos

JustPorsh said...

Amazing write!
I just wish that somehow, this wud get to Oga Jona. To inculcate a few of these reforms mentioned here wud go a long way in salvaging the situation in Nigeria.
Too many bad belle people dey our government. He's truly surrounded by giant snakes.
God save our president!

PURPLE said...

God. This is amaaaaaaaaazing! Dis babe is a rare talent

PURPLE said...

Concured! From start to finish

PURPLE said...

U just displayed how idiotic and daft u are

Anonymous said...

love it,..patoswife@gmail.com

Unknown said...

Well said. At some point I thought I was watching a movie while enjoying the short piece. Here we are with people using their talents, deep thinkers to profer solutions to the problems of our country and some person is there bragging about blocking people in his TL because he was criticised. God bless you young Adichie.

Anonymous said...

She is toooooo much!!!wish 'oga jona' will read dis type of write up...she hit d nail on d head albeit in a satiric way... as 4 u anon 10:39 u r unbelievably unintelligent & obviously dumb!!!

Unknown said...

awesome writing...frank and Nigerian

Anonymous said...

@ yinka i beg 2 disagree!!!wot bias except u don't know d def of bias!!!pls park & i mean park well....

Anonymous said...

Exactly lmao...

Anonymous said...

Well sd Bonario couldn't hv put it beta...

Anonymous said...

Go jump in a very DEEP well..

Anonymous said...

@vivian hw will u finish it wen it is not a gossip story???f*****g retard...one of d reasons we r churning out half baked graduates-most of dem can't be bothered 2 read intellectual write ups or articles!!!

Anonymous said...

Trust d bloody misguided sycophant & lying mofo he will...

Anonymous said...

A reader with a mind of his or her own.

Anonymous said...

I think this is insulting!

Bosslady said...

Are you not a fool and a Zombie?

shining claire said...

Really great article. If only our revered leader will go through it and heed the lessons contained therein. Chimamanda is a writer with a difference.

Noah said...

Brilliant write up but I was more curious with the comments here. Our reading culture needs help. I can but wonder why some people will say this write up is too long! No wonder the country is in a mess when the young ones are no longer interested in reading a masterpiece like this. Shame on you!

Anonymous said...

Perfect... And dats why shes the best for now. The presidency and its oppositions hv turned this war to a joke, as soon as there is a blast, the hurry to the hospitals to go and take pictures with the victims as if its a competition and who no take pictures no go win. I pray dearly for my country cos me no get anywhere to go o. I go die for here!

Anonymous said...

Jesus!dis woman dey write..so so so inspiring

Anonymous said...

That man in lagos, if mosquito bites him in his state, he would blame the presidency. Kai. Interesting piece.

Anonymous said...

This is Epic. I really wish Oga Jona would see this.

Anonymous said...

Shame on my generation, but you read Peter Okoye's story. God help this lazy young Nigerians

Anonymous said...

That u should stop being a foolish boy and read more mind blowing articles

Anonymous said...

God bless you Chimamanda. You have in your own way contributed a lot to this Great nation. Talk about using your talent. Nigeria can actually be a beautiful place. It starts from one willing person and the rest will some how fall into place. I hope our president not only reads this, but is moved to action. Linda, thanks for sharing this. You are also doing an amazing job. Nice day to you all.

Anonymous said...

I weep for you idiot

Anonymous said...

@Chimamada, I so much admire your skillful way of writing but I do not agree with you most times in certain issues. Before it was your write up about LGBT and how our country should let it pass, now comes this one. You are a master of words no doubt buts sometimes you seem to be highly biased and opinionated. It’s always imperative for one to have an unbiased approach to critical issues like the one you raised here. Please try to be neutral in your submission and always get the “TWO SIDES OF THE STORY” like you will always preach so you don’t start losing your credibility before the same people that once hold you in high admiration. #TO BE OR NOT TO BE#

Anonymous said...

“I should not have listened to what they told me in that Paris summit. Why did I even agree to follow them and go to Paris, all of us looking like colonised goats?”

Lovely Article, Made my day/weekend. Thanks to Chimamanda for writing and to you Linda for posting. WIshing you a lovely weekend.

3sha3sha12 said...

Wow wow wow this babe is so talented with a capital T! I shall now look out for her other books! Amazon should have then...wow!

Unknown said...

Awwww this got me: After all, let us tell the truth, what can an ordinary person do? Nothing! Even those people who check cars, if they open a boot and see a big bomb, what will they do? Will they try to subdue an armed suicide bomber? Will they pour water on the bomb to defuse it? Will they not turn and run as fast as their legs can carry them?

“I should not have listened to what they told me in that Paris summit. Why did I even agree to follow them and go to Paris, all of us looking like colonised goats?”

God Bless you darling, you left no stone unturned. Muah.. Damn That Was a Long Good Read I must say..

……………..
.
.
.
¤GROWN MAN IN A YOUNG BODY¤

Ms Air said...

Like Nigeria was that simply to rule!!!!
I actually hope for the revelation for Oga Jona

Unknown said...

Do you even understand what she's writing about? I doubt. Please name one person in your kindred that can write as well as she does or even someone with a vivid imagination.

Unknown said...

Couldn't have put it better.

Anonymous said...

Great Article by a great artist. Those who have ears let them hear. Kudos to the messenger and message!

Anonymous said...

Jona did not need Levick for pr, he should just employ Chimamanda......she said it all in a very simple fashion....

Anonymous said...

Is she a god? That can't be criticized? Abeg comot for road make I pass

H S C said...

God bless you Chimamanda

Unknown said...

Really?

Anonymous said...

@Chimamanda, a point of correction about you liking Deeper Life Church members with sadness and frowning of faces. Deeper lifers are happy people and filled with God's grace within and without. Carefully choose your words next time.

Unknown said...

Kudos to you Chimamanda for your nice and very well crafted piece. I loved the humour in it and veiled references to people like Tinubu, Reuben Abati and even Fashola. The message in it was efficiently passed, hopefully Oga Jona gets to read it and adopts some of your strategies hoping it would bring about a change. I honestly voted for him because he appeared different seeing that he had no shoes, a humble man that will relate with most Nigerians at an average level but alas! Well truth be told there's possibly more to it than you we can see or understand but like you rightly said Nigerians are very forgiving people all they want to see is a President that's is truly doing his best to ensure the safety, success and unity of this beloved nation. Long live Nigeria!

Anonymous said...

Seriously I read through and mehn she was wonderful. I just pray it happens real.

Anonymous said...

I swear seems u don't know Chimamanda Adichie. Maybe u think it's just an LIB reader.

Anonymous said...

Great piece Chimamanda!now the children on this blog as ignorant as they are will write all sorts not knowing that a real picture of words of the Nigerian situation has been painted for them. Pls Oga Jona if you read this there is talent in the country you govern and some of us had to go to distant lands to acquire knowledge. Chimamanda I salute you once more.

Anonymous said...

Chimamanda, please marry me. I will divorce my stuck up lawyer wife who cheats on me.

omaahhonda said...

Anything "chimamanda" is gooooood,me likey

Anonymous said...

if this is fiction then its closest to reality..I've not read your books @Adichieparody but will start asap.. and please we need a continual suffice to "The Miraculous Deliverance Of Oga Jona"
We appreciate you Chimamanda Adichie..@lala2love

Anonymous said...

As chinyere said .. Shut the fuck up! You are a fool and will always be a fool. Anony stupid! People like u are d reason y Nigeria is this way! And if u curse me back, Ogun go kee u. ... Waffi babe

uzo chijioke said...

Great, but who can tell me the percenta
ge of nigerians or even the elites that will have the patience to read this master piece.

Unknown said...

Wow! This is more like what we need our musicians and actors to create. Very witty and satiric.

Anonymous said...

This is just the truth. Things should be this way. A billion likes for this article. Wow!

Unknown said...

Chimamanda is so seld righteous she should begin with employing nigerian pr first na or she will soon say she doesn't do pr, how else has she been getting features on Beyoncé's album and bla. Her pr prolly also told her to do this righr up. Jona was wrong but then let he who is wothout sin b d first to cast a stone.

Anonymous said...

Very,very nice write- up. She couldn't have put it better. I guess if all of us could think like chimanda ,Nigeria would be a better place. .

Unknown said...

I agree with Yinka 100% too biased to judgemental too self righteous

Anonymous said...

Stfu

Unknown said...

This is a revelation... this is just the beginning of a new beginning....

Unknown said...

Wow!quite a story teller u re.a nice literal piece,u always deliver BUT as I always say,you can always say or write what you know and still that doesnt make it the truth!its always easy to see others faults when sitting on the other side of the fence Americanah and can only understand how nagging an ache is esp that of a tooth if you u ve ever suffered one.its just like seeing your father's or mother's continous weakness n mistake but instead of understanding n helping,you judge,criticize n murders!at the end it doesnt help u or the patent.*my thoughts*

Anonymous said...

well said indeed, but my fear is the ease of corruption of the human mind. How many people can stand before power and still maintain their stand on matters, forget what we all say behind close doors.

Patriot 4 Naija said...

WOW! I hv never read any article on linda ikeji even half dis long but i read dis to d end. The pen is indeed mightier and d sword (or gun). I wish our president reads dis cos dis article is packed with advice which he can benefit from. Long live Naija.

jbankzE said...

I so luv her,she gat dat talent..... She made mi laugh nd let sad abt y ds country nEedz hlp nd prayers.... Jonathan needs 2 read ds or appoint her as his SA,his adviser r dstroyin em

~@iamJbankz Olamide's PA~

Anonymous said...

Good and well written article chimamanda.Your words are subtle and well connected to the things that happen in the corridors of power. PLEASE OUR PRESIDENT TAKE YOUR TIME AND READ THIS ARTICLE.YOU WILL BE WELL INFORMED.

Mikha'el said...

I only wish Jonathan will somehow read this, all of it. There is still hope I believe. Chimamanda, thanks for using your gift the right way. Linda, thanks for letting us see this.

steph said...

Wow! Nice write up I must confess chimamada, your works are truly defined literary .It mirrors the happening of this great nation Nigeria, I pray the president reads this and act fast before it gets worse. She said it all, a word they say Is enough for the wise.
Also to bonario nice contribution.
Steph .A.

Abah Abraham said...

if you are a progressive Nigerian you would relate with this....i salute this lady...she's got a soul..i wonder why our leader wont just see through there glasses and do whats right.its so clear yet we are finding it hard to act....pls jona read this, act on it and lets move forward

Anonymous said...

Onli a fool will fault dis....n ofcuz,we hv soo many fools here.

Anonymous said...

Please dear chimamanda if you don't have respect for the person of jonathan as the president of federal republic of nigeria,you should at least respect the sit in which he occupies.if what you went to america to learn is how to insult your president please kindly stay back there.I know you can't write this rubbish to Mr obama because by now you will know your faith. I like your books but this one is a no no for me

Vex said...

@meetdrealevans- your parents shda sent their maid to school instead. I would hv been better investment!

Anonymous said...

Lovely piece from the intelligent writer Chimamanda. Bonario 3310, you ve also spoken my heart

Unknown said...

Simply encapturing

Unknown said...

I swear I got halfway and my eyes started itching....bt I still could read some reasonable comments such as bonarios..god bless these intelligent ppls I got to knw here + chimanda . God help our nigerian government

Anonymous said...

Great write ups...wow... www.napaffiliates.com

Anonymous said...

Everything na pseudo...u just learn the word?

Anonymous said...

The same advisers will ensure it never gets to Jona. Pity

Anonymous said...

Not surprised by wilhemina's comment. Daft, village punk. I'll bet she didn't even read the article through.

Anonymous said...

beautiful writeup. Wake up call on all. Even d commentators

Anonymous said...

Fantastic writeup as usual. I only have one point of disagreement. She seems to blame most of Jona's failures on his advisers. Jona needs to take responsibility for his own stupidity. We voted for him and not his hangers-on the buck stops on his table.

Anonymous said...

Chimamanda! Dis is beautifully articulated! Lets jus pray ogaJona reads it! ...... Bottles ofLiquid peace indeed. Lol

Anonymous said...

That is the truth about our society! We wait instead to be spoofed the "gist" of it all no wonder they feed us cock n bull stories. We know better but we don't demand better and worse yet, don't try to get better for ourselves we just want to be given better not fight for better

Anonymous said...

Why? What has jona done that is beyond reproach? What contribution or improvement to our society has there been? Don't tell me about 4 or so lousy highways that should never have been destroyed in the first place. That is like a Professor clapping himself on the back because he can teach 1 plus 1 to uni students. Basic and unnecessary

Anonymous said...

Brilliant absolutely brilliant. I agree there will be few who will actually read the whole thing my bff included. For those who have, agree or disagree with the author you are one of the special ones in our country in these days of our greatest challenges. If you agreed you weren't lazy in the early part and give up reading. If you disagreed you waited till the end to voice your disapproval. We are allowed to have differing viewpoints but let's not let that be the end of it. Let us get up and if we agree with the author demand change and push those like Fasola to enter the race at national level to bring the change our nation deserves. If you disagree and believe in the greatness of Jona, let's not argue with the unenlightened ones but instead push his representatives line Abati to show the truly great things our president has done and the impactful changes he has made. Time to turn things around is now and it starts with us

Anonymous said...

Lovely piece!

Anonymous said...

President Jonathan should employ Chimamanda ASAP

Unknown said...

Chimamanda Adechie has just shown that she is still a child because what she has presented here is very childish wishful thinking. She needs to look at the governance of Nigeria from realistic and not idealistic prism. Obviously the President has more information that her on all the topics she satirized. So the President's actions are guided by some considerations she does not know.

Unknown said...

btw... thank God for this democratic dispensation.. if it was the time of Abacha, some biros will stay asleep.. we wouldn't even dare to as much as think aloud .. abi who wants to get whisked away?
I can imagine even OBJ seething with rage like "how dare this small geh!" "Am I your father's eldest brother's mate?!"

Anonymous said...

First comment on LIB because the article was simply too good to be ignored. Bravo.

Anonymous said...

I so agree with anon8:18 this write up is amazing buh kinda biased a lil more objectivity will do

Unknown said...

Good work. Do we have leaders in this country. Untill the generation of the so called leaders ruling us presently is passed, the problems of this country may escalate. They recycle the old ideas, no new innovations. Except we depart from that old fashion, this is just the beginning. God will help them to match their words with actions. Once again, excellent article by Chimmamada

Unknown said...

Good work. Do we have leaders in this country. Untill the generation of the so called leaders ruling us presently is passed, the problems of this country may escalate. They recycle the old ideas, no new innovations. Except we depart from that old fashion, this is just the beginning. God will help them to match their words with actions. Once again, excellent article by Chimamanda

Anonymous said...

This is rubbish, Chimamanda should know better. Is she now writing comics or serious fiction? Is this some sort of entertainment for her? I seriously don't get the idea of this crap.

Anonymous said...

Sorry I'm kinda late on this, seeing the numbers of comments already posted.
Nonetheless, did anyone notice this, when mentioning the names of the new PR's, she didn't mix Ibo name with Hausa's? Anyone notice that? That simply means not crowding a honest fact with fiction!
PERFECTION at work!

**Posting live from somewhere**

Anonymous said...

Lovely bit of fiction from the heiress to Achebe's throne. Ultimately nations get the leaders they deserve and if citizens feel dissatisfied they can express themselves in the best way they can or at the ballot box for the benefit of those who can't. One gets the impression that Naija may have once made sense to the Brits as an economic construct and probably still does today but was never intended to be a sovereign state because, as many tribalistic lords and puppets have discovered over the years, it is practically ungovernable. Partly because of the diversity that could easily be differentiated into 10 separate West African nations by population or two super states founded on either European or Arabian religious cultures and partly because of the high levels of poverty and ignorance. Change will come but we need two new home-grown crusaders; one who can set the standard without being afraid of being crucified and another who can lead us to the promised land. I fear Oga Jona, Bourdillon, the man from Lagos, sharp woman, Maradona, Baba Segi, Blue Hari and all their stooges need not apply. Vote for change, reclaim your nation, vote for none of the above until your head tells you a true party of the people has emerged with a leader you are proud to follow.

Aromire Gunther said...

I marvel at the way Young Nigerians - the future leaders of tomorrow complain that this article is too long and they can't read it. How do you read and pass in school then? Cheat and rely on getting answers from teachers/friends? I shake my head.
And to the people saying Ms. Chimamanda Adichie does not respect the President seat and whatever. Please go and take several seats on the mountain. Didn't you see when Joan Rivers called Obama gay and that his wife is transgender. When most of you have not been outside Nigeria, in the states, the UK, and other developed places they call out their government and let them know their views.
Great and touching article Ms. Chimamanda. Keep up the great work!

Anonymous said...

Excellent piece I must say. But there's nothing dat is said or suggested hia dat hs not been said or suggested prior. D delivery is impeccable I must say. Every man in d street knows these. Jona is not competent and he surrounds himself with selfish idiots. These are all common knowledge. Even if he reads this piece it won't change anything bc d man is not just competent. He just doesn't hv it in him. D sad part of d whole thing is dat I'm yet to see a worthy replacement or alternative to Jonathan. The opposition is even worse. Tinubu is a bigger crook. Only God can save Nigeria as things stand now.

Sandra Ezekwesili said...

This is beautiful work! Nigerians who are complaining its too long are sadly the type of advisers an unsuspecting president will employ someday> i *SMH in sadness. I couldn't even take my eyes off long enough to finish work and its print!! I never understood the 'Adichie" hype, (Never read her fiction) but now I'm sold! i dey go buy her books mehn! Damn! Hopefully Oga Monday and co go allow oga Jonah read this thing.

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