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Sunday, October 19, 2008

Dilemma

I got an email some days ago that left me numb for a few seconds. Someone I don't know asked for advice that I didn't know how to give. I asked permission to put it on my blog and seek advice from you all and she said it's ok. The email was actually long with her explaining a lot of things that I am going to keep private but here's the long and short of it.

Some weeks ago, she gave birth to a deformed baby who doctors say will need medical attention for the rest of his life. The child is barely alive, breathing through tubes and all. She wants to tell the doctors to take out the tubes and let the child die peacefully because she thinks it's unfair to want a deformed child to live when he will most probably be unhappy through out his life.

She also doesn't want a deformed baby mostly because she can't take care of one permanently. She says she's a single mum.

The thing is, she feels guilty as hell and wants to know if she's making the right decision...so she came to me.

This is beyond me so I'm coming to you guys.

Personally I think that child deserves a chance to live. Whether deformed or not. I saw a man on TV sometime ago with no arms, but he cooks, drives, and does everything with his legs. Imagine if his mum had killed him when he was born.

It's sad this lady would even consider killing her own baby.
But maybe I don't get it...maybe his deformity is so bad that if the baby could talk, he would ask to be killed. I don't know...don't know what else to say.

What do you guys think and what advice can you give her?

58 comments:

World Famous Simon SEEZ said...

Linda,

Been a while i've commented but I wish i had a perfect answer to give.... From a human point of view, one would tend towards saying the doctors should take the tubes out..since the baby is going to live a deformed life and she (the mother)might not get to love the baby very well or even she might not have the capacity to care for all the babies medical needs...

However, from a spiritual point of view, she is taking a life...but we must give her credit, she didnt abort the baby like many others would have... personally,i hope God aint reading my post 'cos i might tilt towards the first option but i think she should see a counsellor and a clergy person seated together so she could take a more informed decision.

Anonymous said...

Let the child go to his maker who created him that way peacefully.
it is tough enough as an able bodied person to fit in and live and cope in this cold cruel world that does nothing but judge,test and push you to the limit.Let alone for a child with many obvious challenges.
I have no idea why the good Lord would bless her with such a child,and in all honesty,i stopped checking on how God plays his thing.HE IS GOD AFTERALL.
Just spend a day talking and bonding with the child,say your prayers and pull the tubes out.
Life no matter how harsh this may seem,has to go on.
and if she does decide to succumb to euthanasia---may the childs beautiful soul rest in peace.
better than having a life-long of responsibilities,worry etc.if anything were to happen to her what would happen to the child?can she trust anybody else to take care of,understand and love that child the way she can??if its in nigeria--what facilities are there to take such a child into care?
if its abroad---then the child ends up in care--and??

some might label me a bitch for my opinion on this,but i know what im talking about.one of my closest friends is a mentally challenged 34year old man with the IQ of a 5 year old...he is not deformed physically,but mentally he is...and even with one of the richest parents around,life is still one endless vicious cycle for him.
the harsh truth for this lady is that if she decides to keep him alive,she is in for a very very tough ride,and he will be a life-long cross she has to bear...
and may she not reach a stage where she has decided to keep the cchild and then ten years down the line she will be wishing death to come.
YES i hve seen a mother pray for death for her own child when she saw the unbearable pain the child was in.

as God is my witness,i will ask for the tube to be pulled out.and will boldly stand before God when the time comes as to WHY i opted for that.

God bless them both whatever decision she makes

ED

ELSIE said...

THIS IS A VERY POIGNANT EMAIL AND MY HEART GOES OUT TO THIS FAMILY...FIRST OF ALL IT IS HARD FOR A LAY PERSON TO ADV ANOTHER TO PULL THE PLUG ON YOUR CHILD..WHICH IN MY OPINION WOULD BE "PLAYING GOD"..WHEN THAT PERSON IS NOT A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL, WHOSE EXPERT OPINION IT IS TO ADV ON IF IT IS REQUIRED TO DO SO...I CANT EVEN BEGIN TO IMAGINE THE MEDICAL EXPENSE INVOLVED .... WHAT WE CAN REALLY OFFER IS TONS AND TONS OF PRAYERS FOR THIS FAMILY AND THAT LET GODS EXPRESS WILL BE DONE IN THIS MATTER..

rayo said...

yes the child deserves a chance to live, but what kind of life are we talking about here, a life he'll wish he didn't have to live years down the line? there's no right or wrong here i think and even if his mother puts selfish reasons aside, there will still be other compelling reasons to let that child out of his misery fast. that's just my own opinion though

Anonymous said...

hey linda. this is my first time of commenting here.well in my own point of view,i think that she should keep the baby cos i believe maybe..there might be a miracle or somethin that might happen to the baby and is not good to allow the baby to die when the baby still has a little chance of living and moreover she is gonna regret it all her life for letting the baby die. i know it might be really hard for her to decide since she is a single mom but if she is a christain she should try and believe that miracles could happen.

phumie obe said...

hi,pls tell her 2 help herself n help d baby,God in the 1st place didnt design 4 humans 2 live on machines,so her solution is man-made n she should help put the poor baby 2 rest.she is only stressing the baby wi the machines.wat if der were no machines?would he/she still be alive?

Naijachic83 said...

So the baby is naturally dead but living with the help of a machine. So if there were no machines, the child would be dead, right.

I work in the same building where there are mentally disabled kids. Yes, they are put in a home where they have to be cared for because their parents cant care for them. You can imagine the kinda life they are living. They are mentally challenged, meaning they dont know where they are, what date it is, who you are and who they are, themselves. I am imagining the deformity has to do with his brain or heart or his nervous system. Just imagine the kinda life that child would be living. A life of misery. If a child needs machines to live and he is gonna be sick for the rest of his life, why put him through all that?

Anonymous said...

Hi Linda,

I think she should decide personally if she can handle it or not.That kind of child would need all the love and patience and if she feels she can deal with that for the rest of her life then its up to her.I know if she's in the states she might get some kind of help,but its only so much they can do but if she 's in naija,its going to be hell,depending on her finances so either she will live to regret it no matter what choice she makes but she has to decide herself or let the doctors do what is best.If she decides to pull the tubes,God will still bless her no matter her decision,there is no need to put the child through all that misery if she can't handle it.The earlier she makes the decision the better.Thats life,we have to move on and pray for better days.I wish her the best of luck in whatever she decides.

Anonymous said...

Personally, I think that it is fair to give the child a chance to live however, this is easier said than done. Until you have been through this, you can NEVER understand it and I know what I am talking about.

I think that if she pulls the plug, she may not forgive herself in the future. Let the child live and you never know, he could very well go on to beat the odds against him/her and go on to be the one that would make her the proudest...

May God strengthen this mother at this time and give her grace and courage to make the right decision....

Anonymous said...

I have been through the crisis before, my daughter was disabled right from birth, sometimes i felt "killing" her would be a better option. Thankfully she went to be with the Lord months back and i am now blessed with a well formed, able, adorbale daughter. pls don not take her life, God will do the best , He giveth and taketh. With time, things will fall into place. Love your daughter while she is still aorund so that you dont feel guilty the rest of your life. It is well in Jesus name, Amen

9ja's OT said...

i would say she should not pull the plug on the baby, he is human now and dont for convinience sake take a life that God ordained to acheieve something. dont worry God that gave you that baby will make a way for you. the baby can live and acheieve alot with the mercy and ordinance of God. and also occupational therapy is a profession that can help you deal with situations of the child growing up and educational adaptations and learning.

9ja's occupational therapist

Anonymous said...

Linda,

Apart from the Religion morality, residency should be part of the equation of decision making. If the lady reside in Europe or America the baby will have a higher percentage of living "a normal Life". To drive my point home, please google Stephen Hawking. If the lady reside in Nigeria we should pray not to be in her shoe. As a Catholic, I am bound to my Faith not to take live in this kind of situation. The final decision taken by this lady is between herself and the Good Lord.

Remi
Columbia,SC

Anonymous said...

wow this was the last thing I expected to find here today perhaps some naija gist or something, despite knowing along with everyonelse that Life is everything that is the case I must confess this is really touching, Having read most of the prior comments posted, setting aside all religious sentiments,and taking into consideration that what we are talking about here must be something terminal, I think it would be highly unfair of us to ask the mother to let the child live cause I suspect its only human ingenuity that is keeping the baby alive and if it was in this part of the world we would probably be thanking God for the mothers survival and from the tone of what she said (mother)it sounds like she has made up her mind and she is only looking for some sort of absolution which only time can give. it is important for us to note that it is terminal and not just some missing limbs to the mother whatever you decide would be right be it morally or spiritually and please dont weep for what you never had and move on with life it might be harsh but thats the truth and you know what they say, the truth is bitter.
Tara

Anonymous said...

Hmm, this is a tough one. People are saying that she should not pull out the tubes because it is up to God to decide that. However, if the child is surviving on tubes that MAN has created then has God not decided? Is keeping a person living on a ventilator the work of God or of man? Either way, it is a tough decision and I pray that the woman speak with God and allow him to help her with her decision.

Anonymous said...

'Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you through and through and chose you to be mine...'

Only God can explain certain mysteries in life. It is not for us to decide. A matter of life and death is always difficult to decide on becos his ways are not ours. I think she's stronger than she knows and should she decide to keep the baby, hidden strength and support will arise. He never gives us more than we can bear. Whatever her decision, it is well cos God loves her unconditionally and will forgive all our wrong decisions. The question is: can she be strong enough to forgive herself no matter the choice she takes??? She'll be in my thoughts and prayers. Sometimes life hard o o!

kayode Nerzxers said...

i think the best way is to let the child go peacefully. But they may also keep the child if they are rich enough and happy to cface all the troubles the child will bring upon them . Letting the child go is better than keeping it until a mature age and dump it somewhere living her or him to face life alone . But if u believe in God for Help, then u can keep the child believing that God will make him whole. Above all, i wish them the very best .

Anonymous said...

In my opinion, Anonymous 8:01pm gave the best answer.

Since God gave the child to you, believe that he could also make that child beat the odds to his glory. Faith is all you need...there is nothing God can not do. I know it is better said than done...but God is God, don't play God...believe in him to use this in ur favor...and avoid suffering guilt for the rest of ur life.

May God bless u, and lead you to make the best decision.

Nma

Anonymous said...

I believe God doesn't make mistakes, He does some things so that He can be glorified. Lookk at the blind man Jesus healed, the man was blind fom birth so that Jesus will open his eyes and God will be glorified. Let things take its natural cause. Trust me..if you pull the plug, the guilt will live with you for the rest of your life. What if that child was created that way for a purpose? Maybe it's to test how strong your faith is. My sista, search your heart...it's only a heartless being that will take a life regardless of the situation. Think about it!!! God is the ONLY one you need at this time. And please don't say I'm not being realistic....ther's no greater reality than the existence of a LIVING, POWERFUL and GRACIOUS GOD who can do all things. Even this one.

Iwalewa McDaniels said...

first, i dont think u shld say that she will be killing the baby if the tubes were to be removed. I believe that no one person can decide to take a life. Even if they remove the tubes, the baby might still live.

I don't know how bad the baby is but I av to commend her on not walking away cos a lot pple would av. I would av advised giving the baby up but in naija, s/he probably wont get good care. Even a baby that is not sick would require a lot care and attention so she shld do what is best for her.

Given the circumstances, I dont think she would be able to care for that baby so y put herself n the baby thru that?

ifeoma odogwu said...

first of all let me say this. That baby even if it cannot say what it wants now has a RIGHT TO LIVE just as everyone of us, i have seen disabled people who have gone on to achieve great feats why cant we believe dis one will make it 2.someone said God didn't create people to leave on machines. for d love of God! machines are part of medicine. if u take drugs when u r ill is it now fair to deny that child the right to the machines? so he/she too can live?
to the mother pls u r not the creator of this child so dont take dis life. the child has been born n dis is ur cross. the pain of living with dis child is huge but it can't compare with the guilt u will experience if u look dat baby in the eye n let him/her go.

Anonymous said...

Instead of taking her advice to you, she should take it to GOD.

Anonymous said...

hi Linda, in this case I will strongly advice u not to take a stance, he that wears the shoes feels the pinch, u are not her, the boy will not be living wit u, she is not God, she cant take some one else`s life, she should reconsider all her options and make a decision that best suits her. I wish her all the best.
And to u Linda, I wish u the very best.

mo'b said...

@ anonymous October 20, 2008 5:58 AM
Instead of taking her advice to you, she should take it to GOD???...

wow! thats just as self-righteous as it gets... i bet you've never sort advice/ opinions from people when u didnt know what else to do...4 Christ's sake, give the girl a break..
Here's a prayer that God guides and strengthens the mother at this time.

TWayne said...

Hmmnnn... this is a tough one and my heart goes out to her. But the truth is she needs to weigh her decision carefully because only she can live with the consequences of whatever decision she makes.

It's a cross between letting the baby live and and feeling sorry for the baby all the rest of her life or letting the baby die and living with the guilt of taking her baby's life.

Though no one hopes to find themselves in such a predicament, it may be unfair to let the child live seeing she may never have a normal life. The most difficult question to answer would be when the child asks "Mummy why am I like this?"

I like this lady's courage. She appears to have thought carefully about this. She knows it will be difficult to take care of this baby by herself and she is being realistic. But at the same time, religion and our beliefs say otherwise.

All I can say is, honey do what you think is best. No person has the right to condemn you for whatever decision to choose, as long as you can live with yourself.

Tell you what. Pray to God and ask Him to give you a sign in a specific number of days which will point you in the right direction. It works for me everytime; tried, tested and trusted.

My prayers are with you and I'll stick with you whatever you decide!

Anonymous said...

You dont take a life because of your own reasons or others judgement. You are a special person and that is why God chose you for this child. He could have given it to anyone else, but he chose you, you are special, a blessed one in his eyes. You cannot disappoint God. He will be there to strengthen you, life is not ours to take and this life is not our home, we are only on a journey. When you die and the child dies, you will return to your maker, what will be your account, what will be your story. Imagine what joy will fill your soul when Jesus says, thank you for a job well done and then he shares with you the reason he chose you.

Peter

paulette said...

HI LINDA,
Its such a touching story,its also a very sad one but i will advise that she does not end his life because GOD did not create anyone without a purpose in life.
There are so many deformed people who have become great people despite their deformities,she should know that there is a great ability in disability.
She should seek counsel from heaven and, think of what Jesus would do if faced with such a situation.

The Avartsy Poverty Foundation said...

Hi Linda,
I think this is a very personal decision for her. Most importantly she needs to seek the face of God on this one so he can advice her. HE is the one that gave her that child, HE already knows the beginning and end of that child. Keeping in mind that she is a single mother, she might not be able to afford all the expenses that come with taking care of a sickly child.
This is a tricky situation and I would say you advice her to pray, weigh the pros and cons and then decide what is best for her. (cos you don't want to advice her on exactly what to do and then God forbid, she comes to blame you later down the line)

Anonymous said...

It’s pretty easy to give advice, but before u do put yourself in this woman’s shoes. Am talking from a professional point of view (Psychologist). It actually depends on what part of the world she resides. She can give the baby up, foster parents, adoption; hospitals will help look for one. She does not have the right to remove the tubes except the doctor’s advice so. If she does she should be charged with MURDER. Also, there are group homes and nursing homes she can keep the baby, that way she can visit. Am giving alternatives cuz its sounds like she doesn’t want to keep the baby. Every Baby has the a right to live.

Anonymous said...

MSG 4 LINDA
This is my point of view. Can you leave ur blog open, that way bloggers can respond to each other without waiting for you to approve every messsage. It makes it more interesting and you can delete/remove messages you dont appreciate.

january said...

Abeg oooooooooo,,,,please let her pull the plugs and let him go...it's the best decision she'll ever take cos let's face it she might not be able to cope. I guess she knows deep down what to do but she needs enough justification to pull the plugs. Please do and save yourself the emotional torture. You might wonder why I say this...I had a cousin who also gave birth to a deformed baby..when the pregnancy was in it's third month, the doctor told her that the baby was deformed and advised that she should flush the baby but she disagreed and decided to keep the pregnancy pronouncing that with God...all things are possible. Yes, she finally gave birt to the baby and true to life, he's deformed, can never go to school,,,sleeps and eats all day cos that's all he can do and does not talk.She recently passed on and now her parents are the ones responsible for taking care of her baby as her husband is always claiming he's got liitle or no money while the parents are also managing. So,my dear sister..as harsh as it may sound...please pull the plugs and save urslef a whole lot of trouble..u'll be glad you did. Then Linda, one more thing...in this part of the world...i find it very hard to believe that she had not been informed about the baby's state before while in her early natal stages. Please let's not get too religious here

Anonymous said...

Madam, i knw u will read this comment one way or the other. I will just join my voice with those who have advised that u keep the baby.
This is a battle of conscience. God has a purpose for everythg that happens in life. Perhaps you will b championin a course for parents or relations of imbecile with an NGO, who knws.
Dont get d impression that its bcos am not feeling the pain myself. Am not a pastor but a strivin christian, I will continue to pray for you.
Appel to Linda: Pls follow this up. We want to knw her eventual decision. If possible provide pics or raise funds. God bless u dear!

Femi .S

Anonymous said...

Some of you here have said somethings that are just right, while some people have said stuff that i think they should be shot.They should let the child go to his maker!!!!! If it is the child's time to go HE/SHE will with or without machines.until then you have no power to that.
This life we live in, is a crazy place today you are hale and haerty and tommorow you are in a situation where by you can not even put food in your mouth and take a piss your self without tubes. does your family give up on you?
What if she had a normal baby(only God knows what normal is)and the baby got really sick ,and is now in the same situation, do you give that child a chance to still live or you will give it rat posion ?
This is to the crazy people who said she should pull the plug!

Anonymous said...

Hi Linda, I work with a boy who was born the same way(to cut it short), his mother decided to keep him alive and the little man is fighting each day and God is really doing something in his life. He has progressed better than the doctors say and he is one of the smartest 4yr olds I know. She should definitely see a pastor but if God gave her that baby, she should consider keeping him.

Anonymous said...

As a pediatrician in the US, I have seen situations like this and when parents ask me what I will do if it was my child, I give them the pros and cons and leave them make their own conclusions/ decisions because they will be the one to live with it not me.

As a mother, this is how I will react. The fact that "The child is barely alive, breathing through tubes and all" shows that she is merely sustained by machines. He was not born with tubes. Disconnecting the tube is not killing your baby. It's letting him go in peace. It's hard for parents to grasp that concept but it's the truth. That being said, It's your choice.

Anonymous said...

addedum to last comment...I'm assuming the baby is still at the hospital and she has been given options of stopping treatments.

Paris said...

ok i intentionally chose not the read d comments so as to avoid any form of bias watsoeva in my comment but let me start first by saying to everyone DO NOT JUDGE THIS WOMAN! i am guessing she is in nigeria b'cos, 80% of the tym here in the states, doctors can tell a woman if her baby is going to be "special" before it is even born giving her an option of continuing with the pregnancy or opting out! this baby is born now so this is even the harder part.

if she is in nigeria, then i understand how difficult it is and i will love for her to do anything but give up on that baby but u know what? no one died and gave me moral superiority over anyone.

if she is here in the states, then she should definitely let that baby live! there are so many programs here that provide big opportunities for special need kids.
matter of fact i know very well b'cos i have worked and still work from time to time with kids ranging from those who have autism, down syndrome, cerebral palsy, asperger's syndrome and the list goes on. trust me i know it is not an easy task to watch ur child go thru pain sometimes when working with these kids, i think to myself, my oh my! what will i do if i have a child who was born with deformities. truth is i do not know but what i do know is that i have grown to love these kids and yes they may be different scratch that..Special! but trust me, the bond u create with them is no different than that u'll have with a normal child! give it ur best to see this baby lives! if u can't i can only wish the best for u and ur baby!
God bless and then again, im sure ur also torn between ur moral conflict but u know what i will not even go there.
all i kno is that nigeria's system is super jacked and thus makes it harder for mothers with children with special needs to raise their kids and oh! lets not forget the ugly stigma with regards to these kids or pple with deformities period!

Paris said...

i want to know where this lady is located....naija or abroad?

Linda Ikeji said...

This lady lives in Nigeria.
@8:40pm.seriously i was tempted to tell her to let the child live and i'll take care of him for as long as I can...but the thought scared me.
She's reading everything and appreciates all your comments. But she said something about being more confused now than she was b4 she came to me...

I wish i cud show u all her emails...apart from dishing out advise, is there anything I/we can do for her?

!!Estella!! said...

First, GOD DOES NOT MAKE A MISTAKE!!!

God alone knows why her baby is deformed?

What is she not really telling here? For one, how did she end up as a single mother? She lost her husband? She chose to be a single mum? Did she attempt abortion or took harsh pills to rid herself of the baby and the baby ended up deformed? Is it a genetic thing? What is the baby's actual medical condition? How old is the lady?etc....


God gives and God taketh.

SHE SHOULD NOT KILL THAT BABY!!! MIRACLES STILL HAPPEN!!! THAT BAY MAY BE A BLESSING TO HER EVENTUALLY. SHE COULD EVEN FORM A GROUP FOR MOTHERS WITH DEFORMED BABIES....
She could do a lot. Someone could provide her with all she needs to take care of the baby?

I have a diploma in Special Education and have worked with deaf kids and mentally challenged kids.....they may look abnormal to us, but they are still GIFTS FROM GOD!

There is probably a woman out there that has been barren for maybe 20 years who is begging God to give them even a deformed baby to love and prove her womb is OK, and this lady here is thinking of killing her child?

I SAY NO!!!

THOU SHALT NOT KILL!!!

In just wish she was in America here , then she could get better assistance....but, God is EVERYWHERE

N.O said...

I think it will be very challenging bringing up a child like that. It may be less challenging when the child is a baby but what about adulthood??? I am an epileptic and i know what it is like taking pills everyday and living with the fear that your next seizure may come the night you decide to go on a sleepover or the night you lie in the cosy arms of that guy you are deeply into.
Sometimes the way that seems painful may be THE better way. I think this is euthanasia and it's the way out sad as it seems.

Anonymous said...

Being in the healthcare field. I would like 2 know - What is d diagnosis of this baby? What does she mean by deformed? Is it physically, biologically or mentally? I will give my suggestion when I get the full info. A baby might be on tubes if they are premies, has a heart problem etc. Once they are weaned will still live a normal life. Once again I would like 2 know the diagnosis of the baby.

Nwamaka said...

Honestly taking a child off from life support is not the same thing as giving a child something to kill him.
If the child is unable to survive without all this medical aide, the question is what kind of life is that? If this child is mentally retarded, physically deformed, and cannot live without all this medical machinery.
If man had not intervened, would this child be able to live? If she really feels what she is doing is for the best, she should pray about it and go ahead with the decision.
Either decision will be ok, but it is her decision. Imagine if someone's husband is in a car accident, brain dead, and physically deformed and can't survive without machines, would you keep him on life support forever? The point of life support is give people a chance for recovery, it is not intended to be used indefinitely. If there is no chance of recovery, is is fair to keep a person alive as a vegetable?

Anonymous said...

I personally think she should pull the tubes out, and let the child go. We live in a very cruel and wicked world, and I'm sure the child will have a very hard life. Sometimes, I believe that if a child is severely deformed it is better to let the child go than the child going through major or serious pain physically, mentally, and emotionally. I work in the medical field, and sometimes when I comes across children who are going through major pains, apart from all the drugs been put in their system just for them to make it, when in honesty there is not much that can be done, I will rather allow these children to go peacefully because afterall we are still humans, not God. But you know it is better said than done, and it depends on how severely it is. Thank God she kept the baby. In all honesty, it will be very hard for her and the child, I don't know if she believes in God, if she does, she should pray about it. Also, America happens to be a country that caters care and recognize people with deformities, where they have a better chance of making it in life, and even with that it is still hard but underdeveloped countries it will seriously be like hell especially when people with deformites are seen as major outcasts.

A still heartbroken mother said...

I too was a single mother, almost anyway. I went into premature labour at 22 weeks and gave birth to a perfectly formed (on the outside, anyway), absolutely beautiful little boy. I was offered the option of an injection to spare him any suffering as his quality of life if born alive would be very poor. Because i could not bear the thought of "killing my child", I declined. My son was born alive but I think he felt more in the labour procss than I did. He lived for a little while and I hate myself sometimes for selfishly choosing my conscience over his peace. I prolonged what must have been an already painful existence for him. I am not trying to draw any parallels between her situation and mine but I guess what I am trying to say is until YOU find yourself making that choice, there is absolutely no way to know how you would react or how you would feel. There is no right or wrong choice to make here. As a previous post aptly noted,you have to set your interests aside and make your decision based on what is best for your child.

I am friends with several women who are mothers to mentally disabled children and the one thing I hear from them consistently is that from day one, if they could, they would have had the tubes removed immediately. They love each of their children immensely but they are the ones who have to deal with these children and see their suffering. It is a full time job. you never change jobs or go on vacation. It is a never-ending expense with illness upon illness, therapy, medication. It is a lifelong commitment, a lot of times for a child that will never speak, or walk. A child who in some cases, experiences physical pain by the minute, cannot express the most basic of emotions. People forget that that child WILL grow up and become an adult in the technical sense but never grow up in the way we grow up. The most severe cases leave you with a permanent baby.

Can you imagine changing your 30 year old son's diapers at 50 or 60? Or carrying your 18 year old daughter to the car, to the shower and finally giving up and leaving her all day in her room because at 52, you are too tired to carry around a 170 lbs of dead weight and too financially strapped to afford one of those lovely mechanised sling thingies and the state won't pay for it. Imagine having 2 BScs and a Masters but taking work as an Administrative Assistant because it has good benefits (insurance that still doesn't cover everything) and allows you to take time off for weekly therapy appointments, doctors appts., and lets you run back home for an hour so you can be there to carry her upstairs when the bus drops her off. I could go on and on. All of what I have mentioned are things I have seen.

My dear, weigh your choices carefully and think about long term issues. Forget anybody's opinion. Can you live with whatever decision you make? You owe absolutely noone except yourself and God any explanations. Do NOT let some sanctimonious bullshit rule your choice.

The Avartsy Poverty Foundation said...

I don't quite know what else to say. It is pretty sad...Like I said before though, she wil be the one bearing the brunt of the responsibility for taking care of the child and as such she needs to do what is best for her, it's OK to take advice but when push comes to shove, some people might say another thing.
If she does decide to keep the child, maybe we can pool resources together and donate baby clothes or something of the sort. My foundation is not yet set up to accept financial donations because I am waiting to get IRS tax exempt status, but since it is focused on education, I'm sure that by the time her child is ready to attend school, my foundation will be more than able to help her.
I hope this helps somewhat.

Anonymous said...

I know in America she has the option to leave the baby in the hospital if she can't take care of him/her, and they will place the child in a home or a medical facility that can cater to his/her needs. However, I don't know how things work in Nigeria. I know healthy babies have a hard time to get adopted not to talk of unhealthy babies.

Dimeji Alara said...

I think we have to look at the fact that we are all humans, faced with everyday challenges, we dont always make the right decisions but we carry on regardless. Whichever decision she chooses. May God be with her. What would i have done in her shoes? i think i would be as confused as she is...I am afraid nobody is right or wrong, whether they advice her to kill the baby or let it live...its a tough decision. I wish this lady the best, whichever decision she makes.

Standtall said...

They said the child would need medical care for the rest of his life.Hmmm that’s a tough one. It would have being better if the medical care is just for a while but for the rest of his life? It shows that the situation is very very critical.

Will she be able to afford paying the medical bills forever? If not, let us be realistic, she should take the solution at hand and put the baby to rest.

Alternatively, can she try some organizations (search online) that are interested in taking care of deformed or special kids? May be they may be able to help.

How I wish scan discovered this for her on time so she cld have known whether to keep the pregnancy or not.

I wish her all the best

Standtall said...

I realise it's easier for a lot of us to say let God tell her what to do and all that... How many of us will not pull the plug if we are faced with this situation or outrightly poison the baby?

Will you guys be able to help her financially if she keeps the baby. Will you not scorn her if she waits by the road begging for money to take care of the baby?

Pls let her be very wise in taking decision on this matter Linda

U arent visiting my blog still? I will sue you for....(will tell u later)

Gloria said...

@ estella:

I find your comments totally insensitive. The issue here is not why she has or doesnt have a husband or whether or not she tried to have an abortion and caused her baby's disability, so get off your sanctimonious high horse.

This lady is going through enough pain already and doesn't need judgemental comments as yours. You could have put your point across nicely and just simply stated that you think she should keep the child. What's with all the THOU SHALT NOT KILL comments? Do you think it's an easy decision for her? Just pray to God that you are never in this situation cos you'd never know what you'd do until you experience it yourself.

I was in a situation where i went into premature labour and the doctors advised me to let them get rid of my baby. I refused until i almost died myself. I was pumped with antibiotics to prevent blood poisoning. In the end, he only lived for a few hours, yet my decision almost killed me. I wouldn't wish what i went through on my enemy, so i can't imagine how traumatised this poor lady is now.

Linda hun, just keep encouraging her. There's nothing more that you can do. Whatever anyone says, the decision will ultimately be hers in the end.

If she were abroad, i'd have said that maybe she should consider having him adopted, as there are foster parents for severely disabled children. I really don't know what else to say. May God guide her in her decision.I would ring you tonight so we can discuss in detail. Miss you loads.

Hugs. xx

P.S.

Linda, i agree with the person that said you should take off comments moderation. Remember i've told you this before. The people that come on your blog are usually civil and if you get the odd plonker, you can always delete their comments. Just my two pence.

Sasha said...

@heartbroken mother- Well said. You've said it all. I rest my case.
@Estella- This is a very sensiive issue so be careful how you put your point across. No one knows tomorrow. This young lady is asking for opinions and not questions on why she has a deformed child.

Paris said...

i think this lady should listen to " a still heart broken mother." she knows better b'cos she's been there.

@ Estella....it sickens me how pple can be so judgemental! ur shoutin on d rooftop b'cos ur not in d same situation 4gettin that the possibility of it happening 2 u is very likely. if she tried 2 abort d baby and came out with a deformed child ( not that it is any of ur business), but yea..why will she be asking for advice on whether or not 2 take the tubes out or not? wouldnt it have been a done deal by now? Pls be very careful of what u say when it comes 2 issues like this. even the men that left comments were more considerate and understanding than u were. and what does her being single or married have to do with it? SHIT NIGERIANS KILL ME!!

Kin'shar said...

Awwww, you just made me cry. I lost a child some years ago and I wouldnt even imagine taking my childs life....what about adoption, tell her to consider that instead!!

Anonymous said...

What kind of life will a child who is deformed, unwanted by his mother ,unable to be cared for properly, without a father or family that will accept him live. I would take the tubes out, if its God's will the child will live. What a hard decision

Wild Boy said...

I'll just say it would have been easier for the lady to have handed it all to God....if she really believes in Him or could have pretended to..
It always have worked for me and im Sure that the big man's quite dependable after being tested over ages and all.
She might not have needed to blog it all out- cos things might have been taken care of- you know like God deciding that she couldnt take too much and taking away the baby or otherwise fortifying her with the strength to cope and at the end of the day giving her beauty for ashes...It is well.

La Serene said...

My heart goes out to the woman and her family. However there are a few things that she should consider,it is really very simple

-It sounds like she wants to take the plugs out primarily because the child is deformed and secondly cos of the huge medical expenses. The child is just deformed and might have a chance to live...we are not God and have no right to play GOD.If you don't have the money to tae care of the exorbitant rates, consider giving the child up for adoption. You might get lucky and find someone who is willing to pay for all the medical costs.The child might get the opportunity to go for proper treatment abroad and may turn out in great health.On the other hand, the child may die even after all efforts to save his/her life but the last thign you want on your conscience is the death of a child.
I have heard of drs. who say that a child will be a vegetable and the child turns out to be perfect...you never know...give the child a chance to live and leave the resst to God. Who is to say that that child may not save his/her mother's life in the future?

As for the deformity,no one is perfect. Yes the child might have a difficult life but maybe not.We humans make plans but God has other plans for us.If that child is meant to live, nothing she does will hamper that and if the child dies, no amount of love and money will keep that from happening.

The most important and simplest question to ask yourself is can you live with your decision and if so can you defend your decision in public?

I wish you all the best.Pray...God does not give you problems you cannot handle...look to him for strength and he will surely lead you to the right decision.

Anonymous said...

I think she wants to get rid of the baby only because she does not want to saddle herself with the permanent stress tat it will take raising it and feels she cannot deal with the stigma that comes with the childs disformity or illness....I am a single moter of a child who was not regular at birth and i have single handedly raised him by God's Grace and if you belive in miracles anything can happen. I am not a religious person but God has proved himself in my case. There is no delimma here just human selfish selcentredness...I suggest she prays to God to help her through else give the child for dorption but whatever she she does DO NOT KILL OR ASK SOME DOCTORS TO KILL...the child has a right to live just like all of us.

Anonymous said...

wow, this is a tough one.pls allow God to decide the faith of the baby and allow it leave. no one knows tomorrow to c if the child would become a normal child. ciao