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Thursday, February 28, 2008

Forgiveness

When I wrote that comedian Tee A called me a 'club girl', in my 'The person in the mirror' post (oops I did it again...lol) a few people thought mentioning his name was uncalled for and the only reason I could have done that was because I still carried a grudge. That made me really look deep inside...asking myself if the reason I mentioned his name and remembered the incident was because I was still bitter about it.
Sincerely? Absoultely not! I carry no grudge.
"To carry a grudge is like being stung to death by one bee"

I'm somewhat confrontational...if you say something about me, or do something I don't like...I will probably confront you...and after that, it's over. I remember talking it over with Tee A and moving past it. I mentioned it because I wanted to sight an example and the incident with him stood out...
"What is forgiven is usually well remembered".

But I'm glad a few of you brought it up 'cos it brings me to what I want to talk about today...FORGIVENESS!

A few weeks ago, a friend who lives abroad called me on the phone to tell me her 8 year old marriage was over. She told me she found out her husband had a serious relationship with another woman. Serious as in...rented a flat for her, bought her a car, spends some days in her house when he had to 'travel' and so many other things...

After finding out, she 'threatened' to leave with their three kids if he didn't clean up his act. Two days after the threat, like he was waiting for a cue... he moved out of their home. A week later she found out he had moved in with his mistress, five weeks later, he filed for divorce.

I was very depressed when she was telling me the story. I could almost feel her pain and anguish through the phone. Then in the midst of tears and wailing...she started saying "I wish him death Linda. I wish him death. Oh God please make him die, that's the only way I can be normal again...he's ruined my life. Someone pls kill him. Pls die...I wish him death, I wish him death, I wish him death". She said 'I wish him death' more times than I could count and it was at that point that I also started crying.

I wasn't crying because her marriage was over...I was crying because she carried a hatred so deep, so raw, so sated, that it will probably destroy her! Her hatred for her husband had taken her to a point of no return..and for a fleeting moment I was scared for her and her children. Her? Because she sounded like her life was over and she just might want to end it. Her children? Because sometimes when we want vengeance and can't touch the one who hurt us, we turn to the next best thing...what they love...in this case...his children!

I have another friend who hates men. When I say hate...I mean Hate with a capital H. Why? She's 30 years old with an 11 year old daughter and a five year old son, from two different men who promised her the world and gave her nothing. Whenever I talk about men, love, sex etc, she tries her damnest to talk me out of falling in love or letting any man touch me or ever getting married. To her all men are evil and she's vowed never to have anything to do with another one for the rest of her life. The sad part is...she's only 30!

Forgiveness
...easy to write, easy to spell, easy to pronounce, even easy to say but one of the hardest things to do. Forgiveness is something some of us are incapable of...giving up resentment, anger and a sense of betrayal is almost impossible for some of us...mostly because we think we are entitled to it.

I'm not perfect...oh I'm far from it! There are things I do that I'm not proud of...but if there's one thing I know how to do and do well...it's to forgive! If you apologise to me, I don't care how deep, how damaging or how much I was hurt...I let it go.

About my married friend, I'm sure there a few other married women out there who might understand a little of where she's coming from...the hatred she feels for a man she once loved and who betrayed her. I have been let down...but nothing so deep that I would wish anyone dead, so maybe I don't understand that pain. Do you understand it? Have you been there? Still there?

All of us, at some point in our lives, have been hurt and wounded by the actions or words of someone else. Sometimes the hurt is so great, the thought of forgiving never crosses our minds.

How do you forgive someone who's hurt you so deeply? How do you let go when you're consumed with a hatred that you can't even control. How do you shut your eyes at night and not feel that resentment, that bitterness, that anger towards someone for something they did to you knowingly or unknowingly.

There are those of us who need to forgive what was done to us...like my married friend.
There are some of us who need to seek forgiveness for something we did to someone else.
And there some of us who need to forgive ourselves for something we did to others or to ourselves...like my other friend with two kids.
I remember telling her never to go about waiting for someone to apologise to her or blame anyone for where she is today. She made a choice to have unprotected sex, she made a choice to keep the pregnancy and made another choice a few years later to keep another pregnancy. If she needs an apology...then the apology needs to come from her. She made the decision, she made the choice and the only thing she can do is...forgive herself for her faults and mistakes and move on.

There are some of us who go about waiting for people to come ask for forgiveness for something they did to us. I mean it would be great if they would come to us but you must accept the fact that some people will never do that. Some of them don't think they did you wrong, they dont need to be forgiven and they will never come to you...They did what they did...and that's that!
It's not easy to forgive...oh trust me I know. There are a million and one reasons not to forgive...and a million and two reasons to forgive.

Refusing to forgive is like drinking poison and expecting the one who hurt you, to die.
Refusing to forgive is giving that someone who hurt you control over your life.
Refusing to forgive is letting anger, resentment, sadness, fear, disgust, aggression, contempt, depression, confusion, disappointment etc into your life.
Refusing to forgive is denying yourself of a beautiful gift...peace of mind!
Refusing to forgive can make your own life miserable.
Refusing to forgive is to choose to continue to remain the victim
Refusing to forgive is being at war with yourself
Refusing to forgive is binding yourself to that person for as long as you're bitter
Refusing to forgive is telling that person they OWN your life

When you forgive what has been done to you...This is what happens...
Your hurt, your pain, your anguish...is NOT the final word on the matter.
When you forgive it helps you give up your destructive thoughts about the situation and the person who hurt you.
When you forgive, you dissolve every link and be free of the person.
When you forgive, you change from a prisoner and become a free person at peace with yourself.
Besides forgiveness is the sweetest revenge. It makes you the bigger, better person.

Forgiving someone for something they did to you doesnt mean that you have to condone or excuse the offence. Like if were cheated on...you can forgive them...but it doesn't mean that you have to reconcile with that person. You can say I have forgiven you but I don't want you in my life, I don't want you in mine, I hope our paths never cross...and I wish you all the best in life.

I know this things are easier said than done. How can you forgive someone who called off a wedding two weeks to the date? How do you forgive someone who broke up your marriage? How do you forgive someone who made you loose your job? How do you JUST forgive? The first step is the willingness to forgive. It's not "forgive and forget". How can you forget like nothing ever happened? It's "forgive and go forward,".

You will know the forgiveness process has started when you remember those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well. And you will know you have forgiven someone when they pass through your mind without you wishing them bad...or dead!

Whats your reward for forgiveness you may wonder? Let me tell you a story!
In 2004, I paid almost half a million naira for a three bedroom flat on Oweh Street, Jibowu, Yaba! About a month later,I found out that the estate agent in charge of the building had absconded not just with my money but with money belonging to eight other people. He had taken money from nine people for the same flat. He basically duped us!

A year and five months later, he was caught by the police. Unfortunately for all of us, he had squandered the money! They grilled him for many weeks and he eventually confessed he had used the money to get a visa to Germany, and made some investments. 7 months after he landed in Germany, he was deported back to Nigeria with only the clothes on his back. All the money gone.

When he couldn't hide anymore, he went home to his parents and that was when he was arrested. They locked him up for almost a year and it always bothered me that there was someone in jail because of something he had done to me. And I remember the police told us that if we droppped the case against the guy, he will released from jail. I decided it was time to forgive and move on...

After almost a month, my dad and I managed to get the other eight victims to sign his release papers. The agent calls me once in a while to say hello...and everytime he calls and says 'Thank you', I feel like I have done something good! And everytime I do something bad, I think of the agent and I feel better! My reward is knowing someone out there will be forever grateful to me...

When you forgive, those forgiven will forever be indebted to you. Isn't that sweet revenge?

After reading this you might say 'I don't care what Linda says...I will never forgive. What was done to me doesn't deserve forgiveness'. But here's something you need to know.
There's nothing so bad that it can't be forgiven. Nothing!
And like someone once told me...you can never know how much you have been forgiven...until you forgive.

I will leave you with the words of Mahatma Gandhi
If one by one we counted people out
For the least sin, it wouldn't take us long
To get so we had no one left to live with.
For to be social is to be forgiving.

See y'all later

43 comments:

Anonymous said...

Great write up but think you lost the plot when you talked about how the person being forgiven is forever indebted to you therefore it's sweet revenge?! Somehow i don't think that's the point of forgiveness or at least your heart shouldn't be thinking that when you proceed to forgive someone!

Miss Moi said...

Linda, like fine wine, you keep getting better and better. I'm sure everyone at one point or the other has had an issue with forgiving someone, especially when it's someone close to you whom you've opened yourself to. There's a deep feeling of betrayal and it's a very painful experience. Nevertheless the only person you're doing a favour is yourself when you choose to forgive. Unforgiveness only makes you bitter and has a strong hold on you. Forgiveness is not easy (not at all) but by God's grace, possible. It's the one who forgives that has the upper hand always. Don't give the person who hurt you the power and control over your emotions as well. Take charge - Forgive.

Ifeomaadiagwuagwu said...

Nne, i kwu kwara okwu. Babes... u've said it all.

Also, with forgiveness comes peace.

Peace is another biggie in human lives.

It is well. All is well.

Linda, keep on keeping on. We need ya, i tell ya.

Anonymous said...

Linda,
I must applaud you for this soul-searching topic on "forgiveness".
No doubt, this is the most important problem that plagues mankind till date.
From the biblical point of view, Jesus Christ came primarily to preach love and forgiveness.
Hence His preachings are predominantly hinged on the tenets of love and forgiveness.
As a Christian, I draw the strength to forgive from these two simple but deep excerpts from Our Lord's prayer:
"Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us".
It is premised that our sins and transgressions are forgiven for as long as we keep forgiving ourselves and others.
If we all read meaning into that prayer, we would draw unlimited strength and motivation from it.
It is indeed a very difficult, yet possible expectation from us all. The hurt we feel when we are grossly offended by loved ones can never equate to the freedom and peace of mind that can be derived from forgiving each other and moving on.

Difficult? Often, very.
Impossible? No.

Anonymous said...

Very beautiful. That was quite inspiring esp. the comment u made about forgiving pple who don't ask for forgiveness or acknowledge their wrong doing. I used to be bitter and harbor ill-feelings towards pple that have hurt me....But recently, God began to purge me of many things, and gave me the heart to learn to forgive...not bcos they deserve it, but bcos grudges could possible place a barrier between God and man...It keep one from reaching their potential, and also, what's the use of carrying a heavy load for someone who probably doesn't give two hoots! I know there r pple that have been hirt so badly like ur first friend, but i pray that she finds the strength and grace to forgive and move on.
I am not there yet, but i am way better than i was b4.

Nma

Anonymous said...

OH MY, i'm not into this 1st thing but it feels good to be 1st.

"When you forgive, those forgiven will forever be indebted to you. Isn't that sweet revenge?"

Wow!! that's deep. Linda i just want to appreciate you for this words of encouragment you share with us. It usually comes at the right time just when u need it.

Such a sad story about your friend. My heart goes out to her because i think i would just go insane if that happened to me. Although i would say she must have seen the signs, maybe she just chose to ignored it.

Women can get so caught up with family life and trying to juggle a career, kids and a household. Still it is no reason to be treated that way. That man will get what is coming to him, God will sort that out so she needs to just dust her self off and move on.

Thanks so much linda and keep doing what you do. luv ya mwaaah!!!

kemi, lagos.

misspumping said...

eeeya my heart goes out to all the heartbroken When you forgive pple forgive you too that is what makes the world go round.

Anonymous said...

Linda I just love your BLOG!
This topic of your really got to me. I've been struggling with forgiving someone that darn right crushed my heart. It happened quite recently and really am trying to get over it.....see I'm the type that feels that I should get an apology for being wronged and it really HURTS to know that there are INDEED people out there who would NEVER apologize!!!

Its so HARD to forgive but I've learned that although you've forgiven the person, that doesn't mean that you should keep that person in your life.

I have forgiven you but I DONT need you in my life!! SO BYE, BYE

Anonymous said...

i was really moved by your story.it was so good of you to have forgiven that agent.

Kpakpando said...

that your friend should stop wasting time crying about hating him, she needs to contest the divorce and sue for alimony and child support, sharp sharp. Forget the bullshit, you still have your life to live and 3 kids to feed. Her husband has sown into his own future already, so she's pretty much wasting time, energy and breath focusing on the wrong things, a dead man can't pay bills! She should wish him a long healthy, employable life, so he can pay for their children. It's not bitterness, if she takes all the money she can get, its business o jare.

As for your baby mama friend, the saying goes, "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me." She seems to have a problem taking responsibility for her own action. She better stop hating and live her life, hating only hurts you at the end of the day, because you're spending all this energy hating someone who doesn't know or care that you do.

I do not agree that refusing to forgive shows a weak person, it is normal to feel wronged and one shouldn't be made to feel inferior for a normal human behavior.

Good post Linda.

Bisola said...

A tad bit long but a well written piece nonetheless. Miss Linda aka Female Fela Durotoye...

I guess the most important thing about forgiveness is that it is liberating and does not really make u a weak person as people who forgive are portrayed. Gandhi also said that forgiveness can only be done by the strong as the weak cant forgive.

As per Tee A, let bygones be bygones.. I was one of those who thought it was bad taste to mention his name and felt you had a grudge. It seemed rather trivial to me and its not fair to bring up something that happened many years ago and post it on your blog given the fact that he is also a public figure and u know city people and sun quote your blog .

I dont mean to criticise you but I guess it is your blog and you have the right to post whatever u like.

Indigenous Productions said...

Lots of things to think about in that post. Good job

'dara said...

Thanks Linda, this is so true.
please keep it coming.
God bless!

Anonymous said...

Damn girl, u know how to deliver your message. I was almost in tears after reading your post. I can't say that I truly understand your friend wishing her ex husband death but I understand her pain a little bit cause I wasn't in 8 yrs of marriage or 1 yr. I am living proof of what betrayal and hurt is. It is so fresh that everyday when I remember what my ex and his evil family did to me. I cursed the day he was born and his mother, if someone give me a gun i will shoot that woman without a second thought. Every time I feel this hatred, I talk myself out of it my naming what God did for me when his mother remote controlled him to throw me and our one month old baby out of his place because I refused to let her take my son to Nigeria with her when he would have been barely four months old and she knew I was threated to her because I was one person, she could not remote controlled like she had everyone. I had no job at the period, knew no one because I had relocated to the city from another state when i was few weeks pregrant but God made a way, I got a job with a week of posting my resume on Monster.com, not only did I get a job, I got someone that didn't know me from Adam to babysit my son while he was on waiting list for daycare when I go to work for free. For me,forgiveness is divine. I know I haven't completely let go, it is hard to sometime, it takes God's grace. I know I will for my son. Linda, sometime it is hard, I don't know what your friend might have gone through with her ex, but when you think of all you been through with someone and they did you bad,it is hard not to wish them anything but death..... but it is not the best thing because in the process you will destroy yourself as well and i don't think anyone is worth it. As a good friend, all you can do is let your friend vent, she is venting because she is hurting but encourage her and help her move pass this, we all can't be strong like you or I. I know what I went through from last May till Jan of this year, I know if I wasn't strong I won't have survived it and I know that God doesn't give us something that we can't handle. Help your friend. I am also going to take a cue from you, by working on forgiveness for all the pains.

mystoriesmytestimonies said...

When you forgive, those forgiven will forever be indebted to you. Isn't that sweet revenge?

WOW ...LINDA ..u got ME ON THIS ONE.. i need to call some people ...lol

excellent post...
i will put a link on my blog to this post...
WOW...

Mide said...

Oh yes! Forgiveness is the hardest thing to do but it's also the most liberating thing in the world. My story is very similar but also different cos i chose to LET GO.

I dated a guy for 5 yrs and was supposed to be married officially in 2006. We already had the court wedding .We had already bought a home together, cars in both our names, investments and other stuff.. the list goes on.
We had our difference as most couple do. Then he found a friend he had been looking for for years and decided he was the one for her.

Then my green card was in the works. He decided that he could not go on with my papers and that i should be deported and then find my way back, he stated that he wanted me to sign the papers that when he sells the houses (that was in both our names) i wouldn't be entitled to any of the profits, said he wanted to have my car repossessed cos he was making the payments at the time.. the list goes on all cos of one chick!

I wouldn't deny that i was bitter at first oh yes i was! i went through all the emotions, anger, hurt, pain, sadness, regret e.t.c

I walked around with my head hung thinking my whole life had ended, my hopes, my dreams, my hard work in the relationship and no one would ever want to be with me after i had been married at such a young age(now i laugh at the thought and wonder where that came from)

But then i decided to leave it in the hands of God. I am too young to let anyone else determine how the rest of my life would be (at the time i was 25, now 27).
I told him, he could keep it all, everything he was threatening me with, i walked away from, cos i knew i would make it regardless.

I took charge of my life and even though it seemed like i was starting from scratch, i did it all over with God's strength. Today i own my own home, a better job, everything i thought i could never achieve, everything i thot i had lost has been replaced 4 times over, and i am still achieving.

Long story short, there is always a lesson in whatever we go through in life. Mine was not to put my trust in man, but in the one who owns my life. I realized i could really do all things through Christ alone.

Now i hold my head up and i know it can only get better. He came back apologizing, but i wasn't waiting around 4 it. I had forgiven even before he asked, i had moved on long before he thought i did.

He said "i am so proud of all you have achieved". I replied saying i am so proud of how far God has and is still taking me.

Never let any man decided your fate in life. Dust yourself up and keep stepping. No man is worth it.

At the right time, i know i will love again, completely at that and giving my all, all over again!

Great post Linda! lemme go, i know i have taken half the space!

tobenna said...

Dang! Long post, girl. Touchy subject - forgiveness. Truly difficult, but possible. You friend's sad wedding tale is really sad.
But you know what, we have only one chance at life. To not forgive, is to punish ones self for anothers' mistake.

Anonymous said...

Seriously, You have a lot to give...Forget all that city people/encomium trash.

Maybe you should write articles in mags apart from yours eg Genevieve. Maybe you should have a newspaper column ... Think about it.

Use your platform more but be wary though. Dont overdo it so you dont sort of lose your value and just become regular. I am of the view that you are far too gifted to limit your blog to Nigerian Entertainment gossip... See what you have written and how people have opened up to you talking about their problems too.

Ladies and gentlemen, introducing Linda Ikeji, the female Fela Durotoye, Leke Alder etc

Paris said...

wow! lovely post but i can feel ur friend's pain. OH MY GOODNESS!!! thats one hard pill 2 swallow but u know what?? some pple have been thru worse and were able 2 overcome and i pray/hope she does 2.
hopefully she reads this post! wow! men sha!! now i understand why some women become lesbians..heck i may even give it a 2nd thot. LOL just kidding! yea right like women dont do harm but its just the way men do theirs....so blunt, so blatant...like how the fuck do u just throw 8 years away just like that???? excuse my french but i threw up in my mouth when i read that..i was so angry until i read the rest of ur post. u make alotta sense but we gotta remember that pple are different. we all come from different walks of life and have had different experiences so do not judge ur friend for wateva she did or may do but instead be a friend and tell her whats wrong from right. u do not have 2 agree with them anyways but try not 2 judge. this is even hard 4 me 2 talk abt becos i can be very judgmental myself matter of fact evry human being is judgmental (LIKE IT OR NOT) but i am learning to overcome that and really focus on the person's psychology and where he/she is coming from. if i just cant deal with, i GIDDY UP...literally!!

be well Linda and i wish ur friend the same...

Anonymous said...

mide u re the bomb,thats the spirit girl,i know it s hard to forgive a man leavin u with another lady even when u re just courting,then with 3 kids,unimaginable but people unforgiveness is a xter of one who does nt know Gods plan for him/her, u ll want that offender to live and see u do exploits

Sasha said...

Linda-

You've done it again. This is an inspiring piece that everyone can relate to. Forgiveness is difficult to do especially if you are hurt by a loved one but it can be done. Only God can give you the heart to forgive. To err is human, To forgive is divine.

Anonymous said...

@mide
thank you for sharing that story.

Linda, i rarely comment, but God has blessed your mouth this year. forgiveness is hard but walahi you have to do it, not for the other person for yourself. can your imagine your friend filled so much hate. and yes i understand that kind of hatred and her husband is fucking another woman without a care in the world. who will die first ehn? like kpakpie said, she needs to get even not get mad, ahn ahn she has three kids. she needs to forgive him because if she doesnt it will consume her. in time, he will realize the error of his ways or maybe he wont, but its not about him anymore, for her sake o, she should let go. trust me i know how hard it is especially with men. the thing about love is, you need to give all of yourself to enjoy love and the sad thing the more you give the more devasting it is when the other person betrays you, so it is a double edged thing. but hating someone doesnt affect that person it affects you.

in time, you will deal with your hatred, but for now don't let it consume you. i also agree with kpakpie in taht it is not by force to forgive, after all why should u be the bigger person when the other person can't. sure it is somewhat childish but who cares. but you shouldnt harbour grudges so tay you can't live yourself. the best revenge IMHO and as mide said, is to succeed beyond anyone's expection. you are you and not tied to anyone except God in this life

Lekki said...

Remember Lara Fabian's song "I will love again ,even if it takes a lifetime to get over you" !
Thats why I think after reading this post we need to leave people like Ibinabo Fiberesima alone ,if she never gives up on love and refuses to shut down.

I would rather a woman keep her head up look after herself and never give up on love,even if yeah you had a baby with the last two different men ,move on and believe that one day you will find that special person.

Lets pray your friend does not become ill with all the pain,despair she has towards her ex-spouse !

Your friend is probably more scared of what will people say,Well people will still have something to say if she was unmarried,or never had a child,people will always have something to say regardless.Tell her to start writing the book of her life starting now and not allow biterness to create primature grey hair on her head. She is lucky she got 8 years out of her marriage and three kids from the same man. She should count her blessings and name them one by one.

temi said...

when you've been deeply hurt, only God can help you forgive...

for anyone struggling with unforgiveness, u might not be able to do it on your own..you need to pray and ask God for grace to forgive d one who hurt you...

The peace and courage to go on that GOd gives after we have forgiven is really incomparable.


@mide........

thanks for sharing your story.....

Juliana said...

Linda, once again u hit the bull's eye with this.
I know is not easy to forgive but then the Bible commended us to do just dat.
I have been bitter all my life with my dad 4 not giving us a better upbringing even though he had the means to do so.
I forgave him in a Church in 2004 a month after my mum's burial when my Pastor preached on forgiveness. I found this peace of mind that cannot be explaned.
Like your friend with two kids 4 different men, I have been hurt by men too and I was in her position (that is hating men until last year).
Very few men have been nice to me while we dated, the rested lied and cheated and u know the funny thing? They have all been sorry and want us to remain at least friends.
They all have had to run into trouble and run to me for help and I did not bcos I want to prove a point but bcos I just felt the urged to do so. So I agree when you forgive, the another becomes indebted to you for life.
This life is too short for us to go round bearing grudge and wising each other dead.
Heaven and Hell is real. What will profit you if u gain the whole world and loose your soul?
If God can forgive our innumerable sins how much more we forgive a fellow man who is just as human. There is no excuse for unforgiveness because before God you are a sinner.
My advise to your two friends is to run to God in prayer. He never said the road will be easy but He promised to make the burden light. May God give them the grace. Amen.

Lilian Michael said...

Fantastic write up Linda. Your topic is one of the very issues I have been trying to analyse myself this week. Hmmmmmn where can I start? Hurt, pain, betryal, hate, loath etc are things inflicted by people close to us or those we thought where "friends", "partners", "husbands" etc. It hurts most because it is caused by people close to us. But the fact is that forgiveness empowers the person who hurts. When you forgive, do you have to be best mates again? for me, I dont think so. Like you said, does it mean you forget? I dont think so. What it means is that one now has the power to look beyond that situation and move forward. Forgiveness is a gradual process especially when one has really been betrayed and hurt so badly. My prayer is for God to heal the broken hearted (whether caused by betrayed love or from horrible so called "friends"). Have a lovely day girl.

pink gloves said...

I am not quite in agreement with the person being forgiven to be indebted to you.

Personally i have a tendency to forgive, but I almost never forget. What can i say. Such is my life jare.

I hope your friend whose husband cheated on her will be able to move past that, if not bitterness will seep into her entire life. She should find solace in God. Please be there for her, and pray for & with her.

Anonymous said...

Good Post Linda,
Here is my take--

You dont wish death, irrespective of how hurt you are, you wish for them to live long so that they can be a witness to what God is about to do in your life.

Judas Iscariot was born for one purpose and one purpose alone, to betray Christ, do you catch the drift, those people were placed in your life to bring the best out of you, look at the bigger picture, these things we all face are tests and how we perform in them determines our future (our blessing).

Dont forgive thinking that people might be indebted, feeling this way implies you are missing the point. Forgiving is for your own sanity, it's for your well being, so that your life is not bogged down. Here's the proof- some people dont know you are angry at them, some people dont care that you have not forgiven or forgiven them, either way they are not interested, pure and simple, it's your sanity at stake.

Again lets draw from the one that loved us first, we receive unsolicited love from God, why? you may ask, because we are really not WORTHY OR DESERVING, human mind by nature is wicked if we must be honest, but he loved us so much so that instead of wishing us death, he sent his son to die so that we may not die but have life and have it more abundantly- See NO death, wish LIFE.

It's hard, it's painful, but when you are hurt, see it as another challenge, a door to the next level, but the comfort or lack of it of this new level is determined by you.

Pete

Anonymous said...

LOL @ kpakpa...I love this babe!
I definitely concur with! Ur friend needs to get up and act fast...she shouldn't let emotions cloud her judgement. She needs to fight hard for what she and her kids deserve...gosh...hating him w/o acting gives him too much power! As for the babymama...like kpakpa sed, she did it to her self pump and plain...anh anh..twice?! Its her choice, no one force the life on her biko...what has her hating men achieved? does it affect the men-race n e bit? nope!

Forgiveness is such a trival issue...it so hard to do atimes most especially bcos those u r supposed to forgive dont deserve it, or they don't even acknowledge or ask for it...so u're like, y forgive someone who doesn't even want it?! But when u look at the bigger picture its "safer' and better to do because u rid urself of all hateful tots...and feel "free-er"...at the end of the day tho, its easier sed than done bcos human beings can be so horrible, difficult and inconsiderate.
But with God's help...it can certainly be done. It's such a grueling process sha!

~Nma~

Mide said...

@anon 6:12, 4:59 & Temi, thanks guys, funny thing is i never thought i would one day share this on the www, cos i always thot pple would be somewhat judgmental. But i am so glad it has inspired someone, somehow and i hope it continues to.

My prayer is that we will all get there. Love and time, they say heals all wounds.

Once again great job Linda!

Orikinla Osinachi. said...

There are guidelines and rules of engagement for FORGIVENESS.

1. TRUE REPENTANCE and not the fake crocodile tears of conceit and deceit.

2. RESTITUTION and

3. "Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy."
~ Matthew 5: 7

I WILL NOT HAVE MERCY ON THOSE WHO DID NOT SHOW ME MERCY.

What you sow, you reap.

"Do not give holy things to dogs. Do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they might walk all over them. Then they might turn around and tear you to pieces."
~ Matthew 7:6 (New International Reader's Version)

There are humans who are "dogs" and "pigs" and you must beware of them and do not give your precious time and possessions to them, because they will trample on your values and virtues and revile you.

I will not think twice to shoot any enemy of my progress, because anyone who does not want your progress does not want you to live.

If you do not destroy evils, evils will destroy you.

The only way to get rid of evils is to get rid of the devils.

I have reached a higher ground that the only fear I have is the FEAR of GOD.

If someone stabs me in the back and does not repent, the person is cursed.
I will deal with the person and report to the Police.
Jesus Christ said:
REPENT or PERISH.

If you forgive the unrepentant criminal or sinner, you are encouraging the devil to persist in his or her crimes and evils.

The world would be better and safer without evil and wicked people.
The sooner we get rid of them, the better.

Do you know how many millions of people have died, because of the crimes and sins of others?

Waste them before they waste you.

Finis.

LIVE AND LET ME LIVE.
THAT IS THE ONLY WAY YOU AND I CAN SURVIVE.

Cheers and God bless you.

truth said...

More than anything, you are doing yourself a favor when you forgive and not expect some life-long gratitude from the forgiven.

Forgive and let go.....completely.

truth said...

one more thing....
there are lots of great, insightful comments here too. hats off to linda's audience.

Great post girl.

Anonymous said...

Linda, tell your friend with 3 kids to treat her soon to be ex civilly, and not wish him death. He is still her kids' father, does she want them fatherless and hurting, or for them to learn from her and their father that people will hurt you and not worth shite(another cycle of abuse)? She should speak with a counsellor and start the process of releasing the anger.She should take care of herself cos if she ends up bitter and hurt, she will only be hurting herself and her kids, the man meanwhile will start a new family with his lover. hard pill to swallow but oh well, the best revenge is to forgive and live well.

Orikinla Osinachi. said...

Linda Ikeji,
Since you are a model, you should know about the tragic news of the body of the Guinean super model Katoucha Niane found in the river near her houseboat in Paris.

You should do a post on her.

Cheers and God bless.

Red Puree said...

Great stuff Linda.

Anonymous said...

Funk with me and i funk you up. Thats the motto i live by.

Forgiveness for what?

That woman with three kids. Gba be! I will cut off his kini and serve it to him for breakfast. Oloshi buruku!

Pink-satin said...

men!shit...i feel your friends pain o!!!ah!pple are wicked!i am sure the husband was finally happy she discovered..opportunity to move on!!!i mean hatred and unforgiveness can eat you up!but sometimes i feel the person should vent their anger and hatred for a while...after they themselves will see the need to forgive and move on!!that is a strong thing he did to her!wat!

Orikinla Osinachi. said...

Linda,
here is the hottest buzz on Rihanna and Chris Brown with their dating pictures shown first time on a Nigerian website.

For your information only.
Delete the post after reading it.

I hope you are fine.

Cheers and God bless.

Meadows j. said...

I neednt say more.

Anonymous said...

forgiveness is truly a touchy, sensitive issue, but nothing is impossible with God....
as for my namesake, mide thanks for sharing ur experience with us... forgiveness makes a person heal quickly, this definitely i can testify about, its trully the healing balm, if everyone could not easy but its worth a try.

Segun Aminu said...

Here I am commenting on this post 5 years after it was posted. The truth is, this is a timeless piece that is very relevant till date.

Forgiveness is one word that is easily spoken about but difficult to practice in some situations. However, I completely agree with you that to err is human and to forgive is divine. When you forgive, the prisoners that it really sets free is you.

This by far is one of my favorite posts on your blog(I love the recent one you wrote as you were about to leave the US). It's a good break from the celeb stories.

Keep the good work Linda. I pray that your dreams come true, heights unimaginable!

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