Winlot

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Married or Happily Married?

Hi people, still blogging from a cyber cafe...lol. I have a lot to blog about, gist, gossip, issues...etc etc, but there's a limit to what I can do in a cafe, so y'all are gonna have to wait till I get my new charger.

For now there's a question I wanna ask. And it has to do with marriage. Marriage has been on my mind a lot lately....lol, mostly people telling me to start thinking seriously about it...
But the thing is, I just don't want to be married, I want to be happily married, so I got to be 150% sure, right?

So, today I spoke to a few friends about marriage and one of them told me something that I just had to bring here to talk about.

I know there are more unhappy marriages than happy ones, half the people I know aren't happy but someone told me today that the ratio is 90/10 % in favour of unhappy marriages?

I know a lot of people pretend to be happy in their marriages, and for reasons best known to them refuse to walk away, but 90 to 10? It can't be that bad, or is it really?

So here are my questions

1. Do you agree the ratio is 90/10 in favour of unhappy marriages?
2. What's the greatest reason for unhappiness in marriage?
3. Do you agree that infidelity is not the greatest reason for break-ups, rather, lack of communication? or is there something else?
4. Do you also agree that the people we date aren't always the same when we marry them? I.e, people pretend a lot while dating and show their true colour after marriage?

What do you guys think?

On a lighter note...enjoy Naija Proverbs

He who lives in a glass house....... Na im pepe rest
A stitch in time........ dey prevent further tear tear.
Birds of the same feather...na the same mama born dem.
One good turn......... na correct power steering be that.
A bird in hand........ wetin e wan be again if no be barbeque.
Half bread.......... is better than buns.
Journey of a thousand miles....... Ol'boy carry your car go o
He who laughs last........ na big time mumu be dat. Why im no catch the joke at the first time and laugh when others dey laugh?
The patient dog........ Waalahi, Na hunger go kill am.
All work and no play.......Na banker be dat
All play and no work...... Abeg na real life be dat. afterall u no see as u dey happy wen u know say dem go declare plenty holiday soon.

If you don't like this Naija Proverbs, you're allowed to hiss...lol

So tell me what you think about the 90/10 ratio thingy...

39 comments:

Gucci said...

absolutely love d proverbs. definitely made me smile despite arsenal being one minute away from losing to hull(of all clubs @ emirates)

Marriage........ i think many ppl take it too seriously and forget to have fun like they did whilst dating. Communication is a big issue as well.

Latifa said...

Ma Cherie,

I totally agree with you in regards to being 150% sure b4 u get married! There is no point settling for sumthing you don't really want! My happiness is a very important element in my life!

What a coincidence that your blog is almost same as the one I'm about to write! I'm 22 yrs old and I don't have a boyfriend. Our society sets a specific age range where one have to get married. I think it's ridiculous!

We should all marry when we are ready and to who we truly feel is the one we want to spend the rest of our lives with.

Love your proverbs...never heard or seen the naij version before. Thanx for the education! :-] <3

Red Sapphire said...

please i am coming back to officially to give my comment,but damn girl! this naija proverbs dey make me laff so hard.

'dara said...

Many people are being pressured into marriage these days that it's no longer about a happy marriage but just getting married 'cause everyone else is, soon what was meant to be a happy marriage turns into a "suffering but smiling" partnership with both parties reluctant to deal with their issues or pack it in for the sake of external pressures (i.e.what would people say?)

I think 90/10 is abit of an exaggeration but the truth is many people especially married women are fantastic actresses.
On the matter of the greatest reason for unhappiness I dont think there's a simple answer to that one but I guess married life not meeting the expectations of many couples once the honeymoon period is over can be the beginning of unhappiness..am only guessing.
Lack of communication usually leads to infidelity which further aggravates the lack of communication and the cycle continues..
I really dont know about the people changing after marriage issue...perhaps people with experience can enlighten the rest of us.
i've gone on for abit now...best let others get a word in :)
all the best Linda!

Chris said...

3 basic things, I feel and I've read that make marriages unhappy are:
1. Selfishness - also goes with unwillingness to compromise
2. Fixing the other person rather than one's self
3. Lack of maintenance of the marriage. "Happy marriages don't just happen, they're BUILT"

ainadami said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ainadami said...

1. Do you agree the ratio is 90/10 in favour of unhappy marriages? Nope, there are more happier marriages now than there were b4


2. What's the greatest reason for unhappiness in marriage? incompatibility, lust and perversion.


3. Do you agree that infidelity is not the greatest reason for break-ups, rather, lack of communication? or is there something else? incompatibility, getting married for all the wrong reasons


4. Do you also agree that the people we date aren't always the same when we marry them? I.e, people pretend a lot while dating and show their true colour after marriage? it depends on how long you date... peoples characters are like smoke locked in a room, it would come out if only you are patient and dont rush because of emotions.

Anonymous said...

Ok Linda here is my advice. You really have to let this guy you are dying for know what is on your mind. For the past month or more all you have talked about is, man, marriage, relationship... etc. The desperation is too transparent to ignore.

It is 2008, so you can go ahead and pop the question. Trust me it's ok. If he says no, then he is not that into you and you can move on. I'm affriad you are sending the clues to the wrong people, and men will pretend they haven't noticed. So go ahead and rise above that primitive notion that only the man can ask "the question". You can do it Linda and help liberate the rest of us.

I know this is your blog, but damn girl...

Anonymous said...

I think that we get married for the wrong reasons and this leads to unhappiness later. Most of the time, its I'm doing it due to peer pressure, family pressure, and even societal pressure. These then lead to infidelity and lack of communication.

If the foundation is not on 100% love and trust, the marriage will be shaky later on.

I think the ratio is actually 95% to 5%. I actually feel scared when any one close to me wants to get married nowadays.

Sprezatura said...

One good turn......... na correct power steering be that. Try and attend a church in Ughelli, u will laugh ur head off with local interpretations

NewLife said...

First

NewLife said...

1. NO!
2. selfishness and not putting God first
3. I agree its probably lack of communication 1st which may then lead to infidelity.
4. I agree that people let thier guard down, both men and women after marriage, its only natural, pretending is a strong word, its just a matter of doing what you have to do to get the prize just like you would at a job interview, you feel me?

The bottom line is to be prayerful, put God first, both parties truly believing and serving God. Be blessed and I pray we will get to rejoice in an engagement and then marriage here on blogsville Amen.

Anonymous said...

Linda, you seem to be obsessed with marriage! There isn't one week that passes by without you making mention of marriage at least twice, you can be talking about the most mundane thing and find a way to connect marriage to it. I never see, actually I take that back, I do see it, all the time and it usually ends up with women rushing into an ultimately unhappy situation.

Ji kwa nwanyo! Everything good comes in time. No need to talk about it incessantly.

Anonymous said...

I can't answer all your questions but I'll answer the second one. People are unhappy in marriage because they enter it with FALSE EXPECTATIONS!!!

When singles start realising that the real meaning of marriage is total and complete selfless love will they probably start seeing it in a different light.

There are times in marriages (trust me all) that both parties may be unhappy but it doesn't make for an unhappy marriage.

We fight and have arguments with friends, siblings, parents, colleagues; how much more a partner, who we are more likely to take for granted?

Marriage is beautiful, have the right expectations and MARRY SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS TRUSTWORTHY!!!

Flowers and Poetry said...

LMAO "Half bread is better than buns" Linda, you wan carry laugh kill me oh!

linda ikeji said...

@anon 7:14 and 12:43,im obsessed with marriage aint i? lol.I guess im looking for a reason not to do it anytime soon...i keep saying no no no...the thought scares the pants out of me...lol, oh well...we'll see...ok, i promise no more talk of marriage...its depressing ain't it?


glad some of u like this our naija proverbs...already bought a new charger...things are about to get even more interesting...just give me a couple more days.
kisses everyone

pink gloves said...

the reasons marriage fail is unrealistic expectaions, and going into something knowing fully well that it is not want you want, but because you believe society demands it.

Nigerian culture is a killer when it comes to this one.
What purpose is something that makes u miserable?

Simon SEEZ said...

1. Do you agree the ratio is 90/10 in favour of unhappy marriages?
2. What's the greatest reason for unhappiness in marriage?
3. Do you agree that infidelity is not the greatest reason for break-ups, rather, lack of communication? or is there something else?
4. Do you also agree that the people we date aren't always the same when we marry them? I.e, people pretend a lot while dating and show their true colour after marriage?


Q1. Certainly not that high.

Q2. False Expectations (It aint going to be suddenly alright!!)

Q3. People are just to busy nowadays,evry one has to make money.esp wen kids are invloved,married mostly based most of thier decision makin and time on whats best for the kids and stop thinkin of themselves..when was the last time you see a 50yr old man and his 45yr old wife in a restaurant having dinner...my parents havent done it in years....they wld rather save the cash for the next school fees.

Q4. I dont agree,maybe its cos i'm a wot u c is wot u get kinda guy,if u really love someone which is supposed to be the only criteria for marriage, u would not need to pretend during courtship.

Anonymous said...

Linda

Interesting topic...alot of people r unhappy and one thng babes fail to undastand is that u shldnt go into marriage for d wrong reason... be Mrs. Somebody.
Many girls enta marriage and find out that they cant "manage the guy and his bad habits" like they thot they cud and then whadayaknow.... that ex Boyfriend that u just cant stop thinkn abt comes calln or that mcdreamy @ work wants to take u to lunch and then later drinks afta work, u see ur sef lying to the hubby to get out and bam... hot passionate sex with the man that aint ur hubby... then u realise how unhappy u r and have been... eye don open!!!

Abeg dont get me started here... good one though.. please take ur time and make the right decision e yah...

BTW, those proverbs were on ur sis blog few wks ago :)

Wild Boy said...

Linda it's ok to catch the marriage bug...some still work out no matter the percentage (like my parents)...while some just dont (like my uncle-3 times for crying out loud!)Good luck.

Chari said...

yeah I am in favor of the 90/10 ratio...it is sad but true...If you ask me, that ratio is very generous...highly generous I myt add...I made up my mind that if I aint assured of a happy marriage...abeg sai gobe...nothing for me...I dont like stress

Anonymous said...

mehn d proverbs were soo hilarious...naija n our remixing

Favoured Girl said...

A lot of marriages nowadays fail for many reasons. It would be impossible to list all of them. Apart from the big issues like finances, infidelit and abuse, there are also little things that add up to cause a big problem later.

1)People go into it without patience and adequate preparation. So when the honeymoon is over and reality sets in, they realise that marriage requires hard work, lots of forgiveness, trust, fidelity and compromise which they are not willing to give..

2) People expect too much from their spouse i.e, the expect their spouse to complete them and make them fulfilled but only God can do that. If they don't get what they are looking for in the other party, they foolishly start looking for it outside....

3) They start taking the other person for granted, start disrespecting and bullying, stop giving compliments, stop appreciating what's good about them, comparing them to other people, etc.

4)Communication is key. People should not assume that their spouse is able to read their minds! If something is not working for you, talk about it! On the other hand, if something is great, highlight it and thank the other person for their positive contribution.

5) Lack of intimacy: Couples stop doing fun things together, they stop going on dates, hanging out and doing the very things that made them fall in love in the first place. Soon they drift apart and boredom/ restlessness sets in...

I could go on and on, but I'll stop there.

Anonymous said...

linda, no mind anon critics my dear. better ask questions now than say sorry later. of all the pain you bear non is as ever raw as lossing a marraige. for most people it just only ignorance. my wife couldn't boil an egg when we met.i have tried to teach her but i noticed she was not cut out for such things so i worked around it with her. we have a chef come in every saturday to cook all our meals. the fridge/freezer & microwaves has been very good to us. our au-pair that sorts out the rest. we try to be best of freinds and buddy. we all have strenghts and weaknesses. if you dont magnify your partners weakness, you will see the strenght always outweights the weaknesses. generally i will say we have a great marraige. we date every thursday evening unfailingly. no phones, inlaws and outlaws, freinds etc just the 2 of us. we do our team work then. we reason and work out plans that night. it is not only good it is healthy too. we do allow freinds and young couples from church once a month shadow us if we have to counsell too. everything in life has a training period. i dont know know why people dont read on marraige/s. we make it a point of duty to read and we draw attention to things learnt and put them to practice. garry smalleys books are essential in our household. charles swindoll's a marraige oiled by grace is another. i keep listening and learning from these CDs now and again. we cant ever do it without God. i dont know what life would have been without my mrs. she is the best gift any man could wish for. peaceful, elegant,beautiful and above all gracious. i always pray a woman like her for my 2boys. they are just 5 & 7 i may add.
marraige is a beautiful thing if you dont marry the wrong person. my mum always asked us to pray for a marraige God would bless and He surely answered us both. dont be scared God's grace never leads no one to where His grace cant keep you. just make sure you trust Him all the way

Lilian Michael said...

I love the proverbs. More of the proverbs linda. Babes you can blog about anything you want to. Be it marriage, happiness, relationships. I find it very entertaining and I love the comments you get the most. Some of them are so right and some are quite funny.

Hair Azara said...

first of, am excited about Latifa's upcoming blog, can't wait to read it.

2nd I am afraid of getting married, I secretly know I don't want to be married. I just don't hav it in me. but I want lots of kids though!!

3rd gurl am in Nigera and I know wat u mean, MARRIAGE IS EVERYWHERE, in the papers in the movies, in songs, church, clubs, work, damn near EVERYWHERE, being single in this country is like a plague or diease. am 23 and everywhere around me has already planned my husband and children and everything. so I feel the need to mention and talk about it.

me I know myself. and I know that I am the kind of person that will pull a runaway bride on my hubby if am not happy in the end.

for those dat don't know, marriage is the skeleton on which our society is built, it is one of the easies way that a no-body can be a somebody.

that is why there are so many unhappy marriages. so sad. all these unnecessary calculations.

ELSIE said...

I AM A MARRIED WOMAN IN HER 30'S OF 2 AND 1 ON THE WAY ..AND I HAVE TO SAY THAT 90/10 IS A BIT OF AN EXAGGERATION, HOWEVER, IF ONLY WOMEN CAN UNDERSTAND THAT MEN ARE NOT WIRED LIKE WOMEN THEY CAN HAVE A BETTER APPRECIATION OF MARRIAGE..MARRIAGE ISNT DIFFICULT..THE KEY THING FOR A WOMAN IS TO MAKE SURE AND I EMPHASIZE MAKE SURE THAT YOU MARRY A MAN WITH A CONSCIENCE NOT A JERK...IF U DO HALF THE BATTLE IS WON!!!MY MARRIAGE ISNT AS SIZZLING HOT AS IT WAS IN THE BEGINING, BUT WE ARE MORE BONDED NOW AND THERE IS A LOVE THAT IS DEEPER THAN THE PHYSICAL...MORE LIKE SOULMATES... BUT PLS DONT FORGET ABT INTIMACY...WHICH CAN HAPPEN ONCE KIDS COME INTO THE PICTURE...

Anonymous said...

well, i am a married woman and i enjoy been married, there is nothing wrong with talking about it...if its time is time. one has to be happy and not tend to find happiness in something or someone else. marriage is not all bed of roses and no one should think so. if u marry someone u can not live without, a friend and a partner then u are set to suceed in marriage. in life as a whole u can not be 100% sure of anything, life is all part of risk...God is all that have the answer to evrey problem, so being 150% is no guarantee. there is no need being scared put it in God's hand and all is well....!

Anonymous said...

Thank you anon 2:04. I personally dont know why marriage gets such bad press from Nigerians. What is the alternative? remain unmarried without kids or just have kids outside wedlock?

To me even a bad marriage is neccessary evil and if it is neccessary , you bettter find a way to make it good. Even if it means going on your knees and praying for the spiritual guidance and humility neccessary to change one's self and also your partner.

But what do we get today... a bunch of selfish people that have been sold a lot of lies on TV (MTV cribs, Fabulous lifes of.., etc)about how easy life should be without any hard work.

No wonder people will enter the biggest project in their lives without trying to get adequate information on what to bring to it... Instead it's all about me me me.

I SAY GREED, LAZINESS AND SELFISHNESS ARE THE PROBLEMS WE ARE ALL FACING NOT MARRIAGE ITSELF

Niecy said...

@anon 6.15p, you sound very bitter. Are you in such a marriage?. It sounds like you are pining away for someone. Not are marriages are doomed and i mos def do not agree with the 90/10 ratio. Granted, some pple are not happy in their marriages but that is becos they went into the relationship for the wrong reasons. Majorint of the peeps i know are happy so my dear linda, don't let the naysayers discourage you. Keep yourself surrounded by positive and God fearing people. The good Lord who led me to a good man will lead you to yours in good time.

Anonymous said...

yeah like lilian said .. blog about anything , I enjoy most of the responses on the topic.

Anonymous.. 2:04am .. i enjoyed reading your piece

wendu

Yewande Atanda said...

LINDA

pls don't mind the anonymous writer jare.

is marriage not an important issue?
have u ever been to courts to witness divorce proceedings? do u knw the number of people dat divoce in Nigeria daily?
do u knw that most of the failed marriages could have been prevented?
do you know how much marriage counsellors make daily?
do u know how many people cried when Bimbo died in a plane crash? and did u ask urself why?

pls continue talking abt issues affecting people. we love it. you hav a right to post whatever on ur personal blog, but PLS avoid "intellectual crime".

Anonymous said...

@Niecy

Im not married oh!! I have many friends and acquitances that are for wrong reasons. Like most of the pple here, i dey fear marriage too.

All im sayn is be careful and do it for the right reason( cos u r with dat some1 u want to spend d rest of ur life with) not cos Nkechi, Bumni and Halima are all married.

Lol... girl...please...


XOXO,
Anon 6.15pm

dScR?Be said...

mehnnnn.. commit ur ways 2 d Lord and He shall direct your path... no leles, no shaking..

nothing dey pa, anything wey pa na winch...

In conclusion, u are what you believe.. If u believe say ur marriage go join d unhappy statistics, then it will... If u totally rely on God to direct and lead you.. stand on His word.. mehn I believe say u'll be VERRYY alright.. more than very sef.. EXTREMELY ALRIGHT!!

So madam... even if ur 150% sure carnally, yawa still fit gas... totally reply on d Man up there - God, Jesus... let ur spirit, soul and mind be convinced even in the midst of the said hubby's imperfections...

Stay blessed! :D

PS: we never chop our own cake oh.. ur pichures r lurvvllliiieee!

Anonymous said...

At d end of it all, marry o no marry o, na just a matter of choice. Joy comes from within and nobody can give or take your joy. They can share it with you but only God can b d source of true joy and contentment.I tell people that to me marriage is just a selfless act of choosing someone very special to be a witness to d awesomeness that God has created in you. You are sharing your life and so it is based on a foundation hat is patient and kind, bears no wrong.......nothing esle needs to happen for your life to be more complete. It is complete now in Jesus, it is complete still when u decide to marry, have children, have a great job, have a great house.......be alive in d the
present.....know that nothing extra needs to happen in ur life...we are completely created whole in Christ Jesus...all of life is about sharing that wholeness.

Anonymous said...

Linda there is nothing bad if u talk about marriage each time u talk about it billions of people gain from it both married and the singles.Ride on .That is what d singles need and the married to make necessaru adjustments.Bone breaking Nigerian proverbs tooooooooooooooo funny.

Anonymous said...

Linda there is nothing bad if u talk about marriage each time u talk about it billions of people gain from it both married and the singles.Ride on .That is what d singles need and the married to make necessaru adjustments.Bone breaking Nigerian proverbs tooooooooooooooo funny.

Anonymous said...

what a good question you put up.
Ratio 90% to 10% may be an ecageration, BUT i won't doubt it, it might be close to that.
unahappiness can be due to many things.
NOTE: People should NOT get married because their friends are doing so or because their family are pressurising them to or because younger sister is on her way to the altar or am getting older.
Nobody, i mean no marriage is pure & perfect, but it take the grace of God, prayer & your wiseness to perfect your marriage.
before we get married (especially us ladies), we need to:
1.find out more about our partner
2.ask people questions
3.test him even if you're to make him angry
4.communicate with him ( he might say you nag too much), but make him realise you're trying to make him understand you and not bottling up things in your mind.
5.show you care and support him too.
6.express your feelings to him ( if you miss him, you tell him)
most of all pray together.

ITORO said...

not getting married at all is the answer.

http://relationshipstories.blogspot.com