My name is Wale. I’ve been married for the past seven years and my marriage is blessed with two children. But the problem is that my wife has bluntly refused to bear my name. Rather, she fights me whenever I ask her to do the right thing. This has made me lose confidence in our marital relationship to the detriment of the children. Whenever I ask her to state her reason for not wanting to bear my name, she would say there is nothing in a name! Please, what is there in a name (her words)? We got married in church. Your advice will be greatly valued. From Wale.
47 comments:
Wale should go and park well. What possible advice would he get here? Be a man and resolve your issues and stop washing your family's linen outside.
Besides isn't name change something that is supposed to be discussed before marriage? If her stance on keeping her surname is such a big deal, why u no go find another person? 7 years down the line u r now looking for a solution.
She must bear your name. It seems she has a skeleton in her cupboard. If there is nothing in a name, why is then AFRAID to bear your name. If her maiden name is so valuable or important to her, then she can decide to bear a compound name. But bluntly refusing to bear your name be as e get o.
I suggest you report her to her parent and your pastor. If she still refuse to change after this, I'm afraid that is the cross you have to bear. What God(if it is God that joined you)has joined together, let no name put asunder.
even the bible say the man and woman will leave their parents house and the two will bcome one!that means 4 u to get married u re leaving everything that is owned by ur parents to become d missing half of ur spouse. so its a must that she bears ur name!if she loves her father's name that much then LET HER MARRY HER FATHER!!!a good wife who want to have a happy home must join hand in hand with her hubby in everything.and must listen to her hubby no matter how small the husband is he is still d head of the woman as jesus is the head of the man.the more u disrespect the man d more u disrespect GOD cos its GOD that put him in dat position.let her bear ur name nor give her an ultimatum! christie
If that is the only problem in your marriage then you are lucky. I know countless number of women who don't bear their husband's name. this is 2011, you can't force her to change her name to yours. You guys can however reach a compromise by her taking a double barrell surname. e.g. Linda Ikeji-Okoro (sorry Linda!).
PS. This is actually a non issue so stop disturbing us.
Wale take heart, God controls the heart of man, so He will touch her heart. Don't allow the situation to weigh you down, this is a trial and you need to ask God what lesson(s) He wants you to learn. The Bible says that we are all running a race on this earth so we shouldn't be weighed down by circumstance but to set our sight on winning. We should be fully obedient to God and we should strive to live a truly godly life. The devil will always bring issues our way that's why we need to focus on God because He is the only constant in our lives.
Since this situation has gone on for this long, I will advice that you don't nag her about it. Let God handle it. While you are waiting for God to handle it, forgive her and treat her with love and respect. If anything she might want to repay your love and kindness by changing her surname to yours and surprising you with it.
God bless you and your family
Eki
You've been married for seven years and her not taking your name only just became a problem? There must be something you're not saying. Did she just get a new job or promotion, and that is making you feel threatened. Or did she recently become less respectful? Or are there some outside people now whispering in your ears
IMO, taking name, not taking name is no biggie. Work out the core of your marriage relationship and forget about the little things. I'm sure there are many other things you both have compromised to be together, and tolerate about each other. Don't allow this issue to flush seven years, and possibly your children's future, down the drain.
All the best!
Wale, this is not an issue. It is not and has NEVER been part of ANY Nigerian culture for a woman to change her name when marrying.
It is not even a Christian practice.
It is a EUROPEAN custom.
So Wale, your wife is doing the CORRECT thing as a Nigerian (and I am assuming Yoruba woman since you too are Yoruba) by resisting this ridiculous foreign custom.
Finally Wale, since you asked "what is in a name?" if a name is so meaningless/unimportant to you then I heartily suggest that YOU Wale go to the nearest court and change YOUR name to your wife's surname ASAP.
Your wife was not born with you attached to her hip, why should she alter her identity just because she married you? Are you willing to do the same for her?
Charity begins at home Wale. If you want your wife to change her name you should first change your name to your wife's name.
wale you should be ashamed of yourself to let something like a silly name to affect your relationship with your wife. like she said what's in a name? she bearing your name isn't going to make a difference. just because every other woman in nigeria does it doesn't make it compulsory.
what you should focus on is how to make your relationship stronger and how to raise your children to become useful citizens of this society.
if that marriage crumbles just know that its your fault because your chauvinist ways prevented you from focusing on what is important...your family and marriage and not some bloody last name.
SMH It is 7 years and 2 children later that this dude realizes it's an issue?
SMH again.
I think he's just looking for an out from his marriage, if that's the case, he should just man up and ask for a divorce.
Who uses what name is an issue that is discussed before the wedding takes place, not after the fact...
Is she Italian?
If she doesnt want to change her last name, let her be.Why does she have to change her identity because she fell in love and decided to marry you?Changing the last names may be the norm but it doesnt mean everybody wants to and should do it.While it is the norm now, It is a custom that subconsciously tell us that women are the lesser gender and should get rid of self identity because their really identity doesnt mean anything. I will advise you to look past this tradition and put your male ego aside and really think about it.Would you change you own identity?A name you have always been known by because you married her?..
Lol...see people using bible to justify SHIT!!!!I am sure some people can use the bible to justify murder and all sort of stupid traditions.So when the bible said a man and woman must become one,It is directly referring to the fact that a "WOMAN MUST CHANGE HER LAST NAME?????"SMDH...
This man needs to go and sit down. He's losing confidence in his marriage because of a name? Kindda sounds immature and psychological if you ask me. I agree with his wife-- it's just a name. What of cultures where the woman isn't required to take her husband's name. Wouldn't he have confidence in his marriage if he were part of such a culture?
This dude is not a serious man- so what if his wife does not want to bear his surname? I won't take my hubby's name either as there is no law that makes taking your husband's name compulsory. It is possible that something else is going on but Wale is using the name issue as an excuse to cover up the real issue. There is also the question of confidence as well- perhaps he is not a confident man.
Not a bad problem to have in a marriage. Go and ask my aunty whose has been married for 8 yes without a kid and her husband just finally gave her Till December 2011 to produce a child or be prepared to take an assistnce within the house
ehn ehn u this my husband, you have brought this matter here. i will not change my name o
lol im not your wife o .... dont beat the poor woman. really what's in a name change?
if she is going to be a bad wife, changing her name won't stop that. if she is a good wife, what does it matter?
how dumb is @Surprise? she has a skeleton in her cupboard? she has to be reported to her parents and the Pastor? really?
Your solution is as dumb as Wale's question
Really its not that deep. Wale sounds like a spoil kid and most of the replies are very primitive in my opinion.
MR Wale abi what's ur name ..U sure are looking for an excuse there's more to it than it meets the eyes.I am married to a very popular family and i will not take their name not because i don't want to but because of the way people behave when they hear it .I hate the attention and i hate the fakeness that i get from poeple wen my hubby says dats Mrs............ .I prefer to be me and i prefer the way people treat me with my name.I am happy n my hubby is happy and everybody damn sure knows am is wife and nothing is changed.I still bear my father name and we ve been married longer than u.So think of the situation and circumstances.
Is it that she doesnt want the attention as well
Is it that she just cant go thru the stress of name changing and it sure is alot of stress and where does she start with work or accummulated certificates or degrees.I think there's more to life than a name and if u know u don't have anything hidden within this UR name u want her to take i think u should let it go .Is 7years later not too late for u to complain ...?
Ditto Sugabelly's sentiment.
Enough said.
Women Are so Bias!!!!!
SEE how u all r just fooling yourselves .
This is so BADDDDDDDD. A man does some little stuff ....you will hear
women shouting crucifix HIM!!!!
But if na woman do am..then it's Ok!
It is the pride of a woman to change her surname to dat of her husband but these days its no longer worth anything.
Now, every foolish , blind girl out there wants to be single mother and even the ones who r lucky enough to have a MAN still don't her name changed!
I dey shame for una o o o o o!
Anonymous 11.02pm, you are MAD. Go and get some education and enlightenment. Linda posters like this are dumbing down the quality of this blog. Nonsense.
"My Wife Does Not Want To Bear My Name" – REMIXED.
Hello everyone. My name is Wale. My wife calls me “Racoon Head”. I don’t know why. I’ve been married for seven years. Against my wish, we got married in church. I’m a Muslim. We have two children. My wife insisted they must have Christian names. I suspect they are not mine. They look nothing like me. Last time I slept with my wife was 5 years ago. She gave me viral disease, genital herpes. I unknowingly married a whore. I know she’s cheating on me. My wife refused to use my last name. Each time I ask her for reason for not using same surname as me, she fobs me off. She said there’s nothing in a name. She beats me up me whenever I ask her to change her second name to mine. Last time I asked, I ended up in A & E with bruised lip, broken nose and broken ribs. I destroyed my self esteem and self-confidence. She’s bossy, rude, and very unpleasant. She’s a bully and an alcoholic. She’s the worst cook in the world. I’d describe her cooking as burnt offering. I’d choose dog food any day over her cooking. My relatives advised me to divorce her. I’m not brave enough. I don’t want to end up with screen wash in my food or hospitalised. She’s evil and capable of anything. I don’t trust that woman. Should I divorce her or kill myself? Your advice will be greatly appreciated.
From: Wale Dumas.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Dear Wolly,
You moron. I will be brutally honest with you. You are a complete 100% genuine Grade-A dumb ass. Obviously, your wife hates you. She doesn’t love you. She never did. She never will. The kids are not yours. The kids hates you. They know you are not their daddy. Your wife is shagging others, except you. You've been through a lot. You've had enough. Kill yourself. Hurry. A loaded gun and hand grenade in the post for you, dear. Use both, simultaneously, on yourself only. Good luck.
Heartlessly yours,
M
:: < > ::
LMAOOOOOOOO @ My wide doesnt want to bear my name - REMIX . Wale needs to go and sit down and think about other issues disturbing him. so it's after seven years that he decided that his wife not adopting his last name disturbs him. and so Linda Ikeji is the psychologist that will solve his problems abi? Bloody numbnut.
honestly i think ur wife might end up leavin u for being not too smart... is ur name going to make the relationship stronger...no...
u need to b happy that u dint actually catch her cheating...
i am a man, im married, and my wife doesn't bear my name and it is not a problem because i love her and i met her with her name. she wears my ring and even if no one knows we are married, we do, our children do and God does...
ermmmm anonymous 11:02... u r the funniest person here...hahaha
p.s. it is crucify him not crucifix him...
and it aint a typo....y is far from x... u thot it was crucifix you...hahahah...
What's in a name anyways?
Nigerians sef
Blogblogaboutit.blogspot.com
Seriously Nigerian Men should up, what is there in the man Name,
U r complaining about not Carry Ur Name what is Ur Children r not Yours or what if She is cheating on U, my dear there r more serious issues than that a Woman carrying Ur Name or not
What a waste
@anon 10.26 pm... Thanks for the compliment.
Hmmmm....a very sensitive matter..but let me ask; DID THIS NOT COME UP DURING YOUR COURTSHIP?...& WHEN THE DOTTED LINES WERE SIGNED, WHAT NAME WAS PUT ON THE MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE THAT WAS PRESENTED TO BOTH OF YOU?....it seems you were believing she would change her 'stand' when she eventually gets into the reality of marriage? well, in every desperate situation, there is a desperate solution...DON'T MAKE HER YOUR NEXT OF KIN SINCE SHE REFUSED TO BEAR YOUR NAME OR HAVE A COMPOUND NAME! MAKE YOUR FIRST SON YOUR NEXT OF KIN PUTTING A CLAUSE WHICH WOULD NOT MAKE THE MOTHER HAVE ACCESS TO ANY OF YOUR ASSESTS!. .shikenna! Pls don't lose sleep over the matter...SILENCE IS GOLDEN!...when you present this to her,....just wait for her reaction...DEM NO DEY TELL BLIND MAN SAY MARKET DON CLOSE, BY THE TIME HE NO HEAR VOICES, THEN HE GO KNOW! & NAH WOMAN NAH NEVER SEE TROUBLE NAH DEY TAKE HAND DEY HOLD BREAST RUN!
Ha! i am here again linda...I HAD READ ALL THE COMMENTS, AND NIGERIANS NEVER CEASE TO AMAZE ME WITH THEIR DOUBLE-STANDARDS! I BLAME WALE FOR BRINGING THIS TO PUBLIC TO BE INSULTED BY EVERY DICK AND HARRY! AS I ASKED EARLIER ON,
WHY IS THIS NOW A PROBLEM?
WHY DID YOU NOT TACKLE IT IN THE FIRST YEAR OF YOUR MARRIAGE?
DID SHE NOT SAY A WORD ABOUT IT BEFORE GETTING MARRIED?
THE BALL IS IN YOUR COURT, DO AS YOU WISH BECAUSE WHEN YOU WERE GETTING MARRIED TO HER, YOU DID NOT CONSULT ANYBODY, SO WHY NOW, AFTER 7YEARS YOU ARE COMPLAINING? IF YOU KNOW YOU ARE NOT FEELING COMFORTABLE WITH THE ARRANGEMENT AND ALL APPEALS CONTINUED TO FALL ON DEAF EARS, SIMPLY SEEK HELP FROM THE COURT TO ADDRESS THE ISSUE THAN TO BE MOCKED, TEASED, AND INSULTED BY PEOPLE WITH THE FACES OF JANUS!
I KNOW I WOULD GET NASTY-COMEBACK COMMENTS BUT I WOULD DO MY BEST NOT TO REPLY BECAUSE THERE ARE SOME SITUATIONS WHERE SILENCE IS GOLDEN!!!!.
Jeezz Ibhade, talk about killing an ant with a sledge hammer. Either you have been watching too many nollywood movies or you need to get out more. Nigerians are so caught up and wrapped up in this whole marriage thing that they get over excited about the tiniest issues. something as trivial as a "name" is getting this dude depressed. Please don't take Ibhade's spiteful advice. It will not get you anywhere. Rise above the situation. If it matters too much to you tell her to consider a compound name. If not, trust me, it is not important. Don't allow the devil and devilish people to convince you to start a fight with your wife over this. Look at the bigger picture. At the end of the day your family's all you've got. All the people you think are talking about you over this will keep talking no matter what happens.
Dear Wale, i have been married for 5 years and i have always wanted to change my name to my hubby's from the first day i got married, however it has been my husband who has been relunctant with me changing it. I guess this may have to do with us going thru all the stress of changing at the UK homeoffice, bank documents, passports and all that stuff. On all official stuff and work (including a masters degree he paid for), i still use my maiden name, however, on social levels, i go with my hubby's. And this has not caused any problems in my household.
What i am trying to say here is that change of name should not change the love you have for each other. Understanding the reason behind this is what you both need to work with.
All the best in handling this situation with understanding and trust in each other!
Ha ha as far as I'm concerned, Ibhade's suggestion is d most sensible. I can't imagine Wale's wife standing next to him yet someone's addressing her as Mrs. Seun Badnews instead of (Wale). Ma fiancee told me d same ting a couple of weeks back n I smiled cos I know wen d table turns she wud b wishing she neva tot of it in d first place.
did they not discuss this before the marriage?
Well, this is not enough to lose sleep over Wale...whats the big deal anyways? why do men feel the need to possess a woman body soul and spirit
@ Wale, get over yourself already.Her changing her last name does not mean she loves you more of less.Your children are already going to bear YOUR name so quit whining.
.Women can now vote, get education and provide substantial income to the family.It is no longer about the man barking out orders because he is the only breadwinner.A woman is free to decide these things.It is the 21st century and women have a say in these things now. As sugabelly pointed out,It is a stupid European culture that has ravaged our system. If a woman wants to change her last name so be it but me personally, i am NOT CHANGING my last name. A man is born, lives and dies and he would forever be identified by the same name, why on earth should i as a woman have to change my identity and label. What is the rationale behind it?We will be a family unit whether or not i have your last name.
To the person who said"make your FIRST SON your next of kin" are you kidding me?So if the first child is a girl,she is irrelevant?Well if you think like this, i totally understand your stance on this issue.You really are living in the stone age.No further words.
what is it in changing ur name to ur husband's name? if u can marry a man,y can't u use his name? this is why there's high level of divorce. most of our mothers r using our fathers' names. ladies of these days can be so unnecessarily stubborn bcos of western influence. whose standards r u looking up to? do what suits ur family,every marriage is diff. if ur husband does not like d idea,comply with him,afterall he's d head of d family and u've to submit to him-The Bible says so.yes,The BIBLE bcos God's standards shld be our guide in all we do especially in marriage.i'm a married woman too.
This is actually for ibhiade, I laff out loud o!
So because your own husband obviously treats you like a second-class dependent you now want to spread your own brand of misery around. Haha. I get you. Well, it might rock your world to know that some husbands actually love their wives and the thought of say leaving their wives poor and destitute in the event of an unfortunate happening as punishment for not taking a name is unthinkable. Yes, it exists. Please face your own front abeg.
Hahaha @ plethora of comments... Wale live and let live. If u know she's ur wife and she knows you're her husband, then so be it.
As to the person whose husband is making u a secret agent in public, there's more to your tori than meets the eye lol...
@ Ibhade, how different are you from those who insulted Wale?
I was on a thread recently and this was the same issue that was being discussed.The comment that made the most sense to me way by this anonymous poster.
She said "When I married I retained my last name. For me, it was an issue of identity, although I believe that women should make a choice they are comfortable with, whether it be hyphenating, name change, or keeping their last name. Men who are too narrow minded to consider a woman’s point of view who prefers to keep her own last name should ask themselves if they would be comfortable giving up their own last name for hers. A healthy marriage comes from far more than sharing the same last name. Numerous failed marriages of couples who shared the same last name should be proof enough that this will not ensure marital unity."
So at all the posters here saying women are unnecessarily stubborn think again.Women have the faculty to think and make decisions by themselves just the same way men do.It doesnt make a woman rebellious, it is just a decision she wants to make.Not every woman has succumbed to the societal norms and the gender biased system.A woman is not a property neither is she a slave.Unlike you, some women are not afraid to step out of the box and break irrelevant norms.It is a choice!!
WOMEN HAVE BRAINS AND CAN THINK FOR THEMSELVES.
The tradition of changing a woman's last name came about 1000 years ago.The bible is 2000 years old.Therefore using the bible as the foundation for this useless arguments renders it NULL.Do the math and go figure.
Sorry o Wale, but I shld ask, are u sure your behaviour, ur xter is good enof for ur wife to feel comfortable with u? From all I know, every matured girl is eager to marry, flaunt her ring and her new title; MRS. So if your wife is not proud to flaunt your name then perharps ur xter is so discomforting that she is scared not to have thje problem of identity or constant changing of names by the time u eventually force her out of the marriage. Chek ursef and make her proud of u.then she'll willingly and joyfully bear ur name.
This Wale is just sounds like a whiner. If a last name is so important to you as to make you lose your self esteem then you are obviously a very weak man. I'm a muslim and in Islam a woman is even encouraged to keep her father's name because they usually went by e.g Zainab Ibn(I think) i.e daughter of Muhammed. Now if u were in an islamic society, would you be complaining. Having surnames was a recent devt and is even an European thing. The reason why change of surnames isn't really encouraged is in cases of divorce and death. Esp when d wife remarries. Legally, think about the stress she would go through. Besides she has her own identity. She knows she is your wife, everyone important to you knows that she is your wife, she has borne kids for you, what more do you want? There are so many families where the wife has been taking care of the household's financial needs for many years so because she is bearing the husband's name it is much better?
Ibhade and Surprise gave the worst pieces of advice ever. How old are you guys? Women are developing fast and have had their own identities for years. A real man should be able to deal with it.
If the woman is a very important person, who is well known by her maiden name in her field of expertise why change her name to satisfy a man's ego and wipe out her own existence. Abegi
Ibhade believe it or not, very many women work as hard as their husbands, they are also mothers as well. Some are the bread winners, I am a doctor in an oil company, my husband is just a lecturer. If my husband dies, my world will not end, same with other idustrious women, except for the pain of loosing a loved one and my children loosing their beloved dad.
But to be fair, you as a housewife, you have no self esteem, nothing to look forward to except how to eat your husband's salary. You add nothing to your family. If he falls ill or he dies, your children might be sent out of school and might even starve as YOU have no value, nothing at all to sustain your current lifestyle. So your reasoning is understandable, thinking towards next of kin issue. How much is the total emolument of an average Nigerian worker (not oil worker, telecoms or crafty politician) kpakpa?
As for Wale, discuss this issue lovingly with your wife. The reasons might be the sheer volume of paper-work involved in changing her names, or it could be that your surname leaves a lot to be desired. A bornagain christian will not appreciate a name like arowoogun due to the glorification of ogun.(a god) or maybe this is her desire as a human being and you should respect it in as much as she is not cheating you and still remains a loving wife and mother.
Please keep your domestic affairs out of the public arena
Tate
This man is a BUSH man, yes Wale I said you are a country bumpkin, B.U.S.H. man! Seven years and two children later, you now have the cojones to open your mouth and complain about such an inconsequential issue? Has her not changing her name stopped her from being a supportive spouse? Stopped her from giving you sex when you need it? Stopped her from cooking, cleaning, raising your children, respecting your family, maintaining all the values and principles in her life that caused you to fall in love with her? Has it changed the price of tea in China?
My friend, no make I whoooze you for dere o! Nonsense! Have you ever heard the saying if it ain't broke, don't fix it?
I changed my information right after my wedding because I wanted all our information to match but the wahala and cost almost made me regret it sef and so I understand why some women might not want to bother.
Besides, depending on her line of work, the woman has built a name for herself under her maiden name, she is a brand unto herself in her business under her name, it takes NOTHING away from you.
Just love, support your wife AND BE THANKFUL that this is the only "issue" you have in your marriage.
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