I was listening to her and crying; not for the man she wished death...(I knew she didn't really mean it, it was just anger talking), I was crying because of the deep pain I felt in her voice; the intence hatred, the extreme bitterness, the anguish, the sorrow, the confusion...but above all - the let down. "How could he do this to me?', I heard several times in the conversation "Where's my fairy tale ending Linda?" I also heard.
When someone we love deeply hurts us, we are expected to forgive them, and if we no longer want them in our lives; let them go, wish them the best and move on. But for some of us, it's not that easy. Once the love is gone, only hate remains. What I want to know is; where does the hate come from?
How can we go from - loving someone so much we marry them, have kids with them, spend the best years of our lives with them... - then turn around to hate them so much, we wish/want them dead. How can a love so deep turn so easily into the most intense hatred? What happens?
You find some divorced couples who can't stand the sight of each other and some actually go out of their way to try to bring the other down. And you wonder, was there ever love between these people?
At what point does love turn to hate? Why is the line between the two emotions so thin? And is the hate reversible? Does anybody out there have an answer?
Please share your thoughts...
19 comments:
When a serious relationship is broken up by one party it can be devastating to the partner who feels jilted (and often for the jilter as well). Emotions range from denial and disbelief to anger to frustration to self-directed anger to self pity. At least that's how it happened with me. Eventually the grey clouds parted, the sun shone and I could love again. Depending on how emotionally involved they both were, the full healing can take a while - took me 2 years even with a fantastic support network and people who literally loved me up from the pit of despair. It was a truly traumatic experience but know what? It made me stronger than I ever realised I was. To be able to hold one's head up in public and forge ahead with life after being unceremoniously 'dumped' takes courage and grace and I found I had double portions of both. Today I find myself giving counsel to so many other young women in similar situations and I really thank God for the opportunity. So please tell your friend she is by no means alone. Tell her to allow the process of healing to take place, not be afraid to rant, rave and purge herself of her emotions. Tell her to rediscover her friends and her family and things that she truly enjoys, to slowly but steadily learn to trust God, His word and man again and in the course of time, she will realise that all that happened was for good...
linda,nice watch,people turn it upside down ,when u break up with your lover,hatred comes after especially when side talks arises,gossipers doing their thing,the hatred for each other will not be controllable
because it hurts more when d one u once loved and trusted (and probably stl do) betrays and hurts u.
it also depends on the extent of his/her betrayal...pretty much what he/she did.
It is also even more painful when the individual in question shows no sign of remorse. I believe that is where "hate" comes in in most cases. nothing worse than doing sum1 wrong and appearing unapologetic for the pain uve caused.
makes one wonder if u ever loved him/her in d first place.
Thankfully i've never really been at that place n hope not to be.
just my 2 cents
excuse any typos
You already said it, only a very thin line exist between love and hatred.Some even say that Love is as strong as death, so that intensity of emotion can tilt either way, love or hate. Just like Zoe said, a myriad of emotion flood thru the offended one so anything can happen when love is no longer in place. We need to realize that love is subjective and we have to treat it as such. While it is true that Love is trusting, we should not forget that human nature can vary at anytime sometime not intentional, so we should only trust God for our partners.He is the only constant and unchangeable being.For anyone experiencing hurt, just take solace in God and nurture real friendships, the sun will definately shine. It is not an easy process though, but with determination things will be alright again. No need to hold on to grudges, it would only deepen the pain, forgiveness and acceptance will do a lot in the healing process. Thinking evil or wishing an erstwhile lover death or harm is not ideal because even if these happen, they will still not assuage the gap that have already being created. Thats what I think.
Love and hate are emotions that are really complex even to the most renowned philosophers. I personally don't think it is only when one party gets jilted or cheated on with a 3rd party that love turns to hate.
Little things like jealousy, envy,betrayal, resentment, taking each other for granted all contribute to falling apart. And this doesn't just apply to relationships but to friendships as well.
There is a thin line between love and hate we normally hear, but I think it is actually a thin line between love to hate! We sometimes end up disliking people we love a lot, but the truth can't be said as many times about the reverse, because we don't normally come to love people we hate a lot very much.
Anyway, forgiveness, love, tolerance and mercy are what it takes to ensure that every relationship and friendship we hold endures and lives on. Life is too complex, we can never find the answer to everything, we should live it in love and in God as each day comes and goes. And we should always remember NEVER to take anyone for granted!
God Bless y'all xxx
i ve been there but wat i realised is dat if u love sumone deeply...u can neva hate d person.maybe ,am wrong but dats d way i felt abt it.i still try to find an excuse for his action.d pain was deep but after 5 years,i still have a special place for him in my heart despite d fact dat he has moved on.....true love differs
The thin line between the 2 is a mystery no one can explain. Both are feelings that can't be described. But the truth is, like you have said, love can turn to hate. The ratio of hatred can in fact, be higher than that of the love.
It's just like expecting too much from your partner and in many ways he or she fails to meet up.
You are then left disappointed, furious, hurt, dejected and all you can do is hate and hate....
It can't be described really.
But when it happens, it's pays to let go. Forget you ever met that person (though not totally easy), but it can be worked out.
I think that every love or hate relationship is tinged with just a bit of the opposite of whatever you feel for someone. ie there's just a wee bit of hate in all that deep passionate extravagant love you feel for Mr. A.
But that's just me talking...One thing for certain is that the love never really goes away.
@anon 12.26p, you are right. It is hard to hate someone you loved deeply. At the time of the breakup, u may feel anger, frustration, betrayed and all kinds of pain and u conclude that u finally hate him but i think pple say that to get over the jilter.(this is my opinion). When you finally move on and are happy again, u will find u still care for that person and wish him well. Hate hinders you from moving on and its unhealthy too. It's also possible that u were not meant for each other in the first place but in most cases, u will only realise this after u have broken up and u are able to think rationally. Love has a way of clouding our judgement so we don't see what is right in front of us. In all that we do, we should always seek God and ask for wisdom and guidance.
When i was having problems with an ex, i took it to the Lord in prayer and he gave me signs that the relationship is not meant to be. Signs that i had seen but ignored, waving it off an a figment of my imagination. But it all came to pass. Now, i am happily married to someone else and thank God for that every day. And my ex is still unmarried .....after almost 7 years...
i go with zoe
I just knew they were going to stay together. I see you changed up your place. Very nice, love it. Has a more homey feel. Hope all is well.
Yeah I've been the offended but for me I DO NOT love him anymore. And yes I did hate him initially especially because he was vaguely remorsely.
Now, I've moved beyond that point and unlike the perception that "the deeper the relationship, the longer the healing period", I moved on in 4 mths and I'm talking about a 10 yrs bond here.I was not going to wallow in pity over some man who disrespected me. He lost his rights to being worth such a reaction. Period.
it's amazing how liberating life gets after stuff like this.... ;)
The same way you have to consciously and constantly love someone is the same you have to consciously and constantly NOT hate that same someone if/when you guys break up! If you allow intense hatred grow in you, then you are harming urself it is hard, but if you love urself you just have to shake it off and move on! Wish him/her well from the bottom of ur heart and then work towards a better you without the hindrance of hatred.
Love turns to hate, usually wen the one u love so much have hurted u very bad, becuz u feel betwayed, n u feel like theres no othr way to feel, but to be angry, n as time goes by that feeling turns to hate..hate comes from hurt..n hurt comes from love...until u learn to forgive that person or for watevr reason it is that u feel that way. U must forgive n try to understand why it happened. If in the end u cant understand, u must believe that everything happens for a reason. As long as u keep holding on that hateted, know not only ur hateing that person, but ur also hateing urslf, becuz that feeling comes from inside of u, and im sure that feeling that ur feeling is also crushing u up inside...
Sometimes, one partner tries to hide some things from the other. Over time this leads to the deterioration of your relationship and can often lead to sadness at both ends.
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Because many times the person you are with says or does things in the relationship to break the bonds of trust. They treat you badly, they have no empathy for your feelings, and all they care about is themselves. At first you feel sorry for yourself and blame yourself, then you feel sorry for partner and try to help them and then you grow tired emotionally of being a door mat. Sometimes you hate yourself for putting up with it and sometimes you just hate the person for being who they are and you want to get free. This is the cycle of narricisim and co-dependency. At the end of the day you can only blame yourself for staying because the person you thought you were marrying isn't that person at all.
Because many times the person you are with says or does things in the relationship to break the bonds of trust. They treat you badly, they have no empathy for your feelings, and all they care about is themselves. At first you feel sorry for yourself and blame yourself, then you feel sorry for partner and try to help them and then you grow tired emotionally of being a door mat. Sometimes you hate yourself for putting up with it and sometimes you just hate the person for being who they are and you want to get free. This is the cycle of narricisim and co-dependency. At the end of the day you can only blame yourself for staying because the person you thought you were marrying isn't that person at all.
Because many times the person you are with says or does things in the relationship to break the bonds of trust. They treat you badly, they have no empathy for your feelings, and all they care about is themselves. At first you feel sorry for yourself and blame yourself, then you feel sorry for partner and try to help them and then you grow tired emotionally of being a door mat. Sometimes you hate yourself for putting up with it and sometimes you just hate the person for being who they are and you want to get free. This is the cycle of narricisim and co-dependency. At the end of the day you can only blame yourself for staying because the person you thought you were marrying isn't that person at all.
Because many times the person you are with says or does things in the relationship to break the bonds of trust. They treat you badly, they have no empathy for your feelings, and all they care about is themselves. At first you feel sorry for yourself and blame yourself, then you feel sorry for partner and try to help them and then you grow tired emotionally of being a door mat. Sometimes you hate yourself for putting up with it and sometimes you just hate the person for being who they are and you want to get free. This is the cycle of narricisim and co-dependency. At the end of the day you can only blame yourself for staying because the person you thought you were marrying isn't that person at all.
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