I need a female perspective on an issue. I'm 37 and my wife is 35, we've been married 8 years and have 2 kids. We both have good jobs, home and a good life..on the surface that is.
Emotionally we have no connection. I feel her focus is the kids, the home, job, and friends in that order. She is a perfect mother to our kids and our home is amazing.
However we rarely have adult conversations, or spend alone time, and sex is 'ok', nothing wow! only go out to 'functions' and really live separate lives. I travel internationally for work, she travels for summer hols with the kids. There just isn't a connection between us. it's like we are 2 strangers who like each other and love our kids. if I went away for 3 months, I doubt I'd miss her, and vice versa.
For the kids sake divorce isn't on the table, but what happens when our kids are grown and i'm in my 50's? living alone in a big empty house with a woman I barely know???
I recently met someone who is vibrant, funny, intelligent, stunning, so so intelligent, that I fear I may cheat and it will be more than just sex...so far nothing has happened, but I can see the difference between my marriage and what could make me happy.
The question is, what's the best way to tell my wife she bores me? without coming across as a bastard? I need a female perspective from people who don't know both of us.
without sounding rude and I am a dude, you probably bore her as well. Have you tried doing things with her? Have you tried taking her out to dinner and having a chat about your marriage? What about a break just for the two of you to a romantic city where you are able to talk to one another. from your email, she seems to me to be a good woman however, you have both let other things take the place of your relationship with one another. Another woman will look attractive to you because of your desires however, the way that seems right to a man ends in distruction. If you are a Christian, know that God has warned us men about mistreating the wives of our youth. God instructed Man to Love in spite of the woman's short-comings so the love aspect of your marriage is your responsibility, fix it and one more thing, a family that prays together, stay together. Pray with your family, being the head of the home means you shoulder the responsibility of making sure that your marriage works.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, you both need to talk things through. And dont just put all the blame on her as you are in a relationship, "it takes two to tango". You need to talk to her and reignite the spark. She may have a different perspective or maybe holding back something.
ReplyDeleteBoth your happiness are important in making the relationship stable. Yall need to be spontaneous and enjoy what God has blessed you with, a family.
All you need to do is talk, just as friends. I bet she has her own take on the issue. Communication is essential. Obviously i dont expect you to say "oh darling, you bore me". but be prepared to also take part blame no matter how little it may be. That way you dont come across as a "bastard".
Hope this helps.
Soulchild x
I'm happy the question is coming from a guy, it shows you love your wife and you want something to change. I was working on this topic on my blog... so I'll give you a snip of what I have. This happens to a lot of couples. You're not alone.
ReplyDelete"You have to get back to "before the kids" and "before work". A lot of women have their children take the place of their husband, forgetting that soon the children will grow up and leave the home. Then you'll be left living with a stranger. A lot of men take have their business/work take the place of their wives as well."
Here are some quick tips:
1. Talk to your wife, let her know your concerns.
2. Make an effort to re-kindle the flame.
3. have a date night/ date weekend: Have the kids go visit cousins, grannies, sleep overs whatever it is. Just have them GONE that weekend! LOL. It does not mean you don't love your kids. Happy couples raise happy children.
4. When you wake up in the morning before you get out of bed, kiss your wife, say good morning, and say you love her.
5. Have bed times for your kids early enough, so that you can have that a lone time before you both go to bed.
6. Get a cleaning service/maid to help clean your house so that's one less thing your wife has to worry about.
7. Try not to every bring work home.
There's more but you'll have to come to my blog to read about it next Wednesday when I post it. :-)
ok please the first thing u should do is CROSS OUT that new person....then try to go through someone she is close like her parent,pastor NOT a friend or better still just say it as it is.communication is the key and thats what u guys lack abeg cross out that "new" person that is vibrant and bla bla bla that's only going to make things more complicated and would somehow cloud with your judgement/thinking about this issue.SAY IT AS IT IS.
ReplyDeleteoh and try to spend more time together,this new jet age of work work work is affecting things..my 2 cents shikena
First, before you got married, what was the dynamic like between the both of you?
ReplyDeleteSecond, do you let her do all the housework? You both work, so does she come back and she has to prepare for food and everything? If so, then she is probably stressed out and will not have the time to cater to you as she has kids, home, and her job to care about.
Third, have you sat down with her to discuss the issues you are having in the relationship? If so, what have you done to solve the issue? Have you suggested going out together and organizing the date for both of you, or are you waiting for her to do so on top of all the things she has to do (kids, home, and job). Also, have you thought of the possibility that you bore her as well?
Fourth, if you have done the option above, have you sought marriage counseling?
You see marriage is not easy. It takes two people INCLUDING you to make it work. It appears she has a lot on her plate and you are her MASTER instead of her PARTNER in this relationship. And because you are her MASTER, there is so much a servant can do to appease her MASTER. However, if you are a PARTNER and you share some of the responsibilities of parenting, housekeeping, then she has room to be with you. She has time to explore new things. Maybe you two should invest in a sex book and explore different sex position TOGETHER. Maybe you should make the effort to find someone who can take care of the kids for a weekend, and then take her out and bring out the woman you married before the kids.
Sometimes, MEN should make the effort. I think it is too easy to cheat. It is like taking an exam. People study months in advance to write an exam, they do not sleep, eat, or have fun, because they have to do well. But others prefer to cheat because it is easier and involves less time.
I wish you the best of luck. The woman you are now interested in, simply represents the qualities you THINK your wife lacks. So try to bring out those qualities in your wife. Have dinner dates, buy her lingerie, movie dates, talk to her, and try to understand where she is coming from as the mother of your children.
i don't think you should totally lose interest in your wife or give up on your marriage by looking for something else/a solution outside. before you guys got married weren't you in love? didn't you at least like anything about this woman? i think what you need to do is sit her down and talk things through. if she has lost her feelings and is just playing good wife it is probably because of something that happened in the past and thus she decided to just shut her feelings for you and go on with keeping the vows she made to you. i suggest you take a vacation both of you, go somewhere faraway and try to find out the root of your lack of intimacy. is she holding a grudge? coz i know women can hold grudges for a very long time. is she seeing someone? what is it you want from someone outside marriage that both of you cant give yourselves? Fast and pray together and ask God to restore intimacy and marital bliss to your marriage coz marriage isn't all about the children. if both parties aren't happy there is no way you will raise happy children. besides kids are so sensitive they probably have noticed the lack of affection between their parents and this can affect them too, now and in future. ask yourselves questions, do you support each other emotionally? do you encourage each other? (some couples compete without knowing it). some people can be selfish without knowing it and the other party will be hurt coz of this selfishness. how is your voice tone when you speak to her? what interests her? try and partake in activities that she finds pleasurable and also invite her to your own recreational activities. if you make an effort in bringing back sparkle in your marriage and back it up with prayers, then your marriage will be saved and you and your children's happiness secured because going out might not be the solution. yes temporarily you might get carried away by the excitement of meeting someone you connect with but trust me this will only last until the trials set in. besides this other lady might just be a desperate chick who is playing all sweet and nice just to get hooked. women are dangerous, you have one at home already, just try and deal with your issues. life is not a bed of roses and marriage is work, WORK IT OUT! after all what satisfaction will you derive if you are successful in all other aspects of your life and you fail in finding intimacy and passion in your marriage?
ReplyDeletemy 2 cents (lol)
all the best.
He does sound quite childish to me..he met a vibrant woman..it is always like that in the beginning, and then things normalize and the love is more stable...what he and his wife have is perfectly normal..u cant expect to hang on to chandeliers and perform cartwheels with three children..there is nothing wrong in spicing things up a little..and he can have an open an honest communication with his wife relaying his needs...all that glitters is not gold that other woman looks vibrant bcos he just met her,,,and his body is "shaking" for the strange woman..this is what happens in divorce and second marriages...the other hwoman, will soon become the other woman..when u marry her, and it goes downhill from there....
ReplyDeleteI can understand your frustration but marriage is a deal you made with God and you have yet to mention the things you have done to prevent this bong from breaking. It is very easy to be distracted in a marriage but this is something fixable. You ought to try talking to your wife, in a gentle way expressing to her how you feel. You then have to go together to talk to someone; pastor, priest, counselor and so on. I also suggest you take a vacation just the two of you and no kids, where you two should discuss again why you got married in the first place. Sometimes that rehearsal helps you embrace your love again; hopefully the reasons were not to have kids. She may also have her reasons for acting this way; she may even think it pleases you to put the kids first and talking to her at a trip alone maybe all that you need. Good Luck and if I were you I will stay away from the other lady until you sort all this out, you are very vulnerable and talking to another woman about your wife is a bad idea, and at this point it is easy to convince you that another woman is better than your wife, especially one who has no kids yet (so you r unable to tell if she will do the same).
ReplyDeleteDearie, i think you should woo your wife again and talk things over with her. Let her know that you want to share your life with her, the laughter, gists, fears...etc. Then try to carry her along in all you do. Play together...remind yourself again about what it was that attracted you to her before you agreed to get married. Know that she can still become your best friend...also find out her passion and encourage her to dream and work towards achieving it...God will help you..
ReplyDeleteShe bores you?!!!! How do you know you don't bore her too?! You met someone?!! There lies the problem, you have started to compare this so called vibrant girl with your wife who has the hardest job in the world,juggling family and work and probably doesnt have time to be 'vibrant'. My advise to you is that you better unmeet this girl, forget she exists. She is what she is, a passing fancy!Work on your marriage Bro as it's a two way thing. Are there things you do that you can do better to revive your relationship with your wife? Romantic vacations, dates, gifts,unplanned sex, the works. Start to look at her as the Girl you met years ago and yes, divorce shouldnt be an option. Do you know the truth? This vibrant girl you met, if you marry her tommorrow, in a couple of years, you start to see her exactly the same way you see your wife now!
ReplyDeletejust tell her. if you are lucky she probably feels the same about you. Or you can try spontaneous surprises. Holidays without the kids or something along that line. But whatever you do, DO NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR.
ReplyDeleteThe same way you have just said it is the way you should tell your wife. Be as honest as possible. Might not go well with her initially but i can assure you, with time, it would sink in and you BOTH need to go out of your way to make the marriage work. You cant just cross your legs and your marriage would just work out.
ReplyDeleteThats why is called "work" you need to really work at it. Im telling you from experience.
Theres no perfect or fairy tale marriage. Happens only in the movies
you and your wife need a vacation alone, a post honeymoon to remind you of your love. but before you do that, you need to talk to her, tell her you want more than a partnership, u need a companion. your spouse is supposed to be your best friend. I think you guys need to be more involved in each others lives and do things together more often. Equal focus on kids as well as yourselves. family time is great, so also is alone time, cos it will strengthen your marriage. At the end of the day, a stronger relationship between mum and dad will result in better kids. Remember that the way you feel about this person, was how you felt about your wife. Resist temptation and fight for marriage, the woman you once loved is still in there, fight for that part to be apparent again! I wish you all the best.
ReplyDeleteTo be honest, Marriage is hard and requires a lot of effort. It is like a child, you need to keep feeding and caring for the child for the child to be healthy and grow properly. I must say that i have a lot of respect for you for coming out and talking about this...Most men today will just go ahead, start an affair with the justification of "It is not my fault, she is boring". I believe that the fact that you care enough to ask for advice means that you still care for what you and your wife share or rather, once shared.
ReplyDeleteIn my opinion, it takes two to make a marriage work and when i say work, I mean for it to be fruitful. Sometimes, life keeps going and we have to make an extra effort to keep up. I think that you first need to have a sincere conversation with her. Sit her down and talk to her. Drop the kids with their grand parents or aunties or even uncles for the weekend and create sometime ALONE with her. Let her know that you appreciate all she does to keep the family together. Start off with all the great things she does that you appreciate and then slowly start suggesting what you think you BOTH can add to the relationship to make things better in a way that does not suggest that you're pointing blame. If you never tell her, she will never know.
I'm sure she wasn't that way when you first met and if you do not address this issue once and for all, who is to say that this new babe you just met won't be the same eventually? My two cents! Goodluck with it all!
my question is what was their relationship like when dey started n before they were married.....this lady he's seeing as vibrant n promising, might be a reminder of all dat his wife was b4...i'd strongly suggest him bringing up d issue and it wld be necessary for dem to retrace and find where ther began to let go of their personal relationship..... of course dis is d view of an unmarried lady so i cant say for sure wat lies beneath d surface of marriages, but i believe its important that both parties try to get on d same page, and i believe dat love doesn't just happen without u both making it happen......wish u all d best, n God's grace as u rediscover each other, hopefully.....xoxoxo!
ReplyDeleteJust talk to her, tell her how you feel. the reason why your marriage is the way it is...is because of the lack of communication. I strongly believe that although, love, sex and trust are important, communication is the blood of any relationship. So just talk to her, because you may be surprised to see that she feels the exact same way and has probably met someone who she is thinking of as well.
ReplyDeleteHow about instead of looking outside of your marriage you actually step up and TRY?!? So often marriages fail because people fail to communicate with your partner about their wants/needs and expect the partner to just know that something is amiss. So many people are not willing to put in the work. Marriage is not easy at all. Did you ever even stop to think that maybe sef it is you who are boring your wife and that is why she had decided to focus on the other things instead? You can't just sit idly by and wait for things to get better, you have to be proactive! Try spending a weekend alone with just you and your wife. Participate in a common interest. Above all, talk it out. Nothing is going to be gained if you just keep looking at her with discontent or worse looking at other women because you claim your wife is not enough for you.
ReplyDeleteAll the best to this guy and his family
The man dey look for excuse to cheat. I don't see where he has made ANY effort to talk to his wife about this issue. What he is talking about is not new at all, that's why you hear a lot of couples divorce after their kids are grown.
ReplyDeleteFrom what he is saying, i doubt he was friends with his wife before he married her. Probably one of all those people that decide it's time to marry and picks the next best thing that comes along then you find out you have nothing in common with his wife.
I think inside of putting his eyes outside like he is already doing, he should make an effort to reconnect with his wife, have date nights, go on vacation alone together, do things together, get to know each other again.
Before concluding his wife is boring, has he asked himself if he is boring to his wife too? He needs to put in more work cos so far, he hasn't done anything.
Hmmmm...
ReplyDeleteThis is a hard question.
Let me try, anyway.
I think it would be foolhardy of you to tell her. What you need to do is to look for an elderly person who is experienced in marriage issues that you respect and explain things to him or her. Then fix a time when the both of you can see him or her and thrash out the issue without hoding anything back and without any possibility of harbouring any bitterness after the meeting, so that the issue will be thrashed there finally.
If you want a connection with your spouse, start by communicating, you will have to create it, it will not just happen out of the blue.
ReplyDeleteGreat relationships are not made in heaven, they are created here on earth.
Be the man, take the lead, do something positive. OR what other options do you have in mind before getting in contact with Linda, DIVORCE, SEPARATING OR WHAT????????
best wishes.
My dear Sir, I commend you for wanting to change the situation. Now, you are going to put in some work to get your wife on the same page as you.
ReplyDeleteWhat attracted you to your wife in the beginning? Or was this a forced marriage? I bet not. Now, before you go to your wife telling her she is boring you (don't forget you might just be as boring), why don't you take a quick assessment of how your marriage started getting boring. What can you do to bring back some spark into the marriage (it does not fall squarely on your shoulders but you can spearhead this thing). Is your wife stressed with child-care and taking care of the home AND work? If she is, try to chip in every now and then. Do you have relatives close by, can you book a holiday for you and the wife ALONE, drop the kids off with their relatives for a weekend and you and the Mrs go somewhere for a little bit and just have some you time. Heck, you can spend sometime by yourselves in your house. Remember when you were toasting her and all the sweet stuff you did for her? Ok, why don't we pull one of those tricks out and shower her with some of that sweetness. Most women reciprocate showered affection.
SOME times when a man complains about his wife being boring, its because he has stopped being romantic and she has checked out mentally. Once again, not putting this all on you but we are speaking from your side of the story. Try this for one week. If you don't already, bring her some flowers, or an inexpensive gift. Send her a text message at work that she is on your mind. When you get home, help her with something in the kitchen or around the house. Compliment her on something she is wearing....all in all just do something nice. When you have gotten her in a good mood, sit her down and gently talk to her about the fact that you want the both of you to get your marriage back to its lively place. I bet you she is thinking the same thing. The minute you say honey "You are boring me" You put her in the defensive and nothing good can come out of that. Would you be pleased if she straight up told you "Babe, you are a bore to be with"....that would hurt now wouldn't it.
Now as for this person you have met, do away with her right away. No good is going to come out of the relationship. You know why she seems like she is a breathe of fresh air? She doesn't have to be in your face 24/7, she is not catering to your kids, she is just a new face and sometimes new is exciting. It is not always good but we are human and we are attracted to the new and shiny. You probably felt this way about your wife when you first started dating. So seriously, new girl is nothing new...encouraging this relationship will wreck your marriage faster than you know and then new girl becomes the person that helped you wreck your marriage and then she becomes boring. Try and solve the issue at home first.
I am not saying it is all on you BUT because you have done the honorable thing by wanting to fix your boring marriage, the charge is on you to get the ball rolling. Now get to putting some spark back into that marriage, my prayers are with you and your wife. Y'all are too young to be experiencing such.
i think you and your wife should try and work it out and find some time to enjoy yourselves...i'm sure u guys were fun to each at a certain point cus u wouldnt have married her in the first place if she was boring...i dont understand that work and the children can come inbetween the thrill of your relationship but u guys should find time about the relationship...and the other woman that u are finding attractive...dont even think about having sex with her..and try not to spend so much time with her before you start having feelings for her...u dont want anything to ruin your marriage and your family..aite...peace..tk care...hope this advice helps and i'm a guy btw...so..yeah
ReplyDeleteYou are the typical Male!!!!....Trust me after a while the new girl will start to bore you too!...let me tell you something that is the world of marriage..it's about commitment before God...Why don't you try to revitalize it by planning stuff together...Did it ever occur to you that you might bore your wife to death too? It's a two way street, you both have to make commitment towards making your marriage work. Don't throw away years of relationship because you are "bored" that is just straight up shallow...Why don't you pursue God? get into a deeper relationship with him because it does not matter whether you choose to destroy your marriage or not that hole or "boredom" as you put it will still be there...because it was meant to be filled by God
ReplyDeleteThere are always two sides to every story.
ReplyDeleteYou say you and your wife dont go out except to functions- do u offer to take her out to dinner or somewhere fun?
She travels for summer hols with the kids- do u go out of your way to plan a trip wiith her to somewhere exotic,even if its for the weekend or one of those long public holidays, Niga is notorious for. Such holidays are a great chance to rekindle your love life.
Marriage is about two people working together, trust and openess. Have u discussed ur feelings with her? Given her any hints or tips on even your sex life?
This new person you say is funny and clever- what was it about your wife's personality that attracted you to her while you two were courting? Has it changed-perhaps yes obviously or perhaps there are no more opportunities for her to be the lovely and perhaps funny person she used to be. Maybe she feels bored as well.
Pls have an open discussion with her followed by hints or tips on how you would like to see things. Spend quality time together alone and with your kids. There is no reason for you to cheat on your wife. Every problem has a solution. And if you are a Christian pls pray about it for the sake of your kids. You have two at the moment, dont you want her to give u more?
Well i happen to know that honesty no matter how you sugar coat it, always leaves a bitter taste. The truth is you just have to tell it to her as gently as possible but never mince your words, it's a marriage reach with 2 kids we are talking about here!!! nothing hurts more than living with a stranger, there's just no upside to it. Tell her that your marriage is boring and you 2 have to work together to resuscitate it, not just for the kids but for both of you. You both have to work at getting it right. The first step in a healing process is recognizing there is a problem and you have done that and from here your job is practically of your own making. Just talk to her, pour out your heart to her and let her see that it pains you the state which your marriage is at.
ReplyDeleteLove is more than having butterflies in ur tommy...cold palms...heart beating....Love is commitment,endurance,patience,understanding....u ve a good wiv...dnt throw all u ve away becos of problems u can work out....hw well do u knw dis funny ,vibrant lady...Sir,i am a lady...some ladies can be so pretentious to get a man....d devil u knw is beter dan d aangel u dnt knw.Sit ur wiv down...pour out ur heart to her,,tell her ur worries,and fears......buy books on marriage 4 her. try to remember wat attracted u 2 her.....keep ur home...some men would die to have that virtous wiv of urs...if u want great sex...teach her....exciting home..be friendly wit her..
ReplyDeleteMy question to this person is: How was your relationship with your wife before you both got married? Was she this boring? Were you both strangers to each other? If you noticed all these, then why did you marry her? If the reversed was the case before marriage then something is wrong. If she was stunning, funny, fun-to-be-with, romantic, sexy.....etc before you married her, then you both need to sit down and talk about the change in your marriage. To me, it's not every issue that married couple need to contact a third party, talk about it within yourselves first.....my opinion
ReplyDeleteYes o, i am very female but with a disclaimer - i am currently separated from my husband and heading for a divorce. I say this to make the point that all the good intentions for your marriage
ReplyDeletewill not help if 1 person (either wife or husband)is unwilling to change but wants the other person to change. We all know it takes 2 to tango.
I feel your pain Bro, but err, you probably bore her too! Did you think of that possibility? It sounds to me like you have a good woman as your wife and all the ingredients you need to make a wonderful, fulfilling marriage/life.
I like your honesty sha......i just knew there was another woman going to emerge in the picture. It NEVER pays to compare your wife to someone else. Trust me, if that someone else becomes your wife you would probably have the same problems......because most of the time, YOU (as the guy in the long-term relationship) set the tone of romance/emotional connection. Afterall, was your wife not "vibrant, funny, intelligent, stunning, so so intelligent" before she became your wife?
Nigerian women have A LOT on their plates and sometimes something has to give. In the case of your wife who is the perfect mother, with a perfect home, great job and wonderful family/friend relationships, what has taken the back-burner is you. But i'm guessing the poor gal has no clue that you feel this way cos she is doing and achieving her best in so many other areas!
There is no way around telling her than to actually tell her......but not in an accusatory, what-have-you-done-for-me-lately kind of way.
When was the last time you came back from one of your international trips and still cooked dinner before she got home? When was the last time you gave her a back rub she didn't ask for? When was the last time you booked/arranged a weekend away from the kids/house/friends for just the two of you? Do something REALLY nice for her (or to her during sex) and then tell her how much you love her, how great she is with the kids, yada-yada like you told us here. Remind her of how you met, why you married her and then NICELY tell her that you are a little bored with the way things are. Do not tell her you are bored WITH her.
The sex will NEVER be fantabulous if you are not emotinally connected. That is marriage 101.
She seems like a bit of a perfectionist (which can be a very good thing if not taken overboard)so i believe once she knows how you feel she'll probably do everything in her power to repair the relationship. And of course, you'll be doing the same right?
You guys need to regularly take time away from it all. Agree on a date night as feasible. You still need to "toast" your wife big time even though she is "yours". YOU make the arrangements for childcare on such days. Ask her what you can do to lighten her burden in the evenings so she can have the time for a good conversation.
This seems to be a classic case of growing apart in marriage. You both seem like nice people who have let the ups and downs of everyday life slowly grow you apart from each other. It takes effort to make a fulfilling marriage.
That's my 3 cents....hope it helps.
i am writing this on the assumption that you were not FORCED to marry ypur wife. You dont know your wife. Get to know this woman who keeps your home intact, caters for you and the children. Thats all i can say, get to know her. Take her on dates and fall in love with her
ReplyDeleteI love the advice given by everyone here- the common opinion is this 'You may be boring your wife as well.Do something about it'.
ReplyDeleteThe girl u kinda like, 20% babe from the outside, seems
ReplyDeleteinteresting because she doesn't have young children,a home,in-laws and a husband! If she did,you probably wouldn't say the same things about her! Your wife seems like a good woman,from what u have said any her....your 80%,Bear in mind 80! it takes two to tango! Your wife might feel u too,nt d fun guy she married..u dig?
You obviously love her. Most times, folks sinks into routines which sucks d romance away,u know? Kids,school time, bed time,fixing dinner,buying stuff for the house, etc! Can really take time away from couples to be intimate! I think you shouldn't tell her anything...serious
I suggest,remember why you fell in love & decided to marry her. u knw what she likes, so start chasing again! Call her at work, tell her hw muc u apperciate her. send her txts,then ask her out for a date, and go out with her,without the kids! Find sme1 to take care of them or better yet, ship them off to their grandparents for the weekend,send the house helps till monday morn,switch off ur phone..u knw! Empty the house and make love to ur wife. Talk, play, laugh,dance, enjoy each other! Try to do this,at least, pata pata once a month! Don't allow the devil to come into ur home,pray with ur wife o!. 8yrs doesn't seem like a long time to be with someone but it actually is! And u'll grow diffirently! Most people work to keep their relationships, it's nothing new! Finding time for each other is just half of the work! If u try, u'll definatly find the girl u met and married 8yrs ago in the woman she is today! Love both of them, the girl and woman for before God and loved ones u vowed for better and for worse! Beside I'm sure Y'all got married when you weren't worth shit! Now that's love! Wish u the best!
H!
wow! actually read every respojse and i'm very pround of everyone. nothing to add here;p
ReplyDeletesassycassie
@Lollie, it is not true, he does not love his wife. he is just looking for a good excuse to cheat without feeling guilty. What makes him think that in the next 8years he would not feel the same thing about this new girl he is with. That new girl is distracting him and that is why he is finding faults in his wife. He better stay away from the distraction and work on his marriage. Selfish man
ReplyDeleteRE-EVALUATE AND REKINDLE!!!
ReplyDeleteI can relate to how you feel being in marriage for almost 10 years myself.
Simply put, you need to spend time together. Plan a getaway fast, have a heart to heart talk and rekindle the love you once shared. Find a family member to look after the kids, get some days off work and travel somewhere, just the two of you. Watch X-rated films if you must, bring back life to your sex life, get some lubricants, vibrating condoms, vibrating rings, have fun with each other. Make her scream your name like she used to. She probably needs a good fuck just like you do.
It is very easy to get overwhelmed by life's pursuit and throw aside the little things that make our lives meaningful i.e love, laughter, family e.t.c- things money cannot buy.
Cut off ties with the new girl as she will bring in her steps nothing but heartache. You still love your wife and I bet she does too. You both need a break from everything.
Guy, act fast. Don't dull. LOL
My dude, it's the chase of a new catch that is bringing all these out! Finding an excuse to let go of a woman who is not a liability to you, good mother to your children and keeps a clean home? WHAT DO YOU WANT???? Because of few minutes of hot passion you are finding your wife boring? TALK TO ME! we UNDERSTAND ourselves because we are same specie! You berra keep your head on and your 'AGRO' between your legs INTACT so as not to regret any stupid move you might make in future! This mail to Linda is just to salvage your conscience saying I TRIED! WE KNOW BETTER!
ReplyDeleteA woman that is vibrant now, can be boring later because of the STRESS! A woman commenter just said, WOMEN CAN BE PRETENTIOUS! IF YOUR WIFEY WAS BORING DURING COURTSHIP, WOULD YOU HAD MARRIED HER IN THE FIRST PLACE? PLEASE BROTHER, STOP THIS SORRY OF AN EXCUSE AND WORK HARD AT YOUR MARRIAGE! GET IT?
Jesus is so willing to fix your marriage brother... Am not trying to sound discouraging or cliche, but looking for help outside Jesus would only help ruin your marriage to the extreme. I recommend you watch the movie titled "FIREPROOF"... Very powerful and practical. You cannot give love or affection when you dont have any..Neither can it be generated.. Jesus I pray for your son and ask that you just pour your love on him and restore his marrige to the fullest. Draw him closer to You and let him know his inheritance in You. I pray that you just love on his kids and show drown them in your fire of love...Amen...
ReplyDeleteConcur with :
ReplyDeleteanons 1:17pm,
1:29pm,
Madame Sting,
anons 3:19pm,
anons 3:36pm,
anons 3:48pm
and anons 5:39pm.
you guys hit the nail on the head without preamble!
It's the pussy outside that is beckoning to him!
wife boring, after how many years of slaving for the family?
you men can make a woman mad with anger for ingratitude!
you think she also don't want excitement?
when the woman 'outside' comes in, she would become like your wife, then you would divorce and marry several times over, having children scattered every where because you are looking for excitement!
where is the maturity that comes with age?
the wisdom that comes from experience and that of others?
what happens to sacrifice and commitment?
complaining all her attention is for the kids, who do you want to look after the kids? nannies? when a child is bad, is the mother's fault, but when good, it's the father's doing!
you better be grateful to God and stop being an ingrate!
Pamper her with care and love and see if she won't treat you like a king.
Men, everyone spoke so very well....there really isn't much more to add but i shall emphasize this:
ReplyDeleteCOMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION!!!! I am not married, but i am in a relationship and when we first met, we fought all the time over trivial things because of lack of communication. We almost broke it off, until we sat down one day and just talkeddddd....and hence forth communicated like our lives depended on it....even the smallest things. After that, things have been smoooooth sailing! Not perfect, but much more smoother! I urge u to talk things out and dont try to mince words at all. Also LISTEN AND ABSORB her own concerns bcos like someone said, who is to say that she doesn't feel the same way as u?
Secondly....my brother, if u know whats good for u, ur family and ur future, scrap that so-called "vibrant" woman o! Az in pls! When two people first start getting to know one another, they are usually represented by their "representatives"....in other words, at the beginning we always put our best feet forward...then later on, u get to see the whole package. So abeg, this other woman for all u know is perhaps putting on her "righteous" suit trying to snag a man! And how do u know she won't turn out the same if not worse than wifey later on.
Good people are hard to find these days....and from all indications, it seems like ur wife is a good woman so all these things u are complaining about is really secondary stuff that can easily be tweaked. Or would u rather have a vibrant, spontaneous...bla bla bla who may not even make a good mother, good (not freaky, fun) wife?? You seem to have what a lot of men are complaining they can't find, but are being blinded by such trivial things that you two can improve on.
Like someone else said here: HAPPY PARENTS RAISE HAPPY CHILDREN! Think hard about it. Don't go letting ur testosterone and selfishness make a grievous desicion that u are sure to regret. And i know that people are saying to go meet ur parents, pastor etc....but i say; Sought it out within ur selves alone!!!....Seriously, bringing in a third party at this point is not necessary. Also refer to the roles the Bible designes for u both.
Lastly, it wouldn't hurt just a bit for u to help her out with some chores...or atleast hire a domestic staff. If she is working, and also have to take care of mommy chores, house chores, wife chores etc....she is bound to be worn out. So lift some of those burdens from her and have more time to enjoy urselves.
I pray you find peace and resolution to this!
Nma
i wonder what the response would have been like if he had not mentioned the "other woman".
ReplyDeleteeveryone is so quick to castigate this guy but there are a lot of issues at stake here. how was their relationship in the beginning?
also no matter how much effort one party puts into a relationship, if the other person is not willing or responsive, no result will come out.
there are so many woman in nigeria that didnt even love their husbands when they married him. they just wanted a place to be, to have kids etc. and so there was no connection between them in the first place.
Women tend to become engrossed with children and running the home that they lose sight of their role as a companion to their men. Having said this, have you ever taken time to think that you may not have been supportive to your wife?
ReplyDeleteMoving to another woman is not the solution I promise. Whatever it is you like about this new woman will fade with time, then will you move on to another woman? The grass always looks green on the other side, I know. Please stay in your marriage.
It is important that you consciously make time for each other – say five or ten minutes to ask each other what you have done that day. Do things together just two of you. Think about those things that made you fall in love with her in the first place? I believe that if you are willing you can work together to help each other get through this. Maybe get someone to help with the children and house chores.
People do not understand the emotional damage done to children from broken homes. I am almost forty years old but have not been able to recover from the scars from my parent’s divorce. I pray for you from my heart that God in His mercy will give you peace in Jesus name.
Wowww....I dont really like commenting but i must say Iam very impressed by anonymous may 22,12:23's comment.....God bless u>>>This is all that person need.
ReplyDeleteIT'S SIMPLE U R THE PROBLEM. GO TALK TO YOUR WIFE.
ReplyDeleteThe fact that you took your time to express your feelings to 1milllion people for advice is a commendable action.
ReplyDeletei read ur post and i saw my own household.my husband complains that i am distant,i don't talk with him,i don't laugh with him,and to quote him "we no longer have hearty discussions". All the complains he has,he created. i will tell you how...
i am one who likes to discuss issues,and when am done,i push it away.my husband is one who fights over issues and keeps malice for days after the fight. i am some who likes affection,i want to hold and be held. my husband is one who has no affection.his reason is,he did not grow up in such environment.i am one who likes to choose her words carefully even in a fight so as not to hurt the other's feeling.my husband is one who uses unprintable,degrading,devastating words in other to really hurt you.he thinks he makes more sense that way.
we,like you have been married 8yrs.now he has all these complaints of distance and all that trash.The worst part is,even when he discusses his concerns with me,he is screaming,threatening and insulting me!He says everything is my fault.i have tried to let him know that i am not a crazy person,but that he on the other hand has turned into a bossband instaed of a husband.
Truth be told,i am more tired than he is.and i am sure your wife is too.
my husbaqnd does not want to hear what i have to say concerning our relationship.he just wants me to bend and listen to all his rambling.i have told ceaselessly to listen to me,but it annoys him even more.
if all thes that i have said is what you do,then you,my dear friend are the architect of your wife's unhappiness. My husband always blames me for his "pain".and for my pains,it's my fault still. i have come to a point that if he want s to end it.i will quietly walk away.just for my happiness and peace of mind.
Everybody,have advised you to talk it over with your wife.i will urge to allow her do the talking.just push her to the level where she would open up and speak.Then listen. i promise you,if you listen to her,you will find yourself a loving woman.
it will work for you.i know,cos in my heart i pray my husband will let me release all the anger,pain,disgust i feel right now.
i have spoken too much. i have never contributed to a blog.but i felt the need to share with you.
save your home youngman.
All beautiful comments so far. I would like to say that this weekend we are coming in should be a new start for you. How about arranging an evening out with just you and your wife and keep the kids with their grand parents or other family members or a close friend.
ReplyDeleteThen look into the eyes of your wife and tell her how you feel by 1st saying i love you very much darling and kiss her after that hold her hand and tell her if this outing can be done perhaps once every week and take it from there my man i tell you you would not regret it but as i said do that outing this weekend unfailing and don't be in a hurry to come back!!!
You 2 are great don't loose her for any other silly thing out there because you would regret it I as a woman have spoken wish you all the best.
This guy wan go do outside! All this nice and dandy words he used in the letter is first to gain sympathy(not mine) from the gullibles and then justify his 'itch for the other bitch'. I opsted as Anon 9.34 on the subject 'He cheats, she cheats' on Linda's blog and I am posting again what I believe is true. Guy, its not your wife that's the problem, its the repressed wish-list you have for more interesting pussies that is worrying you. Go have a ball (pun intended too) and thereafter see if your marriage won't be better for it! I think the guy has what is known as 'THE SEVEN YEAR ITCH' , a psychological condition of a married man having just a GIVEN SEVEN YEAR TIMELINE to be faithful to his wife, after which he has to 'unleash his dragon', by his choice of course. Most women forget that they have to be whores in the bedroom after marriage when it comes to sex so as to keep the man's appetite at charged battery levels. The 'come do and go' attitude of many wives kills a man's spirit somewhere in the marriage and he just wants to FUCK...not make love to his wife. Modern marriages are at crossroads with modern sexual dictates creeping in as a pre-requisite for the lasting nuptials. My guy, I will advice you not to divorce your wife. You are at liberty to screw the interesting woman you have 'kolobi-ed' outside and satisfy your urges. Chill with the wife of your youth and make it work. Shikena!
ReplyDeleteevery marriage relationship goes thru its own ups and down and the beauty of this up and down is that you has the head of the home can either make your marriage work or destroy it.
ReplyDeleteAlmost all women make the mistake of putting their children first before their husband after child birth and this create a big distance between them and their hubby. Whats the way forward
- Connunicate with her. You can take her out for dinner just to make her understand the fact that you want your love for each other rekindled.
-Get involved in the lives of ur children, let them know that you care. Dont leave this responsibility to her alone
- The truth is there is a possibility that your wife too is tired of her marriage but been a woman she can be enduring you
- Since love is fading between you too, try friendship. Be her friend, her confidant,endeavor always to make her happy. With time love will build back
-NEVER EVER get a substitute for ur wife outside. the fact is she has nothing to offer. All the love and affection she shows you, can be gotten from ur wife if you play ur cards well
- when last did you hold ur wife's hand in prayer or ask for her prayer request?
- When last did you make her feel loved, aappreciated and cared for
-Everything boils down to mindset. get a grip of ur self and tell urself that extra marital affair is not an option
- If you are not careful ur relationship with this strange woman will turn to emotional infidelity. If possible stay clear from her
no one can be like a woman that you have lived with for almost 10yrs. pls make ur marriage work.
http://feminineangle.blogspot.com/
Anonymous May 23 @ 12:04am.
ReplyDeleteOro wa o; nkan mbe ni tooto ni aiye yi o! I don't think your husband and this guy are in the same shoes o (unless of course this guy left out the fact that he shouts at his wife, doesn't listen to her, everything is her fault etc, etc).
Please, do yourself a favor and google "emotional abuse". I am writing from 1st, 2nd and 3rd hand experience. Just google those 2 words and watch the scales fall from your eyes.
Anonymous @ 12:04.
ReplyDeleteAgain, this is for you cos you need more help than this guy sef. Notice how he has acknowledged his wife's good character and complimented her. I can bet my life that it has been a looong while since your husband sincerely paid you a compliment, without ulterior motives.
You are trying to take the easy and perhaps more deadly way out by getting attracted to someone else...
ReplyDeleteMarriage like a lot of commentators have stated is not easy and it takes two and also the presence of God to work it out.
Pray about it, forget you ever met anyone 'vibrant', think of that thing that made you marry your wife in the first place. Look at all she is putting into the marriage and appreciate it. Tell yourself you have a duty to make your marriage work.
Speak with her about your loneliness and ask if you have offended her in any way. If you have, go the extra mile to make it up to her.
Also, invest in making her look as alluring as you'd want. Take time out without the kids and do anything you know she'd like.
I could go on and on but a lot of people have said it all. Just be determined to fix your relationship with your wife and get straight to it.... all the best as you do that.
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ReplyDeleteTHE FIRST I WILL SUGGEST IS LOVE FEVER
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Anon No 1 @ 12:23 pm hit the nail on the head. Leave the funny, stunning intelligent girl, she'll always be your 20 while your wife is your 80. Asking for advise means you want help; reach out for it through counselling, scriptures and intimate good time spent with your wife. Being a woman, i can tell you she feels the exact same way as you do but may not know how to tell you. All the best on saving your marriage.
ReplyDeleteThe grass always looks GREENER!!! Try working it out with ur wife...like everybody else says (couseling, prayer, prayer, prayer and more prayer, take a vacation, staycation together) COMMUNICATE AND Try to break the boring routine mold of your relationship. Just try...do note give up...If you still feel unhappy then...at least you tried... God Bless.
ReplyDeleteFirst thing first--- cross out that new person. 2nd thing is--Your problem is not your wife. 3rd thing is---You are creator of your problem. 4th---Your problem is fixable.
ReplyDeleteTake your wife out more often. If she is not initiating it; you need to do it. Don't be surprise if everything change for waaaaay better. Realize that just because she is paying attention to the kids doesn't necessary mean thats all she wants to do in the relationship. Abeg don't tell your wife she bores you. From all you wrote; it sounds like you haven't tried doing anything not boring with your wife. You sound scared to even initiate fun in your marriage.
Marriage means if your wife forgets to bring the fun; husband needs to charge and bring the fun. If husband forgets to bring the fun, wife needs to step up and bring the fun.
Right now, you, the husband are aware wife is not bringing the fun- husband step and bring the fun back into your marriage. Remind your wife that you are still there and wants her company too.
Mr Married and bored,
ReplyDeleteYou are not the problem, neither is your wife, unfortunately you are a victim of the disease/syndrome called "Midlife crisis". You got married at 29,a quarter part of one's life where self discovery and identification takes place. You were no longer a teenager, but yet not as old to bear responsibilities of what life could throw at you. Still you carried ur responsibilities like a man, losing every sense of self. Possibly at that point, you still had so much to look forward to;having babies, making money,and being successful.Life was full and colorful, and there was so much in store. Now you are possibly at that point that you have excess change in your pocket, healthy kids, predictable life,that you are faced with the questions "what next?", "is this it?". You are at that point which you aspired to be and looked forward to. Uhn uhn it's midlife crisis and all that self discovery that had to take the back burner cos of the new role u acquired at that time is beginning to tell on u.
Now to the solution, "SELF DISCOVERY" look into the mirror for starters. Now this is not a guilt trip, I'm not asking for you to curse yourself out cos u r human, i'm asking for you to ask urself " who is this man that i see in the mirror?", "what makes me happy? can i find these things within myself?" .
Boredom is a disease, a strong one at that, it can make a 90yr old man dance naked in front of the mirror, so don't undermine it, instead fight it. How? begin to look at simpler things in life, take a personal vacation to Olumo rock, nothing fancy, but bro make sure u come back alive oo...no let dem use u do ritual at those remote areas. By the time u get back you will b refreshed. Cos the trip wud b a personal one, with nothing to worry abt, no work, nothing. It will be like you left life behind and u went into a world of self. After sometime it will wear out and u will get bored again, no problem, take a part time job and leave ur "sophisticated corporate job" behind, work as a teller in one of those 9ja banks and soak in abuses from ppl from all walks of life, watch how that meat seller curses u out for being slow. Screwing someone else or having an affair will be a temporary solution and trust me for the mess it leaves behind it's so not worth it. Moral of the story, "Learn yourself"
Mr Married and bored,
ReplyDeleteYou are not the problem, neither is your wife, unfortunately you are a victim of the disease/syndrome called "Midlife crisis". You got married at 29,a quarter part of one's life where self discovery and identification takes place. You were no longer a teenager, but yet not as old to bear responsibilities of what life could throw at you. Still you carried ur responsibilities like a man, losing every sense of self. Possibly at that point, you still had so much to look forward to;having babies, making money,and being successful.Life was full and colorful, and there was so much in store. Now you are possibly at that point that you have excess change in your pocket, healthy kids, predictable life,that you are faced with the questions "what next?", "is this it?". You are at that point which you aspired to be and looked forward to. Uhn uhn it's midlife crisis and all that self discovery that had to take the back burner cos of the new role u acquired at that time is beginning to tell on u.
Now to the solution, "SELF DISCOVERY" look into the mirror for starters. Now this is not a guilt trip, I'm not asking for you to curse yourself out cos u r human, i'm asking for you to ask urself " who is this man that i see in the mirror?", "what makes me happy? can i find these things within myself?" .
Boredom is a disease, a strong one at that, it can make a 90yr old man dance naked in front of the mirror, so don't undermine it, instead fight it. How? begin to look at simpler things in life, take a personal vacation to Olumo rock, nothing fancy, but bro make sure u come back alive oo...no let dem use u do ritual at those remote areas. By the time u get back you will b refreshed. Cos the trip wud b a personal one, with nothing to worry abt, no work, nothing. It will be like you left life behind and u went into a world of self. After sometime it will wear out and u will get bored again, no problem, take a part time job and leave ur "sophisticated corporate job" behind, work as a teller in one of those 9ja banks and soak in abuses from ppl from all walks of life, watch how that meat seller curses u out for being slow. Screwing someone else or having an affair will be a temporary solution and trust me for the mess it leaves behind it's so not worth it. Moral of the story, "Learn yourself"