Holly Madison opens up about having suicidal thoughts at Playboy mansion

Holly Madison who was Hugh Hefner's number 1 girlfriend along with Bridget and Kendra Wilkinson reveals in her new tell-all, 'Down the Rabbit Hole': Curious Adventures and Cautionary Tales of a Former Playboy Bunny that she was so miserable when she lived in the mansion that she attempted suicide.

In the book, out June 23, Holly explains that dating the Playboy mogul, "a man who was old enough to be my grandfather," drove her to despair.

Facing homelessness in Los Angeles, the aspiring actress and model turned to Hugh Hefner and the Playboy Mansion for sanctuary, she reveals.

It was 2000 when Madison, now 35, first met Playboy magnate Hefner, now 89, at a mansion party and soon befriended his girlfriends.

Despite having been told that only Tina Jordan, Hefner's then-No. 1 girlfriend, slept with him, Madison soon discovered what actually happened behind the doors of Hefner's bedroom.

Madison recounts how Jordan first ushered her into a bathroom, where all the girlfriends sat with their feet dangling in a black marble bathtub. She was then led into the bedroom and given pink flannel pajamas to wear – along with the rest of the girls.

The girlfriends, Madison says, all hated the bedroom routine "and tried to get it over with as quickly as possible."

Madison was told to "fake" everything.

"When I think about it now, it's almost comical. Every red-blooded American male has no doubt fantasized about what went on in Hugh Hefner's bedroom with his harem of blond bombshells. The answer? Not a whole lot," Madison says.

As one of a slew of girls who would get intimate with Hefner during any given evening, Madison writes, "My turn was over just as quickly as it had started." There was zero intimacy and no kissing.

She recalls lying in the bath at the Playboy mansion in 2002 contemplating drowning herself. "If I just put my head under water and take a deep breath in, it would all be over," she writes. "I wondered, would anyone even miss me?"

"Maybe it was the pot and the alcohol, but drowning myself seemed like the logical way to escape the ridiculous life I was leading."

For anyone who tuned into the reality show.. The Girls Next Door, it seemed like Hugh's seven gals had a lavishly fun life, but according to Holly they were all actually "vacant," and just "going through the motions."

"Everyone thinks that the infamous metal gate was meant to keep people out. But I grew to feel it was meant to lock me in."

Holly said that Hugh, now 89, cultivated a hostile environment in which the women were pitted against each other.

When Holly ultimately decided to leave, she says in her book that Playboy Enterprises tried to bribe her to stay by offering to put her in Hef's will.

"The will stated that $3,000,000 would be bestowed to Holly Madison at the time of his death (provided I still lived in the Mansion). At the time, it was more money than I'd ever know what to do with … But I didn't want it. I actually pitied him for stooping to that level," she said.

Holly is now happily married with a 2-year-old daughter, Rainbow, who she hopes will someday read her book.

"I want her to understand why I made the choices I made," Madison told Us weekly. "And hopefully learn from them and not make stupid mistakes herself."

Source US weekly