Lauretta Onochie Deserves Pity, Suffers from Senility- FFK

This is a statement by Jude Ndukwe, Media Adviser to Chief Femi Fani-Kayode. Read the full statement below:
"We have seen a story making the rounds in the media quoting the aged Personal Assistant to Muhammadu Buhari, Lauretta Onochie, as saying some uncomplimentary things about Chief Femi Fani-Kayode, using her twitter handle".

While we do not intend to respond to her so as not to drag ourselves to her level as we have detailed the personal assistant to the special assistant to the special adviser to Chief Femi Fani-Kayode to respond to her, we however find it curious that Lauretta is yet to heed our advice from the last time urging her to go for a facelift and regularly bathe with lime so as to have a semblance of a human being and reduce the hugely offensive odour that oozes from her fast deteriorating body as a result of uncontrollable and insatiable desire to always get hopelessly inebriated. 

At nearly 70 years of age, working as a PA to a 74-year old Buhari whose real age is believed to be in the mid-eighties, and reportedly married for the 5th time, Onochie, no doubt deserves our pity. We are now convinced why Buhari’s government is described as “ancestocracy” which is a government of the senile, “corpsocracy”, rulership of the living by the dead, and “pictocracy”, which is a system of government where government officials are buried in the perpetual peddling of falsehood through the use of fake and recycled pictures just to immorally and corruptly perpetuate themselves in power at the expense of the common good. It is only a thief that thinks every other person is a thief. If not that Onochie’s paymasters are engaged in the unholy act of buying up media houses to promote their falsehood and cover up their corruption as is the case in Buhari’s sickness, Onochie would not think that media houses are giving FFK space in their outfits for pecuniary gains. We know where the latest fear of the presidency against FFK is coming from. We know why they want to embark on a puerile campaign to shut him out of the media. They have made several attempts to shut out his columns in many media houses, and that is because Onochie’s bosses fear the truth. 

They cannot stand FFK’s razor sharp truth against their ineffectual snail they call president with their ineffective lies. The news making the rounds that FFK is under immense and intense pressure to contest the chairmanship of the PDP gives the Onochies of this world sleepless nights. 

They are wondering what would be their fate if a man that has no platform other than being a member of the leading opposition party could get them scampering for cover when he sneezes, what would be their fate if he eventually becomes the chairman of PDP? While we sympathise with Onochie for driving herself too hard to satisfy her corpsocrat-bosses, we also urge her to take it easy when she is taken by any of the ancestocrats to “the other room” to provide service as usual since age is no longer on her side. 

We believe very strongly that the negative effects of regular services provided by Lauretta to the corpsocrats in the other room, at her age, is wearing out her brain thereby leading to early signs of senility. Nobody services corpses at her age and remains the same. Let us also remind Lauretta that Nigerians are waiting eagerly to have her and her bosses in prison as soon as 2019 comes. 

They must account for the monies they allegedly stole from the IDPs, the poorest of the poor, through Babachir Lawal, and still went ahead to bomb them to death in Rann in their state of hopelessness and helplessness. They must account for the over 280 vessels laden with crude oil that have reportedly disappeared into thin air from our ports under this rudderless, brutish and satanic government. In the end, it is obvious that it is Onochie and her bosses that would end up in prison for their numerous sleazes. It is only a matter of time.