Dear LIB reader: My son is awfully mean to his brother
From a LIB reader
I have an 11 year old son who is awfully mean to his 8 year old brother. He never sees anything good in his younger brother, and is always either screaming at him or hitting him. His behaviour is so irrational that I'm scared of leaving them alone because of fear of what my 11 year old might do to the 8 year old when no one is there to stop him. Yes I am that scared!
He's nice to other people but always mean to his brother. Are there other mothers out there experiencing same? Is it normal for a young boy to detest his own brother? What could be the cause and what can I do as a mother?
Are u mad? Doing things together so he will finally kill his brother! Monitor what the child sees/watches on TV, does in class, believe it or not its a pattern.
i think it has to do with insecurities. have you or your husband been showing much love to the brother and neglecting him? do you give him attention same way you do to the brother?sometimes when a kid feels like his/her sibling is given much attention more than him/her they tend to become hateful and violent towards the other.
†ђξ elder broda might n kwn wat it is 2 hav a younger n hw 2 treat dem,so as a moda sit him n talk 2 him,let him undastand wat n hw 2treat yr ones well
I have two sons exactly the same ages as yours and even though they disagree occasionally, (boys will be boys)it's nothing worrisome.
I fear that you may be paying too much attention to your younger son which has caused his brother to be jealous, pushing him to hit his brother. You must constantly talk to both of them about looking out for each other and find fun things they can do together, say positive things to them when they do well and reward excellence. Teach them to share and mind how you communicate with your domestic staff. Kids are sponges. They soak up more than you'll ever imagine.
@inemesit: "Teach him about LOVE" sounds more reasonable don't you think? One doesn't need to be a Christian to love. Mahatma Gandhi taught about love all his life, but he isn't a Christian
How on earth is this a stupid answer, teaching a child about God means teaching every thing God stands for which love is one of them,in sunday schools, they teach kids about morals and behaviors and what have you, the boy is likely to learn that his behaviour towards his brother is wrong,so her advice is way on order.
Wow, so touching n yea, am a mum, so i can imagine hw u feel. it is really scary. to solve a problem, you need to kno d cause first of all. When did you first notice that behaviour? What do you think could hav caused it? does the older brother feel his younger bro is better than him, or does he think 'everybody' loves his younger brother more than him? Why would he think that? He's old enough now to hav a real heart to heart conversation wt. Call him aside one day, 'talk' to your son, make him tell you what is on his mind, why he may be acting that way towards his brother. If na for jand now, professional therapists, counselling wld hav cum to ur rescue. Its really dangerous having your sons in that kind of relationship so you hav to do whatever you can to stop it now. Its nt going to be easy, but you have to do smtng abt it ASAP!
Prayer helps a lot too. But plz, dnt just sit n fold ur hands and wish the problem goes away on its own.
That's how it is sometimes oh, some siblings just hate eachother, it happens, latter in life, theyl become friends. Maybe the 11 yr old I'd jealous of the fact that d other is younger. I'll jst advice u to pray hard, prayer is the key, theyl over grow this phase.
Kai sibling rivalry,maybe u ddint encourage bonding earlier on even right from when u were pregnant with the 2nd one.try and encourage more playing,take them out to the movies together ,make him explain to the younger one if he doesn't understand anything in d movie,make them swim together,play games together etc.make dem buy presents for each other etc.its a difficult situation sha.u may need to see a child psychottherapist
Infact,I faced the same problem with my elder sis while growing up,its pure sibling rivalry!and its so common with first kids,they feel someone has taken their space with the parents,and if that siblings turns out even better in other ways dat is,more intelligent,hardworking,well-behaved and all that can make the parents happy,the parents will tend to praise and like that sibling (unconsciously)more than this first child..dat makes him hate d younger one with a passion! If this looks like ur children's story ma'am den u first have start showing ur older son more love and try not to act like u prefer the oda one openly!u also discipline him well wenever he hurts the younger one! You have to do something about it cos it becomes worse if he grows with it!
It normal, he is being lackadaisical due to some level of imaturity in him. As time goes up he will change, the best thing is to seperate them for now.
Pls don't seperate them else they'll grow so far apart that bring them togethjer again may be impossible. I have same issue with my boys (8 and 6) but I make them do things together and do lots of talking to them especially the older one, d rivalry is actually reduced now but still praying to God to make them best of friends.
Pls go on your kneel and talk to God about it. Counsel him with the woord of God especially one of the ten commandments that says'love your neigbor as youeself'. Now I understand why someone prayed a prayer for my two children that'ki Olorun sewon ni ore ara won'meaning that may GOd make my two children friends,you too can start praying same. It is well.
Sweetie as toddlers sibling rivalry could be cute and harmless but an 11 year old should know better. You need to have a heart to heart with him and find out the root of his aggression. Do you play favorites? Does your 8 year old get all the attention? Ask yourself some hard question and have a sit down with the boys. Nip it in the proverbial bud as quickly as you can honey.
I am one who lived this (8yr old) kid's life. WOMAN, take tht ur 11 yr old to a therapist or get some kind of help.
I will tell you how my life is right now due to the way my older sister treated me when i was young.
I DO NOT TRUST ANYONE (people may say this is good but trust me, its bad too), i do not take anyone seriously. My first reaction is to ALWAYS BE DEFENSIVE, i grew up fighting her to leave me alone that i always feel the need to fight people off. I find it hard being submissive, it will trigger what i went through wit my sister when i was a kid.
This ish has a lot of psycological effect in later life for that child. I AM A WOMAN, HE IS A MAN- He will always be defensive to EVEN WOMEN and thats bad. HELP YOUR 8 YR OLD. Your 11 yr old (just like my sister) will grow up fine with no mental bruises but what about the 8 yr old?
wenever u see him very hpy. call him play with him 4 a while den call him sudenly and ask him y he hate his broda in such way so dt u can talk 2 his broda on his behalf.
sit your older son, ask what his brother did to him, and made him understand he is human as him and must be loved, respected, cared for.... Don't scream, shout or interrupt him while discussing this. Talk to a psychologist if need be and please do not show preference for either of them. Libers comments srart rolling
Could recall I was always at loggerheads with ma younger brother,relationship between us was quite hostile,we always fought each other,and the blame game was our thing. But dat notwithstanding,outside our home,I can kill for him. Two things changed our relationship for d beta. I was enrolled in a boarding school. He grew bigger than me,so fighting him was nolonger safe. And finally,maturity. Enrolling me in a boarding school was d best thing dat happened,coz I missed him so much out there,and so I longed for his company. And whenever am bullied in school,I always wish I had ma brother with me.
I think he would outgrow it. Just give him a lil' time. But until then, sit him down & give him a very passionate lecture on love, especially filial love. He must listen. Afteral he's your son, you're the boss amongst your sons ma'am, you ought to Use that fact! If he doesn't change after this, then you should take him to a liscenced psycologist/counsellor for further actions. Goodluck
First u shld try talking to him as much as u can to find out wat his problem really is n if dat does not work.....my dear plss take him to church for prayers.
My honest comment, 'mumsie' if I may ask, are u really sure dat dis 2 boys are 4rm d same father?(Ie if u are truely married oh). Let's take 4 eg dat u used d pregnancy of d 11yr old to trap d man in2 marriage(meanwhile no be hem get am), and somehow, ur hubby don come sabi now, and go don dey even tell d 11yr old say hem no be hem pikin,and this now makes d older boy see d other as a rival(since d 8yr old is d true ist son) U know say na only u fit tell us d truth.(Abi na lie?) Na OBBY dey talk oh.
I remember when we were little, i used to fight with my senior sis a lot, i remember when she poured little hot water on my arm and it burnt me, the sound of the slap my mother gave her was deafening, whenever fought again lmaoo
could be sibling rivalry or just natural wickedness and hatred, and yes it's strange but it does happen. i know of a family like that 2 daughters, same 3 year age gap and both teenagers. from childhood one was made to feel beautiful and the other was neglected. just show equal love to both kids, but then again some people are just inherently wicked from birth, so try to protect the aggressive one from the other son.
I'm a father 0! It's very natural for the older to seemingly hate his younger brother at that age. If an outsider beats the same boy in his presence, he would wholeheartedly come to his aid. However, tell him about the danger of anger against one's younger brother. I have two sons like that. His hatred of the younger brother is only on the surface.
Madam, your bigger son is probably jealous cos he fells unloved.he used to be the center of your world but suddenly someone took his place. you are probably harsh on him hence he feels you hate him because of his kid bro? stop. do you always side d junior? start pampering him. call him sweet names. be polite & kind to him. hug, kiss him. make him feel special & he's will mellow on his bro. pray together. dont be partial in ur judgement.good luck.
it might be psychological problem....or genetic.....he may just want to feel like he's in charge..kinda bossy... Or maybe he's been exposed to violence between 'u parents' at home... Also keep an eye on his association...kids re easily influenced.. Goodluck
Could be that he feels you favour the younger one over him. Show him that you love him and more especially engage them both in activities where they get to do things together.
Send them to d Village to go and stay with grandma. I bet you, by d time dey spend two weeks fetching firewoods, water together, the story will Change! Cheers!
Maybe you should think back and find out if you've done anything to cause one to detest the other. One major cause of such problem is preferential treatment. Or showering of praise on one than the other. Or acknowledging the good works of one than the other and so on. You might be the cause. Buh if u think its non of the factors above,study them and find out. Know the root cause of the problem first, then solve it.
Send d younger one to go and stay with any of ur relative for a while, i think by d time he turns around n will n see d brother, he'll even miss him n want him back n at d same tyme will stp maltreating him
My dear the age diff is 3. Probably u gave the second a lot of attention when he arrived andf you failed to draw his elder one close so he might have this hate in hhis heart that his kid brother steals the love love and care at home. If that is the case u need to love him more and pamper him to understand that you love him and his brother is his responsibility to love and care for. Also back it up with prayer that God would remove the seed of hate in his heart towads his brother. And wheNever he does smth wrong to his brother never correct him by hitting him or saying smth bad to him rather correct him with so much love.
well am not a mum bt d first child out of 6 children,my immediate yunger broda who s vry big nd strng i cnt evn controll hm had dat same isssue with d nxt boy dat was after him,he snrs dat child with 4yrs bt he was alwys on him dat most times i go crying to my mum in d nite dat sumfin needs to be done it was so bad dat d yunger one was scared of him,he cnt go to him,cant enter his room,d snr one was alwys beating him like mad mst times fr jst no good reason,bt having d kind of mum i had,well as human as she is most times she beats d boy fr beating his yonger broda while to oter children outside hes so loving to dem,wel i tink talking to the child had mre effect,making dem knw dat dey re brothers nd dat together dey stand divided dey fall,tlk to d shild till he feels sober bfre yu let him go,make him knw dat hs yunger brother s one of d closest tins he has n dis world,dey ve to grow up togeda nd be one...well tink t workd fr my broda cus as he grew older it gradualli stopd,nw t no longer hapens evn f d yunger one will keep living in dat fear,t will pass...nd continue to pray for demm.wsh yu all d best sweeet mum
Pls does any1 knw if its safe to buy cars frm idi iroko jst wonderin cos of some low prices offered for some so called "big time cars". could they be stolen? How does one guard against stolen vehicles? And why do some peeps offer low prices for these cars and in cases like this(is it due to the saturated nature of Nigeria's car market); and how does one guard against being ripped off? Awaiting response. Thanks.
Ma'am, your son is barely 11years old and you have issues raising him properly already? What happens when he turns 21? U better deal with it now he's still young & try not to show more affection to the 8yr old. Its nothing to worry about.
Pls dear nip it in d bud...he can grow up worse. My second broda is d black sheep of the family wen it comes to sibling care and affection right frm the onset...am perching wt him and seriously looking for a haus.I hope ur son doesn't turn into that. We did stuffs growing up and my parents tot us to love,care and watch out for each oda,bt ds guy is so way out of our league.I jst feel u nid Gods assistance and make sure u love them equally. Goodluck
I'm not yet a mum but i think you should engage them more in the children church and really talk to them more about "loving their neighbour as them selves. also try taking them out and buy gift. i think this may help.........
@OBBY, I can tell that you are one of those empty headed girls who live and breathe Africa Magic, and therefore find it difficult to reason like an educated human being... please try and better yourself.
@Bonnario, that was a very sweet thing to say about your bro, even though I'm sure he stood over your shoulder and MADE you write it ;-)
Its called sibling rivalry. Maybe you are unknowingly paying attention to the younger boy. Children are sensitive. You have to learn to balance things out. Also try to sit him down and explain to him why he needs to take care of his brother. You would be amazed at what is causing all these problems. Also spend more time with him too. Take him out. Just the two of you. Good luck
This was exactly myself and my sister, I was the older one by 3 years and untill this date I can't look her in the eye for all I did to her, let me tell you where my own came from, and I honestly didn't know it was wrong, but that does not mean I wasn't told to stop beating her n shouting bcoz they did, but I jus always felt in the right and had the right,bcoz I was older,what caused this is i remember when we were very young my anties telling me smack my sister when she wrong or if she did anythingn its ok, n as africans we can kind of instill this that older siblings have rights over the younger ones, n this is what causes so much terror between our kids n we don't realise it but if u think of all our childhoods there was always that one older sibling who terrified us, look this needs to stop. you tell your ur son I hit my children ALONE, if they r wrong no one else not u,u don't need to disipline each other that's not ur job, u r not the parent, bcoz I honestly felt like I was the one who had to deal with her, plz it pains untill this date I feel like I have ruined her childhood, even go to the extent of disiciplining him each every time he does, plz make sure u tell him he has no right to do so, and becareful he does not see you guys beat each other or ur house helps,
does your husband hit you or do you beat your kids in private and smile in public? i used to be extremely mean to my siblings and my mum felt the same fer but it was because i got bullied in school and felt powerless, so i'd come back home and try to exercise my authority. take him aside and ask him why, children are more astute than you think.
WSS, ok. Bt i didn't mention church dere,i said sunday skul. It may hv a different name in diff religions/denominations,bt anywhere luv is taught,dats where d child shd be sent to. N as 4 u anon 5:03pm,pls shut dat septic tank of urs up. Wen humans r toking,earthworms shd b drilling d soil 2 hide. She asked 4 a possible soln,nt an attack 2 oda's opinions. Brainless u!
Siblings Rivalry.....Madam, maybe the older sibling is feeling unloved. Sit him and counsel him with love. I believe with prayers and parental counselling, he will come to love his brother.
When did you notice this? If it has been going on for a while, you shouldn't have left it too long. And if it something that just happen recently, you need to do something about it asap because of his age. Rivalry is very common in sibling, but you nedd to let him realise that his brother is there to stay and he should look out more for his brother instead of beating him.Let them play together and if he did something wrong to his brother, make sure he says sorry before doing anything else, if not take some minute out of his lay time oe sweet money.
Same woman posting all her business. Ur son may have been molested, sexless and loveless marriage. Blah blah...please take care of Ur home matters and don't seek the advice of bloggers. U and ur husband need ur tubes tied. And stop killing ur husband by trying to please others. Most likely ur pursuing advancement in some aspect but all is in vain bcos home life is a mess! NIN
this might sound harsh, but my dear take him for deliverance, and you as a mother lay your hands on him and cast out that spirit of hatred. dont ignore this alot of stories we hear today abt killing siblings infact our fellow human beings started like this and it was ignored by parents. the world is turning into something else and at this point its only God who can intervain so my dear you gave birth to him so you can fight it. wish you the best.
What you have described sounds like sibling rivalry. You and your husband need to check and see how you treat both of them. It could be something as simple as the way you react when they both do the same thing. Some parents also have a favourite but the rule will be keep it to yourself and try as much as possible not to let it show. Try and ask him why he likes to beat or treat his brother the way he does. Try as much as possible to be calm and use a nice and not aggressive tone. If this does not work, you may want him to see a child psychologist, maybe he will be able to express himself through play or drawings for you to know exactly what is going on. There is definitely something going on inside of him that he is expressing by beating his brother. The earlier this is resolved the better. Also pray because there is nothing too difficult for God to do. Most importantly check the way you, your husband and the house help [if any] treat him.
My brother has two sons and the oldest one is a very spoilt child, who is forever mean to his younger brother. There is a space of 2 yrs bw them. Their mum and dad never seem to notice this maltreatment, except myself and the househelp! It is so bad that other children who visit notice this too!My nephews are 10 and 8 years old. The older one is kinda mean spirited in all things. He could be so direspectful towards adults and everyone else around the house. The curious thing is that this boy is always cowed in church, school, parties etc. But once at home, he sets to work on his little brother. He never seems to do anything wrong in the sight of his parents. His mum excuses every ill-mannered behaviour of this boy.My older sister and I have made it clear to the boy that he can not mess with us, and he gets the message clearly. lol.
@Ngozi d ode, look who is talking! So what contribitions ve u made afterall, Nwaanuofia follow-follow. Isi aki like u, I can guess u are very ugly apart 4rm being an olodo.
Mother better read the story here about the two Nigerians jailed for life, this is how it starts. I understand sibling rivalry, it happens to most of us.But if it gets to the point where you get scared to leave them both alone you need to separate them fast. Watch your 8 year old too he may have developed something
I jst rid comments n move,bt felt a need 2 drop a piece dis tym.d age gap btwn i n ma elder bro s dsame as dis 2.Growing up i tot my Brother hated me,coz he piked on errtin i did.slaped me @ any chance gotten n forced chores d@ wia ment 4 him on me.2day its entirely a diff story,Bet i am his favorite now n his More considerate,sumtimes i remind him of how mean he waz n he jst says am a fool 4 still aving such memories n we laff ova it.in dis case probably its jst doz childish traits of trying 2 exercize his plc as d older 1 n dass by brutalizing his bro n showing he's in charge.Show both equal love n scorn any1 @ fault anytym not minding dia age diff.Sure its jst a phase n twil pass defnatly...#NanchalZ#.
He is full of jealousy and hatred for his younger brother ever taken the love he once had ALL ALONE. So, check yourself, may be you are paying much attention to the younger one and he is now taking the retaliation on him. Show him love. Stop criticizing or comparing him in the presence of his brother. Give him attention, encourage him to show love and do not always punish him for any little offense and PRAY until you see change in Him. God will help you to accomplish this. Amen
Im sorry to say this,but i think you didnt do your work as a mother when you were supposed to.You probably neglected the elder one immediately the younger one came nd showered him all the love at the expense of the older.What your elder son lacks nd needs is plenty of love nd attention from you nd ur hubby,bt pls dont make d same mistake of neglecting d younger one either.Also make dem do things 2gether.Cant say every thing you need to do here,so pls try to get good books on parenting on sibling rivary or go for counselling sessions.
we r just 2 kids, my elder sis and i (a guy). and believe me when i say not a single day passes by without us fighting. we got to value an appreciate each oda when we wer both sent to different boarding schools. during the holidays we cherished each moment cuz school resumption wasnt far away. so i advised you do same.
separate them, send him(the older) to a boarding house then have the younger send him letters and sweets and candies asking how he is and how he misses him. have the older too send things to him. think out of the box. above all, pray earnestly to God. do you take thiese kids to church regualrly. get the 11 year old involved with church activities like instruments, teenage church etc even though he is 11. them make him responsible for his lil brother and talk to him everyday. stop giving too much attention to the younger, you just want to cause undue jealousy. then make sure you hold both of them on each side f you and always tell them to apologise.
when u re talking to the older, ask him how he feels about you and daddy and """"'the younger brother. tell him its off the record and nothing would be used against him. seek counsel in church. the bible says blessed is the one who taketh not counsel from the ungodly. dont mind an negative comments but you have to talk to your women leader or children coordinator. assess them before you talk to them, are they matured spiritually ti give you adequate advise . if not dont even bother, they might not have a clue and even make it obvious to your son that someone had reported him. that will make things worse.
it is not healthy at all, i remember growing up,at the age of 5,my elder brother who is just a year older than i am used hot iron on my five fingers up till now the marks are till there,we havent been close at all while growing up,he was either bullying me or beating me up,and up till now that we are adult,we do have mis-understanding yet we dont quarrel,but we are never close,we stay in the same town,yet we dont visit nor call neither are we quarrelling,so please try and stop it now that you have noticed it
Do you compare them ? Once I did not do well in pry 2 so my dad gave my younger sister my okin biscuit to add to her own okin biscuit and for over 23 years I was mean to her not directly just I did not cut her any slack (not consciously) and it took being a conscious adult to begin to forgive her, love her and let go.I love her so much now. I am now conscious about comparing kids of my own.
Sociopath? Psycho-analysis? Possessed? Many of you are jokers. I bet those of you making these comments do not have children. Bcos your comments are all 'textbook theories'.
Original poster, this sort of rivalry can be common amongst boys of that age (it just occurs in varying degrees). I have 2 boys as well, 12 and 7yrs old. They also fight often, but not to the point of me worrying about them being alone together. Talk to your older son and make him understand he is the 'bigger person' and doesnt always have to give-in to the little ones 'wahala' (mine complains his younger brother is always looking for his trouble unnecessarily). Make them understand that they are all you have and HAVE TO get along, because it makes you very unhappy when they dont. Your 11yr old will very likely outgrow it soon.
However, if it becomes unbearable for you, you may want to consider boarding school for your older son, to give them some time apart.
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I am not a mom but I think you should start getting them to do lots of things together so they can get more used to each other.
ReplyDeleteAre u mad? Doing things together so he will finally kill his brother! Monitor what the child sees/watches on TV, does in class, believe it or not its a pattern.
Deletei think it has to do with insecurities. have you or your husband been showing much love to the brother and neglecting him? do you give him attention same way you do to the brother?sometimes when a kid feels like his/her sibling is given much attention more than him/her they tend to become hateful and violent towards the other.
ReplyDeleteSo i feel,....and be prayerful pls.
DeleteWrite to super nanny! U need her intervention in your home
ReplyDeleteSuper nanny in Nigeria? I bet u will be the one paying
DeleteE wan be baby for eva? Born anoda one jor
ReplyDeletebring him to my temple so i will cast d demon out of him.He is possessed
ReplyDeletesibling rivalry. u may be giving too much attention to one and neglecting the other.
ReplyDelete†ђξ elder broda might n kwn wat it is 2 hav a younger n hw 2 treat dem,so as a moda sit him n talk 2 him,let him undastand wat n hw 2treat yr ones well
ReplyDeleteI have two sons exactly the same ages as yours and even though they disagree occasionally, (boys will be boys)it's nothing worrisome.
ReplyDeleteI fear that you may be paying too much attention to your younger son which has caused his brother to be jealous, pushing him to hit his brother. You must constantly talk to both of them about looking out for each other and find fun things they can do together, say positive things to them when they do well and reward excellence. Teach them to share and mind how you communicate with your domestic staff. Kids are sponges. They soak up more than you'll ever imagine.
Nice comment! #thumbsup!
Deleteits called jealousy,he wants everything to himself,thats why he is behaving that way
ReplyDeleteTalk 2 him as a mother. Teach him abt God n make sure he attends sunday schools. Above all,pray 4 him
ReplyDelete@inemesit: "Teach him about LOVE" sounds more reasonable don't you think? One doesn't need to be a Christian to love. Mahatma Gandhi taught about love all his life, but he isn't a Christian
DeleteStupid reply!
DeleteSunday school??? She clearly says he's fine with other people so she needs to deal with the two boys at home
Really stupid answer.....
DeleteHow on earth is this a stupid answer, teaching a child about God means teaching every thing God stands for which love is one of them,in sunday schools, they teach kids about morals and behaviors and what have you, the boy is likely to learn that his behaviour towards his brother is wrong,so her advice is way on order.
Deletei don't it's normal, you should have to pray about it before it turns into something else
ReplyDeleteWhen I was younger my sister was very mean to me and we fought everyday .as in Physically . However now that we r older we are the best of friends .
ReplyDeleteWow, so touching n yea, am a mum, so i can imagine hw u feel. it is really scary. to solve a problem, you need to kno d cause first of all. When did you first notice that behaviour? What do you think could hav caused it? does the older brother feel his younger bro is better than him, or does he think 'everybody' loves his younger brother more than him? Why would he think that? He's old enough now to hav a real heart to heart conversation wt. Call him aside one day, 'talk' to your son, make him tell you what is on his mind, why he may be acting that way towards his brother.
ReplyDeleteIf na for jand now, professional therapists, counselling wld hav cum to ur rescue.
Its really dangerous having your sons in that kind of relationship so you hav to do whatever you can to stop it now.
Its nt going to be easy, but you have to do smtng abt it ASAP!
Prayer helps a lot too. But plz, dnt just sit n fold ur hands and wish the problem goes away on its own.
Your son is a sociopath.
ReplyDeleteWhaaaaaaat????!!! Did u do the psychoanalysis?.....ng owerri
DeleteSebi it's a Sociopath dat'll know a Sociopath fool! mscheww
DeleteHow stupid can you be? Did you think you just provided a solution? Olodo like you.
DeleteThat's how it is sometimes oh, some siblings just hate eachother, it happens, latter in life, theyl become friends. Maybe the 11 yr old I'd jealous of the fact that d other is younger.
ReplyDeleteI'll jst advice u to pray hard, prayer is the key, theyl over grow this phase.
Kai sibling rivalry,maybe u ddint encourage bonding earlier on even right from when u were pregnant with the 2nd one.try and encourage more playing,take them out to the movies together ,make him explain to the younger one if he doesn't understand anything in d movie,make them swim together,play games together etc.make dem buy presents for each other etc.its a difficult situation sha.u may need to see a child psychottherapist
ReplyDeleteInfact,I faced the same problem with my elder sis while growing up,its pure sibling rivalry!and its so common with first kids,they feel someone has taken their space with the parents,and if that siblings turns out even better in other ways dat is,more intelligent,hardworking,well-behaved and all that can make the parents happy,the parents will tend to praise and like that sibling (unconsciously)more than this first child..dat makes him hate d younger one with a passion!
ReplyDeleteIf this looks like ur children's story ma'am den u first have start showing ur older son more love and try not to act like u prefer the oda one openly!u also discipline him well wenever he hurts the younger one!
You have to do something about it cos it becomes worse if he grows with it!
!
They will outgrow it
ReplyDeleteIt normal, he is being lackadaisical due to some level of imaturity in him
ReplyDeleteConfess...? Who is the father...lol
ReplyDeleteRivalry, that's what it's called. However prayer can change anything.
ReplyDeleteIt normal, he is being lackadaisical due to some level of imaturity in him. As time goes up he will change, the best thing is to seperate them for now.
ReplyDeletePls don't seperate them else they'll grow so far apart that bring them togethjer again may be impossible. I have same issue with my boys (8 and 6) but I make them do things together and do lots of talking to them especially the older one, d rivalry is actually reduced now but still praying to God to make them best of friends.
DeletePls go on your kneel and talk to God about it. Counsel him with the woord of God especially one of the ten commandments that says'love your neigbor as youeself'. Now I understand why someone prayed a prayer for my two children that'ki Olorun sewon ni ore ara won'meaning that may GOd make my two children friends,you too can start praying same. It is well.
ReplyDeleteSweetie as toddlers sibling rivalry could be cute and harmless but an 11 year old should know better. You need to have a heart to heart with him and find out the root of his aggression. Do you play favorites? Does your 8 year old get all the attention? Ask yourself some hard question and have a sit down with the boys.
ReplyDeleteNip it in the proverbial bud as quickly as you can honey.
I am one who lived this (8yr old) kid's life. WOMAN, take tht ur 11 yr old to a therapist or get some kind of help.
ReplyDeleteI will tell you how my life is right now due to the way my older sister treated me when i was young.
I DO NOT TRUST ANYONE (people may say this is good but trust me, its bad too), i do not take anyone seriously. My first reaction is to ALWAYS BE DEFENSIVE, i grew up fighting her to leave me alone that i always feel the need to fight people off. I find it hard being submissive, it will trigger what i went through wit my sister when i was a kid.
This ish has a lot of psycological effect in later life for that child. I AM A WOMAN, HE IS A MAN- He will always be defensive to EVEN WOMEN and thats bad. HELP YOUR 8 YR OLD. Your 11 yr old (just like my sister) will grow up fine with no mental bruises but what about the 8 yr old?
Help that child.
wenever u see him very hpy. call him play with him 4 a while den call him sudenly and ask him y he hate his broda in such way so dt u can talk 2 his broda on his behalf.
ReplyDeletesit your older son, ask what his brother did to him, and made him understand he is human as him and must be loved, respected, cared for.... Don't scream, shout or interrupt him while discussing this. Talk to a psychologist if need be and please do not show preference for either of them. Libers comments srart rolling
ReplyDeleteCould recall I was always at loggerheads with ma younger brother,relationship between us was quite hostile,we always fought each other,and the blame game was our thing. But dat notwithstanding,outside our home,I can kill for him. Two things changed our relationship for d beta.
ReplyDeleteI was enrolled in a boarding school.
He grew bigger than me,so fighting him was nolonger safe.
And finally,maturity.
Enrolling me in a boarding school was d best thing dat happened,coz I missed him so much out there,and so I longed for his company. And whenever am bullied in school,I always wish I had ma brother with me.
~BONARIO~says so via NOKIA3310
Lol at "fighting him was no longer safe". This guy u no well
DeleteAwwwh,Bonario. I totally luv this.
DeleteFrom 2day,I'll fight anyone that tries to attack u on this blog.
I don't think is mean since he shows love to others kids, he apparently sees his younger brother as competition, am just thinking aloud.
ReplyDeleteYou need to nip this on the bud before it becomes bad blood between the two.
cheers.
Obinna
I think he would outgrow it. Just give him a lil' time. But until then, sit him down & give him a very passionate lecture on love, especially filial love. He must listen. Afteral he's your son, you're the boss amongst your sons ma'am, you ought to Use that fact! If he doesn't change after this, then you should take him to a liscenced psycologist/counsellor for further actions. Goodluck
ReplyDeleteFirst u shld try talking to him as much as u can to find out wat his problem really is n if dat does not work.....my dear plss take him to church for prayers.
ReplyDeleteCheck if your younger son is ugly. ***child's play***
ReplyDeleteMy honest comment, 'mumsie' if I may ask, are u really sure dat dis 2 boys are 4rm d same father?(Ie if u are truely married oh). Let's take 4 eg dat u used d pregnancy of d 11yr old to trap d man in2 marriage(meanwhile no be hem get am), and somehow, ur hubby don come sabi now, and go don dey even tell d 11yr old say hem no be hem pikin,and this now makes d older boy see d other as a rival(since d 8yr old is d true ist son) U know say na only u fit tell us d truth.(Abi na lie?) Na OBBY dey talk oh.
ReplyDeleteOdeh komot 4 der! U aint making sense!
DeleteOBBY,u dey craze!
DeleteUr insanity is outstanding.
Deletejust TURN OFF THE TV..take control of what your kids ingest. Children are emulators. Its really that simple
ReplyDeleteIn d mean time,watch it and pray cos I've seen cases where one was hit at d wrong place and died
ReplyDeleteawwwwww smartest thing bonario has said in a loooong while
ReplyDeleteI remember when we were little, i used to fight with my senior sis a lot, i remember when she poured little hot water on my arm and it burnt me, the sound of the slap my mother gave her was deafening, whenever fought again lmaoo
ReplyDeletecould be sibling rivalry or just natural wickedness and hatred, and yes it's strange but it does happen. i know of a family like that 2 daughters, same 3 year age gap and both teenagers. from childhood one was made to feel beautiful and the other was neglected. just show equal love to both kids, but then again some people are just inherently wicked from birth, so try to protect the aggressive one from the other son.
ReplyDeleteI'm a father 0! It's very natural for the older to seemingly hate his younger brother at that age. If an outsider beats the same boy in his presence, he would wholeheartedly come to his aid. However, tell him about the danger of anger against one's younger brother. I have two sons like that. His hatred of the younger brother is only on the surface.
ReplyDeleteNice one Bonario... Worried Mum pls take a cue.
ReplyDeleteMadam, your bigger son is probably jealous cos he fells unloved.he used to be the center of your world but suddenly someone took his place. you are probably harsh on him hence he feels you hate him because of his kid bro? stop. do you always side d junior? start pampering him. call him sweet names. be polite & kind to him. hug, kiss him. make him feel special & he's will mellow on his bro. pray together. dont be partial in ur judgement.good luck.
ReplyDeleteit might be psychological problem....or genetic.....he may just want to feel like he's in charge..kinda bossy... Or maybe he's been exposed to violence between 'u parents' at home... Also keep an eye on his association...kids re easily influenced.. Goodluck
ReplyDeleteCould be that he feels you favour the younger one over him. Show him that you love him and more especially engage them both in activities where they get to do things together.
ReplyDeleteSend them to d Village to go and stay with grandma. I bet you, by d time dey spend two weeks fetching firewoods, water together, the story will Change! Cheers!
ReplyDeleteMaybe you should think back and find out if you've done anything to cause one to detest the other. One major cause of such problem is preferential treatment. Or showering of praise on one than the other. Or acknowledging the good works of one than the other and so on. You might be the cause. Buh if u think its non of the factors above,study them and find out. Know the root cause of the problem first, then solve it.
ReplyDeleteSend d younger one to go and stay with any of ur relative for a while, i think by d time he turns around n will n see d brother, he'll even miss him n want him back n at d same tyme will stp maltreating him
ReplyDeleteMy dear the age diff is 3. Probably u gave the second a lot of attention when he arrived andf you failed to draw his elder one close so he might have this hate in hhis heart that his kid brother steals the love love and care at home. If that is the case u need to love him more and pamper him to understand that you love him and his brother is his responsibility to love and care for. Also back it up with prayer that God would remove the seed of hate in his heart towads his brother. And wheNever he does smth wrong to his brother never correct him by hitting him or saying smth bad to him rather correct him with so much love.
ReplyDeleteWASH! WASH! wASH!
ReplyDeletewell am not a mum bt d first child out of 6 children,my immediate yunger broda who s vry big nd strng i cnt evn controll hm had dat same isssue with d nxt boy dat was after him,he snrs dat child with 4yrs bt he was alwys on him dat most times i go crying to my mum in d nite dat sumfin needs to be done it was so bad dat d yunger one was scared of him,he cnt go to him,cant enter his room,d snr one was alwys beating him like mad mst times fr jst no good reason,bt having d kind of mum i had,well as human as she is most times she beats d boy fr beating his yonger broda while to oter children outside hes so loving to dem,wel i tink talking to the child had mre effect,making dem knw dat dey re brothers nd dat together dey stand divided dey fall,tlk to d shild till he feels sober bfre yu let him go,make him knw dat hs yunger brother s one of d closest tins he has n dis world,dey ve to grow up togeda nd be one...well tink t workd fr my broda cus as he grew older it gradualli stopd,nw t no longer hapens evn f d yunger one will keep living in dat fear,t will pass...nd continue to pray for demm.wsh yu all d best sweeet mum
ReplyDeletePls does any1 knw if its safe to buy cars frm idi iroko jst wonderin cos of some low prices offered for some so called "big time cars". could they be stolen?
ReplyDeleteHow does one guard against stolen vehicles? And why do some peeps offer low prices for these cars and in cases like this(is it due to the saturated nature of Nigeria's car market); and how does one guard against being ripped off?
Awaiting response.
Thanks.
Ma'am, your son is barely 11years old and you have issues raising him properly already? What happens when he turns 21? U better deal with it now he's still young & try not to show more affection to the 8yr old. Its nothing to worry about.
ReplyDeletePls dear nip it in d bud...he can grow up worse.
ReplyDeleteMy second broda is d black sheep of the family wen it comes to sibling care and affection right frm the onset...am perching wt him and seriously looking for a haus.I hope ur son doesn't turn into that.
We did stuffs growing up and my parents tot us to love,care and watch out for each oda,bt ds guy is so way out of our league.I jst feel u nid Gods assistance and make sure u love them equally.
Goodluck
I'm not yet a mum but i think you should engage them more in the children church and really talk to them more about "loving their neighbour as them selves. also try taking them out and buy gift. i think this may help.........
ReplyDelete@OBBY, I can tell that you are one of those empty headed girls who live and breathe Africa Magic, and therefore find it difficult to reason like an educated human being... please try and better yourself.
ReplyDelete@Bonnario, that was a very sweet thing to say about your bro, even though I'm sure he stood over your shoulder and MADE you write it ;-)
Its called sibling rivalry. Maybe you are unknowingly paying attention to the younger boy. Children are sensitive. You have to learn to balance things out. Also try to sit him down and explain to him why he needs to take care of his brother. You would be amazed at what is causing all these problems. Also spend more time with him too. Take him out. Just the two of you. Good luck
ReplyDeleteThis was exactly myself and my sister, I was the older one by 3 years and untill this date I can't look her in the eye for all I did to her, let me tell you where my own came from, and I honestly didn't know it was wrong, but that does not mean I wasn't told to stop beating her n shouting bcoz they did, but I jus always felt in the right and had the right,bcoz I was older,what caused this is i remember when we were very young my anties telling me smack my sister when she wrong or if she did anythingn its ok, n as africans we can kind of instill this that older siblings have rights over the younger ones, n this is what causes so much terror between our kids n we don't realise it but if u think of all our childhoods there was always that one older sibling who terrified us, look this needs to stop. you tell your ur son I hit my children ALONE, if they r wrong no one else not u,u don't need to disipline each other that's not ur job, u r not the parent, bcoz I honestly felt like I was the one who had to deal with her, plz it pains untill this date I feel like I have ruined her childhood, even go to the extent of disiciplining him each every time he does, plz make sure u tell him he has no right to do so, and becareful he does not see you guys beat each other or ur house helps,
ReplyDeletedoes your husband hit you or do you beat your kids in private and smile in public? i used to be extremely mean to my siblings and my mum felt the same fer but it was because i got bullied in school and felt powerless, so i'd come back home and try to exercise my authority. take him aside and ask him why, children are more astute than you think.
ReplyDeleteWSS, ok. Bt i didn't mention church dere,i said sunday skul. It may hv a different name in diff religions/denominations,bt anywhere luv is taught,dats where d child shd be sent to. N as 4 u anon 5:03pm,pls shut dat septic tank of urs up. Wen humans r toking,earthworms shd b drilling d soil 2 hide. She asked 4 a possible soln,nt an attack 2 oda's opinions. Brainless u!
ReplyDeleteSiblings Rivalry.....Madam, maybe the older sibling is feeling unloved. Sit him and counsel him with love. I believe with prayers and parental counselling, he will come to love his brother.
ReplyDeleteWhen did you notice this? If it has been going on for a while, you shouldn't have left it too long.
ReplyDeleteAnd if it something that just happen recently, you need to do something about it asap because of his age.
Rivalry is very common in sibling, but you nedd to let him realise that his brother is there to stay and he should look out more for his brother instead of beating him.Let them play together and if he did something wrong to his brother, make sure he says sorry before doing anything else, if not take some minute out of his lay time oe sweet money.
Same woman posting all her business. Ur son may have been molested, sexless and loveless marriage. Blah blah...please take care of Ur home matters and don't seek the advice of bloggers. U and ur husband need ur tubes tied. And stop killing ur husband by trying to please others. Most likely ur pursuing advancement in some aspect but all is in vain bcos home life is a mess! NIN
ReplyDeletethis might sound harsh, but my dear take him for deliverance, and you as a mother lay your hands on him and cast out that spirit of hatred. dont ignore this alot of stories we hear today abt killing siblings infact our fellow human beings started like this and it was ignored by parents. the world is turning into something else and at this point its only God who can intervain so my dear you gave birth to him so you can fight it. wish you the best.
ReplyDeleteWhat you have described sounds like sibling rivalry. You and your husband need to check and see how you treat both of them. It could be something as simple as the way you react when they both do the same thing. Some parents also have a favourite but the rule will be keep it to yourself and try as much as possible not to let it show. Try and ask him why he likes to beat or treat his brother the way he does. Try as much as possible to be calm and use a nice and not aggressive tone.
ReplyDeleteIf this does not work, you may want him to see a child psychologist, maybe he will be able to express himself through play or drawings for you to know exactly what is going on.
There is definitely something going on inside of him that he is expressing by beating his brother. The earlier this is resolved the better.
Also pray because there is nothing too difficult for God to do. Most importantly check the way you, your husband and the house help [if any] treat him.
Pray for both of them.Talk to your 11 year old son about love for his younger brother.
ReplyDeleteMy brother has two sons and the oldest one is a very spoilt child, who is forever mean to his younger brother. There is a space of 2 yrs bw them. Their mum and dad never seem to notice this maltreatment, except myself and the househelp! It is so bad that other children who visit notice this too!My nephews are 10 and 8 years old. The older one is kinda mean spirited in all things. He could be so direspectful towards adults and everyone else around the house. The curious thing is that this boy is always cowed in church, school, parties etc. But once at home, he sets to work on his little brother. He never seems to do anything wrong in the sight of his parents. His mum excuses every ill-mannered behaviour of this boy.My older sister and I have made it clear to the boy that he can not mess with us, and he gets the message clearly. lol.
ReplyDeleteseperate them before it gets out of hand, prevention is better than cure
ReplyDelete@Ngozi d ode, look who is talking! So what contribitions ve u made afterall, Nwaanuofia follow-follow. Isi aki like u, I can guess u are very ugly apart 4rm being an olodo.
ReplyDeleteMother better read the story here about the two Nigerians jailed for life, this is how it starts. I understand sibling rivalry, it happens to most of us.But if it gets to the point where you get scared to leave them both alone you need to separate them fast. Watch your 8 year old too he may have developed something
ReplyDeleteI jst rid comments n move,bt felt a need 2 drop a piece dis tym.d age gap btwn i n ma elder bro s dsame as dis 2.Growing up i tot my Brother hated me,coz he piked on errtin i did.slaped me @ any chance gotten n forced chores d@ wia ment 4 him on me.2day its entirely a diff story,Bet i am his favorite now n his More considerate,sumtimes i remind him of how mean he waz n he jst says am a fool 4 still aving such memories n we laff ova it.in dis case probably its jst doz childish traits of trying 2 exercize his plc as d older 1 n dass by brutalizing his bro n showing he's in charge.Show both equal love n scorn any1 @ fault anytym not minding dia age diff.Sure its jst a phase n twil pass defnatly...#NanchalZ#.
ReplyDeleteHe is full of jealousy and hatred for his younger brother ever taken the love he once had ALL ALONE. So, check yourself, may be you are paying much attention to the younger one and he is now taking the retaliation on him. Show him love. Stop criticizing or comparing him in the presence of his brother. Give him attention, encourage him to show love and do not always punish him for any little offense and PRAY until you see change in Him. God will help you to accomplish this. Amen
ReplyDeleteIm sorry to say this,but i think you didnt do your work as a mother when you were supposed to.You probably neglected the elder one immediately the younger one came nd showered him all the love at the expense of the older.What your elder son lacks nd needs is plenty of love nd attention from you nd ur hubby,bt pls dont make d same mistake of neglecting d younger one either.Also make dem do things 2gether.Cant say every thing you need to do here,so pls try to get good books on parenting on sibling rivary or go for counselling sessions.
ReplyDeleteOlivia has said it all + be prayerful
ReplyDeletewe r just 2 kids, my elder sis and i (a guy). and believe me when i say not a single day passes by without us fighting. we got to value an appreciate each oda when we wer both sent to different boarding schools. during the holidays we cherished each moment cuz school resumption wasnt far away. so i advised you do same.
ReplyDeleteYour son is a psychopath he's going to grow up a sad mofucker maybe a killer sef if u don't end him now
ReplyDeleteSpank that future killer that you call a child before he turns into a full killer...spank and beat his life he will learn
ReplyDeleteseparate them, send him(the older) to a boarding house then have the younger send him letters and sweets and candies asking how he is and how he misses him. have the older too send things to him. think out of the box. above all, pray earnestly to God. do you take thiese kids to church regualrly. get the 11 year old involved with church activities like instruments, teenage church etc even though he is 11. them make him responsible for his lil brother and talk to him everyday. stop giving too much attention to the younger, you just want to cause undue jealousy. then make sure you hold both of them on each side f you and always tell them to apologise.
ReplyDeletewhen u re talking to the older, ask him how he feels about you and daddy and """"'the younger brother. tell him its off the record and nothing would be used against him. seek counsel in church. the bible says blessed is the one who taketh not counsel from the ungodly. dont mind an negative comments but you have to talk to your women leader or children coordinator. assess them before you talk to them, are they matured spiritually ti give you adequate advise . if not dont even bother, they might not have a clue and even make it obvious to your son that someone had reported him. that will make things worse.
Dont worry. With God all things are possible
- Ola
it is not healthy at all, i remember growing up,at the age of 5,my elder brother who is just a year older than i am used hot iron on my five fingers up till now the marks are till there,we havent been close at all while growing up,he was either bullying me or beating me up,and up till now that we are adult,we do have mis-understanding yet we dont quarrel,but we are never close,we stay in the same town,yet we dont visit nor call neither are we quarrelling,so please try and stop it now that you have noticed it
ReplyDeleteDo you compare them ? Once I did not do well in pry 2 so my dad gave my younger sister my okin biscuit to add to her own okin biscuit and for over 23 years I was mean to her not directly just I did not cut her any slack (not consciously) and it took being a conscious adult to begin to forgive her, love her and let go.I love her so much now. I am now conscious about comparing kids of my own.
ReplyDeleteSociopath? Psycho-analysis? Possessed? Many of you are jokers. I bet those of you making these comments do not have children. Bcos your comments are all 'textbook theories'.
ReplyDeleteOriginal poster, this sort of rivalry can be common amongst boys of that age (it just occurs in varying degrees). I have 2 boys as well, 12 and 7yrs old. They also fight often, but not to the point of me worrying about them being alone together. Talk to your older son and make him understand he is the 'bigger person' and doesnt always have to give-in to the little ones 'wahala' (mine complains his younger brother is always looking for his trouble unnecessarily). Make them understand that they are all you have and HAVE TO get along, because it makes you very unhappy when they dont. Your 11yr old will very likely outgrow it soon.
However, if it becomes unbearable for you, you may want to consider boarding school for your older son, to give them some time apart.
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