...in that particular order...
I want a man to go down on his knees (or any romantic way he chooses to propose) and ask me to be his wife. I want to wear an engagement ring, while planning my wedding. I want to go shopping for my wedding trousseau. I want to wear a beautiful white wedding gown and have my dad walk me down the aisle to my future husband. I want to exchange rings and vows with him in front of man and God. I want to have my family and friends around me to share in my joy.
I want to be Mrs Linda...., then 7,8,9, 10 months after my wedding, I want to bring a child into this world. If I'm lucky, I will have my husband in the labor room with me...
This is my dream. The way I want it to happen for me...
The way most women want it...
BUT there are a few women who really don't care how it happens.
They want to meet a man, fall in love, get married and have a baby...the difference is, they don't care in what order it comes...
Most of our ladies nowadays don't seem to care much about weddings and being married before having kids. I am beginning to think there are more baby mamas than married mamas...lol
Is our generation so content with being just baby mamas? Don't we want weddings anymore? Or is marriage now over-rated?
I overheard a lady telling someone on the phone that she's leaving the father of her two children. "It's not as if I'm married to him anyway" she said.
I know someone else who has 3 kids from 2 different men and never been married. She's still in her 20's. Too many to mention....
Pls I'm not judging, condemning or looking down on women who have kids outside wedlock. I have absolutely nothing against children borne out of wedlock...things happen. There's no right or wrong way with this. It all depends on how we choose to live our lives...
What I want to know is this: Is marriage over-rated? Is that why people don't care about formalising their union before they start a family? Don't young women care about weddings anymore? We don't mind not being Mrs. before being mums? Is it OK to have kids with a man you're not married to? Didn't most of our mothers marry our fathers before they had us? There are too many people having kids now outside wedlock. Why is the trend so in NOW?
Share your thoughts!
Look at this pictures carefully...
Weird huh? I'm sure it got some of you thinking...hmmmmm....Lets be friends...
If animals can do it...why can't we?
Photos of the year
Is that for real? Wow!
Great pix huh?
So what's your take on baby mamas?
Linda do you know how many of our parents had us before they married our fathers????
ReplyDeleteI know lots of my moms friends who couldnt marry their husbands until they had male children.
So were they not baby mamas?
Also i refuse to accept the fact that IT IS HOW HOW WE CHOOSE TO LIVE OUR LIVES...we cannot determine our own destiny. Only Baba GOD knows what turns our lives will take.
You can plan and plan and plan...but at the end of the day, na however God want am we go get am.
I dont judge women with children. Married or not married. Like you said shit happens.
I thank God that my own life was in order. Married First, Two years later, A baby boy came. Great!
But i also have friends who had babies first...and then married after.
I have friends who have had babies and then the man decided to EF up and fade and now they are being strong mothers for their children.
Being married does NOT complete a woman.
Everybody is shouting marriage marriage marriage.
Okay if you marry, and then have a child and your husband is in Volar every monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday, saturday and sunday and doesnt want to see your face and will rather go FROLICKING with SIKIRATU in the club and you are left by your lonesome with 3 children...LOL...you are pretty much a BABY MAMA nowww? Abi?
Ki ni Big Deal?
Bobby.
Linda, here you go again with these marriage issues. Today i am going to contribute as an anonymous person though people that are regular on your blog can easily guess who I am. The world as a global village is getting smaller and everything oyibo has penetrated our culture and infiltrated it so much that almost every abominable things in the past has become the trend nowadays.It is ok to marry a man much younger than you, it is aaight to be gay or lesbian, it is now acceptable to have babies out of wedlock or change husband at will by our young ladies especially the educated ones(Our mothers will say tufiakwa).However it is almost a crime now among African men to marry more than one wife. Common people lets think. I expects lots of attack on this one but the fact still remain that there are more women than men in the population.
ReplyDeletemarriage is not over-rated but when people who have seen first hand how awesomely bad marriage can get decide to have children and do all sorts without getting married we can't really blame them!
ReplyDeletemore importantly, I AM FIRST!!!!
My Take;
ReplyDeleteLinda I think you are a brilliant young woman! Your blogs are not only intellectually sound, they are also refreshing. While I don't always agree with your views, I appreciate the manner you tackle different issues big and small . Whether it is topics like marriage or incoherent chinese signs, the way you incorporate various cultures and concepts always amaze me. And we obviously injoy the gossips once in a while. That is why I am addicted to your blog. And please honey hurry up and build your empire so I can come work for you because am pretty sure am getting fired one of these days for spending so much time on your blog.
As for the particular topic:
I don't care what comes first(though I have my wishes) but who makes the rules anyway. Besides, I like free style, thats just me.
Kechi:)
I HAD THAT SAME DREAM LINDA AND IN THAT PARTICULAR ORDER. MY MATES THOT I WAS MAD FOR REFUSING MARRIAGE PROPOSALS FROM MEN THAT JUST CAME UP TO ME AND SAID I WANT 2 MEET YOUR PARENTS.(TRUST OUR IGBO BROTHERS)
ReplyDeleteFUNNY TO IMAGINE THAT WOT ACTUALLY MADE ME GO OUT WITH A BOYFRIEND IS THE FACT THAT HE SAID HE WOULDNT LIKE HIS WIFE PREGNANT ON THEIR WEDDING DAY COS IT WAS AN EXPERIENCE HE WOULD CHERISH FOREVER AND WOULLD NOT LIKE HIS BRIDE TO BE TOO TIRED AND NOT ENJOY THE DAY.
FOUR YEARS DOWN,THIS BOYFRIEND HAS MADE ALL MY DREAMS HAVE COME 2 PASS IN THE PARTICULAR ORDER I DREAMT OF IT. THE ONLY ONE LEFT IS THE LABOR ROOM ONE AND I HAVE NO DOUBT THAT IT WILL COME TO PASS.
MARRIAGE IS NOT OVER RATED IN MY OPINON. IT IS A CELEBRATION OF LOVE,THE TRIAL AND TRIBULATION IT TOOK TO GET YOU TO THAT STAGE SO MUST BE CELEBRATED. MUST NOT BE BIG OR GRAND. IT JUST HAS TO BE CELEBRATED IN THE PRESENCE OF FAMILY AND FRIENDS.
I AM NOT AGAINST BABY MAMAS.MY BEST FRIEND IS ONE. DOESNT MAKE HER A BAD PERSON. I RESPECT THAT WE ALL HAVE DIFFERENT DREAMS IN LIFE AND SOMETIMES THINGS DO NOT HAPPEN ACCORDING TO PLAN.BUT IT IS NOT MY WAY.
dear linda, as per your subject of 'baby mamas' with 'daddys', i can say it has become a sort of trend or lifestyle by adults who assume they are mature and responsible but in actual sense they are not.
ReplyDeleteIf they are, they would have consulted the elders,set a date and get married. having children is the next step etc.
Hard to say, there are some elders who did not set the record straight, might just give in to their adult children's decision.
There are parents who are strict and the children are stubborn and refuse to heed the old people's idea and so on.
i am living around ladies who are 'baby mamas' and we can only give support,care and love.
marriage isnt for all. And frankly speaking, Nigerian men- some of them are not worth being considered as husband material.
ReplyDeleteMarrying some pple is more headache than it is worth.
As far as i am concerned, having a baby out of wedlock isnt a big deal, if you choose to do it or that is the situation one finds themselves in, then carry go and enjoy ur life.
Mrs.- the title is overatted if u are married to a man who doesnt give 2 craps about u, or one u dont give 2 craps about.
So u see my dear, marriage like a lot of other things is relative.
well written bobby, i couldn't have delivered better than you did. You took the words out of my mouth. I think marriage is over rated and the constitution of marriage are not why people get marry nowadays.
ReplyDeletethis is for mag duru, what world are you living in? Questions all does baby mama u know and tell me that more than 50% will tell you that they planned to be baby mama and not married. Different situations make women baby mama. I am a baby mama and am proud of it not by my wish but it was what life deck me and i rolled with it than stay with married to someone who is tie to his mother's wrapper. There is a yoruba proverb that says a bad husband one can have but bad in-laws are not acceptable.
ReplyDeleteDon't jump to conclusion that all these baby mamas are not mature and responsible or their parents that accept the situation their daughters found themselves in.
linda abeg marriage no be do or die thing. society is even complicating my life why cant i marry 2 husband?
ReplyDeleteLinda, all i can say is "It is what it is". I believe 95% of women have that same dream that you have but then again, God makes the ultimate decision for us. Afterall, some of us what to be married by 30 but how many of us are married by that age.
ReplyDeleteI just know that all we can ask is for God's will to be done in our lives. He knows what's best for us.
Speaking of baby mamas, it is also possible that these ladies don't believe in abortion and will rather go thru the shame of marrying out of wedlock than abort while some do it to trap the guy hoping that he will marry them. It happens for various reasons and we can't judge them. To each his own.
Hey Linda... I nvr miss a day without checkn ur blog...always worth while...;)
ReplyDeleteOk..to d topic of discussion-
I hear every1's opinion o! B4 i give my view..I JUDGE NOT! But just because dis things r the norm in the West does not make dem Right, well at least OK!
So holdn all other things constant lol.. yeah like mathemtcl eqtns, let's put into consideration:
1. No 1 goes in2 a relationship talkless of a marraige waitn for it to fail/flop
2. Yes, many men wonder off in marriages..SO DO women
3. The "innocent" children are usually d victims of most failed relationships/marriages..even though their mom/dad raisn dem claim to be doing perfectly fine..but how about d kids: emotionally? Psychologically? :(
Now, since we r not God n our tomorrows r unknown until they become todays, we can only hope for the best, if one now gets in2 a situation where thngs dont go as "planned", then so be it...life continues...
Mostly, we only raise our eyebrows when things dont go well and we see "failure"..
I don't judge those that take their time, plan accordingly, but still have things fall short of "perfection/ right"... however, i get worried when it comes to those ppl who throw all rationality in d air and say.."ah it does not matter jor...lemme have d kid first, will marry l8r" OR "Whatever, other ppl r doing it, so why can't I" ....
Again I ask, how about the child/ren??????? More like dem delebratly trynna be "baby mamas"...
finally, i dont thnk dis is about what is right or wrong... but more about what is "OK".... afterall na condition make crayfish bend, either for better or for worse...
mail.comHi Linda,
ReplyDeletei think those pictures have been photoshopped by people wanting to make us believe in ghosts.
i particularly remember the one from a scene in Sound of Music- with the hilly background
whao!!!!!! it s so sad reading thru these comments wakes me up to reality ,what has this world turned into?yeah 'things happen'but ..........i dont know i dont want to be seen as being judgemental but God ll hold me accountable if i dont say the truth,fact is these things that happen were not even suppossed to happen that s the truth ,but lets assume they happen it shld nt be taken as he norm,I refuse to accept that statement that men can not go round there s one good man 4 every good woman,just take ur time delay is not denial i ve a testimony of a cousin of mine who ll be 40 in a few mths ,a very good lady,she s waited on God all this years and we also believed God 4 her and i just knew it was impossible 4 her to end up like that trust me if it is this God that i know,he will come thru 4 u,so she s getting married to another man who s being trusting God 4 a woman too,believe me i know they re goin to be happy,both re matured and wont ve to go thru what we that got married early went thru God has a reason 4 dt delay,mind u it was nt that she didnt get proposals from some men ,but most of them were out 4 what we all know and of course she refused so i say yes it shld still be in that order,girl meets boy,court [ no wed no bed plsssssssssss]marry ve kids,God help us all
ReplyDeleteabeg,leave God out of this. The bible says very clearly that premarital sex(the reason for premarital pregnancies and children) is wrong.God would never plan for His children to do what He says is clearly wrong. We do that very well on our own.Let's not blame God for our sins.
ReplyDeletethe great thing about God is that He gives us grace. Grace to deal with the messes we put ourselves in. And He can turn what would have been a dissapointment into a huge blessing.
Still we shouldn't continue doing what we like because God's grace abounds.
SassyCassie
oh,and for the record, my mum and a lot of women i know in her generation waited until after the marriage(trad/white) to have kids.
ReplyDeleteSassyCassie
Thank you SassyCassy, I thought I was the only one reading that we'll accept whatever God doles out to us. Stop lying on God. If you get pregnant before marriage, it is because you did not heed God's plan in the first place. God has told us all, Marry, then have some (sanctified hehehe) sex, not the other way round.
ReplyDeleteNow, that is not to say God can't turn the situation around for His glory, if/when we believe but that is not His plan for anybody. Thank you! So plan away, with God as your guide (for christians).
Of course if you are non-christian, then this doesn't apply sha
The women are easy and the men are taking advantage of the whole situation. By being easy, i mean, that they prefer to run the whole show except for the spermination. If they could sperminate themselves, then they won't need the men. The men, some, want to remain boys forever. Although, they say that they need a nurturer. It's left for the women in question to take up the challenge - should they wish to.
ReplyDeleteI am not speaking for all men neither am i speaking for all women. It's just some and some. It's all good, whatever decisions that they make as they are all adults and "well above the age of consent."
I'm not saying stay for the kids or have kids out of wedlock; however, it is very important for children to be in a stable daddy/mommy situation. Marriage or no marriage. It's good to be the strong independent mother, but believe it or not it affects your children.
ReplyDeleteHi Linda,ur blog on baby mammas really confirmed several arguements and discussions I've been having with my collegues and friends.
ReplyDeleteMy sister, I'm amazed at d rate our ladies are having children for men without saying 'I do'.
Well, I am not judging or condenming but this trend is really giving our guys an excuse not to get married believing that many ladies out there are ready to open their legs and have children irrespective of marital vows.
I'm of the opinion that all these have to do with family background and upbringing, if you take a good look at the ladies that do this, you'll find out that most of them are not from decent families, or either their mothers did same or aunties,cousins.In fact, this is a family/tribal issue.
In Nigeria, some parts see this trend as an abomination while some embrace it and it's now like a culture and nobody sees it as a big deal.
My God,this is really embarrasing, the fact remains that we are Africans/Nigerians, no matter how hard we try to copy Western ways,it will never be part of us.
I know of a lady that has a four year old daughter for a guy,the guy later took his daughter from this lady and kept her under the care of the guys staying in his house, do you know that this four year old girl became a sex toy for these guys she calls "uncles". Tell me, what is that little girl's growing up going to be like?
CHINENYE.
This is a very sensitive issue the dream of every woman is to have a home and a man to call her own.if you listen to 90% baby mamas story,you will discover its not their wish.some men makes life miserable after marriage.A sister of mine was married for eleven years without issue and the next thing the husband divorced her.she later dated a guy who refused to marry her but she got pregnant.would you advise her to go for abortion? so my dear most women do not like to be in that shoe but destiny changes plan at times so it is not how some choose to live their lives.
ReplyDeleteHisssssssssssss! What the fuck?
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I'd like to say that I personally do not give a rat's ass if you have a baby or not or choose to get married or not...that one na una palaver...
But what the hell is all dis talk about "God" and "destiny" in the matter?
It is 2008 people, if una no know. Condoms dey, if una no wan use condoms, pills dey, if by mistake u forget your pills for house, "after morning" pills dey!
Haba! and even after all dat, abortion still dey.(ehhhhhhhhhhhhn, shoot me, I am saying the truth!)
Once again, na una sabi, but it is a CHOICE you make, the moment you choose to have a child. In 2008, sorry ladies, if you are still claiming that "shit happens"...then you need to update yourselves!(this is not for those whose baby papa bailed out oh...dat one i no know)
So Ladies, lets keep it real. Whether you choose to be a single mum or not, you always had a choice. The moment that panty was coming off, you had a damn choice!
The fact is that trends change with time. What used to be popular then (i.e. marriage then kids) isn't popular now. I strongly suggest keeping a standard so you won't be tossed every which way the tide of trends go. That standard should be time-tested wisdom from the word of God. He never fails. Every girl should hold that dream of having that fairytale wedding and marriage and not settle for what the world does now.
ReplyDeleteThis is disheartening my people.
ReplyDeleteLinda..u wonder about baby mamas yet you say u dont mind having a baby 7 months after wedding...wow last time i checked it was 40 weeks to be pregnant....so u are condoning premarital sex the same thing these baby mamas did to get in that position
Back to everyone else that says stuff happens i agree with waffarian...u made the choice when you dropped your panties
No one is judging the children or the people bringing children into the world out of wedlock. The important thing we must remmebr is that IT IS NOT OKAY. just because people are doing it doesnt make it acceptable...where are our morals
sex before marriage is wrong...whether the product is a baby or abortion....
ReplyDeleteBeing a baby mama has it's rewards like perks, bonuses and benefits as it's a full-time job. The benefits may include a fat bank account, steady child support and maintenance, a wardrobe full of clothes, shoes, and jewellry, having the lastest wheels in town, seeing the daddy maybe everyday or once in a week, forthnightly, on ocassions, or never. It depends. It's like that.
ReplyDeleteChoices..........
i used to dream for the same thing Linda.
ReplyDeletei had a boyfriend i loved and all. we were talking marriage too.
I got pregnant by mistake and had decided i was going to keep it. He didnt stand by me although his mum and the rest of the family did. He said he wanted things done in the right order.
I went in for a scan one day and was told the pregnancy was ectopic and i needed emergency surgery that same day.
it was the scariest day of my life because no one knew where i was that day. to make matters worse, my phone battery went dead just as i managed to text my best friend. i remember the doctors just watching me crying for like 5minutes after they gave me the news. they had the saddest look on their faces.
i was wheeled into surgery and lost a fallopian tube.
where was the boyfriend? in nigeria somewhere cooling it off with some chick.
since then, i have kept my legs shut. It happened over a year ago.
I feel that if i were in a marraige and this happened, it would have made more sense, i would have been able to justify my loss. i know there are no guarantees but it could have been a man to honor the 'better or for worse' vows...
just my two cents. best to save the best of you till your married, unless of course ur capable of dealing with the risk.
It's really funny how the people who are quoting the bible conveniently forgot the part that teaches against judging people. If everyone followed the bible, then maybe the world would be a love fest, but we don't. So its not up to anyone to point fingers 'cos we're all guilty of one thing or the other. So sad we've been brainwashed by religion, culture to think they way most people do. But its up to individuals to find the TRUTH...just because you've been taught something by your parents, religious leader, cultural belief doesn't automatically make it right!
ReplyDeleteTo CHINENYE!
ReplyDeleteI am a single Mom from a goodddd family background. U know what! I am proud of it. My daughter is the best gift from GOD. U stop passing judgement and look at the mirror! As Christ said" remove the dust from ur eyes before u remove urs neighour's dust! Everybody have their story to tell. Different strokes for different folks. To everyone running their mouths(including Linda)! u can't tell me that u haven't had pre-martial sex. If anybody says no, they are not telling the truth. I was dating my daughter's father for years and finally got engaged.But he changed his mind few weeks before the wedding. Do u understand my pain and frustration? Do u all think I wanted this for my little one. I came from a two parent home. Now I am rasing my daugher without a father. It hurts like hell! Do u all think I am enjoying being a babymama or whatever u folks call it. Please getoff ur high horses and see things through the eyes of the person going through it. I do not get any form of assistance for my little one not even child support( my choice).. Linda, I didn't plan or want to be babymama. And I wasn't going to have an abortion. I choose to keep this child. God has blessed me for it. I see God's glory through her. She is smart little one. Please blog about something more constructive not about peoples'lives. Folks don't have food or jobs naija. That is what u should be blogging about not condeming people for the circumstances that hit them..... I pray it doesn't happen to u because u can be married with children one day and be divorced in a couple of years with children.Isn't that called babymama too? Like I said I pray it doesn't happen to u because I used to be judgemental about women with kids out of wedlock and look at me! Who knew..
Like waffarian said, the moment you take off those panties you are making a choice.
ReplyDeleteAnd no, a baby mama is someone who was never married to the father of her child.A divorced woman is not a baby mama, a widow is not a baby mama. If on the other hand, your fiance left you pregnant at the altar or anytime b4, you are a baby mama.
We women can be soo stupid, relationships break down every day, why do you think just because you are pregnant , he will marry you? Or just because you have done introduction or bought wedding gown or sent out invites you will get married?
A friend had done introduction, they had gone to london for shopping, the dad had told his corridors of powers friends, they were about to print IV's when the relationship broke down, smart girl , she was not pregnant.
This is not about religion, this is about common sense.
Most people have pre-marital sex, just imagine the kind of world we would have if everybody ended up pregnant.
At the end of the day, children benefit from a 2 parent household when both adults are the parents, even if they are of the same sex. Statistically in jail, most inmates are from single parent homes or homes with step-parents.
Of course there are exceptions, biologial clock and medical conditions, but if u are under 35 and you do not have reproductive and/or medical issues, and u got pregant without the certificate signed, then something de do you.This is not oops i fell down, this is oops i fell on a dick and was too stupid to protect myself. If the guy insists on you getting pregnant before he marries you then you need to beg,borrow or steal some self-esteem.
For those of u advocation being a baby mama by saying it just happened, when such a woman has a daughter, which mouth can she use to tell the daughter to wait for marriage or to abstian when you yourself did not exercise such restraint? Unless you go ahead to marry shortly after having the child, you will have issues with exposing your child to "uncles" and all the bad fallout of such exposure.
Wow!!!! I can't believe people can be so judgemental.... Some people just like to think they got it all together - they're pretty much God-like in their own eyes - because o no they're just not capable of making mistakes.
ReplyDeleteBut on the real, i don't think Bobby could have said it any better.
The way i see it, marriage is not the end of the world.
Im a single mother and speaking for me.....
ReplyDeleteIts a new generation and everything is changing and that includes motherhood....
I didnt get pregnant by chioce but i make a chioce to keep my baby and regardless of what anyone thinks i wuldnt change that chioce. My reasons are personal and i wuld respect any girl/lady/woman who decides to abort hers cos she alone knows whats up. Gone are the days when society frowns at divorced women and single parents, if you can hold urside and take care of ur baby why not.Its hard this days to find a partner cos we ar all looking for ready made, its even harder for those who live outside nija where they split bills and the men still expect primitive marriage/home running and the women celebrate rights like air. The society obviously embraces single motherhood this days and thats why some women settle for it, which in any case is better than waiting for mr right dat died with our fore fathers and even if they return they wuld rather pick the young ones first and God help u if u have not had a date with menupos.
Men this days dont mind you having thier babies cos they are running from responsibilities and if u can do the job while they play lol why not....For the benefit of thoes who didnt have a chioce, pardon my ignorance but enjoy motherhood cos its the one thing you can call ur own.....u knw what i mean.
Dis is for mag guru.....You have no right to say baby mamas are not mature or responsible.We dont need to explain our situations to ur understanding or till u accept it. We do have more responsibilties than u could ever imagine, for one, giving life, norishing it and practically living for it and mature enough, cos we have someone looking up to us as example which explains why we cannot be so self-centered enough to speak about other people situations and calling names....Now unless some girl did a run on u and gave him a baby in which case i will understand but no sorry!
ReplyDelete